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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
when I had nothing to explain.
Oh, this mess I have made.But then things got complicated,
My innocence has all but faded.
Oh, this mess I have made.And I don't believe in love,
So I can't be saved.
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made.(Ben Folds Five)
I feel like there are so many things I can't explain, especially when meeting new people, and especially about my depression. I talk with my therapist about my inability to have intimate relationships, though what I really want is to have people close, which is enormously frustrating. I can talk with my husband about [almost] everything, but with my other friends, I hit this wall, where I will start to talk about myself, feel uncomfortable, and ask how they're doing. I spend a disproportionate amount of time listening. And I listen to a lot of my friends' problems. But I just can't get out my own. There are very few people (maybe 3) who know the extent of my mental illness, and the treatment I've undergone/endured/been lucky to have. I don't need to tell every new person I meet my whole life story, but I feel like it affects me greatly, and to not talk about it at all is to deny some of what I'm about.
I would think this would get easier with practice. Now, on to the practice. It's so much easier to do this anonymously, instead of in person.
My therapist tells me I avoid connection, am afraid of it. And when I was really depressed, and really wanting people to care, she told me it was hard for others to care, if they could plainly see that I didn't. Don't really know where I'm going with all of this, but I know I wish I didn't feel like I had so much to explain.
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 21, 2003, at 20:00:18
In reply to There was a time, posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
life life life,,
there is no way you should have to explain yourself to others,trust me,they cant see the illness,
be you...
i know the part of you that thinks about your greatness...
let it shine life ,,,let it shine
Posted by kara lynne on February 21, 2003, at 20:34:09
In reply to There was a time, posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
Hi lifelike, (I like that name)
I understand so much how it feels to be trapped inside yourself. It's a good thing at least that you can talk to your husband about anything, a lot of people don't have that, but I know that doesn't help when you're feeling like you need friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm just too broken to have friends; it takes to much energy to have to make a presentation. Not that I want to be inauthentic, my struggle is exactly to be authentic, but I don't want to go around indiscriminately revealing all my inner conflict. Sometimes I think I've erred on the side of being too honest about that --people don't know how to respond, or think they have to fix you, or somehow use it to be in a superior position. It truly seems like an art to be with people, and I guess you have to guage what to share with whom. But there are places in my life, ways I want to be able to express myself that I can't and it's so painful. My guitar has been sitting in my closet for years and I don't know why, but it's just too hard to get myself to play-- yet I would be so much happier if I did. Yesterday someone told me about a book-- the sequel to "The HIghly Sensitive Person" that sounded like it would be good. I get so frustrated sometimes hearing things like "you're afraid of intimacy". It just seems like such a stock answer, although I guess it's true. That's my own stuff though, I don't mean to put down you therapist. Well I rambled.
Posted by Ginjoint on February 21, 2003, at 22:38:04
In reply to There was a time, posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
Ain't it the truth?! As I'm trying to make new friends, I wish I could do a Vulcan mind-meld thing with them, to explain both where I've been and where I'm at - without the burden of the spoken word. As I held their face, they would feel and understand; I would no longer be in My Own Private Idaho. Sweet dreams are made of this.
Ginjoint
Posted by bozeman on February 21, 2003, at 23:37:54
In reply to Re: There was a time, posted by Ginjoint on February 21, 2003, at 22:38:04
I, too, have wished that so many times!!!
It would save so much time. And let you know up front, if you could trust that person, to see if you want to invest the time.
bozeman
Posted by likelife on February 22, 2003, at 1:14:21
In reply to Re: There was a time » likelife, posted by justyourlaugh on February 21, 2003, at 20:00:18
> life life life,,
> there is no way you should have to explain yourself to others,trust me,they cant see the illness,
> be you...
> i know the part of you that thinks about your greatness...
> let it shine life ,,,let it shineThis is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thank you. I never imagined I could be touched via a tangle of wires and electrons.
I have struggled for so long about what being 'me' is all about. And that I am not equivalent to an illness. I'm getting the hang of it, bit by bit...
Posted by likelife on February 22, 2003, at 1:22:26
In reply to Re: There was a time, posted by kara lynne on February 21, 2003, at 20:34:09
(The name comes from the title of a book, "Like Life" by Lorrie Moore--a collection of witty, sarcastic, sad, innocent, and way too knowledgable short stories.)
> Sometimes I feel like I'm just too broken to have friends; it takes to much energy to have to make a presentation.
I agree absolutely. Somehow I have gotten the idea in my head that I either have to tell someone everything or nothing (and of course these polarities exist in a hundred other areas of my life). Where is the happy medium?
I think social nuance is a skill learned over the lifetime. Or, at least I hope so; if this is the zenith of my ability, I'm afraid I'm in trouble. Being depressed adds another layer to be navigated through or around. People really don't understand, and it can feel like banging your head against the wall, trying to make them understand.
I also get tired of hearing "you're afraid of intimacy," especially since I have a hard time figuring out exactly what about it I'm afraid of. It does sound like a stock answer, and it lacks real meaning for me. (I put down my own therapist all the time too--though never really to her face.)
Posted by likelife on February 22, 2003, at 1:24:25
In reply to Re: There was a time, posted by Ginjoint on February 21, 2003, at 22:38:04
You hit it right on the head. And if I could do it, I'd feel less like I was hitting myself on the head. Also less like hitting others on the head :o)
Posted by kara lynne on February 22, 2003, at 3:03:45
In reply to Re: There was a time, posted by Ginjoint on February 21, 2003, at 22:38:04
...if we were all in a room together! You know, we are all in rooms together sometimes but we just don't know who we are. Sorry to be so obtuse, I'm tired and going to bed.
Posted by likelife on February 22, 2003, at 13:38:39
In reply to I wonder what it would be like..., posted by kara lynne on February 22, 2003, at 3:03:45
> ...if we were all in a room together! You know, we are all in rooms together sometimes but we just don't know who we are. Sorry to be so obtuse, I'm tired and going to bed.
Not obtuse at all. I've wondered that too, but I think that part of the appeal of this place is its anonymity.
Posted by Emme on February 22, 2003, at 20:26:43
In reply to There was a time, posted by likelife on February 21, 2003, at 17:40:46
Boy, some of what you said rang a bell for me. It's hard to know how much/when/how/who to tell people about what you've been through. I feel like after I reach a certain level in getting to know someone, it's sort of almost dishonest for them to know nothing about that part of me. It flavors so much of what I do/think about, etc. Every now and then I think I've done the opposite of you and told a little more than was necessary to someone (or it came out due to some circumstance). Usually my personal "rule" is that I have to know someone a year before they get any info. :)
You seem like a sensitive person (I mean that in a good way) and you *deserve* to have people know enough about you to help you through bad times (as well as enjoy good times). But you don't owe anyone any explanations for anything! It's totally up to you to decide who to tell and how much you tell them.
Make sure they are kind and worthy of your trust and let out a little at a time, whatever you feel want to share at that time. And you might be surprised - someone will understand from their own experience.... I was in for some surprises when I started telling my friends.....turned out some of them had been in the same boat and I never even knew it even though I thought I knew all about their lives and problems!
take care,
Emme
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