Posted by gardenergirl on June 7, 2007, at 16:56:04
One of my biggest biggest issues, maybe even THE biggest is fear of rejection. This involves fear of being judged or criticized or that I've disappointed someone or made them mad or whatever. Any hint of any of that, real or projected, and I equate that somehow with rejection. Then I feel hurt and/or angry. Or I totally freeze and do nothing to avoid the possibility. Not a very adaptive style. I know this now. I see it happen. For smaller things, I can even laugh at myself about it. But it's a huge factor in my relationship with my husband, especially because he IS judgmental and critical and disappointed at times. He admits this. So interactions can be very perilous, given all that.
So last night, I tried out a new way of thinking and doing when this sort of thing happens. I asked him about something that had felt hurtful to me based on how I interpreted it, i.e. as a rejection. That was not an easy thing to do. Basically, I'm throwing out a "rejection football" to see if he picks it up and runs with it, which would be bad. Well, he didn't do that, but his response felt rather glib, flip, and a bit biting. He explained what had been going through his mind, but then said, "So it's not all about you, sorry."
He and I have recently talked about this pattern, and at that time, he expressed greater understanding of how it feels to me and how it leads to inaction or maladaptive actions, etc. Now, I didn't announce that last night's conversation was about my fear of rejection, but I did tell him how I had felt about the incident (him getting up in the a.m. instead of cuddling).
Anyway, his response really hurt. I don't think he had any idea how risky that was for me to ask. And I had felt good about feeling brave enough to check it out, ya know?
Yesterday was not a great day anyway. It was a GG's mostly invisible day, so having him not only miss the mark, but sting with his response was too much.
We haven't talked any more about it. He went to bed really early, and I stayed up and cried a ton.
Sometimes it seems that old patterns are easier because they are less risky, even if they are bad for you.
Dammit.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:761685
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/761685.html