Posted by Dr. Bob on July 25, 2003, at 20:22:22
In reply to Pleasers w/men who are Controllers « Yankeegirl, posted by Dr. Bob on July 24, 2003, at 19:19:57
[Posted by Yankeegirl on July 24, 2003, at 21:21:48]
> Hi Mercedes,
>
> Wow, that was a great post, especially the paragraph about why he REALLY wanted you back. I've been wondering recently if men ever really want a 'relationship' with their wife. Or do they really get married just to get sex, food and a maid. All the romance is just to get you, and once they got you, you are stuck and they have it made in the shade. We read all this c**p about 'love' and 'relationships' in Cosmo magazine, but you know what? The men don't read that stuff! It's fiction! In my case, my husband was very subtly verbally abusive. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere and the husbands of my friends were always 'jerks'. But when I would find my own things or hobbies to do, he'd have some snide putdown about them. If I ever told him he hurt my feelings, he would always say "What's the matter, can't you take a joke, I was just kidding, you have no sense of humor". He would always twist it around and make it be my fault whatever he said or did. I was too interested in pleasing him all those years to know it was actually verbal abuse. Even up til a month ago. Till then I would think "every once in a while he says mean things to me". Two years ago he started working out of another state, and I found that I enjoyed being home by myself, was really started to become comfortable with me, then he would come back home and I would hate that he was home. I told him when he comes home I find myself crawling down inside myself just waiting for that nasty comment, cause I know it's coming, I just don't know when. Even when I told him that, I wouldn't have called it verbal abuse. But then a newspaper article gave the signs of verbal abuse, and I couldn't believe it was him!!!! Well, no wonder it made me feel so bad all those years. I was so desperate for him (and people in general) to be nice to me, that I gradually gave up all the things I liked, because he didn't like them and "well, if I do what he wants, maybe then he'll be nice to me". This was all very subconscious though. I just became aware of this in May and that is when I sought out a psychiatrist.
>
> And one last bone to pick with 'conventional wisdom' about how women keep choosing men who will abuse them. I CANT DISAGREE MORE! At least in my case, I was so desperate for and grateful to have a boyfriend (Low self esteem? NO self esteem!!), I just romanticised how he was in love with me and he wanted to move the wedding sooner, so wow, he REALLY loves me, SO HE WANTS TO BE NICE TO ME! Now I just think he wanted to get laid. I thought I was picking a man who was the EXACT OPPOSITE of my male relatives who picked on me. But actually, he was a Controller who saw a doormat in me and HE picked ME cause he knew he could control ME!!!!!!
>
> Sorry to run on so long, but I am glad to see some posts that are more about the reasons why we take Effexor in the first place.
>
> Can anyone else relate? Thanks. Yankeegirl
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:244989
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/245312.html