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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 20:30:51
My big decision comes down to a lose-lose situation. Both programs are win-win. It's not about the programs, but is about the therapeutic relationship. I MUST stay; but I feel like I also have to get away. The need to get away stems from the push that I sometimes feel in our relationship. I think I am afraid of staying here and committing to the relationship-- it is easier to leave him before he leaves me. To go to Boston might be to run away. And to remain away from the source of what could be my healing.
Sometimes I think that I could just go to Boston and leave this all behind-- pretend like I am fine and have no problems. Start over. But I don't think that will work for too long. Maybe.
Maybe I am fine. Maybe I am not. I don't know. Maybe I am making it all up. Maybe I am just a fake. But I feel so lost.
I feel so enraged, angry, furious.
Lost, empty, hopeless, sick, nauseated, dizzy, trapped, terrified. I feel so angry. mad. mad. mad. I hate-- I feel like I physically need to tear into something, destroy something.
But then I feel like I have no right to feel any of these things. I feel so enraged and angry.
It's not like another therapist could never help me. Rather, it's that my current sickness comes from an unresolved feeling that only my current therapist can help me solve-- because the unresolution is with him. I have to resolve certain things with him, only him. No other person can help me get over this unresolution, because it is not with another.
I do not need to be with my therapist forever. I do get very sad when I think that one day I will never be able to talk to him again. It is worse than any other relationship, because at least with others, it is possible to check in from time to time, after we leave. The point is that the possibility is there, even if we never do contact the other again-- for ex. a professor or mentor. But here, it is completely over. It makes me feel like I would be crazy. If I could even call like once a month for a little while or send one email two or three times per year, it would make it better, maybe. Maybe not. I wonder if this is a part of therapy that is more harmful than good. And I don't know what to do about it.
I am lost, and I don't know what to do.
Part of this attachment is transference-- so it's fake?
Part of it is because he is really helping me, and because I feel the courage to branch out and do new things that are scary when I know I have his support.My thoughts feel so pressured. Sometimes my speech feels pressured too. But there are such a pressure of thoughts that it is hard to know what to talk about. I recall something, then forget, then recall it again, then forget. Coming and going flux.
I feel sad and lost. I want help.
I keep thinking I should just be able to snap out of it-- think differently and be well. Maybe I still can. Maybe nothing is wrong with me. But maybe I can't. I don't know how.
Posted by annierose on April 3, 2011, at 20:51:15
In reply to Lost, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 20:30:51
>>>Sometimes I think that I could just go to Boston and leave this all behind
I can not read through your posts in their entirely because you seem to be spinning in a circle. The pain is real and intense. But like Dinah, I can't help but wonder if you find comfort living in that hell. What stops you from talking to your therapist? seeing a p-doc? getting help? YOU.
Going to Boston does not equal "leaving all this behind". It equals taking this all with you.
I am sorry you are in so much pain. Most of us on this board struggle with inner turmoil ... including those painful moments with our therapists. But we talk, we cry, we push through to the other side because what hurts us the most, has already happened. It's definitely not a straight line ... it has ups and plenty of downs ... that is normal.
But you got to START somewhere. You love your therapist. That's a good start. Now speak your truth. Get help.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 22:27:29
In reply to Re: Lost, posted by annierose on April 3, 2011, at 20:51:15
How do I speak my truth? I don't know how.
Posted by emilyp on April 4, 2011, at 0:12:00
In reply to Lost, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 20:30:51
I cannot tell you whether to stay or go. But in reading your posts, I get the sense that you see this as a black and white issue. I don't think it is - most things rarely are.
1. I think your therapist is right in that you could go to Boston and find another therapist who could help you. Your current therapist may be great. But there are other really great therapists out there, especially in a place like Boston. While it should be a consideration, I don't think you should make the therapist the only reason to stay.
2. I also agree with the other poster who said that if you were to go to Boston, you would be taking all of your anxieties and other issues with you. You never leave those behind. But that just means that you would need to find someone who could help you. It may not be easy to find that right person, but it is certainly not impossible.
3. If you do stay, you should realize that you may always feel that you are "sacrificing" - that you gave up going to the better program because of therapy. You may feel that your therapist does not understand that sacrifice. (You have said before that you are not always sure that he understands how bad you feel.) You should not stay thinking that he will change (not that he needs to), have more empathy, or treat you as a special patient. If you think in any way that staying will dramatically enhance your relationship and allow you to feel much closer to him, I think you may want to examine those thoughts. I am not saying that you won't get good care - I am sure you will. But I suspect it will be at about the same level of care that you get now. I just would hate to see you forgo going to Boston, and then be disappointed that therapy or your therapist (or both) don't live up to your expectations.
3. I also think that you may be assuming too much about what happens upon termination. Some doctors are willing to have appointments every so often - frequently by phone (as many times termination is due to a patient moving). I obviously don't know your therapist's policy. And as you say, it actually may not be beneficial for you to remain in contact. But I don't think you should rule it out. The only way for you to know is to talk to him.
Posted by pegasus on April 4, 2011, at 11:43:47
In reply to Lost, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 3, 2011, at 20:30:51
Here's what I'm pretty sure about, from your posts, and my own experience:
1. You are not fine. You are not making all of this up. You are not a fake.
2. You have a right to feel whatever you feel.
3. Transference involves real feelings about real relationships. It may be that your relationship with your T triggers feelings from past relationships, which you then unconsciously bring forward and apply also to this relationships. That is transference, and it involves feelings that are as real as real. There is nothing fake about transference, or it's not transference.
4. And . . . your relationship can, separately and in addition to the transference, involve real attachment. What you describe about your fantasies and previous attachments to male figures sounds like you desperately need someone to attach to, who will take care of you in some way. You're casting about for the security that that brings. You create elaborate fantasies where someone would *have* to take care of you. You come to depend desperately on casual relationships. So, in my mind, that means that you are missing something from earlier caregiver attachment relationships, which you are desperately seeking to find in your relationships now. No better place to find it than with a T, IMHO. Nothing wrong with being in that place, either. Many of us have been there.
- P
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