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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 18 to 42 of 42. Go back in thread:
Posted by sar on August 14, 2001, at 10:28:23
In reply to Re: sar is okay » sar, posted by kid_A on August 13, 2001, at 18:37:47
dear kid_A,
working in a bar doesn't encourage you to act like a good little buddha, whaaaaat?
i know, i know, i worked at bars ages 18-20...(before i drank very much at all), saw the ill effects of drinking, which did not prevent me from adopting l'orval syrah as my baby-momma a few years later...
your car accident sounds just awful and lucky (awfully lucky)--careful now...
i read Sunflower Sutra last night, it was quite easy to find online, and was quite touched by it. i've not read much ginnsy except "howl" (which i also like), and i'll have to add Sutra to my list of reaffirming poems (the other 2 are "some people" and "beans and garlic" by C. Bukowski).
shine on you crazy diamond,
sar
Posted by sar on August 14, 2001, at 10:35:24
In reply to Living in a city if possible , posted by Kingfish on August 13, 2001, at 19:17:29
Praise Kingfish, my fellow Taoist!
you're not in the great NYC anymore? i rode through it once on a bus and was amazed, i thought it was so beautiful (but weird, too, with the skyscrapers plastered in Banana Republic ads).
i live in a big city and all my friends and co-workers do is
drink
drink
drinknot nearly as much as me (i drink when i'm with them and when i'm alone), but that's what social activity revolves around. the other city i live in (for college, when i went and when i'll return) is very very liberal and excessive, drug-laden and bars everywhere (then i see the freshly-washed sorority girls jog by with their heart monitors or whatever and feel so guilty--there they are for gatorade and sweet-tarts as i junkily hold my six-pack--)
you've been drinking and smoking a bit lately, Kingfish? what's going on? hope you're managing to keep it under control--
sar
Posted by Kingfish on August 14, 2001, at 11:06:08
In reply to Re: Living in a city if possible » Kingfish, posted by sar on August 14, 2001, at 10:35:24
Oh, I drink, Sar. I've been drinking since 16. Well, I think I took my first drink at 14, a little wine snuck out of the firdge. So don't ever think I "have it together with drinking" or anything.
I've used it to help me with moods all along. And right now, even though meds are helping some, I still drink. But I'm working on it. I actually am exploring smoking again as an alternative. Crazy I know. It was the one thing I never got addicted to, though, and I'm wondering if I smoke at bars when out with friends, and when outside at night pondering things sometimes, if it will curb the desire to drink. Just a thought. Seemed to work last night. But I can still taste it. ;0
I don't think I can, or want to, stop drinking. I want to drink moderately. I have at times, and at times, I haven't drunk at all. So I hope to get to that point. It seems I can make it pretty well, but then have to have a night a week or so, where I drink a lot on the average. I'm sure this makes me an alchy by AA standards. I'm just trying to find a balance for me. But I'm really careful not to drink and drive. Not nagging! ;)
I guess my city comment was that in NYC, you don't drive - you take public transportation or a cab everywhere. That said, I felt like I could drink anytime I wanted to. That gave me a real freedom of sorts, because like you, if I deny myself something, I'll just do it all the more. So I would drink more often, but far less. And noticed that's how others were as well. (Some others).
I plan on going back to the City asap. I love it! Trying to get it together so we can have a leetle, teeny apartment there, and our house in Woodstock. We'll see.
Take care. Keep writing. It's nice to hear from you.
- K.
Posted by kid_A on August 14, 2001, at 15:03:32
In reply to poetry and accidents » kid_A, posted by sar on August 14, 2001, at 10:28:23
> working in a bar doesn't encourage you to act like a good little buddha, whaaaaat?
i spoke too soon, they changed the format of my night... i showed up but i no longer had a job... it wasnt personal (i had actually just started the night a week previous)... and the person who changed it wasnt the person, (a friend) who actually put me in there...
so what did i do? i got so trashed and high that i stumbled to my car and threw up a few times and then passed out next to my car because i was too sick to even drive... i get woken by the parking garage attendant who wont let me drive home so i have to walk home (see, its good im close)... i wind up having to come back the next morning (suprisingly not hung over) to pick up my car...
just another wasted evening all because im too damn sensitive... i think im riding high and i know to be paranoid because things are too good and then i get hit by a low branch on a motorcycle (metaphorically speaking)... im coasting on cool happiness and then one little thing that is very common in the dj biz happens and im sent back down to the dumps...
yay, ill have something distressfull to tell my talk-doc... i wouldnt want to come in too chipper now, would i... that would be making progress...
a disapointed kid...
Posted by Greg A. on August 14, 2001, at 16:03:15
In reply to Re: sar is okay » shelliR, posted by sar on August 13, 2001, at 13:59:59
Hi sar,
Just a couple of comments from reading posts on this thread. Klonopin has been a big help to me in getting anxiety under control. I took (abused) Xanax for a lot of years before i was treated for depression. i managed to get of Xanax totally and stayed off benzo's until i was hospitalized. The AD I was on was not working and I was too stubborn to admit it and get help. They switched ADs at the hospital and gave me Klonopin. Your doc. has a legit concern about addiction and building up a tolerance, however, I have been on 1 mg per day for almost 2 years and it still works. And funny you should mention it, but Prozac is the AD that worked for me too. My pdoc won't prescribe generic versions. She says they don't work.
So talk to the doc and hold out for what works for you.Good Luck
Greg
Posted by Kingfish on August 14, 2001, at 19:21:34
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » sar, posted by kid_A on August 14, 2001, at 15:03:32
Sorry kid. I would imagine DJ-ing is an extremely stressful bizness, though, for someone with a mood disorder to be in. But then, most folks in a creative biz, probably have a mood disorder right?
Have a good talk with your doc, and just start over. That's what I do.
- K.
Posted by shelliR on August 14, 2001, at 20:51:09
In reply to Re: sar is okay » shelliR, posted by sar on August 13, 2001, at 13:59:59
Hi Sar.
>
> thanks, i don't even consider it nagging, well maybe in an affectionate way,
good, that's how it's meant.
>
> the combination of prozac and klonopin have helped my social anxiety immeasurably. i find myself acting really affectionate >and extraverted, which sometimes makes me nervous because i wonder if i'm being too much! (after having spent so much .time reticent and retiring).I'm sure you'll balance out. Because if you are a true "introvert" in the Jungian sense of the word (Myer-Briggs test) than you will need to pull back sometimes or you will not be tune with yourself. But maybe you do tend toward the extravert side if you have no SA, so then you could go on and on like this. You'll find out, I'm sure. I have an extraverted personality, but am really an intravert, always need to recover after spending a long time with people, or I get panicked at being too far from myself.
>
> my newest pdoc does not want me to take klonopin because he feels it is too addictive. i argued that klonopin has really salvaged/saved my life, and he said that was a sign that i'd already become too dependent on it. i take .5 mg twice daily. he wrote me a 'script for one month's worth more pills, but he too seemed to think that i need to work on more cognitive ways to deal with my anxiety. the thing is, I HAVE. swimming, yoga, deep breathing, CBT, therapy--but without meds, ruminating thoughts ravage my mind, terrible anxiety, shakiness, like a deer caught in headlights.<Well, it doesn't seem like he's really threatening you yet. It's interesting to me that shrinks either don't mind using benzos or they hate it, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the needs of their patients. I think it's okay if he's helping you find other ways to control your anxiety, but if he threatens to take away the klonopin, I'd find someone else who will give it to you. If it helps you, it's good. My pdocs always give me klonopin; they never make it an issue.
>
> i want to do therapy again, but my last go-'round has made me very wary. since i'm not insured, i'd have to go to the free counselors, and i just don't dig them as much--their required "goal sheets," anti-drug propaganda, blaming depression on occasional use of illicit drugs--this has been my experience. i'm in the process of getting medical insurance and then will be offered psychtherapy on a sliding-scale rate, but i feel like i'm the big loser in a cakewalk and wonder if *i'm* the problem, if i've only wholly liked 1 psych out of 10 then maybe i'm expecting too much...what do you think?Well, I think people should be really picky about who they choose as a therapist. And probably if I had just picked my therapists at random, I'd really have a hard time. My present therapist was assigned to me years ago when I was in the hospital and I really liked her style, pushy but supportive. So the next time I wanted to change therapists I called her because I already knew she had been very helpful to me inpatient.
Here's the question (you probably already said, but I can't remember). After you drink one glass of alcohol, can you ever just stop. Or once you start, you lose that ability to control the amount?
If you can't control that, then truthfully, I don't think you're going to get very far in therapy. That kind of drinking usually has a genetic component to it, and people who have that basically have one choice, to stop drinking altogether. I've never been to a 12 step group, but they certainly don't sound very appealing to me. At some point I read that there were other types of groups available for alcoholics, but I don't know much about them, or even if they still exist. Is it possible to find another type of group that will help you? Do these "free places" offer groups? Then later down the road think about individual therapy?
BTW, I agree with everything that Marie says about you in her post further down. You've got so much going for you--I don't want the drinking thing to pull you down. And it will, baby girl.
Where do you live; I can't remember?
Take care, be careful.
Shelli
Posted by Wendy B. on August 15, 2001, at 1:54:30
In reply to to my pal N-N, jr., posted by sar on August 13, 2001, at 14:11:39
Sar,
sorry i didn't get to answer you sooner, i was away for a couple of days...> i know it was a sign and that i was lucky as hell not to have hurt anyone else. now i just get to get sued and/or face jail time/ probation!
yeah, that's all!!
> i did pass it off as a joke because well because i don't know why. i can't ride the bike drunk because i'm simply not co-ordinated enough to drink and bike at the same time.ok, i wasn't saying don't joke, i don't know what i was saying except get serious for a minute... i shouldn't talk: i use humor all the time to ward off feeling anything. 'my life as a stand-up comedian.' when i go into therapy sessions like that, my shrink gets a little short with me. because it prevents me from getting down to the basic questions about *feeling*, rather than masking it...
>drinking and driving is much easier. oh, this is just horrible. i'm saying awful things, i know. i've had a few sober nights since the accident, thank god i work 'til midnight sometimes and come home exhausted.
i know what you mean when you say that drinking & driving is easier. the driving part, anyway. please do the deep breathing thing or whatever you can to stay safe and avoid the six-packs.
did you say that you worked in a bar, on another post, that's why it came so easy to drink? funny, but i start working in a winery, v. part-time. i have to pour taste-tests of various wines for customers. my wage is v. low, but who cares? i get 30% off bottles, so long live the light, crisp dry white! i don't drink a lot anymore, so that white may turn into my self-medication of choice, it'll be cheaper than dope with the discount.
> i'm going to try nicorette and the patch next week. i have become concerned about my teeth and skin. been smoking from age 15, no good.
so many things at once... try fixing just one thing at a time, the urge is to get all better all at once, but it's too much of a shock on your system, babe. plz sloooowwww dooowwwwnnnn.speaking of fixing things, i'm sorry about the insurance shit, it's a crime. you have to have a therapist whom you actively choose. frankly, i'll go to any qualified internist or family medicine practice, but it's only natural that i want to take part in choosing the individual whom i will be seeing and spilling my guts out to once a week until doomsday...
the next rant is the klonopin thing... what a ridiculous set of steps they're making you dance to in order to get it. if it is helping you, then it's a hit! if the idiot doesn't get it (try printing out some of the best threads on psy-babble regarding klonopin being safe, and take them to your doc), then it's off to another shrink... hopefully without them calling your behavior 'drug-seeking.'
> progression. i wash my clothes now. i wear deodorant. sometimes even some makeup. i buy cute clothes. i chew gum. i socialize...and so as the sadness drops away, i hope that the drinking will too.i hope so too... although it's probably not as simple as getting un-depressed. the other stuff is *very* good, i mean it. buying cute clothes is good for the ego. i've been showing off my post-depressed body, post-breakup body, this summer. sounds stupid, but for $7 i can get all the polyester i want at the local target (pronounced "tar-jhay"). seriously, i was in shopping heaven. that's how much better i am, too, i can actually enjoy simple shit like that...
(i know it has nothing to do with hope, it has to do with DOING but i'm a taoist you see, when i officially tried to give up drinking in april i started drinking everyday just because i was no longer "allowed" to)...c'mon, the bhodisatva doesn't need to get high, does she? listen to your true buddha-nature, breathe from deep inside the belly,
etc.
etc.
>i have crushes now, i don't feel hollow anymore..
crushes are important, we need fantasy objects, we're not yet ready for prime time. my latest crush is my pharmacist, v. cute guy, especially when he hasn't shaved for a couple of days, he's probably a little younger than me, but so much the better... he worked a miracle with my neurontin scrip last week, i'll do anything for my mood-stabilizers, baby, and i do mean *any*thing. oh pharmacist dude!
should i ask him out for coffee? (or a pain-killer?)
>i do like my drink very much but it's harder to get to the store now, or a remote location like a large grocery store that i can steal from at 2 am, so the drinking drops by default.
another nagging entreaty: will you plz stop stealing beer! shit, girl, after the car accident, and the fines or probation or whatever, you cannot afford to go on doing that! cease and desist...
> i don't think i'd ever tell you off, wendy, unless yr planning to get all rowdy on me...?! :)you mean you don't think i *could* get rowdy? i'm a BP I / taurus - passion is slow and seething, and then it's all over the place, so look out! babe...
> you up for a catfight or somethin?
oh no... my spiritual guide sez: catfights are for the old me. hours-long, long-distance posting on psychobabble is about the only thing my buddha-nature requires of me at this time...
i do care about you, as do all the others: kid_a, shelli, kingfish, marie, greg, etc...
xox, your friend,
wendy
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 12:13:04
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » sar, posted by kid_A on August 14, 2001, at 15:03:32
oh kid,
i'm so sorry. what kind of club was it, was this regular dj'ing or electronica?
clubs are fairly erratic. i hope you'll not let it get to you too much. do you have any other job prospects? & you write too, don't you? do you freelance anything? (i respect your writing style bunches. i think you ought to give it a shot, if my opinion is worth anything.)
i was once a cocktail waitress at a club and was fired for being too "softspoken." i didn't know you could get fired for having a soft voice...but that's the club business, babe. in my own limited experience, i think you have to be a complete fucking asshole to run a club. i hope you're not taking it too personally.
please let us know how you are doing. & please try not to pass out anywhere but home! it's just not safe. you know that, i don't have to tell you, but...hey man, yr too classy to be passing out by cars anyway.
(i've passed out in a multitude of places--i'm not one to speak--but i am learning--i've made it to my home/bed 100% for the past 6 months or so--yay me!!)
what meds are you on, kid?
love
sar
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 12:23:29
In reply to Re: sar is okay, posted by Greg A. on August 14, 2001, at 16:03:15
dear greg,
are you on prozac and klonopin now? did you have generalized anxiety, social anxiety, or which kind? (i've a mix of general and social, in addition to major depression).
i've heard about the addictive properties of xanax and probably would not want to get on it because i've a rather addictive personality--i've never abused my klonopin, but from what i know, xanax is much more hardcore...
do you think klonopin is better than its generic form (clonazepam)? i'm really on clonazepam not klonopin, because my pharmacy does generic whenever possible. i think the next go-'round tho, i'd like to try real klonopin.
i'm on real Prozac now, but the price concerns me. it's so damn expensive! (i'm uninsured, and the insurance i'm getting doesn't cover prozac.) (maybe i should reconsider which insurance company i apply to.) (yes, i think i will.) i read that Barr Labs loses its exclusivity in 6 months and then flouxetine will be readily and half-pricedly available to the masses, but if it's not as good--?? shit, i've been on Prozac since April, and if i'm not on the right meds all the time i become actively suicidal (please excuse the brutal honesty) so i am frightened to downgrade my meds.
thanks greg,
sar
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 12:23:37
In reply to Re: sar is okay, posted by Greg A. on August 14, 2001, at 16:03:15
dear greg,
are you on prozac and klonopin now? did you have generalized anxiety, social anxiety, or which kind? (i've a mix of general and social, in addition to major depression).
i've heard about the addictive properties of xanax and probably would not want to get on it because i've a rather addictive personality--i've never abused my klonopin, but from what i know, xanax is much more hardcore...
do you think klonopin is better than its generic form (clonazepam)? i'm really on clonazepam not klonopin, because my pharmacy does generic whenever possible. i think the next go-'round tho, i'd like to try real klonopin.
i'm on real Prozac now, but the price concerns me. it's so damn expensive! (i'm uninsured, and the insurance i'm getting doesn't cover prozac.) (maybe i should reconsider which insurance company i apply to.) (yes, i think i will.) i read that Barr Labs loses its exclusivity in 6 months and then flouxetine will be readily and half-pricedly available to the masses, but if it's not as good--?? shit, i've been on Prozac since April, and if i'm not on the right meds all the time i become actively suicidal (please excuse the brutal honesty) so i am frightened to downgrade my meds.
thanks greg,
sar
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 13:31:46
In reply to Re: sar is okay » sar, posted by shelliR on August 14, 2001, at 20:51:09
>
> I'm sure you'll balance out. Because if you are a true "introvert" in the Jungian sense of the word (Myer-Briggs test) than you will need to pull back sometimes or you will not be tune with yourself. But maybe you do tend toward the extravert side if you have no SA, so then you could go on and on like this. You'll find out, I'm sure. I have an extraverted personality, but am really an intravert, always need to recover after spending a long time with people, or I get panicked at being too far from myself.i took the myers-briggs test when i started at a new college about 3 years ago and they said i'm an INTP. i've taken the shorter version online more recently and it comes up with INFP. but whatever it is i am, it's introverted. i physically need lots of time alone and have to "recharge" after being around others. one of my co-workers dubbed me "my own private idaho" because i can fall asleep anywhere and because of my apparent spaciness. however, when i tell people that my elementary school teachers would telephone my mom all concerned because i wasn't playing or talking with the otheer kids, they are surprised. i've become a talker and a half, no longer afraid people to touch ppl affectionately, i think i may come across as extraverted sometimes but really really i'm an introvert.
> Well, it doesn't seem like he's really threatening you yet. It's interesting to me that shrinks either don't mind using benzos or they hate it, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the needs of their patients. I think it's okay if he's helping you find other ways to control your anxiety, but if he threatens to take away the klonopin, I'd find someone else who will give it to you. If it helps you, it's good. My pdocs always give me klonopin; they never make it an issue.
i'm glad you've had luck with this. they do seem quite eager to label "drug-seeking behavior." well hell yeah, if klonopin is half my panacea, why *shouldn't* i seek it? i used to be really anti-meds, so being "addicted" to a benzo is not particularly appealing--but i feel like a new person, really. if this new pdoc doesn't keep prescribing i will certainly switch.
>
> Well, I think people should be really picky about who they choose as a therapist. And probably if I had just picked my therapists at random, I'd really have a hard time. My present therapist was assigned to me years ago when I was in the hospital and I really liked her style, pushy but supportive. So the next time I wanted to change therapists I called her because I already knew she had been very helpful to me inpatient.i agree with you. finding the right therapist is kind of like finding the right spouse or best friend! i found my favorite psychologist completely by accident (first time seeking one) but she was military, had to transfer. in the past year, i paid the wicked witch $110/session and the free counselors nothing for their propaganda. i think i may just sit out for awhile, enjoy the meds, read the Dalai Lama etc.
> Here's the question (you probably already said, but I can't remember). After you drink one glass of alcohol, can you ever just stop. Or once you start, you lose that ability to control the amount?
no, i can never just stop. even drop-down drunk, i won't take water, "i want beer!" i yell (my friends tell me this--they are saints to handle me). after one drink i just feel a bit dehydrated and tired, so i guess i figure it's just best to get really drunk and feel a lot better. the main thing that's toned this down has been the social aspects--you know how drunks, um, tend to do alot of embarrassing things? i'm big on embarrassment. i become embarrassed fairly easily. so i tend to not show up trashed anymore with a bunch of sobers. i do have a problem, yes. alcoholism runs in my family. the loss of cognition from severe depression/prozac/klonopin has destroyed my interest in reading. (i used to be an avid reader and majored in english lit.) i think, i should read Siddharte. but i pour a capecod instead.
> If you can't control that, then truthfully, I don't think you're going to get very far in therapy. That kind of drinking usually has a genetic component to it, and people who have that basically have one choice, to stop drinking altogether. I've never been to a 12 step group, but they certainly don't sound very appealing to me. At some point I read that there were other types of groups available for alcoholics, but I don't know much about them, or even if they still exist. Is it possible to find another type of group that will help you? Do these "free places" offer groups? Then later down the road think about individual therapy?
i've been to AA a few times and didn't like it. it felt like church to me. weird and full of hearty hollow promises and professions. i did appreciate the free coffee. i hugged a woman who was crying. i just don't dig the group stuff. the "free places" are kind of funny. like AA is free and so is some counseling, but i just don't think it's kosher. the free places usually have some sort of requirements/agenda because thewy are run by some sort of agency or religious group. i'm more of a rugged individualist anyway... :) i'll sit this one out by myself.
>
> BTW, I agree with everything that Marie says about you in her post further down. You've got so much going for you--I don't want the drinking thing to pull you down. And it will, baby girl.
it already has. lost friends. my supervisors have been warned that i have a "drinking problem" (but they still drink with me, shit) cuz one of the bosses smelled beer on me once or 6 times. i'm very aware of the dragging-down aspect--lost my best friend, my car, my flat tummy--3 goddamn important things. i cried alot about my best friend.do you ever feel like this--that if you fall in love, everything will magically be okay? i used to smoke pot day and night, but once i got into a good college and found a wonderful boyfriend, the potsmoking dropped off. that's horribly dependent and optimistic, but without another warm body in my bed, i just feel like destroying myself.
> Where do you live; I can't remember?
texas.
> Take care, be careful.
> Shelliyou take care too girl, thanks for watching out for me--
love
sar
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 14:05:00
In reply to Re: to my pal » sar, posted by Wendy B. on August 15, 2001, at 1:54:30
> Sar,
> sorry i didn't get to answer you sooner, i was away for a couple of days...
that's allright, chica...> >drinking and driving is much easier. oh, this is just horrible. i'm saying awful things, i know. i've had a few sober nights since the accident, thank god i work 'til midnight sometimes and come home exhausted.
>
>
> i know what you mean when you say that drinking & driving is easier. the driving part, anyway. please do the deep breathing thing or whatever you can to stay safe and avoid the six-packs.
> did you say that you worked in a bar, on another post, that's why it came so easy to drink? funny, but i start working in a winery, v. part-time. i have to pour taste-tests of various wines for customers. my wage is v. low, but who cares? i get 30% off bottles, so long live the light, crisp dry white! i don't drink a lot anymore, so that white may turn into my self-medication of choice, it'll be cheaper than dope with the discount.oh wendy, bay...shit, here you are trying to help me out but you've gone yrself involved in a winery?! do you have an alcohol issue? (that sounds so official, but you know what i mean.) have you heard The Pharcyde (a hip-hop group)--"the bud not the beer cuz the bud makes you wiser..." well, if you can control yoursel, drink a really thick merlot for me. or a syrah. and watch yourself!!!!!
>
> so many things at once... try fixing just one thing at a time, the urge is to get all better all at once, but it's too much of a shock on your system, babe. plz sloooowwww dooowwwwnnnn.i know. i am avidly chewing nicorette right now. smoking bothers me more than the drinking, because i feel i'm more addicted to smoking. i'm on the patch too, so there's no shock to my system, it's just the doing-something-with-your-hands aspect i miss...i'd already stopped taking breaks at work to avoid smoking...cigs are just nasty. i'm too vain to remain a smoker anyway.
> speaking of fixing things, i'm sorry about the insurance shit, it's a crime. you have to have a therapist whom you actively choose. frankly, i'll go to any qualified internist or family medicine practice, but it's only natural that i want to take part in choosing the individual whom i will be seeing and spilling my guts out to once a week until doomsday...
yeah!! see my post to Shelli above.> the next rant is the klonopin thing... what a ridiculous set of steps they're making you dance to in order to get it. if it is helping you, then it's a hit! if the idiot doesn't get it (try printing out some of the best threads on psy-babble regarding klonopin being safe, and take them to your doc), then it's off to another shrink... hopefully without them calling your behavior 'drug-seeking.'
klonopin is like orange juice and tea in the morning. i simply can't do without it. i don't abuse it, and those psych fuckers got me started on it anyway, i don't know why they now want to put me in the position of "addiction" or "drug-seeking behavior"...the klonopin was *their* idea!!>
> i hope so too... although it's probably not as simple as getting un-depressed. the other stuff is *very* good, i mean it. buying cute clothes is good for the ego. i've been showing off my post-depressed body, post-breakup body, this summer. sounds stupid, but for $7 i can get all the polyester i want at the local target (pronounced "tar-jhay"). seriously, i was in shopping heaven. that's how much better i am, too, i can actually enjoy simple shit like that...a friend of mine tells me that tar-jhay now sells mossimmo! i agree with you, it really does make a difference. for awhile i used to not care that i was dirty, smelly grungy etc...but having a job has kicked my ass to dress and smell decently. if i start shaving my legs and painting my toenails on a regular basis, i may consider myself even more cured.
> c'mon, the bhodisatva doesn't need to get high, does she? listen to your true buddha-nature, breathe from deep inside the belly,
> etc.
> etc.
>
who is the bhodisatva?
> >i have crushes now, i don't feel hollow anymore..
>
>
> crushes are important, we need fantasy objects, we're not yet ready for prime time. my latest crush is my pharmacist, v. cute guy, especially when he hasn't shaved for a couple of days, he's probably a little younger than me, but so much the better... he worked a miracle with my neurontin scrip last week, i'll do anything for my mood-stabilizers, baby, and i do mean *any*thing. oh pharmacist dude!
> should i ask him out for coffee? (or a pain-killer?)
oh yeah, just go up to him and say, "how 'bout some vicodin and vin rouge?" (or vin blanc, in your case). lets just CHILL baby!! hey, younger guys--what do you think? how old are you? thirties, right? all the twenty-something guys i know love thirty-something women. work it, babe.> another nagging entreaty: will you plz stop stealing beer! shit, girl, after the car accident, and the fines or probation or whatever, you cannot afford to go on doing that! cease and desist...
i know i know! but what am i to do after midnight with $0.23 and a bicycle to my name? i think the meds have helped make me more relaxed about stealing (bad). i don't do it the way i used to, but the other night i did stick a bottle of beer down my pants.
>
> you mean you don't think i *could* get rowdy? i'm a BP I / taurus - passion is slow and seething, and then it's all over the place, so look out! babe...
aw shit, BP I? you can certainly get rowdy. but taurus? that's an earth sign. you must be very balanced. taureans tend to be very grounded. (i am trying to envision a manic taurean--you must give me a description.)
> > you up for a catfight or somethin?
>
> oh no... my spiritual guide sez: catfights are for the old me. hours-long, long-distance posting on psychobabble is about the only thing my buddha-nature requires of me at this time...
yeah, me too. okay, no catfights for now.
> i do care about you, as do all the others: kid_a, shelli, kingfish, marie, greg, etc...i'm feeling better on this board. i have my own thread! woohoo! it is v. nice to speak honestly about all of this and get support...
xox back and back again,
sar
Posted by Greg A. on August 16, 2001, at 16:45:59
In reply to Re: sar is okay » Greg A., posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 12:23:37
Hi sar,
I am no expert on meds but I will tell you what has worked for me. Please do not take that as being sound medical advice.
I have found no difference between Klonopin and clonazepam. I currently take clonazepam. Xanax may be fine for some but I found that it was like a roller coaster. Withdrawal symptoms every 3 hours or so. Clonazepam seems more like 24 hours. Much more even. I don’t abuse the clonazepam either. I think I have generalized anxiety. But part of this is a reluctance to be very social. I used to find that if I drank I was okay socially at least until I drank too much. Now I don’t find that alcohol helps.
Don’t worry about not being able to get ‘Genuine’ Prozac. What my pdoc prescribes is PMS fluoxitine. I have no idea what the PMS is but she refers to it as real Prozac. I know that more than one manufacturer makes it so I think your supply is safe. It costs me more that generic fluoxitine, but you might want to ask one of the pharmacy whizzes on the PB Board about it. Maybe you could save a few dollars.
Hope things work out for you.Greg
Posted by kid_A on August 16, 2001, at 19:48:31
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » kid_A, posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 12:13:04
> i'm so sorry. what kind of club was it, was this regular dj'ing or electronica?
kind of a mixed thing, w/ electronic stuff some nights and one night of rock (punk/glam etc), that was my night, of course i went berzerk when i got the news, and wound up way-over-drinking and getting high, but by two days latter im happy to say that the same person who put me in there in the first place, re-put me back on a better night... unfortunately it directly competes w/ my friend (who's lagging night it is now)... so there could be some tension there...
> clubs are fairly erratic. i hope you'll not let it get to you too much.
by the next day i was 'disapointed' but okay, ive been involved w/ clubs/bars in some way for a while, though its been a long time since ive had a residency, and even though ive been fired before, it doesnt seem to get easier to loose a dj gig...
>do you have any other job prospects? & you write too, don't you? do you freelance anything? (i respect your writing style bunches. i think you ought to give it a shot, if my opinion is worth anything.)
im a programer by trade, but a freelance designer at heart, im working on a corporate logo / compact disc design concept right now for a mass distribution downtempo cd, so im happy about that... im also planning some artwork of my own, and am in the process of writing a short book of poetry... btw, your opinion means a lot to me...
> i was once a cocktail waitress at a club and was fired for being too "softspoken." i didn't know you could get fired for having a soft voice...
maybe they thought you might be taken advantage of, there are some real jerks at the bar and some of our bartenders get pretty jaded, some are still pretty soft, it all depends on what kind of angle they work... i think some go for the cute-n-cuddley 'please tip me' game...
>i hope you're not taking it too personally.
its a really strange situation, and the person who wanted me there still wants me there, and put me back, the people who really f'd me were some of the bartenders (ones that im not the closest too), because i think they were sick of not making money on mondays, but thats not my fault, i wasnt working there....
> please let us know how you are doing. & please try not to pass out anywhere but home! it's just not safe. you know that, i don't have to tell you, but...hey man, yr too classy to be passing out by cars anyway.
wow! i know, jesus, i dont even know what i was doing, lately ive been handling my alcohol well, but i think its the pot that really kills me if ive got a bit of a buzz on... im going to stay away from that... passing out in a parking garage is not good at all... i try to live a rock n roll life style, but thats way too 'vh1 behind the music' even for me :)
> (i've passed out in a multitude of places--i'm not one to speak--but i am learning--i've made it to my home/bed 100% for the past 6 months or so--yay me!!)
ive been good lately, sometimes when your upset you want to obliterate yourself and what seems like a rational thing (to get really high after youve been drinking beer and done a few shots) is just totally stupid to begin with... hopefully (and i keep saying this), its a lesson ill be able to learn from...
>
> what meds are you on, kid?right now, primarily effexor/geodon... i take xanax during the day because the effexor still makes me feel wonky... at night i have been taking ambien, and rarely, remeron, just because it just totally wipes me out...
knock on wood, things are back on track, and im lighting a few candles in thanks... there arent any promises in life, but im just going to try to make the most of what i got...
thanks again for understanding so well...
hearts from space,
-k_A
Posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 2:50:28
In reply to Re: sar is okay, posted by Greg A. on August 16, 2001, at 16:45:59
greg,
sound medical advice is cool, put so is personal testimony. thank you.
i'm glad you've found clonazepam to be as effective as name-brand klonopin. Clonazepam is so cheap that it amazes me--under $20 for a month's supply. tho i'd had some sort of grand idea that if i scored real klonopin i'd be cuddly as a kitty--
yeah--i haven't heard very good things about xanax. best to stay away. it sounds like crack or something--too extreme and addictive, bad withdrawal. i have (had?) both genealized and social anxiety, but both have been assuaged 90% with meds (amazing!).
do you know what PMS stands for, regarding fluoxetine? prozac is very expensive and i can't really afford it--if PMS has the same qualities but is cheaper, i think i'd like a 'script. please let me know. and do you think generic fluoxetine will be as good as prozac? it matters to me monetarily, but i want to buy the Best. i would spend the money on prozac if i knew it were superior to generic.
thanks greg,
sar
Posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 3:25:07
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » sar, posted by kid_A on August 16, 2001, at 19:48:31
> > i'm so sorry. what kind of club was it, was this regular dj'ing or electronica?
>
> kind of a mixed thing, w/ electronic stuff some nights and one night of rock (punk/glam etc), that was my night, of course i went berzerk when i got the news, and wound up way-over-drinking and getting high, but by two days latter im happy to say that the same person who put me in there in the first place, re-put me back on a better night... unfortunately it directly competes w/ my friend (who's lagging night it is now)... so there could be some tension there...
i don't know, i just don't trust the club business. i've only worked in strip clubs but i would imagine a similar mentality exists in dance clubs.
> > clubs are fairly erratic. i hope you'll not let it get to you too much.
>
> by the next day i was 'disapointed' but okay, ive been involved w/ clubs/bars in some way for a while, though its been a long time since ive had a residency, and even though ive been fired before, it doesnt seem to get easier to loose a dj gig...
>
> >do you have any other job prospects? & you write too, don't you? do you freelance anything? (i respect your writing style bunches. i think you ought to give it a shot, if my opinion is worth anything.)
>
> im a programer by trade, but a freelance designer at heart, im working on a corporate logo / compact disc design concept right now for a mass distribution downtempo cd, so im happy about that... im also planning some artwork of my own, and am in the process of writing a short book of poetry... btw, your opinion means a lot to me...
a computer programmer? i'm not up on computers so i don't i'm not up on the lingo of designer/programmer, if it even is for computers...what is a downtempo CD? i'm feeeling so unhip. i am like a cavegrrrl--not up on the new technology. 'bout 40 years behind my time. it does sound v. interesting though--i love the arts...> > i was once a cocktail waitress at a club and was fired for being too "softspoken." i didn't know you could get fired for having a soft voice...
>
> maybe they thought you might be taken advantage of, there are some real jerks at the bar and some of our bartenders get pretty jaded, some are still pretty soft, it all depends on what kind of angle they work... i think some go for the cute-n-cuddley 'please tip me' game...well, i was 19 yrs old and had switched from stripping to cocktailing...really i think they didn't like it cuz the customers were like, "why aint she stripping anymore?"--which throws in the GUILT aspect to them--also, i really am softspoken and not particularly good at waiting tables, "upselling" etc--real BROADS they want as strip-club waitresses, the outspoken pushy type--and much as i love and respect broads, i am not one. tho i hope to one day be one. :)
i don't think they were worried about me being taken advantage of--it was more the implication of stripper-turned-dancer--because usually it's the other way around. so when one of their "dancers" started wearing clothes...plus, as i told you, i'm no broad.> >i hope you're not taking it too personally.
>
> its a really strange situation, and the person who wanted me there still wants me there, and put me back, the people who really f'd me were some of the bartenders (ones that im not the closest too), because i think they were sick of not making money on mondays, but thats not my fault, i wasnt working there....so are you back? they should know from experience that any night befor thursday typically aint good...shit man, monday nights are the worst! and i've known some bartenders to be quite embittered. when i was fired, the main bartender had complained about my "softspokeness" and tendency to make minor mistakes. he really hated me. not to offend any bartenders out there, but the ones i've known have been assholes.
>
> > please let us know how you are doing. & please try not to pass out anywhere but home! it's just not safe. you know that, i don't have to tell you, but...hey man, yr too classy to be passing out by cars anyway.
>
> wow! i know, jesus, i dont even know what i was doing, lately ive been handling my alcohol well, but i think its the pot that really kills me if ive got a bit of a buzz on... im going to stay away from that... passing out in a parking garage is not good at all... i try to live a rock n roll life style, but thats way too 'vh1 behind the music' even for me :)
hey man, the rock n roll lifestyle is like, destroying a hotel room or buying champagne for a bunch of call girls. it's not passing out on asphalt. i've tried to justify my many similar experiences as the "rock n roll lifestle," but it just aint so. getting fuct up beyond any cognition is just getting too fuct up.. there's no rock n roll about it unless you're like, mick jagger, and even then you would end up on some embarrassing "behind the music" VH1 episode. live freely i say, don't worry, but hey, you're 30: you should know this shit--1) don't embarrass yourself 2) don't become helpless 3) pass out in a safe place.> > (i've passed out in a multitude of places--i'm not one to speak--but i am learning--i've made it to my home/bed 100% for the past 6 months or so--yay me!!)
>
> ive been good lately, sometimes when your upset you want to obliterate yourself and what seems like a rational thing (to get really high after youve been drinking beer and done a few shots) is just totally stupid to begin with... hopefully (and i keep saying this), its a lesson ill be able to learn from...
oh yeah man, i know...i tend to become cocaine-amenable when i drink just because i know from too much experience that mixing pot + weed makes me sick..i dunno..have you heard of the "multifier effect"? i truly believe in it. druggie/drinker that i am, i won't and don't mix? why? cux its disgusting
> > what meds are you on, kid?
>
> right now, primarily effexor/geodon... i take xanax during the day because the effexor still makes me feel wonky... at night i have been taking ambien, and rarely, remeron, just because it just totally wipes me out...good good, yr receiving help...
> knock on wood, things are back on track, and im lighting a few candles in thanks... there arent any promises in life, but im just going to try to make the most of what i got...
knocking on wood wright now (the desk). what kind of candles do you have? i've many suggestions re: candles.
> thanks again for understanding so well...i don't know if i do, but i hope so...i know the club lufe, funk that shite...you're daring to pursue it. i'm not made of the same suff.
drunken mini multiple hearts from space,
sar
Posted by mila on August 19, 2001, at 3:55:39
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » sar, posted by kid_A on August 16, 2001, at 19:48:31
Hi, kid_A,
can you tell me about any sites on the net where I could go and download Jamaican music? anything from mento, ska, and reggae to dub, dancehall, and ragga...
it's not really for me, but for a bedridden person in a hospital, so i do not want to spend a too much money on CD's because of one particular song that is needed, and would prefer to download, make a tape/disk and bring it to them.
thanks
mila
Posted by kid_A on August 19, 2001, at 21:46:38
In reply to to kid_A, posted by mila on August 19, 2001, at 3:55:39
> Hi, kid_A,
>
> can you tell me about any sites on the net where I could go and download Jamaican music? anything from mento, ska, and reggae to dub, dancehall, and ragga...
>Hiya mila,
If you know the name of the song and artist, the best place that i can recomend is audiogalaxy, they have the best % of songs since napster and it works pretty well... Other than that I dont know, I am pretty well into the dancehall/ragga/dub thing and I know what I am looking for (lee perry, ninja man, cutty ranks, gegory isacs etc etc) so you need to know, but w/ audio galaxy I think you can get a good cd's worth...
www.audiogalaxy.com
...it has gotten me a lot of good music lately...
good luck.
Posted by kid_A on August 19, 2001, at 22:07:19
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » kid_A, posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 3:25:07
> i don't know, i just don't trust the club business. i've only worked in strip clubs but i would imagine a similar mentality exists in dance clubs.
i know the strip club game, and its a little worse there w/ the managers etc etc, you have a high % of managers that are totally coked out and just shady to begin with, its hard to deal w/ for some girls, and some girlfriends that I know don't like the atmosphere to begin with much business wise...
>computers...what is a downtempo CD? i'm
i hate computers, they are just a tool, i am an artist by heart, but by designer i mean, graphic designer, so i use computers as a tool to desgin, so i am designing the art for a cd right now for a friend's company, downtemp = kind of like slow hip hop w/ out hip hop vocals, kind of like hip hop beats w/ out the hip hop.... but relaxed and mellow... maybe some vocals, but chill...
> well, i was 19 yrs old and had switched from stripping to cocktailing...
well then they probably wanted you to PUSH the drinks, to get people to buy the alcohol, they didnt want the soft cell out of you, i totally understand now, since you've mentioned where you worked... its all hard sell... get the customer to shell out for the booze... just typical strip club modus operandi...
>plus, as i told you, i'm no broad.
of course not, your a human being......
> so are you back? they should know from experience that any night befor thursday typically aint good...shit man, monday nights are the worst!
im back i think on wednesdays, which is trouble since the person who is in there now is a friend and it's his last vestige of anything since he's not doing fuck all else... but yeah, the owner wants me in there... wednesdays is not a bad night, hump night, and i think i could get it jumping again....
> hey man, the rock n roll lifestyle is like, destroying a hotel room or buying champagne for a bunch of call girls. it's not passing out on asphalt.
yeah, we know... its just a stupid lesson that we have to learn again and again... well hopefully i learnt it for the last time... i had the guy who did my mondays come up to me on saturday and all try to be buddy w/ me out of keeping the peace, thats cool and all but it really doesnt matter, i just cant help it that im some sensitive bitch... passing out in a safe place is good, i know better now...
>have you heard of the "multifier effect"? i truly believe in it. druggie/drinker that i am, i won't and don't mix? why? cux its disgusting
heard it, done it, suffered for it, yes yes yes, i try not to be so stupid anymore but i still do... when we think that just one little thing more will take us beyond where we are, that we need it.... it just pushes us over the limit....
> i don't know if i do, but i hope so...i know the club lufe, funk that shite...you're daring to pursue it. i'm not made of the same suff.
yes, its stupid its sacred and its profane, its limitless heartbreak and cliffhanging and skydiving, and stupid repetivive stress disorder, i cant believe that i need to go to the drug store to buy some nail polish remover to take off this black nail polish (i told you im rock n roll), at 11:00pm... but i do... yes you do understand, i can tell from your words, so thank you again, i felt so shit tonight until i talked to a friend, at the last moment (all over wednesdays)... but who knows... its all up in the air and scatered by wind, and obscured by clouds... thanks for being sar.....
much much much love,
k_A
Posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 23:45:07
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » sar, posted by kid_A on August 19, 2001, at 22:07:19
>
> i know the strip club game, and its a little worse there w/ the managers etc etc, you have a high % of managers that are totally coked out and just shady to begin with, its hard to deal w/ for some girls, and some girlfriends that I know don't like the atmosphere to begin with much business wise...i don't think i could ever do it again. maybe my meds have been messing with my emotions/sex drive, but i'm baffled that porn exists! it seems really bizarre...
> i hate computers, they are just a tool, i am an artist by heart, but by designer i mean, graphic designer, so i use computers as a tool to desgin, so i am designing the art for a cd right now for a friend's company, downtemp = kind of like slow hip hop w/ out hip hop vocals, kind of like hip hop beats w/ out the hip hop.... but relaxed and mellow... maybe some vocals, but chill...
that sounds so neet! i love hip-hop, the chill stuff especially (except when i get rowdy and blare the dirtysouth). i'm envious when i see graphic art...it interests me alot but i'm such a computer phobic it's terrible...is it a local cd or could i eventually see it in a store?
>
> im back i think on wednesdays, which is trouble since the person who is in there now is a friend and it's his last vestige of anything since he's not doing fuck all else... but yeah, the owner wants me in there... wednesdays is not a bad night, hump night, and i think i could get it jumping again....good!
> > hey man, the rock n roll lifestyle is like, destroying a hotel room or buying champagne for a bunch of call girls. it's not passing out on asphalt.
>
> yeah, we know... its just a stupid lesson that we have to learn again and again... well hopefully i learnt it for the last time... i had the guy who did my mondays come up to me on saturday and all try to be buddy w/ me out of keeping the peace, thats cool and all but it really doesnt matter, i just cant help it that im some sensitive bitch... passing out in a safe place is good, i know better now...
i'm not one to talk. heh heh, i was so vodka-drunk when i wrote that last message to you...there i am throwing it back over ice and cranberry while lecturing you...> heard it, done it, suffered for it, yes yes yes, i try not to be so stupid anymore but i still do... when we think that just one little thing more will take us beyond where we are, that we need it.... it just pushes us over the limit....
yes, yes...that one more little thing...usually when i get drunk i hold the belief that i am completely sober, that i'm a steel-bellied incarnation of the Buk, another shot, another line, another SOMETHING!
> > i don't know if i do, but i hope so...i know the club lufe, funk that shite...you're daring to pursue it. i'm not made of the same suff.
>
> yes, its stupid its sacred and its profane, its limitless heartbreak and cliffhanging and skydiving, and stupid repetivive stress disorder, i cant believe that i need to go to the drug store to buy some nail polish remover to take off this black nail polish (i told you im rock n roll), at 11:00pm... but i do... yes you do understand, i can tell from your words, so thank you again, i felt so shit tonight until i talked to a friend, at the last moment (all over wednesdays)... but who knows... its all up in the air and scatered by wind, and obscured by clouds... thanks for being sar.....
i like the way that was written. v. much. i understand. i feel driven to live on the edge, do not understand how my mother drives her station wagon 45 mph tapping her fingers to soft elevator music. i need EXCITEMENT--the embarrassment wears thin 'tho. today i walked around work laughing when i wasn't in the bathroom crying (i might be fired for going in drunk the other day). a friend asked me what was so damn funny and i said "my life is so fantastically humorously HORRIBLE"you are kind.
i'm feeling manly now! i haven't painted my fingernails in about 5 years and you're motivated enough to go out late at night to get proper manicure equipment. i paint my toenails but they are looking rather shameful right now. i am embarrassed. i will have to paint ASAP...
(are you good at painting your nails, or do you do the messy rockerboy thing?)
you are kind. so much time i spend wishing i weren't sar...so it's nice when other people appreciate me, or placate me!
(i am finally going to listen to radiohead's Kid A tonight. my bro has it--listened to OK Computer earlier. am now convinced that the karma police are after me fast + furious, ready to arrest and sentence me to a next life of ghandi-esque goodworks. i might enjoy that, tho. so they might make me do something terrible, like be a bedpan cleaner or somesuch.)
i hope you're doin well, kid...
love ya back,
sar
Posted by mila on August 20, 2001, at 1:49:48
In reply to Re: to kid_A » mila, posted by kid_A on August 19, 2001, at 21:46:38
> > Hi, kid_A,
> >
> > can you tell me about any sites on the net where I could go and download Jamaican music? anything from mento, ska, and reggae to dub, dancehall, and ragga...
> >
>
> Hiya mila,
>
> If you know the name of the song and artist, the best place that i can recomend is audiogalaxy, they have the best % of songs since napster and it works pretty well... Other than that I dont know, I am pretty well into the dancehall/ragga/dub thing and I know what I am looking for (lee perry, ninja man, cutty ranks, gegory isacs etc etc) so you need to know, but w/ audio galaxy I think you can get a good cd's worth...
>
> www.audiogalaxy.com
>
> ...it has gotten me a lot of good music lately...
>
> good luck.
Posted by kid_A on August 22, 2001, at 11:27:01
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » kid_A, posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 23:45:07
> but i'm baffled that porn exists! it seems really bizarre...
i guess im not suprised that it exists, i think that there will always be money in the manufacturing of desire...
> is it a local cd or could i eventually see it in a store?
it will be national and should be in a good many stores... virgin, tower, wal-mart even i think...
> i'm not one to talk. heh heh, i was so vodka-drunk when i wrote that last message to you...there i am throwing it back over ice and cranberry while lecturing you...
try vodka + red bull... its like you are a little wired + drunk... somewhat popular drink at the bars/clubs down here.... nowhere near the same sensation as doing a line and knocking back a vodka/tonic but what can you do...
> yes, yes...that one more little thing...usually when i get drunk i hold the belief that i am completely sober, that i'm a steel-bellied incarnation of the Buk, another shot, another line, another SOMETHING!
same here, i need to be in a certain mood, that self destruction blues kind of mode, but i just do it and i dont even see it coming... the next thing i know im about to pass out... im trying to curb that as much as possible... id rather be able to walk around, and walk home then be completely obliterated... but promises promises...
> i like the way that was written. v. much. i understand. i feel driven to live on the edge, do not understand how my mother drives her station wagon 45 mph tapping her fingers to soft elevator music. i need EXCITEMENT--the embarrassment wears thin 'tho. today i walked around work laughing when i wasn't in the bathroom crying (i might be fired for going in drunk the other day). a friend asked me what was so damn funny and i said "my life is so fantastically humorously HORRIBLE"
yes, i need the same things, i connect w/ people most who are like me, scene makers... really, a friend and i both are crazy, but when we are together, its like crazy x 10... we encourage each other i think... i guess i want to live my life, rather than be quietly desperate... as for the humor of self introspection, yes, the tragic parts of my life are so achingly futile as to be rendered laughable... right out of a movie... my sister tells me my life seems straight out of one...
> you are kind.
thanks, as are you, and empathic, which is twice as good as being kind, so you've got it in spades....
> (are you good at painting your nails, or do you do the messy rockerboy thing?)
i cant paint my nails for shit... it comes out all messy and i cant figure out how to do it w/out getting it on my fingers!
> you are kind. so much time i spend wishing i weren't sar...so it's nice when other people appreciate me, or placate me!
ask yourself who you would want to be... given what you know and what you have learned in life and what you have experienced, (you must trade these things in to be someone else), would you still give it up? i have a feeling that the person you are inside is worth many times more than anyone you might wish to be...
> (i am finally going to listen to radiohead's Kid A tonight.
cool, its a great album, check out amnesiac if you can... download audiogalaxy and dl some radiohead... its as good as the old napster...
> i hope you're doin well, kid...
as good as i can be for now, im on hiatus from psycho babble for a little while since i will be out of the country (in england)... so until i get done w/ some work duties there i probably wont have net access... hold the fort down and stay out of trouble... stay out of bad neighborhoods, thats good advice as well, be good to yourself and cherish the things that you know about yourself... only you know them so well, and they are something to be proud of...
-love in a
heart shaped
box.-k_A
Posted by kid_A on August 22, 2001, at 11:28:30
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents » kid_A, posted by sar on August 19, 2001, at 23:45:07
oops the above is to you sar!
Posted by sar on August 23, 2001, at 17:29:53
In reply to Re: poetry and accidents, posted by kid_A on August 22, 2001, at 11:27:01
>
> > is it a local cd or could i eventually see it in a store?
>
> it will be national and should be in a good many stores... virgin, tower, wal-mart even i think...!!! can you tell us what cd it is, or would that be too compromising to your anonymity?
> try vodka + red bull... its like you are a little wired + drunk... somewhat popular drink at the bars/clubs down here.... nowhere near the same sensation as doing a line and knocking back a vodka/tonic but what can you do...
i did have some vodka + red bulls at a bar a few weeks ago with an old friend from high school. we ended up hopping a fence to sit and chat, and then i went skinnydipping. i approve of vodka + red bull.
> same here, i need to be in a certain mood, that self destruction blues kind of mode, but i just do it and i dont even see it coming... the next thing i know im about to pass out... im trying to curb that as much as possible... id rather be able to walk around, and walk home then be completely obliterated... but promises promises...
i know, promises promises! sometimes before i go out i make specific promises to myself not to become too crazy, or i'll not shave my legs to avoid coming on to someone! i often promise myself i won't dance, but then i do...very drunkenly...poorly...
> yes, i need the same things, i connect w/ people most who are like me, scene makers... really, a friend and i both are crazy, but when we are together, its like crazy x 10... we encourage each other i think... i guess i want to live my life, rather than be quietly desperate... as for the humor of self introspection, yes, the tragic parts of my life are so achingly futile as to be rendered laughable... right out of a movie... my sister tells me my life seems straight out of one...i'm the same way. i've got a codeword for it: CFN. Complete Fucking Nuts. all of my true friends are CFN. i tried really hard to not be CFN for so long, but now i'm letting it merge...
> > you are kind.
>
> thanks, as are you, and empathic, which is twice as good as being kind, so you've got it in spades....back at ya, kid... :)
> i cant paint my nails for shit... it comes out all messy and i cant figure out how to do it w/out getting it on my fingers!the trick is to not put too much paint on the brush, and to slide it on in quick even strokes, then use another nail to clear any mess from your cuticles/ fingerskin. but if you did that, you wouldn't look like a real rockerboy anymore. go messy, it's much more druggy-glam...
> ask yourself who you would want to be... given what you know and what you have learned in life and what you have experienced, (you must trade these things in to be someone else), would you still give it up? i have a feeling that the person you are inside is worth many times more than anyone you might wish to be...
of course i wouldn't want to be anyone other than me, it would just be alot cooler if i could be Princess sar or sar Baez rather than minimum-wage sar, in trouble with the law sar, drinks too much sar, what have you...
> > (i am finally going to listen to radiohead's Kid A tonight.i liked Kid A but OK Computer is still my favorite...will let you know when i listen to Amnesiac...
> as good as i can be for now, im on hiatus from psycho babble for a little while since i will be out of the country (in england)... so until i get done w/ some work duties there i probably wont have net access... hold the fort down and stay out of trouble... stay out of bad neighborhoods, thats good advice as well, be good to yourself and cherish the things that you know about yourself... only you know them so well, and they are something to be proud of...
i hope the hiatus isn't for long! have a grand time in england and write when you can. have stayed out of bad neighborhoods since totalling my car. ma voiture.
yr gypsy cousin,
sar
This is the end of the thread.
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