Posted by pegasus on March 9, 2011, at 12:46:56
I had a session yesterday that went from bad to worse, and I can't get myself over it. It started earlier in the week, when I sent my T an email describing an aspect of my interaction with him that made me uneasy. I also mentioned that I was embarrassed about the overly dramatic nature of that gun dream (see previous thread).
A few days later, he wrote back a surprising long email, saying essentially that he was glad I brought up the thing about my interaction with him, and that it was important. He also reflected a bit on our conversation re: the gun dream. It was a comforting email.
But then, in yesterday's session, I couldn't figure out what to do. I was tired, and very hungry, and nervous to begin with. I couldn't figure out how to get into a conversation about what I'd brought up in the email. He tried to help, but his attempts were not helpful to me. We went one direction, then the other, unfruitfully. I tried to laugh about it, but it didn't seem very funny, so that didn't help either.
Toward the end, I was making a connection in my mind between that session, and sessions with an earlier T around SI (which is mostly in the past for me). In those sessions, I remembered really wanting to talk about SI, but there was this impenetrable internal road block about that. I remember it putting me in a very painful tangle in sessions.
I meant to just mention it in passing, but it came out like I dropped a bomb. My old internal roadblocks (which I thought weren't there anymore) got activated, and I felt like I'd broken all kinds of laws. I suddenly had a ton of negative self messages bombarding me.
Not knowing that, my T commented that I'd never mentioned my SI history to him before, and tried to praise me for going there. But it wasn't true. I had briefly mentioned it earlier. So, then I also had the fact of him forgetting, and missing that important piece that I thought he had, on top of the negative self talk, and the failed session.
I kind of imploded. I stopped being able to think and dissociated. I think I just couldn't carry it all. That was all in the last 5 minutes.
Since then, I've struggled to remain functional. I feel like I'm going through the motions, using scraps of myself that are mushed together to form a facsimile of me that isn't really there, but can at least make dinner, go to work, etc.
What the hell? What did I do? How do I get out of here? I didn't realize I was still this broken.
- P
poster:pegasus
thread:980299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980299.html