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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bent on November 1, 2006, at 8:45:03
I am not sure what board this belongs on. It’s mostly about my fiancé but also has to do with therapy. I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. A year ago we both decided to see a therapist at the practice where I see my own therapist. For some basic relationship problems (wanted better communication, more romance, etc.) but mainly because he had been spending several hours on porn sites about 3-4 days a week. The porn came before me and our responsibilities and I was ready to leave him. Things got better. There were months of no porn at all, then sometimes there would be a little but nothing at all like before. Over the past 2 weeks I noticed my fiancé had been on the computer and on porn sites more. Maybe only a half hour every few days but that’s too much for me. My discovery yesterday is what has me so upset now. There were 3 straight hours of gay porn sites. From young men-to middle age, doing everything. I feel like I am in outer space. I don’t understand. What is going on? He says he was just looking. Most guys I know don’t care to look at gay porn at all. I am so freaked out. I don’t trust him. I asked him if he wanted us to break up and he says no. He gets all mad at himself and tells me he doesn’t understand why he does stupid things like this. That he ‘messed up.’ Of course he says sorry and says he’ll not touch the computer. This is all great but I can’t get those images out of my head. I can’t just forget that he spent 3 hours looking at gay porn. I don’t know what to do. I feel so desperate. I don’t know if I should call our couples T and ask to talk to her. Our next appt with her is next week. I’d almost rather talk to her alone right now. I see my own T tomorrow but I feel so embarrassed to tell her. She’s seen me through one problem after another in this relationship and I’d feel like a fool telling her this. My fiancé and I get through problems and get to a place where things feel good and then something explodes. I love him, that’s why this hurts so much. But I don’t know what to do.
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 1, 2006, at 17:27:47
In reply to i dont know what to do, posted by bent on November 1, 2006, at 8:45:03
Hi bent,
I'm not sure why your bf was looking at porn. It may be some kind of coping mechanism he has. Those sites are built to be kind of addictive, and engrossing. It's a good way for a lot of people to kind of tune out. Maybe he's stressed out or anxious or feeling something that he's not wanting to feel. He can kind of numb his anxiety or whatnot by getting stuck in the www. of porn. just one possibility.gay porn. you know better than I do about whether your bf has tendencies to engage in homosexual behavior. if he does, and it's affecting your relationship, you should talk about it, in a safe place, where both parties feel okay talking about difficult things (perhaps couples therapy is a place like that?)
my guess is that he has seen most everything else. heterosexual porn was getting boring, and so, to distract himself from the REAL WORLD, he turned to other flavors of porn. he's probably desensitized after spending so much time engaged in this behavior. gay porn looks different. maybe he was curious, maybe he just wanted to numb himself, or to convince himself that he knows all there is to know under the sun about sexual practices.
whatever it is, I think it's a coping mechanism. A symptom for something else. It's terrible that his coping mechanism hurts you so badly. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to feel competition for his time and attention with a bunch of edited www porn sites. You deserve to have his honest feelings (if he even knows himself) about what is bothering him, why, and how it can be addressed in a more productive way than tuning out on the www.
And I don't think you should be feeling bad or embarassed about telling your T what's going on. So what if you focus on a "bad thing" that your guy is doing. The most important thing is that bent talks about what's going on in HER life. Your T's opinion of your bf is less of an issue. What is more important is how your T can help you understand your strong reactions to your bf looking at www porn. Your T may be able to help you understand how and why the gay porn makes you feel even more helpless and angry and frustrated than the hetero porn-- if I'm understanding your post right.
Maybe it's just the shock to you- you find it repulsive or unnatural and so you blame your bf for bringing that uncomfortable feeling and images into your life?
lots of complicated stuff here. good for your individual T session and definitely for couple's T. your bf needs to work on this some more. I have hopes for him, though. He improved once, and now he's slipping back into old habits, but I *bet* he can get back on the right track with some extra work on his part.
hang in there bent, you're not alone,
-Li
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