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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 11:24:33
I feel like Sisyphus. Condemned to roll the f*ck*ng stone up the hill for all eternity.
I just got out of my session. We had been meeting at spans of time that were about 4-5 days apart-- like Wednesday and then the next Monday or Friday and then the next Wednesday. We even met twice in one week two weeks ago. But now, it is back to once per week-- 7 days apart. I really can't make it that long.
It is so hard to leave a session. When the end of our time approaches, I feel despair. It is also really hard for me to make it in between sessions. It is really hard to be separate from my therapist. All week I obsess about the session, thinking that if only I can make it until that slot of time, then I will be fine. It gets me through the week. But when I get there, like today, I feel strange and detached. Then, the time flies by, and it is over. Then, despair.
And repeat.
It feels like this is how it will be forever--
like Sisyphus.Sometimes during a session, I feel at one with my therapist. His glace sometimes makes me feel like I become at one with him, like we merge and I feel warm inside and strange. It feels almost like a physical draw towards him. This didn't really happen today, but usually does. Also, when we are apart and I feel alone, especially at night, I sometimes listen to his saved voicemail messages and it makes him feel more present and real. Sometimes in between sessions, I have felt close to him while we are apart, and I get this sensation of the cheek of my face touching against the cheek of his face-- it is a feeling of absolute safety and comfort that makes things feel more OK.
This is all probably strange.
But I feel stuck now, like Sisyphus-- condemned to be in hell forever.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2011, at 12:37:15
In reply to Sisyphus, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 11:24:33
How is work? Do you have anything interesting going on there now?
Do you have a consuming passion, other than your therapist?
Sometimes we need to do a bit of work to divert ourselves from the need to roll the stone. And it's well if the work is enjoyable.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 15:06:51
In reply to Re: Sisyphus, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2011, at 12:37:15
Dinah, I am trying to be more absorbed with other activities in my life.
My therapist doesn't know how bad this hurts. I don't feel like I can make it an entire week. I feel like I need something earlier in the week, like on Monday or Tuesday. 5 days are about the max I can take right now. 7 pushes it over the edge and something feels like it snaps inside.
Did I say something inappropriate in the first post? Are my feelings towards my therapist inappropriate? They are not romantic feelings--most definitely not. They are feelings that I get around the sacred or maybe a long time ago, around my mom. But not romantic, even if it sounds that way.
My graduation is in less than two weeks. This is a huge transition in my life that brings up so many feelings of grief that I can hardly stand it. It makes me feel really sad. My parents are both coming to my graduation, but not any more of my family. It is a 5 hour drive for them. It hurts me that my brother is not coming; it's not that he couldn't get off of work-- he just doesn't want to.Also, it is a day that makes me feel more and more grief about the death of my grandparents, as I want them to be here with me on this day.
I can't move on.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 15:17:24
In reply to doesn't know, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 15:06:51
I feel so enraged and stuck.
I really, for everything within me, don't know what the F*CK is wrong with me.
Nothing. There is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing that I can physically point to and say here: here is my addiction
or here is my past trauma
or here is my specific struggle.I don't have any secrets that I'm hiding.
I am just in hell. It's not depression. It's not anxiety. Everyone tells me it is both of these things just to shut me up-- but I know better.
It is like being haunted by something inarticulable, like being possessed by a demon-- but the demon is me.
There is nothing the F*CK wrong with me.
I want the F*CK out.
out.
I want out of this f*ck*d up life and world.
Dear God help.
I am losing my f*ck*ng mind.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2011, at 20:13:20
In reply to doesn't know, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 28, 2011, at 15:06:51
You didn't say anything wrong. But it does sound dreadfully unpleasant to so often be in such a state.
You aren't willing to consider medication, even when you feel suicidal, and that's your choice to make.
But if you make that choice, you have some responsibility to make other choices to reduce your agitation.
One good choice is to try to distract yourself.
Another good choice is to *tell* your therapist these things. How can he help you if you don't tell him? Therapy isn't all about gazing into each other's eyes. It's also about honesty.
Have you thought about dialectical behavior therapy? It teaches distress tolerance skills that I think could be very helpful to you.
No one can make you feel better. It doesn't work that way. You have to take on the responsibility to do what it takes to live a healthier life and a less agonizing one.
If you just want Babble to be a place where you can come and vent your agony, and possibly have someone respond by saying they hear you, that's certainly your right. If that's what you'd like, let me know, and I won't suggest anything practical.
I know people don't always want to hear practical solutions, but just want to be heard.
Posted by sigismund on April 28, 2011, at 23:25:12
In reply to Re: doesn't know, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2011, at 20:13:20
>It's also about honesty.
Annabelle,you talk often about merging and bondage and stuff like that.
Why don't you take an absolute vow of openness with your T?
Why not make yourself vulnerable to him?
The fact that you have not told him suggests that you would be uncomfortable doing so.
Can't you do it anyway?
(This may, of course, be a bad idea.)
This is the end of the thread.
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