Posted by Lindenblüte on November 1, 2006, at 17:27:47
In reply to i dont know what to do, posted by bent on November 1, 2006, at 8:45:03
Hi bent,
I'm not sure why your bf was looking at porn. It may be some kind of coping mechanism he has. Those sites are built to be kind of addictive, and engrossing. It's a good way for a lot of people to kind of tune out. Maybe he's stressed out or anxious or feeling something that he's not wanting to feel. He can kind of numb his anxiety or whatnot by getting stuck in the www. of porn. just one possibility.gay porn. you know better than I do about whether your bf has tendencies to engage in homosexual behavior. if he does, and it's affecting your relationship, you should talk about it, in a safe place, where both parties feel okay talking about difficult things (perhaps couples therapy is a place like that?)
my guess is that he has seen most everything else. heterosexual porn was getting boring, and so, to distract himself from the REAL WORLD, he turned to other flavors of porn. he's probably desensitized after spending so much time engaged in this behavior. gay porn looks different. maybe he was curious, maybe he just wanted to numb himself, or to convince himself that he knows all there is to know under the sun about sexual practices.
whatever it is, I think it's a coping mechanism. A symptom for something else. It's terrible that his coping mechanism hurts you so badly. I'm sorry. You don't deserve to feel competition for his time and attention with a bunch of edited www porn sites. You deserve to have his honest feelings (if he even knows himself) about what is bothering him, why, and how it can be addressed in a more productive way than tuning out on the www.
And I don't think you should be feeling bad or embarassed about telling your T what's going on. So what if you focus on a "bad thing" that your guy is doing. The most important thing is that bent talks about what's going on in HER life. Your T's opinion of your bf is less of an issue. What is more important is how your T can help you understand your strong reactions to your bf looking at www porn. Your T may be able to help you understand how and why the gay porn makes you feel even more helpless and angry and frustrated than the hetero porn-- if I'm understanding your post right.
Maybe it's just the shock to you- you find it repulsive or unnatural and so you blame your bf for bringing that uncomfortable feeling and images into your life?
lots of complicated stuff here. good for your individual T session and definitely for couple's T. your bf needs to work on this some more. I have hopes for him, though. He improved once, and now he's slipping back into old habits, but I *bet* he can get back on the right track with some extra work on his part.
hang in there bent, you're not alone,
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:699549
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/699648.html