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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by amh on December 22, 2010, at 13:23:35
I posted over in the newbie section but I probably should have posted here.
Can I move it somehow? Without re-writing the whole thing, it's long.
Thanks.
Posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:02:46
In reply to newbie needs advice, posted by amh on December 22, 2010, at 13:23:35
> I posted over in the newbie section but I probably should have posted here.
>
> Can I move it somehow? Without re-writing the whole thing, it's long.
>
> Thanks.Hi - let me see if I can help.
Welcome to Babble...
PartlyCloudy
Posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
In reply to Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!!, posted by amh on December 22, 2010, at 11:46:36
Reposted from Newbie board:
> About a year ago my husband suffered through quite a few set-backs. He closed a business that he loved and had worked on for 10 years, declared bankruptcy after I discovered that he had hidden $300,000+ of debt from me, lost his Grandfather to cancer, had his father diagnosed with cancer, had his 11 year old daughter diagnosed with depression and put on medication. This ALL happened in a few months time. The year before he went through a contentious custody battle with his ex-wife and lost, even after she was involved in a DUI in which a man died. Suffice to say, it has been a tough couple of years. He seemed depressed around this time, understandably so.
>
> Then in the beginning of April we were sleeping and he jumped up in the middle of the night and went crazy, screaming and yelling obscenities at me. We had not been fighting that night, nor drinking. It was a regular evening at home. He then went and took a shower and got out his suitcase and started to pack. I asked him where was he going and why. Then he got even angrier, hitting me and grabbing my neck to choke me. He called me a loser and said that I would never amount to anything important in my life and that I was a horrible wife and mother. This is a man who previously wouldn't have hurt a fly. In marriage counseling, he says I hit him and yelled at him but he seemed confused like he doesnt really remember that night. He keeps trying to get me to say that I am lying about that night and that it did not really happen. His parents, my two children, his child, my ex-husband along with his girlfriend all saw me with a bruise on my face at my daughters play and during Easter dinner that I cooked at my house a few days after this incident.
>
> From that night on my kind, sensitive, loving Christian husband literally became a different man. He is now extremely negative, irrationally critical and judging of the kids & I, cruel, narcissisticand he blames me for everything. He has no empathy or kindness for me anymore. His personality is 100% different. He is constantly baiting me into fights. He gets very angry for insignificant things, like if I ask him what he wants for dinner. He once mentioned that he wanted to take me on a trip and when I asked where, he was set off in a rage for hours calling me ungrateful and unappreciative and that no wonder my kids do not appreciate or respect him. He now sees nothing positive about me or our marriage which before this all started I would have described as a good, if not great, marriage. We used to be best friends.
>
> He thinks there is nothing different or wrong with his behavior. He has twisted all of this around to make it seem like I am the one that is causing the trouble. I am not sure what he has told his parents but they will not communicate with me anymore. He has been making up stories about me to my family and is telling everyone that I am filing for divorce. One day he says I have a personality disorder and I am a narcissist, the next day he is saying that he thinks I was sexually abused as a child, the next he is saying I have a spiritual problem. As far as I know, none of this is true.
>
> He is suspicious, distrustful, and thinks I am out to get him. When he found out that I tried to speak to his parents voicing my worries about all this, he called me his enemy. He says I have never done anything nice for him and even if I point out the nice things I have done he says I am a liar and that I am crazy and delusional. He says that I have no friends, that nobody likes me because I am stubborn, willful, arrogant, prideful, opinionated, selfish, mean and abusive. I am involved in many activites (book club, volunteer work) and have a lot of people in my life so I don't understand what he is saying. He says he has always felt this way but that now he has awoken to reality and won't accept my horrible behaviors anymore. When I mention how happy we used to be, he says I bullied him into acting that way, that I bullied him into marrying me. That this is his true self, his real self, the old husband was an act. When I ask him why he would even want to be married to a woman who is as horrible as he says I am, he has no answer.
>
> He has become extremely religious over the past year and is now saying that he is going to be famous someday as a spiritual leader. I have never heard him talk like this in the past. He has never been a pastor before and his degree is in English.
>
> There is a tremendous amount of Jekyll/Hyde behavior going on. Throughout all of this, he maintains to others that he does love me and wants to be married to me. But that I am the one with the problems, making all the trouble.
>
> It has been a painful and confusing situation for the children and I but my husband says he has never felt more spiritually alive or happy in his entire life. This has been going on for close to one year now and I am at a loss and way beyond worry to the point of alarm.
>
> My husband says I am a sick woman. Could it be possible that I am making this all up & don't even know it? Does anyone have any ideas what is happening?
>
>
> Ps. There are also some strange sexual issues happening but I am not comfortable writing them here.
>
>
Posted by annierose on December 22, 2010, at 16:57:39
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!! » amh, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
Sounds like he needs a neurological exam.
Posted by Solstice on December 22, 2010, at 17:26:59
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!! » amh, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
> > From that night on my kind, sensitive, loving Christian husband literally became a different man.He really does need to see a neurologist - pronto. Our personality and the behaviors you describe are seated in our brain. People's personalities and habits don't undergo the kind of massive change you described without the potential for brain tumors, seizure disorders, closed head-injury, and other things that affect the brain.
Before anything else can be figured out, you've really got to get him in for an evaluation to rule out all kinds of stuff.
My best wishes are with you as you work through this genuinely difficult issue.
Solstice
Posted by pegasus on December 22, 2010, at 17:42:29
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!! » amh, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
Oh, wow, that sounds impossibly difficult. I imagine that it won't be all that easy to convince him to get a neurological exam. I wonder if you could talk him into a general physical exam? They might catch on to something there, especially if you can go along.
It certainly sounds to me as though the problem is with him and not you. I can understand how you might be doubting your own sanity. And yet, he is the one who is talking about becoming a great spiritual leader, which does sound a lot like a delusion. And you have others who saw the bruise on you, so you can be pretty sure that that first night was him hitting you and not the other way around. I imagine that your kids are able to tell you that they notice a big change in dad as well.
I wonder what his parents and others who know him well say about this? Is there any way you can talk to them? See if they've noticed a change in the past year? Maybe they are in a better position to persuade him to see a doctor?
Is there anyone with whom he seems to have a relationship he values now? Can you talk to that person about helping persuade him to see a neurologist?
If there is no way to convince him, then I guess you're left with only the power to decide what *you* are going to do. Is it reasonable to continue living with him? Are you physically afraid of him, for yourself or the kids? Are you worried about his affect on the kids (I think I might be)?
I wish you lots of luck in this extremely difficult situation. Let us know how things go.
- P
Posted by obsidian on December 22, 2010, at 21:39:06
In reply to newbie needs advice, posted by amh on December 22, 2010, at 13:23:35
"About a year ago my husband suffered through quite a few set-backs. He closed a business that he loved and had worked on for 10 years, declared bankruptcy after I discovered that he had hidden $300,000+ of debt from me, lost his Grandfather to cancer, had his father diagnosed with cancer, had his 11 year old daughter diagnosed with depression and put on medication. This ALL happened in a few months time. The year before he went through a contentious custody battle with his ex-wife and lost, even after she was involved in a DUI in which a man died. Suffice to say, it has been a tough couple of years. He seemed depressed around this time, understandably so.
Then in the beginning of April we were sleeping and he jumped up in the middle of the night and went crazy, screaming and yelling obscenities at me. We had not been fighting that night, nor drinking. It was a regular evening at home. He then went and took a shower and got out his suitcase and started to pack. I asked him where was he going and why. Then he got even angrier, hitting me and grabbing my neck to choke me. He called me a loser and said that I would never amount to anything important in my life and that I was a horrible wife and mother. This is a man who previously wouldn't have hurt a fly. In marriage counseling, he says I hit him and yelled at him but he seemed confused like he doesnt really remember that night. He keeps trying to get me to say that I am lying about that night and that it did not really happen. His parents, my two children, his child, my ex-husband along with his girlfriend all saw me with a bruise on my face at my daughters play and during Easter dinner that I cooked at my house a few days after this incident.
From that night on my kind, sensitive, loving Christian husband literally became a different man. He is now extremely negative, irrationally critical and judging of the kids & I, cruel, narcissisticand he blames me for everything. He has no empathy or kindness for me anymore. His personality is 100% different. He is constantly baiting me into fights. He gets very angry for insignificant things, like if I ask him what he wants for dinner. He once mentioned that he wanted to take me on a trip and when I asked where, he was set off in a rage for hours calling me ungrateful and unappreciative and that no wonder my kids do not appreciate or respect him. He now sees nothing positive about me or our marriage which before this all started I would have described as a good, if not great, marriage. We used to be best friends.
He thinks there is nothing different or wrong with his behavior. He has twisted all of this around to make it seem like I am the one that is causing the trouble. I am not sure what he has told his parents but they will not communicate with me anymore. He has been making up stories about me to my family and is telling everyone that I am filing for divorce. One day he says I have a personality disorder and I am a narcissist, the next day he is saying that he thinks I was sexually abused as a child, the next he is saying I have a spiritual problem. As far as I know, none of this is true.
He is suspicious, distrustful, and thinks I am out to get him. When he found out that I tried to speak to his parents voicing my worries about all this, he called me his enemy. He says I have never done anything nice for him and even if I point out the nice things I have done he says I am a liar and that I am crazy and delusional. He says that I have no friends, that nobody likes me because I am stubborn, willful, arrogant, prideful, opinionated, selfish, mean and abusive. I am involved in many activites (book club, volunteer work) and have a lot of people in my life so I don't understand what he is saying. He says he has always felt this way but that now he has awoken to reality and won't accept my horrible behaviors anymore. When I mention how happy we used to be, he says I bullied him into acting that way, that I bullied him into marrying me. That this is his true self, his real self, the old husband was an act. When I ask him why he would even want to be married to a woman who is as horrible as he says I am, he has no answer.
He has become extremely religious over the past year and is now saying that he is going to be famous someday as a spiritual leader. I have never heard him talk like this in the past. He has never been a pastor before and his degree is in English.
There is a tremendous amount of Jekyll/Hyde behavior going on. Throughout all of this, he maintains to others that he does love me and wants to be married to me. But that I am the one with the problems, making all the trouble.
It has been a painful and confusing situation for the children and I but my husband says he has never felt more spiritually alive or happy in his entire life. This has been going on for close to one year now and I am at a loss and way beyond worry to the point of alarm.
My husband says I am a sick woman. Could it be possible that I am making this all up & don't even know it? Does anyone have any ideas what is happening?
Ps. There are also some strange sexual issues happening but I am not comfortable writing them here."
Posted by obsidian on December 22, 2010, at 21:40:53
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!! » amh, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
Posted by PartlyCloudy on December 23, 2010, at 8:08:51
In reply to oops! sorry, I double reposted amh's message! (nm) » PartlyCloudy, posted by obsidian on December 22, 2010, at 21:40:53
Admin can clean up any double posting if it's confusing, but I think we did just fine.
Thanks, Sid! And take good care,
pc
Posted by amh on December 23, 2010, at 10:47:56
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!! » amh, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 22, 2010, at 15:04:18
Thanks for all your responses. I talked to a psychiatric nurse and she said that I'd have to be a psychopath to make something like this up and that if I were a psychopath I wouldn't be worried about him or be trying to get him help.
He refuses to get healthcare. He is seeing a Christian counselor who has not only seen most of this behavior in his office but also heard ALL my stories, more than I wrote about here. This counselor will not answer any of my questions and refuses to refer us on to a psychiatrist. He seems to me to be validating my husband and things have gotten worse since he started seeing him. In my mind, it is verging on malpractice at this point.
I do not have children with this man. I have 13 year old twins from a previous relationship and although I have been trying to shield them from this, they do know what is going on. My daughter actually broke down last night telling me some instances where he treated her exactly like he has been treating me (calling her a liar over some stupid incident with cheese at the grocery store)
He has moved out. And cut us off financially. Yet all the while telling people he loves me and that I am sick and need help, etc etc.
He has only one friend (who doesn't live in our town) and doesn't believe me when I called him, saying my husband is a "saint" and the finest man he has ever known.
I tried to talk to his mother, especially to find out more about his family history because he had once told me that his Grandma was in and out of hospitals her whole life and even had shock treatments(?) although I don't know why. His mother was extremely defensive, told me they have seen no changes in their son (the golden boy) and basically told me to not contact her again.
I feel like I have done everything I can to help this man. From now on I have to worry about myself and protect my children.
I assume he can't keep up this facade forever, the truth will come out sooner or later and I sure hope it doesn't involve a tragedy :(
Can a person with a neurological condition be so manipulative and put up such a good front to others in his life? He lies about everything now and the truly scary thing is I am certain he believes it all.
Thanks again to everyone for helping a complete stranger.
I'll post again if I have news.
XOXO,
Anna
Posted by roscopeeco on December 31, 2010, at 12:43:28
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!!, posted by amh on December 23, 2010, at 10:47:56
The key here would be to contact his ex wife. He might have a mental condition all this time that you never knew about.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 5, 2011, at 15:13:46
In reply to Re: Help!! Advice wanted!! Worried!!, posted by amh on December 23, 2010, at 10:47:56
Hi, and welcome! So sorry for all of this. He sounds delusional (the religious thing)....obviously there is something neurological wrong....or perhaps Bi-Polar.......I had a terrible experience with my former pastor....went to him because i was abused for 31 years...I would never see another therapist who was connected with religion. I ended up (because of divorce) voted out of membership, with my name up on a big screen, I was naive and thought he would know how t help.
Religious counselors have a bias, and that is okay, if you believe the same as they do. I think every pastor/counselor needs to have a degree in mental health....same as anyone else...they can do terrible damage if they don't know what they are doing....like in my case.......keep posting and take care of yourself .
Hugs, Sassy
P.S. yes, he should be referred to a psychiatrist/psychologist and i agree.....this sounds like malpractice....Yes, it sounds like there are mental health problems in his background. I would say he needs a complete neurological checkup, etc.....if he is delusional, Bi-polar, or whatever....yes you must keep yoursef and your children safe.
What he is doing...calling you "sick" etc......is called projection....he is really calling HIMself that.
This is the end of the thread.
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