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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mmealltalk on December 9, 2012, at 11:26:13
Hi all_
I find myself once again in a terrible spot. I have been seeing a T whom I love for 21 years at 2x or 3x a week, 3 for the last ten years and now she has moved and is going to be available less. We do skype regularly but it is not the same and i really am having a hard time handling not meeting with her. We went from seeing eachother 3x/week to 4x a month and skyping like 4x a month. She just says that life changes and we dont know what the future will hold but i am very dependent on her and I cant handle this. I miss our sessions so much and while i do think she realizes how much i am attached to her, she thinks its therapeutically better this way, or so she says, and i feel so alone and abandoned by her. I just lost my grandmother and she says that i am making a bigger thing about this bc of that, but i dont think so. My T is so significant to me, has been thru so much with me and now i feel like i am losing her and i really dont know how to handle all this. Any suggestions would help!
Mel
Posted by baseball55 on December 9, 2012, at 19:27:28
In reply to Attachment to therapist, posted by mmealltalk on December 9, 2012, at 11:26:13
This may sound crazy, but sometimes you need a therapist (or at least a confidant) to talk about your relationship with your therapist. I became completely attached to this p-doc I saw for therapy and, when I began seeing a social worker for DBT and talking to her about my p-doc (who I continued to see, because I couldn't imagine life without him). She provided an outlet. My conversations with my p-doc about my love and attachment to him became solopsitic. It was like an adolescent talking to her parents, from whom she needed to separate, about her fears of separation. It didn't work and it didn't help. But bringing a third party into the discussion really helped a lot. I have moved most of my therapy to her, from him. I now see him for half-an-hour every three weeks and plan to cut back to every three weeks. I am too dependent on him. It is not healthy. A therapist is not your parent or your friend. The point is to grow enough to let them go. That's the goal of therapy. But you may need some outside help to learn to let her go.
Posted by wjamesfan on December 23, 2012, at 11:21:16
In reply to Attachment to therapist, posted by mmealltalk on December 9, 2012, at 11:26:13
Hi, I'm new here but have followed lots of peoples' stories for many years. I felt moved by your post and had to reply. I just want to say that I think it's wonderful that your therapist of 21 years is still talking to you four times every month! I know it's not at all the same as three times per week...but isn't it amazing that she cares so much for you that she continues to see and skype with you despite the distance? That must show that she really cares and understands attachment. I've seen how awful it is when therapists really abandon their patients and I'm so glad when I see examples like yours...where the relationship changes, but the people involved manage to remain connected. So, I guess, in a lot of ways, your long, stable relationship is really inspiring to me...even if it's hurting a bit right now. Maybe getting a secondary therapist would help to fill the void. But, for now, please do treasure the loyalty and longevity of your therapeutic relationship...I hope you are able to stay connected to her for another 21 years:-)
Posted by mmealltalk on December 25, 2012, at 14:32:19
In reply to Re: Attachment to therapist, posted by wjamesfan on December 23, 2012, at 11:21:16
I really appreciate your post. I didnt think at all like that, only that i want to have more contact and she isnt available. I think reading your post really hit me where it should have. Already i feel more confident, I mean, i still miss her terribly etc, but still you are right that the relationship must be important enough for her to go to these lengths to continue to speak with me. Thank you very much for the reality check!
Mel
PS- I actually came on the site to write about the fact that tom is my bday, which always depresses me and due to holidays etc, I wont be seeing therapist for close to three weeks, and that gets me so upset. You really made me think twice.
Posted by tetrix on January 4, 2013, at 1:22:57
In reply to Attachment to therapist, posted by mmealltalk on December 9, 2012, at 11:26:13
I have to think about this.
I am not sure how is it beneficial for a person to develop a childlike attachement to a therapist.
I really dont understand this. I may be missing something, not everyone can handle this. I know I couldnt.. and why should we?I fail to see the benefits of these attachments..
hang in there
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2013, at 14:33:37
In reply to Re: Attachment to therapist, posted by tetrix on January 4, 2013, at 1:22:57
I don't think it's the childlike attachment that is helpful so much as the ability to naturally outgrow the childlike attachment.
Too many of us had no chance have a childlike attachment with a healthy outcome when we *were* children. We spend our lives either attempting to attach ourselves inappropriately or fighting against any sort of attachment. We bring unnecessary stresses into our lives by unhealthy choices. We end up multiplying any genetic vulnerabilities we have.
It's not something that everybody needs. But for those who do need it, and who manage to find a therapeutic relationship (or other appropriate relationship) where we are able to be safe and go through the process naturally, it can be very helpful.
I guess for those who have no such need, it can be difficult to understand. And for those who do have a need, but have been unable to find a therapist who has the skill and patience to go through the process, it can be downright painful.
Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2013, at 14:40:51
In reply to Attachment to therapist, posted by mmealltalk on December 9, 2012, at 11:26:13
Isn't it astonishing that our therapeutic best interests seem to fit so neatly with their self interests?
It's a lousy situation, and it sounds as if she's doing the best she can. It's more than many therapists would do. I just wish they'd admit that, and not try to dress it up.
I definitely think that it's sometimes helpful to have minor therapy to deal with disruptions in a major relationship, including a therapeutic one. The new therapist won't serve the same function, and can't. The new therapist won't be a foster mother. But maybe the new therapist could help you find some balance.
(I always hated the last episode of "The Bob Newhart Show" where Bob leaves town and his group carries on with the new therapist as if nothing had changed. Therapists are *not* washing machines in a laundromat. You can't just down the row to the next one when yours is out of order.)
Posted by baseball55 on January 15, 2013, at 19:30:46
In reply to Re: Attachment to therapist » tetrix, posted by Dinah on January 13, 2013, at 14:33:37
> I don't think it's the childlike attachment that is helpful so much as the ability to naturally outgrow the childlike attachment.
>
For me, it was both. I had a weak sense of self that I concealed behind this armor I had built up. When it started to come apart, I literally lost my sense of self. My therapist "held" me, as they say. I used my attachment to him to regrow and develop a more balanced self-concept. It took a long time for me, but I came in pretty damaged.I guess you could think about this as my attachment serving his self-interest in money, but the truth is that he could have made twice or more as much per hour by sending me to someone else and just prescribing meds. The insurance company allowed him only 115 for an hour of therapy compared to 85 for a 20-minute med visit.
Plus he had to take on this major responsibility for someone who was falling apart, had become suicidal, was going in and out of hospitals. I have a friend who is a therapist and she said that most therapists would not have taken me on -- I was too intense and too high-risk -- and that, if they did, they couldn't have more than one patient like me in their practice or they'd burn out.
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2013, at 12:12:13
In reply to Re: Attachment to therapist, posted by baseball55 on January 15, 2013, at 19:30:46
I don't think I'd really understood your pdoc in those terms before. It explains a lot of what sometimes seemed surprising in what he's said over the years.
He sounds like a very special person.
Posted by AMB on March 21, 2013, at 12:02:06
In reply to Re: Attachment to therapist, posted by baseball55 on January 15, 2013, at 19:30:46
> > I don't think it's the childlike attachment that is helpful so much as the ability to naturally outgrow the childlike attachment.
> >
> For me, it was both. I had a weak sense of self that I concealed behind this armor I had built up. When it started to come apart, I literally lost my sense of self. My therapist "held" me, as they say. I used my attachment to him to regrow and develop a more balanced self-concept. It took a long time for me, but I came in pretty damaged.
>
> I guess you could think about this as my attachment serving his self-interest in money, but the truth is that he could have made twice or more as much per hour by sending me to someone else and just prescribing meds. The insurance company allowed him only 115 for an hour of therapy compared to 85 for a 20-minute med visit.
>
> Plus he had to take on this major responsibility for someone who was falling apart, had become suicidal, was going in and out of hospitals. I have a friend who is a therapist and she said that most therapists would not have taken me on -- I was too intense and too high-risk -- and that, if they did, they couldn't have more than one patient like me in their practice or they'd burn out.I just read this post and now appreciate even more your advice in my situation. It sounds like our relationships with our pdocs and therapists are similar to some extent. My pdoc made it clear that he doesn't do long term therapy, but he would give me the 40-50 minute appointments if I needed them. As with most pdocs it is less profitable than the 20 minute ones and I tried to respect this. But when I felt needy he would always oblige. I also have a weak sense of self and become overwhelmed easily although I presented as fairly together when I first sought treatment. I unraveld over time and he did help me get through it, even with all the internet distractions. My goal is to ultimately deal with it the way you are with both providers. I see my dbt therapist twice a month and him once a month. But if I can get this out of my system I hope to wean off him a bit too and see him every 2 months if I'm stable...
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