Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 980299

Shown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.

terrible session

Posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56

I had a session yesterday that went from bad to worse, and I can't get myself over it. It started earlier in the week, when I sent my T an email describing an aspect of my interaction with him that made me uneasy. I also mentioned that I was embarrassed about the overly dramatic nature of that gun dream (see previous thread).
A few days later, he wrote back a surprising long email, saying essentially that he was glad I brought up the thing about my interaction with him, and that it was important. He also reflected a bit on our conversation re: the gun dream. It was a comforting email.
But then, in yesterday's session, I couldn't figure out what to do. I was tired, and very hungry, and nervous to begin with. I couldn't figure out how to get into a conversation about what I'd brought up in the email. He tried to help, but his attempts were not helpful to me. We went one direction, then the other, unfruitfully. I tried to laugh about it, but it didn't seem very funny, so that didn't help either.
Toward the end, I was making a connection in my mind between that session, and sessions with an earlier T around SI (which is mostly in the past for me). In those sessions, I remembered really wanting to talk about SI, but there was this impenetrable internal road block about that. I remember it putting me in a very painful tangle in sessions.
I meant to just mention it in passing, but it came out like I dropped a bomb. My old internal roadblocks (which I thought weren't there anymore) got activated, and I felt like I'd broken all kinds of laws. I suddenly had a ton of negative self messages bombarding me.
Not knowing that, my T commented that I'd never mentioned my SI history to him before, and tried to praise me for going there. But it wasn't true. I had briefly mentioned it earlier. So, then I also had the fact of him forgetting, and missing that important piece that I thought he had, on top of the negative self talk, and the failed session.
I kind of imploded. I stopped being able to think and dissociated. I think I just couldn't carry it all. That was all in the last 5 minutes.
Since then, I've struggled to remain functional. I feel like I'm going through the motions, using scraps of myself that are mushed together to form a facsimile of me that isn't really there, but can at least make dinner, go to work, etc.
What the hell? What did I do? How do I get out of here? I didn't realize I was still this broken.
- P

Re: terrible session

Posted by sigismund on March 9, 2011, at 13:23:45

In reply to terrible session, posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56

This reminds me how difficult therapy was sometimes and how many moving parts we have.
If you had not experienced it, you would not think it possible.

Re: terrible session » pegasus

Posted by Daisym on March 9, 2011, at 14:20:30

In reply to terrible session, posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56

You were triggered off in a huge way - sounds like an emotional flashback to me. Those are painful and exhausting and can be very confusing because they don't typically come with pictures of events but are more chaotic feeling states that envelope us and cause major shut downs.
I know this terrible place and I'm sorry you are there. I've come to think of it as a surreal bubble of the past - but the feelings are so strong and current that it feels like all the bad stuff just happened. When we touch into this place, it hurts and old defenses jump to attention. Recovery from the flashback can take days or longer - I think of the psyche having to recover from a bruise that comes from bumping into a sensitive and vulnerable place.
Plus - you essentially broke a rule, both with the SI (even if it is in the past) and in talking about it. The old prohibition is obviously very strong. And this is just a guess, but since it is so strong, when you mentioned this before as part of your history, you likely minimized it or did it embedded in lots of other information.
Maybe try writing it down to clarify - go over the session on paper. Often the further away from it we get, the more muddled it seems. Then take it in next time to help avoid the shut down.
And be easy on yourself. Making dinner and going to work might just be enough.

Re: terrible session » sigismund

Posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 15:20:35

In reply to Re: terrible session, posted by sigismund on March 9, 2011, at 13:23:45

Yes, exactly. More moving parts that one might expect.
Maybe the surprising thing is that this doesn't happen more often.
- P

Re: terrible session » Daisym

Posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 15:28:03

In reply to Re: terrible session » pegasus, posted by Daisym on March 9, 2011, at 14:20:30

You explain it well. Yes . . . an emotional flashback sounds right. I hadn't thought of it that way, although I'm aware of the concept in general. I guess I didn't know it would happen to me. ha ha ha. It was like the present telescoped into past, when all those prohibitions were in full force. My struggle today seems to be a lot about getting back into the present. And, yes, it feels like I've been injured, and need to recover. Bruised psyche is a helpful image.
Poor family. They are confused, and I can't enlighten them. Can barely type this.
thanks
- P

Re: terrible session? » pegasus

Posted by Dinah on March 10, 2011, at 10:18:39

In reply to terrible session, posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56

I wouldn't think of it as broken so much as *open*. Most of our lives we shut off that side of us that reacts with such primitive honesty. But I think for a particular type of therapy to work, we need to hold ourselves open to the most primitive and non-intellectual part of ourselves.
That leads to meltdowns on occasion, but it also leads to so much of the good that can come from this type of therapy.
I know it *feels* terrible. And of course therapist's should be smarter about making blanket statements on what we have and haven't spoken with them about.
But without this type of session, I know I'd never know what I actually really felt about things as opposed to what I think I ought to feel about things. So maybe not a terrible session, although definitely a painful one.

T's email

Posted by pegasus on March 10, 2011, at 13:56:31

In reply to terrible session, posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56

I sent an email to my T, explaining that I had told him about the SI before. Here's what he wrote back:
"It must have hurt quite a lot for me to respond as I did. I am so sorry for that. I did remember that you told me about it, but I remembered after you walked out, and I've been troubled by it since I saw you. Your bringing up that part of your history took me so much by surprise and I blew how I handled it. I failed you in a breathtaking way."
Pretty cool, huh? I'll admit that I let the email sit there for a couple of hours after I first noticed it, because I was afraid of what it might contain. This was perfect, though.
And then, cynic that I am, I wonder how genuine it is. He *knows* that's what I'd need him to write, because we've been over and over how afraid I am of his power to hurt me in ways like this.
But what do I want? It sounds from the heart, and at least it's in his own words, and I didn't have to pull it out of him, or battle any defensiveness first. I think I should just take it at face value.
- P