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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on February 14, 2003, at 22:46:50
Hello everyone. Here I am exhausted from depression and frustration and disappointment. Things have not worked out between my boyfriend and me, and I am immersed in disappointment living in the same house with him. I need the strength to get out, and to get out quicky so that I can get some semblance of myself back. It seems that I can't get any momentum going in my attempts to move forward; like I've got one foot on the gas and one on the brake. I know now that I definitely need to leave; for a long time I kept hoping that things might work out. Tonight I wish I were doing something other than wallowing in this disappointment. The irony is that of course, each time I've got my foot energetically out the door, he rallies and throws me some bone. But I am invariably, consistently and heartbreakingly disappointed over and over and over. I long to find a non-depressing place I can afford, where I feel safe, with nice people around me. I just need enough energy and movement to make it happen. I hate Valentine's day.
Posted by Rach on February 14, 2003, at 23:53:39
In reply to Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by kara lynne on February 14, 2003, at 22:46:50
I've been in a very similar situation. In fact, I was supposed to meet up with him on Valentine's Day. I was giving him One Last Chance. It was probably Last Chance number 2000. He stood me up.
These guys will keep doing this to us. Because we are allowing them to do it. It's the perfect situation for them. Well, not any more. I am no longer going to allow this guy to use me as a doormat. I don't care about what he says to me today, tomorrow, or the next. I will be deaf to his pleas, his promises, his excuses. Because I know in my heart that he will continue to take and take and not ever give me anything securely and surely back.
This is not love. It's abuse. I deserve better, and so do you, Kara. Get out.
Good luck. x
Posted by kara lynne on February 15, 2003, at 1:25:39
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by Rach on February 14, 2003, at 23:53:39
I don't mean to sound guy-bashing, I'm really not. Part of what's kept me here so long is that I do love him and I do think he loves me. But he has serious problems that affect the relationship and he is unwilling to get help for them, so there is nothing more I can do. I am saddened by my ability to stay in painful situations way too long (although I guess there is no time line to awareness), and I am having so much trouble in this as-yet-unmedicatable-depression doing what I need to do for myself. I just want some divine intervention (not catastrophic please) to help me move-- literallly and figuratively, instead of taking these little crippled steps that don't seem to lead anywhere.
Posted by Rach on February 15, 2003, at 21:49:52
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by kara lynne on February 15, 2003, at 1:25:39
> ...he has serious problems that affect the relationship and he is unwilling to get help for them, so there is nothing more I can do...
...I just want some divine intervention to help me move...
That's not going to happen, honey. You obviously know that this relationship is unhealthy and that nothing is going to change until you create the change. You'll never be able to get your depression under control whilst in this relationship. You love him, but one day you will recognise that you need to love yourself first of all, and that means putting you above all others.
Posted by kara lynne on February 15, 2003, at 22:37:18
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by Rach on February 15, 2003, at 21:49:52
Boy, how can I put this. I don't mean I'm expecting to sit here and do nothing and have everything magically work out. I'm asking for help, for myself, in my own movement. I know I know I need to take care of myself; I'm just hoping for a little strength. I have struggled with depression long before I was in this relationship; knowing the right words about creating my life never really helped me. I'm sorry, I obviously didn't express myself well.
Posted by bookgurl99 on February 16, 2003, at 9:08:22
In reply to Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by kara lynne on February 14, 2003, at 22:46:50
Well, is there a solution to this?
i feel for you because i lived with a partner who i loved and did not love me back; it was very difficult. i also feel for your guy, not knowing details, because i've also been the scared-of-commitment one in the relationship. he may be in love but not in a place to give it right now, which means you end up immersed in disappointment.
solutions i see from not knowing details?
+you say you want a place you can afford, where you feel safe, with nice people around you. everyone deserves a place like that, you too. is there a way to get out of your lease? get _him_ to move out and have a new roommate move in? or maybe you could live in a cooperative house, if there are any in your town. i lived in a large co-op with 18 other people, and it was affordable, safe, and nice for the social support. (I think you can find a list at www.ic.org).
+barring that, would the bf come to relationship therapy with you? i've gone in the past and it _really_ helped.
good luck, let us know what happens,
Posted by kara lynne on February 16, 2003, at 14:31:28
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day » kara lynne, posted by bookgurl99 on February 16, 2003, at 9:08:22
Thanks for the support and advice. We did go to counseling for awhile and it was helpful; he just didn't keep it up-ahem-so to speak. This place is too expensive for me to keep, even with a roommate, plus I've never liked the area (the only way we could afford a nice place--bad area!) I was living in a nice little apt. where I could be alone, but I knew most of the people in the building and we were all kind of friends. That was ideal, because I could be alone, but not isolated. Unfortunatley I don't have the financial freedom or I would move out today (so I say). I do know people who have gotten good deals, but they have all been through some personal contact. Oy vey. We just had it out again mid-post. He wants to keep this place and use it for an office; when we're not biting each other's heads off he wants me to wait a month and see if things will work out. He thinks that if he gets through his financial crisis we may have a chance. I think it's probably not a good shot; we have many other problems, and I don't think if he suddenly feels better about his finances everything else will just work itself out. Waiting for that puts me in a very powerless position. I feel powerless anyway. I've got to be able to support myself financially and it's very scary. I'm taking steps to do it, but it's a new thing for me. I'm just scared.
Posted by Rach on February 16, 2003, at 17:48:07
In reply to Hi Bookgurl, posted by kara lynne on February 16, 2003, at 14:31:28
I was a nazi, I'm sorry. I think I got fired up because it felt like I was talking to myself, and god knows I haven't done much to help myself.
I hope the strength comes to you, Kara.
All the best.
Posted by kara lynne on February 16, 2003, at 21:23:44
In reply to Re: Sorry Kara, posted by Rach on February 16, 2003, at 17:48:07
I understand completely, and thank you. God that's rare, a misunderstanding and someone making it right-- doesn't happen much to me! I know I'm a *little* sensitive right now anyway--PMS, full moon, physical pain, emotional trauma, yadda yadda. You weren't such a Nazi, and there is truth in what you said. I'm just frustrated and trying to make sense myself, and it's difficult to present the whole picture via this medium. Thanks again.
Posted by shar on February 17, 2003, at 13:24:08
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by kara lynne on February 15, 2003, at 1:25:39
> I just want some divine intervention (not catastrophic please)
.....Hey, KL, I prayed this very prayer earlier today! It puts a smile on my face because it took me a while to learn that we may get what we ask for, and it may help, and we might learn a lot...but it tears our life to pieces in the process. Now, I add a similar qualifier to my prayers. :)
Shar
Posted by Greg on February 17, 2003, at 14:16:48
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by Rach on February 15, 2003, at 21:49:52
Kara,
Rach, (who is wise beyond her years BTW) puts it best, to thine own self be true. I hope things are better today.
Be well,
Greg
Posted by Rach on February 18, 2003, at 2:32:26
In reply to Re: Alone On Valentine's Day, posted by Greg on February 17, 2003, at 14:16:48
> Rach, (who is wise beyond her years BTW) puts it best, to thine own self be true.
Thanks Greg. If only I was wise enough to take my own advice...
This is the end of the thread.
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