![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 1:16:31
I'm currently dating someone with OCD. She's great in many ways, but sometimes I feel she's basing her actions on what she thinks I'm thinking and not actually checking with me. For example, she is somewhat of a nocturnal person, so she'll usually call to hang out at around 10:00 or 10:30 and be really apologetic because she doesn't want to bother me/overstay her welcome, eventhough that's the way we usually hang out, and then usually say something like, "I'll let you go now, you need to get some sleep." Well, at this point I'm awake because I'm excited that she called, and I couldn't get sleep if I wanted. Sometimes we hang out until 7 or 8 in the morning and not just engaged in sinister enterprises but actually talking and getting to know each other. Like I said, she's nocturnal. She generally works from about is 3:00 to 11:00 at a restaurant. When she has a day off, it's a different story, but I'm never sure when her days off are going to be. She generally works the weekends until 11:30 and 12:00 and wants to hang out at 12:30 but feels really guilty and I have to reassure her that I want to hang out with her. I don't want her to feel guilty and I want to hang out with her and I think she has a very simplistic view of my attitude towards my sleeping patterns, which we need to overcome. Any advice would be helpful.
Posted by Jazzed on June 28, 2005, at 7:12:30
In reply to Dating Someone with OCD, posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 1:16:31
That's exactly what I'd tell her! I'm so excited that you called, I can't wait to see you and hang out. It doesn't matter that it's late, I really like talking with you, and getting to know you better.
Then she doesn't have to go through that every time. Sounds like she needs a self esteem boost. I know all too well about that.
Ask her if she can give you her schedule every week, so you'll have an idea of when you might need to get some shut eye in case she calls and wants to hang out.
Sounds like you're a great guy! If I were dating you, I wouldn't want to annoy you either. You sound like a keeper!
Jazzy
Posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 7:47:34
In reply to Dating Someone with OCD, posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 1:16:31
I have a friend with OCD and he needs a lot of reassurance. I reassure him over and over and over that I'm still his friend. If I didn't know it was OCD I might find it annoying, but he explained why he feels the way he does, so when he's looking for reassureance I simply tell him what he wants/needs to hear.
I think it might help if you did the same. Just remain patient, and tell her you want to hang out with her as often as she needs to hear it.
Tamar
Posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 8:07:25
In reply to Re: Dating Someone with OCD » NeilKramer, posted by Tamar on June 28, 2005, at 7:47:34
Thanks Jazzy and Tamar,
That helps. The truth is that I can relate somewhat to what she's going to because I've experienced anxiety myself. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I've been treated for GAD and insomnia which is probably influenced by PTSD - from two extremely traumautic experiences in high school - and we have a lot of similarities in our personality. We are always losing our keys or wallets, so we're both forgetful. We both like to engage waiters and waitresses in conversations about ordering, which means we usually like to eat at around 3:00 in the afternoon, so we can become friends with the wait staff. I also have only felt as understood by a romantic since I was 18-20 and I was dating someone also with anxiety issues. It's in my family. My sister has panic disorder and we get along great. Maybe there is something about personality and anxiety that I like. Maybe it's linked to emotional intelligence. I have a friend with OCD, and he's a lot of fun to hang out with and talk to, even if he has a hard time finishing a sentence.
Best,
Webb
Posted by sunny10 on June 28, 2005, at 10:50:42
In reply to Re: Dating Someone with OCD, posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 8:07:25
my therapist just suggested to me that I may have a form of OCD, also.
I also need a lot of reassurance that the person I'm with really wants to be with me. While I'm with them, AND when I'm alone.
I've got to learn to be bold and ask for what I need- but even that makes me anxious because I'm afraid of seeming "needy"... something I've been told that men hate!
She's lucky that she has you and that you understand.
If it doesn't bother you too much, yes, simply reassure her even more often than you think you need to!
Posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 10:58:24
In reply to Re: Dating Someone with OCD » NeilKramer, posted by sunny10 on June 28, 2005, at 10:50:42
All this is good, but she also values her independence. We never go to her apt, both because she is self-conscious about it and because she needs her own space and doesn't want other people there. She doesn't even invite her best friends there, though a lot of her best friends live on her block, so she has a good setup. I don't want to condescend to her because she is very intelligent and extremely astute with men and dating. When I first started dating her, men would hit on her because you could see she was so charismatic. She also has a bit of a "bad-girl" image, but once you get to know her she is more of a traditional type, at least in regard to the bedroom. I think they should teach that to young men because so many are confused by this. Flirtation doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you. Often it is the opposite, in that the less flirtatious women at a party, the quiet ones in the corner of the room, are more quick to hop into bed and are less into playing around with intrigue.
Posted by sunny10 on June 28, 2005, at 12:38:27
In reply to Re: Dating Someone with OCD, posted by NeilKramer on June 28, 2005, at 10:58:24
I quite agree about the quiet ones usually being more active, shall we say...
It must be very difficult for her to need reassurance AND need to be independent. Sounds like she doesn't need to BE with you all of the time, but a phone call when you're not together, just to say "I miss you" goes a long way...and doesn't upset the independence balance either.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Relationships | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.