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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miller on June 26, 2003, at 14:02:42
Has anyone every felt so defeated because it seems every person is out to hurt you in some way or another?
I feel desperately sad today. It seems I attract people (casual, close, professional, and romantic) that hurt me and hurt me as deeply as they can.
I am desperately sad. In some ways it feels as if I have made nothing but wrong decisions in my life. I don't think there is any doubt in my mind that there is little I can do to make a contribution to this world. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" and all of that.
I know this sounds gross, but, I swear, I think I was meant to be aborted and somehow it didn't work. My mother had many before and after me. Maybe my fate was somehow screwed up. At least if that was true, I could at least be able to blame a reason for all of this misery.
Of course, since there would be no way to prove that, it leaves only me to blame. I think therapy has been way over-rated. I think it is a lot like giving sugar pills to a psychosamatic patient. As long as we think it should help, it does. Lose hope and what happens then?
:(
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on June 26, 2003, at 14:27:23
In reply to Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware, posted by Miller on June 26, 2003, at 14:02:42
Awww, sweetie. I'm sorry. What happened? Or if you don't want to talk about it, then
(((Miller)))
There is a Jewish prayer tradition that I love. It goes something like "Thank you God for the ability to wake up this morning and breathe in the air. If that were the only gift you ever gave, that would be more than I could have ever hoped for." I'm not doing it right but you get the idea. The same is said for all the little blessings in life.
I think contributions are the same. You do make a contribution you know. You do it here. If this were the only contribution you were to make anywhere in your life, your life would be valuable many times over. If the difference you made in my life alone were all the difference you ever made, you would have made a contribution. And I can't believe that that is true. You are too sweet a person not to have made contributions many places. The trouble is that contributions don't announce themselves with blowing trumpets. They're in the smile you give someone who's feeling low. The casual comment that lifts someone's spirits. Few of us make the grand contributions that make the headlines. The rest of us make the day to day contributions that just make the world a little bit better for someone. And you have no way of knowing how many lives you've touched. Or will touch tomorrow or the next day.
Therapy alone is rarely enough. It can help in conjunction with meds. Are you on a medication regimen that's working?
Is there something you'd like to talk about? If not here, then you know where to find me.
Posted by shar on June 26, 2003, at 16:50:03
In reply to Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware, posted by Miller on June 26, 2003, at 14:02:42
Lose hope...and keep going to see your therapist! At least that's what I've done.
At least until (oh, I hope I don't get hell for this) until you're 50.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by justyourlaugh on June 26, 2003, at 19:19:22
In reply to Re: Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware » Miller, posted by shar on June 26, 2003, at 16:50:03
i miss you ..
you are a great person,,so caring and kind..
you attacted me....
i want you in my life and i think about you and d all the time...
can i write you again?i mean a real letter,,,mabe some more pics...
i am here in the evenings...just email me at the adress starting with a "s"
i know you may not feel up to it,,
peace to you friend..
love
Posted by Emme on June 26, 2003, at 22:07:50
In reply to Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware, posted by Miller on June 26, 2003, at 14:02:42
> Has anyone every felt so defeated because it seems every person is out to hurt you in some way or another?
>
> I feel desperately sad today. It seems I attract people (casual, close, professional, and romantic) that hurt me and hurt me as deeply as they can.Miller, I'm so sorry you feel so sad.
> I am desperately sad. In some ways it feels as if I have made nothing but wrong decisions in my life. I don't think there is any doubt in my mind that there is little I can do to make a contribution to this world. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" and all of that.
I sure do relate to all of those feelings. You're not alone. But you contributed to my thread above, and took the time in your sadness to try to help me. So you are obviously compassionate. And the world needs as many compassionate people as possible. So I think you make a contribution just by your existence. (You can't argue with logic!)
> I know this sounds gross, but, I swear, I think I was meant to be aborted and somehow it didn't work. My mother had many before and after me. Maybe my fate was somehow screwed up. At least if that was true, I could at least be able to blame a reason for all of this misery.
>
> Of course, since there would be no way to prove that, it leaves only me to blame. I think therapy has been way over-rated. I think it is a lot like giving sugar pills to a psychosamatic patient. As long as we think it should help, it does. Lose hope and what happens then?You to blame for your misery? I don't know you well, but it sounds to me like you've worked hard at managing your illness. I do hope you can keep some hope alive. Let's see, how's a hug written online...? (((Miller))) Feel better soon.
Emme
Posted by whiterabbit on June 26, 2003, at 23:25:54
In reply to sweet boo.., posted by justyourlaugh on June 26, 2003, at 19:19:22
Oh Miller, I know just how you feel and I wish so much that the right things would start happening for you. To get from where you are now to a place where your spirit can heal, you have to find each key to the doors locked in front of you. There isn't a map, but here are the keys:
1.) The right doctor
2.) The right diagnosis
3.) The right medication
4.) The right therapyI don't know why all the suffering is required,
why we can't move in a direct line from base camp to summit. All I know is that you have to keep standing up again somehow each time you go down.You keep up your search and don't give in. Ask for help when you need it, but don't tolerate what you suspect is less than professional care.
Don't accept indifference or rudeness from any medical professional. Learn what you can from the experience and move on.I'm on my fourth psychiatrist. Luckily I had enough experience to reject the third psychiatrist after a few months. My first psychiatrist was useless and the second one had gone nuts and abandoned his practice and patients.
The third guy told me, and I'm not making this up, that I was "brain-damaged" from substance abuse, and continued to insist that I attend a dual diagnosis program with a $15 daily co-pay while I was sitting in front of him sobbing because I had just finished explaining that I had no job and no money and my husband was leaving me.
Then he warned me that he would not see me again until I had the lab tests he ordered, and THEN his nurse called me at home and told me I would be discharged as his patient if the results of my bloodwork were not on his desk by the end of the week.Cripes what a jerk. Don't stand for that crap. I think the doctor I have now feels right and I'm hopeful...much better to weed out the bad doctors and husbands as soon as possible, I'm learning.
Finally.-Gracie
Posted by kara lynne on June 27, 2003, at 2:44:51
In reply to Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware, posted by Miller on June 26, 2003, at 14:02:42
Hi Miller,
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad today.I used to say I was going to die of terminal potential. It still feels that way--the potential feels like it's just there to taunt me.
Sometimes I think my mother's self hatred (ergo her daughter hatred) was just too much for me to overcome--her ambivalence about having children, and especially me. After all is said and done, sitting through sessions, sifting through meds, something remains untouched.
So I understand what you're saying. But people also overcome overwhelming odds after suffering unspeakable abuse. I don't get it. In my family I think it was harder sometimes because everything was so muddled and denied--left only to be sopped up though the cells of the sensitive child--who was then of course made wrong for it.
I don't want to make you feel worse. I just want to tell you I'm sorry. I wish happiness for you. Many here do.
Posted by Miller on June 30, 2003, at 13:21:45
In reply to Re: Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware » Miller, posted by shar on June 26, 2003, at 16:50:03
Thank you for the advise. Sometimes it seems so lonely in my head. It is good to know there are people who care. :)
-Miller
Posted by Miller on June 30, 2003, at 13:28:23
In reply to sweet boo.., posted by justyourlaugh on June 26, 2003, at 19:19:22
Oh, how I miss you too. I will email my address again. Of course you can send me letters, emails, smoke signals, whatever you want.
LOVE
Posted by Miller on June 30, 2003, at 13:36:43
In reply to Re: Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware » Miller, posted by Emme on June 26, 2003, at 22:07:50
Emme,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do feel a little better lately. I am glad I have this site for support. I means so much to me that you sent a response when I was so down. I sincerely appreciate it.
-Miller
Posted by Miller on June 30, 2003, at 13:42:50
In reply to Re: sweet boo.., posted by whiterabbit on June 26, 2003, at 23:25:54
Hi Gracie,
I agree with your recipe for getting out of this, but I think I am also in need of support. My husband isn't supportive at all. In fact, I think it may be harder having him around without his support than not having him around at all.
I have a very understanding PDOC and a great therapist. I got lucky on both of those. My first therapist was a waste. He just didn't "get it" where I was concerned.
I am also trying to keep my faith in religion and am attempting to keep busy so I don't isolate myself.
Gracie, I know you are going through a really rough time. Thank you for supporting me while you are struggling yourself. You will do fine. I will hang in there if you do. :)
-Miller
Posted by Miller on June 30, 2003, at 13:55:14
In reply to Re: Forsaken-Gets graphic-Beware, posted by kara lynne on June 27, 2003, at 2:44:51
You sound as if you are me!!! My family did nothing but pretend and deny. My mother never liked me. Nor was she nurturing or nice.
Overcoming such deep hurts, lies, and isolations has been difficult. It is almost funny how some people can see right away the suffering, while we think we have hardened ourselves from it. The lies and the denials seem the hardest of all to break. I think if I could get past all of that, I may be able to open up enough to make a huge difference with therapy.
Thank you so much for sharing with me. I forget that I am not alone sometimes. I wish us both well. :)
-Miller
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