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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 35. Go back in thread:
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 26, 2013, at 8:51:27
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2013, at 21:18:11
It's a great feeling to know there is a little bit more coming in, plus having a positive, wanted for change coming, and being able to plan a few purchases for yourself and no one else.
Love it.
Have fun!
Posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2013, at 22:33:04
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on October 26, 2013, at 8:51:27
> It's a great feeling to know there is a little bit more coming in, plus having a positive, wanted for change coming, and being able to plan a few purchases for yourself and no one else.
That is my life, the way I like it. If I wanted to worry about other people I'd get a partner and have kids.
The little bit more coming in is huge. It is the difference between only just having enough to meet basic needs (mostly). and sometimes making poor choices (e.g., giving in to coffee temptation so running out of food totally half a day before pay day). and having a little bit more so i can have little things like the odd coffee or beer or coffee machine purchase to look forward to / appreciate. the latter... well... it can be easily taken for granted sometimes. but when you have had to have gone without it for a while when you get something like that back you realize it is a huge part of being / feeling human. which is, i guess, why people make poor choices sometimes. to try and forget...
anyway... yeah. habitable living environment coming up. enough money to eat nutritiously with some good planning. a little bit extra for those extra things that help one feel human. life is good.
after the hell i've been through over this last year or so i am really really happy for this.
there is this complaint that our brightest seem to be leaving... part of why they do that (i've realized) is because they are often treated like sh*t here. this opportunity... the fact that they are going to leave me be to get on with my life for the next 2 years...
is... all very reasonable, i have to say. it makes me feel... like i might want to stay here and help make things better for others after all.
the whole point is... i'm not going to get a partner or kids to look after. i'm territorial and i need my own territory and i need people to keep the f*ck out of it. once i have that space...
then i get this urge to help others, though. i would like a vocation that helps. not just a job. see... i don't need to balance work and life. not if you are passionate about your work.
meh.
i don't think people understand this / are supposed to understand this anymore.
is this really such a minority thing or is it just that all the people feeling this way left / it is considered an un pc way to be?
i don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 0:14:50
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 26, 2013, at 22:33:04
things have of course turned to complete crap here, now that the flatmates know i plan to leave them. there was a blow out the other day when one across the hall turned her music up then went and hung out up the other end of the house...
i basically got told to f*ck off when i asked her to turn her music down so i could return to sleep. that 8.30am was 'regular people' hours and people had a right to make noise during those hours...
it is basically a case of negative attention is better than no attention at all... they would rather turn up the noise intentionally to bait me and interact with me that way than not interact with me at all.
which makes them crabs in a bucket, pulling me down, rather.
if i could set aside half my morning to figure how to deal with this... if i could take time off to hang out with them... then things would of course smooth over.
the thing is...
why should i?
i don't pay rent to babysit them. after this performance... i'm over them. totally. i have no desire to interact with them whatsoever. over it entirely.
so...
back to the typical stand-off situation that happens whenever i am forced to live with other people. they derive their pleasures from tormenting me and intentionally trying to wind me up doing things that irritate me a lot like being noisy and whatever it is that they can think up to purposely annoy me...
and i try my very very best not to murder the lot of them in their sleep.
what joy.
counting down the days...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 0:53:04
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 0:14:50
because the only way i can get them to be quiet is to train them. like teaching a dog to stay. you start out and you just take one step in front of them. for a few seconds. then you return to them and make a big fuss about how good they were. then next time you can take maybe two steps in front of them. for several seconds. then return and make a big fuss.
i don't have the energy / time / inclination to be making fairly constant fusses over their being relatively quiet (e.g., i only hear them loudly whispering 'hey lets try and be quiet') every 15 minutes or so.
which is basically what they need. not in order to *actually be* quiet. but in order for them to *not intentionally bait me with their noise*.
that is where things are at.
which is why their degrees don't require them to do any work outside class at all. which is why... they don't exactly learn much to take back to their tribe... so their tribe profits from their education. you get people with degrees in food science who can't organize the f*ck*ng dishwashing detergent. or perhaps (nearing the end of the year now) they are still on the washing of hands and they have not yet progressed to the washing of dishes.
not my problem.
i can't wait.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 27, 2013, at 8:04:14
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 0:14:50
I am almost in a similar situation here. I really value my solitude and feel that it allows me to get on better with others. My husband, though, doesn't have a clear idea of boundaries. We worked extensively on it in therapy together, and it is the one element I am holding him to.
It takes a lot of energy and vigilance on my part to do it. It isn't even a personal agenda with him, as in, "I want to spend as much together as we can," as much a vestige of how his parents were with each other. So I just won't let go of it. If it means getting in the car and going to a cafe (this is America, I can't WALK anywhere useful), then I don't hesitate doing it.
Another helpful item has been noise cancelling headphone. The prices are all over the map, but I found that ones that cover my entire ear work best. Mine even take batteries. Awesome invention. Save up for those and your quality of life will improve dramatically. Cross my heart.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 23:18:10
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on October 27, 2013, at 8:04:14
maybe the idea is that you have different boundaries.
i mean... sometimes you do desire to be closer to him. you won't leave him, for example. you wanted him to walk with you during your trip. so you don't spend every minute of every day wishing that he would leave you alone. if you did feel that way you probably have options around leaving.
though at times you want more space from him, i hear that.
it is good if you can get a sense of space by leaving the house. sometimes i can... but othertimes... i can't. because there isn't anyplace outside the house where people leave me alone. people in this country simply won't let you be alone. you can put yourself in the middle of an empty sports field and in less than 15 minutes someone will race out and onto that field and start noisily prancing about. people are simply like that, here. they cannot leave a person who obviously wants to be by themself to be by themself.
some people have told me that there are things you do so people will leave you alone. most notably: pretending to be texting or talking to other people on your cellphone. that is the only socially acceptable reason for not wanting to spend time with people, you see. spending time with other people.
i can't wear noise cancelling headphones all the time. i'll get a migrane / headache. also: why the f*ck should i have to wear noise cancelling headphones? i want to hear the birds sing and hear the wind blow through the trees. i have the right to peacable enjoyment. i have the right to sleep and wake as i see fit and not have 'now you can study' 'now you can't' decisions being made by 17 year old flatmates who couldn't even manage to finish high school.
it is my stupidity, of course. people were 'do you really think you want to live there?' etc etc. and... i didn't see why not. i thought other people were being racist or whatever. elitist about the whole university thing. well... i can say i've given it more of a shot / gained a more intimate acquantance of the situation than most... and as a result... i've probably ended up even more racist and even more elitist than most. yay me. well done.
counting down the days.
but yeah, you are right... this income increase is wonderful. it means i can spend more time in cafe's and less time at home. i need to write to my advisor and arrange my extension... will take a lot of the rage out of the situation if i can tell myself that my work is allowed to proceed at a slower pace till my move... focus on this conference talk (hopefully can manouver that into being an oral defence proxy and get rid of the whole skype deal) rather than teh whole thesis...
i'll be okay. lets pick december 8 as moving date...
41 days.
god dammit. i need to move sooner.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 28, 2013, at 7:37:52
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 23:18:10
Good, now you have a deadline and a countdown. It does help to see the number of days shrink.
And my renovation is back on track. Tomorrow I will be getting handles and knobs, and shelves will be installed so I can USE my kitchen instead of living like a vagrant out of boxes. The contractor has issues of his own and didn't realise how they were affecting us - me.
As for my husband, I consider him untrainable. It's me to has to learn how to be happy with him, because his rate of change is like that of a snail. I take that back; snails are visibly faster. But I will adapt, for now.
Posted by Poet on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:25
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 27, 2013, at 23:18:10
Hi Alex,
I pretend to talk to people on my cell phone all the time so people leave me alone. I talk to myself out loud anyway, so this way I don't look as crazy.
December 8th will come quickly and then you can leave your physically and emotionally immature flatmates behind. I couldn't take living with 17-year-olds who think they're all grown up.
I lived alone until I moved in with my husband (then boyfriend) and we always had at least two bedrooms so we had private space. It's pretty ideal now: two story house, he hangs upstairs and I hang downstairs. We have our own private rooms. We share a bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. Perfect for my need for privacy and his need to meditate every day.
The countdown to your peace has begun.
Poet
Posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by Partlycloudy on October 28, 2013, at 7:37:52
Sounds so similar that man issue. Phillipa
Posted by baseball55 on October 28, 2013, at 20:14:33
In reply to Re: extra money » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
I also need quiet time, though, to tell the truth, sometimes I have to much of it and feel lonely.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:29:45
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by Partlycloudy on October 28, 2013, at 7:37:52
> Good, now you have a deadline and a countdown. It does help to see the number of days shrink.
yeah. i need to wait to hear back from them about when, exactly, i can move. i think they are looking into whether it might be possible for me to move sooner so...
conference is about then. so that is something to look forward to indeed. the conference will be a family reunion for me. catching up with all my friends... my family... i will leave this conference full of motivation / inspiration to really knuckle down over the summer. at least... that is how i felt after conference last year. so... things are good, yeah.
and i finally see what i have to do re: supervisor / extension. so that is a huge load off.
i am glad to hear that your situation is going okay... in the sense that you are hanging in there. i find your situation very interesting with respect to negotiating the fine line between another person being too close / too far away. but... i really do feel that there are very significantly important differences between my present situation and yours...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:39:39
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Poet on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:25
> I pretend to talk to people on my cell phone all the time so people leave me alone.
yeah. i hear that a lot of people do this. isn't that awful??? why should one have to??? why do the rowdy masses get to ruin things for everyone else???
> December 8th will come quickly and then you can leave your physically and emotionally immature flatmates behind. I couldn't take living with 17-year-olds who think they're all grown up.yeah. a huge part of the problem is that they are children, yeah. i forget that i am used to emotionally mature 18 year olds (e.g., first year university students). i forget that they are... some of the most mature 18 year olds that there are. most are significantly less mature than that... and the two across the hallway... they really aren't any better than the two 13 year old girls that were driving me nuts earlier. the difference was that i had some kind of limited authority over the 13 year olds because they were just 13. whereas in this case...
the 'party line' seems to be that they are quiet 80% of the time (because they are asleep / at school 80% of the time). so i need to suck up the fact that they are entitled to make noise the rest of the time.
i replied to this via email (so people can read it over the 9 or 12 or 30 f*ck*ng times that they need in order to comprehend)... that they can make noise 100% of the time up the other end of the house, in the other 3 houses, or anywhere else in the world, really. that i like to listen to loud music in my room too but i wear headphones to do so out of consideration for others who may be sleeping. that i manage to not wake them up 100% of the time, not prevent / interrupt their study / work 100% of the time and all i was asking was for this basic consideration to be extended back to me. that students do better when they are well rested and when they have quiet study spaces available to them. whether they choose to utilize them or not is a separate issue. student accommodation should at least be obligated to provide the opportunity.
i... don't think they framed the issue in that way.
anyway... the head lady said she would talk to them... and things were in fact quiet last night (i think because they went next door to socialize which is totally find by me).
i just can't believe that this interpretation didn't occur to them.
it isn't poverty. it is bad management. incomprehension of what the kids need / what is good for the kids. i... don't know what to say. sometimes... the road to hell is paved by good intentions.
of course what they need is for one on one attention to teach them how to study effectively in a quiet space. they seem to think i'm being selfish in studying in my room rather than modeling study in a communal area. they don't get that watching me study would be like their primary kids trying to learn rugby by watching the all blacks...
it doesn't seem to translate...
i don't know what to say.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:41:17
In reply to Re: extra money » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on October 28, 2013, at 10:28:48
> Sounds so similar that man issue. Phillipa
thanks, Phillipa. i do really appreciate pc's support but... the issues don't strike me as terribly similar...
i...
that poem about the wedding etc... i... didn't get it. i don't understand why people who obviously don't have my need for quiet / solitude keep thinking that they get it. i... don't understand...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:43:53
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by baseball55 on October 28, 2013, at 20:14:33
> I also need quiet time, though, to tell the truth, sometimes I have to much of it and feel lonely.
yeah. i get lonely too sometimes. i... but that is when it is time for me to go out and socialize.
i... never feel like company in my own personal space.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 0:21:21
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 28, 2013, at 21:43:53
Alex you sound like me. If I want to socialize I leave the home and venture somewhere else. Hence nursing was good for me. Left work home and no socialization. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
In reply to Re: extra money » alexandra_k, posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 0:21:21
yes phillipa i'm just like you. that is why i got married.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:42:33
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
i do understand that a lot of people get something from the whole mirroring 'me too, just like you' thing.
something that i am coming to terms with is that with respect to my need for intimacy / personal space... i am not 'just like' most people, at all.
i do appreciate that people are trying to empathize with what is going on for me. but i feel a little like... well, perhaps people will understand this: like someone who is in the midst of a catatonic depression with someone else saying they understand exactly because sometimes they feel sad. i don't mean this to undermine other peoples serious and legitimate needs around negotiating boundaries differently or whatever... but i think that this is a very different issue indeed from the personal space issue that is going on for me.
i...
i feel very frustrated indeed because i really feel like most of the time people really don't hear me at all. they are too busy saying 'of course dear, i understand exactly dear' to even really listen to what it is that i have to say. i had another conversation today with the lady who runs the place which consisted in her saying that she didn't understand my problem with noise since it is mostly quiet all day.
i had to say that the situation is basically that they don't understand what is involved in writing a phd and about how it is much more than that.
but basically the issue is 'i just want a quiet place where i can solely focus on my thesis' simply doesn't sink into peoples brains. i don't know how to say it so they understand. i think it is because it springs from a feeling / desire (for solitude) that they don't understand. (sorry people but wanting a half hour or a whole day away from ones spouse isn't quite the same thing).
i can see that i... can't get the feeling behind the wedding thing... i'm not all like 'oh yeah, i totally understand this desire that people have to get married and be the center of attention and find and be with a life partner'. i can see that it is a sentiment that i really just don't get. why do other people think they get me when they so obviously do not?
what the f*ck am i missing?
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 29, 2013, at 11:50:13
In reply to Re: sorry people, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:42:33
Well, to be clear, my spouse works at home. I don't work and am usually housebound. We are together 24/7, which I find really too close for comfort. My need for solitude is more than he has his space (to work) and I need mine.
To be blunt, he gets right up my nose and it's intolerable at times.So not to say you come across as elitist. But. You really do. We all have our own situations we deal with. Why not put down that paintbrush you use on all of us and try to see we all have individual needs that we are trying to have met?
Nuff said.
Posted by Phillipa on October 29, 2013, at 21:20:29
In reply to Re: extra money, posted by alexandra_k on October 29, 2013, at 1:27:14
Alex no you are smarter I should have learned the first time I married that I'm too independent to want to compromise and do what the other wants. Never had one marriage that has worked. My response to other was when inbetween marriages and on my own. I socialized at work returned home read a book, walked the dogs, jogged at the time. I had no one I had to report to but me. And I should have kept it that way. But in a way I feel age is one of my problems as of the generation that a female should be married and it's not true. Keep doing what you are. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 22:08:36
In reply to t and me, posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2013, at 17:11:15
I got offered a place in 2 weeks time!
Now: This feels more manageable.
Once I have the space I need at home I will be in a better position to validate others.
At present... I feel in danger of being engulfed by others needs for sameness / like Max felt when Mary tried to figure out how to 'fix' him.
I just need some time out for me, right now. No hard feelings. I'll be back. I'll be better. 14 sleeps to go! F*ck yeah! Carry on!
Posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2013, at 18:43:38
In reply to Re: 14 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on October 30, 2013, at 22:08:36
Moving on the 11th. Lorazepam... Interesting.
Turn up the headphones... 2 seasons of Dexter. Sim City 4. Bejewelled. BBC Radio 1 Essential Mixes. I'll get there. 6 sleeps to go.I'm moving up the quiet end of campus. By the staff club. Grounds with 'passive recreation only - no ball games' signs. Significantly quieter and prettier than the other end of campus.
Went to a talk on Friday. My old summer scholarship supervisor... It has been a while... Lots of familiar faces from around the department. Hopefully I can keep Friday afternoons free next year and keep my connections to the philosophical community. It will help keep me sane.
6 sleeps to go...
Conference is here early December! People coming from Australia, too.
Only 6 sleeps to go...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 8, 2013, at 2:27:26
In reply to Re: 6 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on November 4, 2013, at 18:43:38
There was a talk on the origins of the universe today. The big bang. The genetic code. The role of philosophy... By some physicist dude. I didn't get to it because (sigh) of troubles with Work and Income. I think... This will be the last of my troubles with them.
I am known to the city people now. I might be imagining things... But I think maybe it was about that. Then the accommodation people again...
I am starting out up high in the tower block. With a tiny little window. But possibly with a view. In a studio with only a microwave with no cook-top. Not entirely self-contained. Probably... So they can see how I go. Keep a bit more of an eye on me. Or maybe I'm being paranoid...
So I missed the talk... But I went for drinks. I am welcome around the department. I will be welcome around the staff club next year. Met some second year mathemetitian / logician / computer scientist... Nobody much cares about what you are formally enrolled in... People can tell the difference.
For the first time in a very long time...
I've come home.
Properly.
I am a little scared of the city. A lot scared of the 700+ bio-medders and 300+ health sci-ers all fighting it out for a place in medicine... Of the money motivation. Of the prestige motivation. Of the do-goody motivation... But a lot less scared of the academic community. My... Home.
The only home I've got.
The benzo's are f*ck*ng amazing. Glad I've got alternative things to live for or I really would be in danger of being lost... Anteriograde amnesia FTW. Going to start stuffing my stuff in big black gargage sacks from tomorrow (since some bastard stole my suitcase in their rush to get the f*ck away from here).
Yay Dexter. Even though hollywood sociopaths annoy me, rather...
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:21:51
In reply to Re: 3 sleeps to go!, posted by alexandra_k on November 8, 2013, at 2:27:26
I have this faint memory that is episodic. Flashes. More of a feeling, really. Being in the back of the car... Driving round the campus... Through the city... I can't have been older than, like, 7. Seeing the tower blocks and this faint feeling... Longing... That maybe I'd grow up one day to be in one of those tower blocks. Faint memory of the general library, too. Thinking medicine even then.
I have a few memories like that. Ones of swans made out of black tires floating on some lake down the south island... This and that about witchy-poo from puffinstuff... Weird things... But I definatly had one of here. And now... I feel like I need to pinch myself to wake myself up.
It is a bit like when I arrived in Aussie to start my PhD. Arriving at the hall... Knowing it was going to be my home for the next 3 years (or so). Realising... The same thing here.
I'm on the 13th floor. Fortunately I'm not superstitious. There are a row of 4 windows all along the end starting from about waist height. The building is sort of oddly shaped... My room is a little like a pie segment. So I have... A panorama of the harbour. Sky tower and everything. Vector arena. The wind really whistles up here. The traffic is a constant vibration / hum. Can't hear horns or anything but it is loud. Maybe from the harbour, too. Can watch cruise ships coming and going.
How did I get from there to here? What did I do / how do I deserve it? I feel... Baffled, again. Brand new flatscreen with concert radio and radio national... Brand new (midget) microwave... Desk that can be used as a standing work station... Moving early December (meant to be to a slightly better option - bigger, with a cook top)... I think there are pros and cons of the different aspects / options...
I just feel I'm dreaming... I feel so lucky. So happy.
I have to finish my thesis. It is the only thing.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:23:48
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:21:51
oh. i have to learn to be more patient.
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 9:23:06
In reply to Re: dreaming..., posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 0:23:48
Congratulations on landing safely. Settle in and enjoy it.
You are where you wanted to be, that is marvelous!
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