Posted by Racer on October 19, 2000, at 14:45:45
In reply to Why am I afraid to go back to work? Need help, posted by Dona on October 19, 2000, at 12:26:06
Boy, do we ever!
I'm sorry to hear about your problems, but also want to know more about your knee replacement. My dr started talking about doing that for me when I was 19 due to osteoarthritis, but I've held out mostly due to fear. Most of the cartilage was gone by the time I hit 21, and it's sometimes painful enough to keep me awake nights. I'm scared, but want to hear good stories of knee replacements to cheer me on.
OK, now for work anxiety:
After bad work experiences, and a couple of years on physical disability, and two years of barely making ends meet working for a non-profit without the budget for my salary, I'm now living in a new city, with a new SO, and actual opportunities for gainful employment. So far, I found another non-profit doing about the same thing I did before: fiasco! The most awful experience, and while I can understand more about my part in what went wrong, it still makes me feel, inside, like a total failure -- and I'm getting depressed again. I also recognise that I'm doing something I did in college: putting off doing what I need to do to get a better job. Right now, I'm trying to update my portfolio, designing a couple of weird fake web sites to show my technical and design skills, but I'm finding a lot of other things to do so that I can put off finishing it. Really, the other day I steam cleaned the upstairs carpeting! If that's not avoidance, I'd like to know what is! I'm getting depressed again, despite the drugs, and I know it's partly because I've got this voice inside me telling me that it's all MY fault that I can't find an acceptable job. That I'm so 'bad' that no job will ever be right, that my skills just aren't good enough, that I'm too lazy, that I poison any environment I find myself in, you name it, it's probably there inside me. Not only am I falling down in job hunting, I'm getting to the point it's hard to leave the house!
There are a lot of things that I've figured out so far, though, that might help you, too.
First of all, remember: you don't have the power to poison anyone! You, like me, are not so all-powerful that you can turn an otherwise pleasant workplace into Hell. Hell was already there, it's just that we may be more sensitive to it.
Next, despite my fear that I'll do my best and it still won't be good enough, my best really is the best I can do. And if I haven't done my best, whatever I've done is what I've DONE -- always better than what I COULD have or WOULD have or SHOULD have done. I'm the only one who's hurt by doing second rate work. Even for a nurse, you're probably hurting yourself more than you're hurting any patients, because I can't believe that anyone would allow a nurse doing second rate work to have enough authority to harm patients. If I'm wrong about that, please don't tell me! The point I'm trying to make with that is that you've got the sort of job that comes with extra pressure built in. There's still someone responsible for overseeing your work, for supervising you. Remember that!
A few years ago, my mother was hospitalized for a near death experience. She was born with CDH, and one long term effect no one expected was a severe reaction to constipation: her intestines tied themselves in knots. Mother was off from work for about two months altogether, and very, very weak by the end of it. Guess what? By two weeks before the end of that period, Mother was terrified to leave the house! I drove 50 miles each day to take her out of the house, and take her to my gym to try to get into good enough shape to go back to work. The first day, we only made it as far as the car. We had to sit there for a while before she could even get up the courage to go back into the house! Mother is otherwise normal, by the way. Eccentric, but normal. That sort of thing seems to be a reaction to the situation of recovery, rather than a sign that there's something really wrong with you.
The good news is that within a month of going back to work, Mother was pretty much fine. (The bad parts were practical: Mother changed her diet radically after that, adding a ton of dairy products like yogurt. After surgery to remove two feet of her large intestine? It was impossible to stay in a car with her without all windows open all the way! That sort of thing in an office environment must have been terrible for her.)
The bad news is that Mother is still very nervous about any new space. Going into a store for the first time can send her running to the ladies' room. The agoraphobia seems to have stayed with her, despite her recovery otherwise.
Here's something to help, I hope: every work space, or living space, I've ever had began to feel like 'home' to me pretty rapidly, no matter how alien it seemed at first. Once you find that job, doing what you enjoy doing and know you're qualified to do, you'll begin to feel comfortable.
As for that bookstore: don't do it! First of all, you're going to know that you're working beneath yourself, you won't be challenged in a healthy way, and you'll feel worse about your situation. Besides that, you won't be able to hide your unease, and will probably create a situation of failure for yourself. Then you'll feel even worse, since you couldn't even be successful in a job so far beneath your capabilities, and the cycle begins. If you take a job that meets and suits your capabilities, you'll be challenged at first, but you can obviously do it, if you've done it for 25 years!
Rah rah sis boom bah, you can do it!
And do keep posting here. Maybe we can cheer each other on, what do you say?
poster:Racer
thread:1311
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1313.html