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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 16:56:04
One of my biggest biggest issues, maybe even THE biggest is fear of rejection. This involves fear of being judged or criticized or that I've disappointed someone or made them mad or whatever. Any hint of any of that, real or projected, and I equate that somehow with rejection. Then I feel hurt and/or angry. Or I totally freeze and do nothing to avoid the possibility. Not a very adaptive style. I know this now. I see it happen. For smaller things, I can even laugh at myself about it. But it's a huge factor in my relationship with my husband, especially because he IS judgmental and critical and disappointed at times. He admits this. So interactions can be very perilous, given all that.
So last night, I tried out a new way of thinking and doing when this sort of thing happens. I asked him about something that had felt hurtful to me based on how I interpreted it, i.e. as a rejection. That was not an easy thing to do. Basically, I'm throwing out a "rejection football" to see if he picks it up and runs with it, which would be bad. Well, he didn't do that, but his response felt rather glib, flip, and a bit biting. He explained what had been going through his mind, but then said, "So it's not all about you, sorry."
He and I have recently talked about this pattern, and at that time, he expressed greater understanding of how it feels to me and how it leads to inaction or maladaptive actions, etc. Now, I didn't announce that last night's conversation was about my fear of rejection, but I did tell him how I had felt about the incident (him getting up in the a.m. instead of cuddling).
Anyway, his response really hurt. I don't think he had any idea how risky that was for me to ask. And I had felt good about feeling brave enough to check it out, ya know?
Yesterday was not a great day anyway. It was a GG's mostly invisible day, so having him not only miss the mark, but sting with his response was too much.
We haven't talked any more about it. He went to bed really early, and I stayed up and cried a ton.
Sometimes it seems that old patterns are easier because they are less risky, even if they are bad for you.
Dammit.
gg
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on June 8, 2007, at 14:23:46
In reply to Trying to be well hurts, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 16:56:04
Hey!
Well, I don't really have much to say, other than I admire your courage and self awareness. And I know how you feel - I think I have a certain fear of rejection too. Personally, I've just come to accept that I'm a sensitive soul -- perhaps thats what you mean by your old habits not being risky. But it must be good to be working on them like you are! I would have to say my problems are more a fear of abandonment, rather than a fear of rejection, and they're possibly sightly different versions of the same thing? Anyway. relationships are hard work in places, particulary so when you suffer from mental ill-health. It just puts a strain on things at times.
Meri
Posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 15:37:58
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts, posted by Meri-Tuuli on June 8, 2007, at 14:23:46
Thanks. It is hard. And I guess I mean that sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the effort, especially if my husband is still reacting as if I were in the "old mode".
Oh, and scheduling marriage counseling on my birthday? Big mistake. Big big mistake. Sigh
gg
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 10, 2007, at 23:23:51
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts » Meri-Tuuli, posted by gardenergirl on June 10, 2007, at 15:37:58
I so understand the rejection, not living up to potential thing. But you know what? They don't live in my skin or see things through my eyes. Or yours either for that matter.
I do have a great hubby who loves and supports me, but other family members don't seem to get it. Take care and wipe those tears.
MB
Posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2007, at 17:07:44
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts, posted by MidnightBlue on June 10, 2007, at 23:23:51
Very good point about no one else living in your skin. Thanks. I'm glad you have a wonderfully supportive husband. Mine tries. He really does. Which is good, but it's hard still when he's off the mark.
Thanks,
gg
Posted by Phillipa on June 15, 2007, at 21:49:43
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts » MidnightBlue, posted by gardenergirl on June 11, 2007, at 17:07:44
GG same problem and whatever I do to try and make it right it seems I've done it wrong in his eyes and he gets angry so fast it's messing me up bad. I've never been dependant on anyone for anything and now I am and I hate it. Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on July 13, 2007, at 19:36:36
In reply to Trying to be well hurts, posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 16:56:04
A guy I know, I think, *enjoys* tripping on my guilt switch. I then go into the sad-anger-sad sort of back and forth moods.
And, he'll tell me 'I can forget about all of this when I walk out the door'!
Yeah!
But me, I do the same thing as you gg. First I feel the guilt, and then come the altering sad-anger-sad moods. It just makes me crazy.
This one will probably not be w/ me forever, for he is such a handful. He keeps coming back to me. Of course, I sort of keep calling him if I need help w/ this or that too, or if I'm too lonely.
He's charming and all lovey-dovey, and then I'll say something in fun, and he'll suddenly act hurt and begin to gather his things to leave.(?) (I think he has plans and this is the way he gets from my home to wherever he has to go. He can't just tell me he has an appointment?)
Anyway, I'm left to feel guilty about .. nothing, actually. He does this to me all the time and I confront him and he acts like he has no idea what I'm talking about.
It's especially hard at certain times though, like if I'm feeling ill.
Reason I say he'll prob' not be w/ me forever is I'm truly not guilty most of the time, and I'm not doing bad things. He is gifted at turning things around so that he can go in the direction he wants to go.
I'm really sick to my stomach today and he found something that I was sure I'd hidden very well. He was, this time, rightly injured. And, oh boy do I feel guilty today! I sent him a mean text message, then another one. Then I turned off my phone! This makes me crazy!
And, he's out there and it's not bothering him a bit.
It's time to tell myself I'm a good person and not partake in his, guilt you into your sad-anger game. (Well, part of it could be my fault; I must be careful what I say about him online.)
I'm going to turn back on my phone and if he calls later ignore, ignore, ignore all weekend. And, I'll take care of myself and be fine and try to count my blessings.
bestwishesfriends 5f
Posted by Phillipa on July 13, 2007, at 21:28:49
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts, posted by Fivefires on July 13, 2007, at 19:36:36
You already know what I'll say so I won't Love Phillipa
Posted by Fivefires on July 14, 2007, at 1:04:58
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts » Fivefires, posted by Phillipa on July 13, 2007, at 21:28:49
Yep Phillipa; but isn't it just killing you? Don't you just want to scream it? Hell, I do!!!!!!
I sent you a long email.
It wouldn't be proper to discuss here what we've discussed in private, we all know this.
I never would have believed a person could really develop a 'best friend' relationship online until the last couple years.
Not sure same can be said w/ a sexual relationship. Sex involves the body so much, especially to men, well, and to women too, if you know what I mean. And, I'm spoiled. So, what do you do, come right out and ask?
lonelyFri1307, 5f
ps: Anyone know is there is significance to the numbers 999? I was just wondering why the 9th letter of the alph is K and there is the KKK and that's not good. But, my fav' # is #9. I can't say why because it might, no, it would sound like I was bragging. I mean, more than it usually sounds like I am.(?) I always wonder, I wonder how many people on babble would just love it if I never posted again. I was thinking earlier I wanted to post, Will everyone tell me in one word my worst quality. But, then I didn't as it might have caused some civil unrest. Or, maybe no one thinks about me much at all. Then of course I'd be more sad than I already am. Don't you hate it when someone tells you 'no one's thinking about you' or 'no one's paying attention to the string hanging off your dress' or 'no one paid any attention to what you said'. I do. It makes me feel unnecessary.
Posted by Phillipa on July 14, 2007, at 20:44:28
In reply to Re: Trying to be well hurts, posted by Fivefires on July 14, 2007, at 1:04:58
Sex is impossible online unless you watch porno and then it's not real. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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