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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by missamor on December 27, 2004, at 23:33:47
i am finally to a point in my life where i want to progress in my relationship with my s/o. a wonderful, understanding, supportive man. i should be so lucky. but i have always had a nagging feeling i may spend my life alone. when i say nagging i mean reoccurring and not that it really bothers me. but since meeting him i have really changed alot of my views regarding what i want for my future and my future with him, family all that. (i am 26.) not talking about now, but in future. i am currently taking 1.5 mg klonopin a day, deal with ocd, gad and anorexia/exercise bulimia. i have spent so much time alone, it is frightening for me to allow someone to see me on a daily basis (we have recently moved in together) the first time in my life to live with s/o. i love him dearly and want things to work out well. i need to get to the point. i worry about when i will wean off of k to have child (and him realizing i am dependant.) i worry about someone having such a close look into my life. very scary to me. i have always been a loner to a degree. tho those that know me well are the only ones that know that. kind of weird. i know my s/o does not know the full extent of what i deal with in my head with the ocd, gad, eating disorders. and i dont know how much i want him too. THE QUESTION IS HOW HONEST MUST ONE BE TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP?? im not talking about having affairs or secrets like that. But i am afraid it affects me and he notices and i have no explantion as i dont like talking to ppl about this stuff. web is much better. i have done my therapy. taking one prescript. doing pretty well. but do fall into my ocd behaviours and anorexic tendacy and the gad is apparent all the time. do you think it is possible to have a loving, honest relationship when one deals with this type of problems (me) and does not wnat to address them with s/o.
i know ill get a good answer from you guys.
thanks alot!
Posted by Glydin on December 27, 2004, at 23:51:38
In reply to letting others in..., posted by missamor on December 27, 2004, at 17:59:24
> do you think it is possible to have a loving, honest relationship when one deals with this type of problems (me) and does not wnat to address them with s/o.
~~~If you are looking at this being a long term "this is it" relationship and it sounds like you are... my thoughts are ---- problems, yours and his, make up who you are as individuals and you do have to be honest about those things. I understand your concerns and it's so very scary to share and be open about things we do not care to share and be open about sometimes even with ourselves, but I feel it's pretty essential to fostering trust - which, I think is essential to a workable blending of lives. Many challenges come during any long term relationship, but truthful, understanding communication can see you though a great deal of what life throws our way.
I've been married for 23 years if that adds any weight to what I've written.
I'm happy for you and if it's right, acceptance on both your parts will happen. We all have challenging parts to us and loving support can be a big healer, too. If you can secure that, it's a great thing. I hope it works out for you.
Glydin
Posted by isg on December 28, 2004, at 4:30:21
In reply to letting others in..., posted by missamor on December 27, 2004, at 17:59:24
My experience dealing with women is that even when one is very close, it is better not to mention everything, especially those things that will be annoying or make one less desirable. Save that for your shrink.
Posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 12:02:39
In reply to Re: letting others in..., posted by isg on December 28, 2004, at 4:30:21
> My experience dealing with women is that even when one is very close, it is better not to mention everything, especially those things that will be annoying or make one less desirable. Save that for your shrink.
I respectfully disagree with most of that opinion, if I understood it correctly. I do agree no person has to tell another - including therapists or s/o's *everything*, as in every single passing, private thought, dream or fantasy. We all need those things which are truly ours alone, or perhaps between us and God, if one's beliefs go that way. Even my former T. I was the closest to used to remark, "I don't expect you to tell me absolutely every thought and feeling."
But I disagree that the motivation for concealing things would be to be less annoying or more desireable to a partner. I'm probably especially uncomfortable with the part about being desireable or not. I feel this thought process can really lead to huge problems as a relationship deepens. If I must constantly worry that a mental health problem or weakness of mine will make me undesireable, and therefore presumably that person might leave me based on just knowing about it, I would never be secure in the relationship. I don't think I would want to be close or try to have a truly intimate, mature relationship with someone where this was always a present concern. I might try to *edit* things too much, leading to a lot of misconceptions and misunderstanding.
Just my 2 cents, of course.
Posted by isg on December 28, 2004, at 15:07:16
In reply to Re: letting others in... » isg, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 12:02:39
10derheart,
I understand your position on this matter well. It is the approach I used to take, but have benefitted from no longer following. I have learned that a more mature relationship can involve containing some threads of thought, lest they sow the seeds of relationship decay.
Posted by Dinah on December 28, 2004, at 19:31:13
In reply to letting others in..., posted by missamor on December 27, 2004, at 17:59:24
I think it's fair not to want to burden our loved ones with things they cannot help. That's one reason I employ a shrink. But I do think they probably need to have an overview in interests of fair disclosure. I don't talk to my husband often about the things I struggle with. But he does know about them. Although I am generally careful about how I frame them.
This is the end of the thread.
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