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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 12:26:06
I have posted a few times on the boards, but as a brief history-I am 54 yr old female and have had depression since 1991. On various meds but now back on 40mg of Prozac and doing fairly well. I had total knee replacement on Sept 1 and am almost healed from that. Really did very well postop after first week. But I am also an RN and I am terrified to look into the job market again ( the last job only was one month because of knee problems). I worked for over 25 years in previous city but since we moved three years ago finding a job that suited me has been hard. Now I just do not want to work at all. But we need my income. What could be the matter with me? Should I just go work in a bookstore for little pay which I am not sure I could even get hired and am afraid to even apply there. Am I getting a phobia? I sit in the house day after day and worry about this so sooner or later, I will get depressed again. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
Posted by Racer on October 19, 2000, at 14:45:45
In reply to Why am I afraid to go back to work? Need help, posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 12:26:06
Boy, do we ever!
I'm sorry to hear about your problems, but also want to know more about your knee replacement. My dr started talking about doing that for me when I was 19 due to osteoarthritis, but I've held out mostly due to fear. Most of the cartilage was gone by the time I hit 21, and it's sometimes painful enough to keep me awake nights. I'm scared, but want to hear good stories of knee replacements to cheer me on.
OK, now for work anxiety:
After bad work experiences, and a couple of years on physical disability, and two years of barely making ends meet working for a non-profit without the budget for my salary, I'm now living in a new city, with a new SO, and actual opportunities for gainful employment. So far, I found another non-profit doing about the same thing I did before: fiasco! The most awful experience, and while I can understand more about my part in what went wrong, it still makes me feel, inside, like a total failure -- and I'm getting depressed again. I also recognise that I'm doing something I did in college: putting off doing what I need to do to get a better job. Right now, I'm trying to update my portfolio, designing a couple of weird fake web sites to show my technical and design skills, but I'm finding a lot of other things to do so that I can put off finishing it. Really, the other day I steam cleaned the upstairs carpeting! If that's not avoidance, I'd like to know what is! I'm getting depressed again, despite the drugs, and I know it's partly because I've got this voice inside me telling me that it's all MY fault that I can't find an acceptable job. That I'm so 'bad' that no job will ever be right, that my skills just aren't good enough, that I'm too lazy, that I poison any environment I find myself in, you name it, it's probably there inside me. Not only am I falling down in job hunting, I'm getting to the point it's hard to leave the house!
There are a lot of things that I've figured out so far, though, that might help you, too.
First of all, remember: you don't have the power to poison anyone! You, like me, are not so all-powerful that you can turn an otherwise pleasant workplace into Hell. Hell was already there, it's just that we may be more sensitive to it.
Next, despite my fear that I'll do my best and it still won't be good enough, my best really is the best I can do. And if I haven't done my best, whatever I've done is what I've DONE -- always better than what I COULD have or WOULD have or SHOULD have done. I'm the only one who's hurt by doing second rate work. Even for a nurse, you're probably hurting yourself more than you're hurting any patients, because I can't believe that anyone would allow a nurse doing second rate work to have enough authority to harm patients. If I'm wrong about that, please don't tell me! The point I'm trying to make with that is that you've got the sort of job that comes with extra pressure built in. There's still someone responsible for overseeing your work, for supervising you. Remember that!
A few years ago, my mother was hospitalized for a near death experience. She was born with CDH, and one long term effect no one expected was a severe reaction to constipation: her intestines tied themselves in knots. Mother was off from work for about two months altogether, and very, very weak by the end of it. Guess what? By two weeks before the end of that period, Mother was terrified to leave the house! I drove 50 miles each day to take her out of the house, and take her to my gym to try to get into good enough shape to go back to work. The first day, we only made it as far as the car. We had to sit there for a while before she could even get up the courage to go back into the house! Mother is otherwise normal, by the way. Eccentric, but normal. That sort of thing seems to be a reaction to the situation of recovery, rather than a sign that there's something really wrong with you.
The good news is that within a month of going back to work, Mother was pretty much fine. (The bad parts were practical: Mother changed her diet radically after that, adding a ton of dairy products like yogurt. After surgery to remove two feet of her large intestine? It was impossible to stay in a car with her without all windows open all the way! That sort of thing in an office environment must have been terrible for her.)
The bad news is that Mother is still very nervous about any new space. Going into a store for the first time can send her running to the ladies' room. The agoraphobia seems to have stayed with her, despite her recovery otherwise.
Here's something to help, I hope: every work space, or living space, I've ever had began to feel like 'home' to me pretty rapidly, no matter how alien it seemed at first. Once you find that job, doing what you enjoy doing and know you're qualified to do, you'll begin to feel comfortable.
As for that bookstore: don't do it! First of all, you're going to know that you're working beneath yourself, you won't be challenged in a healthy way, and you'll feel worse about your situation. Besides that, you won't be able to hide your unease, and will probably create a situation of failure for yourself. Then you'll feel even worse, since you couldn't even be successful in a job so far beneath your capabilities, and the cycle begins. If you take a job that meets and suits your capabilities, you'll be challenged at first, but you can obviously do it, if you've done it for 25 years!
Rah rah sis boom bah, you can do it!
And do keep posting here. Maybe we can cheer each other on, what do you say?
Posted by noa on October 19, 2000, at 16:06:36
In reply to Why am I afraid to go back to work? Need help, posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 12:26:06
You have had several major major stressors in the past few years. no wonder it is hard to jump back into the action.
Have you considered seeing a career counselor, perhpas one specializing in nursing, to find out if there is something in your field that is a bit different than what you had been doing, that might be of interest and a good change?
Also, perhaps you can focus first on doing informational interviewing, just to see what kinds of workplaces are out there. There may be some nursing jobs that are less conventional but would be a good fit for you both personally and professionally. Or, perhaps you can do some nursing temp work (I am sure there is the need out there) to get the feel of different places. For example, I would bet that schools, esp. private schools, need substitute nurses to cover when the school nurse is out.
I guess my thought is to allow yourself to take a slower process, not to pressure yourself into the all-out search for a return to full time work, because that may just be too scary and overwhelming. But also, not to necessarily assume you have to do a job that just an easy job to get.
Posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 16:49:21
In reply to We have something in common..., posted by Racer on October 19, 2000, at 14:45:45
Thanks, Racer, for all the info--it really did cheer me up!! I think I am just very tired of being responsible for people's lives, but truth is it would be stupid to work for minimum wage at a bookstore. I try hard to believe that when God wants me to work, the right job will appear. But maybe that is magical thinking!!
As for the knee, I have had problems with knee most of my life, and for past 6 years was told there was no cartilage left but that I was too young to get knee replaced. Finally, I found a good doctor who did the surgery and it is like a miracle. 7 weeks later, I am almost pain free. But, I must tell you that the first days and week after a TKR is very painful. But definitely worth it if you do the exercises and have a positive attitude. Again, thanks for your input.
Posted by ksvt on October 19, 2000, at 20:48:47
In reply to Re: We have something in common...Thanks Racer, posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 16:49:21
> Thanks, Racer, for all the info--it really did cheer me up!! I think I am just very tired of being responsible for people's lives, but truth is it would be stupid to work for minimum wage at a bookstore. I try hard to believe that when God wants me to work, the right job will appear. But maybe that is magical thinking!!
> As for the knee, I have had problems with knee most of my life, and for past 6 years was told there was no cartilage left but that I was too young to get knee replaced. Finally, I found a good doctor who did the surgery and it is like a miracle. 7 weeks later, I am almost pain free. But, I must tell you that the first days and week after a TKR is very painful. But definitely worth it if you do the exercises and have a positive attitude. Again, thanks for your input.Racer - that was so well stated - you had me psyched and I'm employed and not looking for a job. I was a little bummed, however, to see what you were writing about feeling depressed. I thought we had you well convinced a few weeks ago that you ended up with some real scumbags and had nothing to do with your most recent job experience. ksvt
Posted by Racer on October 20, 2000, at 1:09:12
In reply to Racer's post, posted by ksvt on October 19, 2000, at 20:48:47
You're so kind!
The depression has a lot to do with my own fantasies of getting a good job because I'm good, rather than going through the grind of trying to force people to look at me.
Plus, I may have another problem: while I've always wanted children, this wouldn't be a good time. This would be a rotten time. I'm not sure yet, and even if I am, I have a history of early miscarriage.
But I have felt strange for a week or so, and it's starting to feel as though I'm being introduced to 'someone', if that makes sense...
Timing ain't everything, eh? I'll let you know what happens, but something's certainly playing a number on my emotions. I'm ready to laugh -- then cry! In a split second, and everything seems more important than it is.
And it's not fun feeling sick to my stomach so often...
I'm pretending that it's just worry, and that I'll get over it. Then, if I'm wrong, it won't hurt so much...
Thanks for thinking of me, though.
Posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 2:20:31
In reply to Re: Racer's post » ksvt, posted by Racer on October 20, 2000, at 1:09:12
> You're so kind!
>
> The depression has a lot to do with my own fantasies of getting a good job because I'm good, rather than going through the grind of trying to force people to look at me.
>
> Plus, I may have another problem: while I've always wanted children, this wouldn't be a good time. This would be a rotten time. I'm not sure yet, and even if I am, I have a history of early miscarriage.
>
> But I have felt strange for a week or so, and it's starting to feel as though I'm being introduced to 'someone', if that makes sense...
>
> Timing ain't everything, eh? I'll let you know what happens, but something's certainly playing a number on my emotions. I'm ready to laugh -- then cry! In a split second, and everything seems more important than it is.
>
> And it's not fun feeling sick to my stomach so often...
>
> I'm pretending that it's just worry, and that I'll get over it. Then, if I'm wrong, it won't hurt so much...
>
> Thanks for thinking of me, though.hi racer--
i was reading the above and i'm not sure what meds you might be on (if any) but some meds are VERY detrimental to fetus development, --maybe it would be a good idea to find out what's going on and stop any damaging meds (ie depakote) or maybe i'm completely misreading what you wrote, i don't have the whole story--at any rate congrats, maybe???
laural
Posted by Racer on October 20, 2000, at 17:53:41
In reply to Re: Racer's post, posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 2:20:31
Laurel,
Thanks for the heads up, that's a very good point. As it happens, I've already checked, and the meds I'm on are listed as "try not to but if you must", so I won't try to wean off them until I know a little more. No teratogenics in the bunch.
I'm still in the 'could just be nerves' phase, so I'll give it a little more time before trying to figure out what to do. On the other hand, I'll certainly be doing chorionic vilii and amnio and sonar, just to be sure!
Thanks, and I'm trying to think of it as being just a late cycle, since I'm afraid of wishing it so hard I strangle my cycle, you know? Timing ain't everything, after all. It would still be exciting...
Posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 19:37:20
In reply to Re: Racer's post » laural, posted by Racer on October 20, 2000, at 17:53:41
>
> Thanks, and I'm trying to think of it as being just a late cycle, since I'm afraid of wishing it so hard I strangle my cycle, you know? Timing ain't everything, after all. It would still be exciting...best wishes, i hope it works out! : )
Posted by Racer on October 21, 2000, at 15:04:58
In reply to Re: Racer's post, posted by laural on October 20, 2000, at 19:37:20
Just in case anyone was keeping track, false alarm. Bad timing, so it's for the best.
Posted by laural on October 22, 2000, at 2:12:57
In reply to False alarm..., posted by Racer on October 21, 2000, at 15:04:58
> Just in case anyone was keeping track, false alarm. Bad timing, so it's for the best.
sorry racer, if you need that. it probably is for the best, but if you really want a child, there's always adoption. . .best wishes, laural
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