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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 15, 2011, at 19:35:35
This is what is tormenting me.
I have a session tomorrow morning. Before a session, I know that I have the power to make it good or bad-- to leave, as at times have been the case, in hope, or all too usually, in despair. I can't afford another case of coming in, wasting 45 minutes, and waiting another week for the cycle to repeat.
There is so much I want to share. Each week, I begin preparing for the session well in advance. But the preparationc consists of me planning out what and how I am going to say what I need to say. And I end up having about 50 ways to do this, so when I get there, I completely go blank.
Or feel paralyzed.It is a situation of being aware of being aware-- and not being able to shake that awareness. Of watching yourself talk, play a role, "perform." But there is no real connection. I feel like I have yet to truly *see my therapist-- I just see my projections of him. And he has yet to see "me"-- he just sees my various performative roles and images. All like clouds over an empty void. I need a real encounter.
But how to prepare? I tell myself to just not think about it. Get in the room and just be. Let go. But then I feel like I am not doing the best I can to be ready for this.
Just like being aware of being aware-- it is a case of reflecting upon reflection upon reflection upon reflection to infinity. Nothing is real anymore.
And the problem is-- that my very act of coming onto this board and typing is a perpetuation of the problem. I am planning. And won't be able to incorporate.
I just *can't afford to f*ck up tomorrow's session. I have worked myself into a situation of chaos. Absolute and utter chaos.
Posted by obsidian on February 15, 2011, at 21:30:40
In reply to How to Prepare for a Session, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 15, 2011, at 19:35:35
I am struck by, and this is NOT a criticism, about how heavily expectations weigh on you, about how the session might proceed, about how much you hope for and the devestation that might come if you fail to get what you need.
There is so much we cannot control. I wonder if you can't just be in the moment there, or are you paralyzed by the anxiety and the anticipation....but I suppose that's what you've identified.
what are you hoping for in a session?
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 15, 2011, at 22:02:30
In reply to Re: How to Prepare for a Session » Annabelle Smith, posted by obsidian on February 15, 2011, at 21:30:40
Thanks, Sid.
Yes, I feel weighed down by from expectations from myself for how things must proceed.
All I know is that I need to release something. This entire evening-- and as I type this now-- I feel a nausea. A literal, palpable nausea. I feel like I am about to explode with things that I need to share with him. I just need to release something huge-- and my greatest fear is that I won't be able to let myself do this.
My session is at 10am. Right now, for me, it is 10pm. I don't even know how I am going to sleep tonight, though I am exhausted. I think I am just going to take a large dose of nyquil and get to bed as soon as I get off work in an hour. But even that doesn't always work for me.
The nausea. The feeling of going to explode. I hardly stand this.
Posted by annierose on February 16, 2011, at 18:37:43
In reply to How to Prepare for a Session, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 15, 2011, at 19:35:35
Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 21:46:46
In reply to Re: How did it go? (nm), posted by annierose on February 16, 2011, at 18:37:43
Annierose, thanks for asking.
My fears were actualized, which actually was just what I had expected.
But when I am sitting on the couch, and the 45 minutes that I have been longing for as salvation finally are mine, I freeze and become unreal. I mean that I *literally feel a change come over me, where although I don't purposefully do it, I am aware, that my voice changes, I speak differently, I act different, etc. As a result, it is very hard to enter into any one experience or feeling deeply in session. I just brush by everything. I did a 10 minute lay-most-things-on-the-table type of thing, but it didn't *feel real.
I left feeling despair. It is really getting harder and harder for me to leave his office. Sometimes I feel like I need to beg him to not go, to not make me go.
[I will share this...pleaes don't judge: I know this is really not the case objectively, but sometimes I feel a deep disappointment, hurt, and abandonment(?) towards him at the end of each session. Sometimes I wonder how he can really care. When he knows how awful I am feeling, the chaos, the suicidal feelings, the despair, why doesn't he do anything to make it stop? I think: how can he just let me walk out the door? Does he take seriously what I am feeling? Does he care? Can he help? ...then I ask myself yes, but what could he possibly do? ...then I realize that the power to live or die is my own choice and is in my own hands, not in his. But leaving each time induces these feelings.]
We talked about some of this during my session-- about my feeling unreal and not knowing how to be in a session and then leaving and feeling like I didn't share something. He said that these thoughts seem to be lumped under a category of "not good enough" and we worked on trying to find ways to distance myself from these thoughts.
I think if I can just relax-- like in my many "normal" everyday conversations with other people-- then my sessions wouldn't be this way.
I usually bring stuff in with me each time, but rarely share it. I want to-- I am not sure exactly why-- but feel afraid or embarrassed. Maybe I will be rejected? I prepare very carefully for each session, putting hours upon hours of energy into it. But then freeze.
Today, I had a green handbag with 6 books in it, 2 journals-- containing in their pockets stuff to share and talk about (I think in a hands-on experiential way would help me a lot)-- but just let it set there. This has happened in other sessions with papers and research/stuff I have found online and elsewhere that I want to talk about with him. But I never share.
Maybe this is why I feel like the session fails; I come in with something very clear I want to talk about. He asks me where I want to start, what is on my mind. I feel scared and embarrassed, say nothing. It goes from there until the clock says time is up. And then repeat.
Maybe I should bring the exact things that I brought with me this time to my session next Wed and *make myself share it. But it is just a question of whether I am forcing something and shutting out a mutual encounter vs. sharing what is on my mind.
Do you have any thoughts?
I do feel despair, but wonder if this is part of the very painful therapeutic process for me, and that maybe it will get better? I don't know.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on February 17, 2011, at 13:27:40
In reply to Thanks for asking » annierose, posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 21:46:46
How about writing down just a few (1-2?) things you would like to talk about, and it wouldn't seem so overwhelming! Just hand him the paper (as scary as it feels). He will not reject you....Just take tiny little baby steps and eventually you can be talking about a lot as you go along.....
Hugs n Love, Sassy
Posted by pegasus on February 17, 2011, at 14:20:13
In reply to Re: Thanks for asking » Annabelle Smith, posted by sassyfrancesca on February 17, 2011, at 13:27:40
I agree with sassyfrancesca. Maybe if you find a way to make therapy seem smaller, it won't feel so overwhelming.
I know that you feel really pressed for time. And that must make it feel that you need to pack as much as possible into every session. And yet, that is clearly not working for you. I've been there in my own therapy too, and it didn't work for me either. In fact, having all that pressure on one session made it really, really hard. I always felt like I'd failed at bringing in what I'd wanted to.
If you can choose just one thing that is the top priority for each session, then the problem of preparing becomes more a question of prioritization. That is not as scary (to me at least) as trying (and potentially failing) to get as many needs met as feel important overall.
That is certainly how I do my therapy now. I think about what one thing I want to be sure to talk about. Then if we manage to talk about that, I feel like it was a good session. And often we then talk about other related things, which turn out to be just as important, even though they didn't come to mind before the session. And if we exhaust my one topic before the end of the session, then I get to talk about inconsequential things, which sometimes ends up building our relationship in a really profound way.
- Peg
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