Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 16, 2011, at 21:46:46
In reply to Re: How did it go? (nm), posted by annierose on February 16, 2011, at 18:37:43
Annierose, thanks for asking.
My fears were actualized, which actually was just what I had expected.
But when I am sitting on the couch, and the 45 minutes that I have been longing for as salvation finally are mine, I freeze and become unreal. I mean that I *literally feel a change come over me, where although I don't purposefully do it, I am aware, that my voice changes, I speak differently, I act different, etc. As a result, it is very hard to enter into any one experience or feeling deeply in session. I just brush by everything. I did a 10 minute lay-most-things-on-the-table type of thing, but it didn't *feel real.
I left feeling despair. It is really getting harder and harder for me to leave his office. Sometimes I feel like I need to beg him to not go, to not make me go.
[I will share this...pleaes don't judge: I know this is really not the case objectively, but sometimes I feel a deep disappointment, hurt, and abandonment(?) towards him at the end of each session. Sometimes I wonder how he can really care. When he knows how awful I am feeling, the chaos, the suicidal feelings, the despair, why doesn't he do anything to make it stop? I think: how can he just let me walk out the door? Does he take seriously what I am feeling? Does he care? Can he help? ...then I ask myself yes, but what could he possibly do? ...then I realize that the power to live or die is my own choice and is in my own hands, not in his. But leaving each time induces these feelings.]
We talked about some of this during my session-- about my feeling unreal and not knowing how to be in a session and then leaving and feeling like I didn't share something. He said that these thoughts seem to be lumped under a category of "not good enough" and we worked on trying to find ways to distance myself from these thoughts.
I think if I can just relax-- like in my many "normal" everyday conversations with other people-- then my sessions wouldn't be this way.
I usually bring stuff in with me each time, but rarely share it. I want to-- I am not sure exactly why-- but feel afraid or embarrassed. Maybe I will be rejected? I prepare very carefully for each session, putting hours upon hours of energy into it. But then freeze.
Today, I had a green handbag with 6 books in it, 2 journals-- containing in their pockets stuff to share and talk about (I think in a hands-on experiential way would help me a lot)-- but just let it set there. This has happened in other sessions with papers and research/stuff I have found online and elsewhere that I want to talk about with him. But I never share.
Maybe this is why I feel like the session fails; I come in with something very clear I want to talk about. He asks me where I want to start, what is on my mind. I feel scared and embarrassed, say nothing. It goes from there until the clock says time is up. And then repeat.
Maybe I should bring the exact things that I brought with me this time to my session next Wed and *make myself share it. But it is just a question of whether I am forcing something and shutting out a mutual encounter vs. sharing what is on my mind.
Do you have any thoughts?
I do feel despair, but wonder if this is part of the very painful therapeutic process for me, and that maybe it will get better? I don't know.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:979368
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979442.html