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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 55. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
...well, I guess I am about to ask for a hug from anyone who still knows me and feels okay with that. I realize I have not been here for months on end, but in my "defense" I had a good reason. Which I just became stable enough to post to this board about and was preparing to....until today.
I just can't elaborate more right now (too much pain for me yet) but this has to do with abrupt end of long-term therapy earlier this year (2/10), repair of that which took over 10 months and was SO successful (I thought), and then a stunning email once again from ex-therapist today seemingly cutting off all contact.
I am....just exhausted from the journey and trying to understand him.
Exhausted, too, from hiding things over the past 10 months when they were bad ('cause no one I know IRL gets intense T-relationships or misconstrues the love/attachment...) and not having the outlet here. I was afraid to post here. That I would make it worse. That I wouldn't be able to explain. That I might get attacked. That I would frighten those in long-term therapy. And more. So I went away emotionally from Babble.
I hope I have not burned bridges by disappearing. I thought it was best for me and other posters.
Now....I just don't know....but I wouldn't mind hugs....
Posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 22:09:44
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
I didn't mean to say you had/have to "know" me to give hugs. So many people who read/post here are so kind and empathetic - I would certainly take a hug from anyone - know me or not!
Bleck - already feel idiotic for posting any of this.
Posted by Solstice on December 19, 2010, at 22:23:49
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but.... » 10derheart, posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 22:09:44
> I didn't mean to say you had/have to "know" me to give hugs. So many people who read/post here are so kind and empathetic - I would certainly take a hug from anyone - know me or not!
>
> Bleck - already feel idiotic for posting any of this.
There is nothing about you that is the 'bridge-burning' kind, 10der.I am so sorry that you're experiencing so much hurt. It's hard. I don't have any answers or any special wisdom. Just know that you are very much cared for here.
Solstice
Posted by annierose on December 19, 2010, at 22:30:32
In reply to (((((10derheart))))), posted by Solstice on December 19, 2010, at 22:23:49
Sorry to hear that your long distance communication ended abruptly. These relationships are so complicated, aren't they? And I do wish that you felt safe enough to post here when you needed support, although I fully understand your reasons for staying away.
I hope you are able to share more of your feelings in the future.
Going into the holiday season with a hole in your heart is no fun at all. Hopefully your grandchildren will bring smiles and hugs all around.
Love, Annie
Posted by Abby Cunningham on December 19, 2010, at 23:07:01
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
((((HUGS))) 10derheart. I had a relationship with a therapist broken in a very bad way a while back and I empathize with you. Hope you feel better soon.
Abby
Posted by muffled on December 19, 2010, at 23:18:20
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
Posted by mystickangaroo on December 20, 2010, at 0:57:36
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but...., posted by Abby Cunningham on December 19, 2010, at 23:07:01
(((((((10derheart)))))))
Again no words of wisdom here. Just a big owwwww and some virtual chocolate if you like it.
Keep taking care of yourself.
Posted by jane d on December 20, 2010, at 2:01:46
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
I'm sorry. It's just so hard sometimes.
Jane
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:06:11
In reply to (((((10derheart))))), posted by Solstice on December 19, 2010, at 22:23:49
Thank you so much, Solstice. It seems you always make time for people's stuff. You must be a great friend.
I don't think there is any special wisdom, at least not in the human realm. I think even my ex-T (whoa-it hurts to use that description more than I can say)has lost his way, especially just lately. You never expect your rock to get this cracked and wobbly.
Thanks for caring.
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:21:07
In reply to Re: (((((10derheart))))), posted by annierose on December 19, 2010, at 22:30:32
Annie, you are always so warm. You make me feel like you can somehow understand something you couldn't really understand (not knowing the specifics, I mean).
The hell of it is long-distance, long term (over 5 years total) *therapy* was terminated abruptly 10 months ago, yet he was willing to relate in limited ways and we continued contact, eventually having several healing sessions by phone and I visited my old city three months ago, so face-to-face with the goal of "doing over" such an awful termination. All was getting SO MUCH better, then today, he just writes - no more anything is the "right thing to do." No sorry, no why, no nothing. In fact he said "no explanations."
:-(
Sometimes I think he's insane, sometimes I think I am. It hurts horribly to be furious and curse a man you've loved and respected for years (and still do). So confusing.
Yes, my beautiful granddaughter who is nearly four wipes all the grief away, albeit temporarily. She is an angel. But....but....I can't be with her 24/7 and night comes....
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:23:48
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but...., posted by Abby Cunningham on December 19, 2010, at 23:07:01
I'm sorry for that. If I read about it here (and I may have if you posted) I may have forgotten the story or mixed it up with others. Sorry.
It should NEVER happen, but our darn therapists are flawed human beings (gasp) who make mistakes (bigger gasp!) and that just sucks.
Thanks for replying.
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:24:56
In reply to (((((((((((10der)))))))))))) (nm) » 10derheart, posted by muffled on December 19, 2010, at 23:18:20
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:32:05
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but...., posted by mystickangaroo on December 20, 2010, at 0:57:36
I love chocolate, virtual or not. The trouble is sometimes I just want to eat it to cover up emotions.....
I am trying to think of ways to take care of myself. Ruminating alone is NOT a great method. I had a good chat with a very wise and trusted friend tonight and instantly felt relief. So that was a good choice.
You are kind to post to me, msk.
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 2:34:41
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but.... » 10derheart, posted by jane d on December 20, 2010, at 2:01:46
It certainly is, jane.
You sound like you know. Really know.
Therapy, ex-therapy, all of it, is the most worthwhile yet hardest, most excruciating process I can think of in my life. I know it's helped and will still somehow, but ruptures, total breaks, therapists mistakes and missteps....they are almost too much to bear.
Posted by Helana on December 20, 2010, at 10:23:22
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
I am so happy you reached out 10derheart. ((((10derheart))))...hang in there! You are so strong. Just keep believing in yourself and the good! Don't give up. I will be thinking of you this holiday season!
Posted by Dinah on December 20, 2010, at 11:35:24
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
It hurts to lose contact with someone we love. The similarities between unwanted termination and unwanted divorce or being dumped in a long term relationship are striking. It hurts. It really hurts.
For me anyway, it makes it even worse that there is nothing really that can be done. We have power only over ourselves and can't really change their decisions or their feelings and beliefs. Being impotent can make me frantic. I'm not always good at acceptance of the things I cannot change. I'm not sure if you react the same way, but if so, it can add even more intensity to the feelings of loss.
I probably don't need to remind you that he really does care about you, even if he's made this decision. He kept in contact in a way my therapist never would have. That may not help very much right now, as the remaining ties are broken, but maybe in the future it will.
I wish there was something I could really do.
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 12:12:54
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
It's as if he slit a hole in some part of me and emptied out my insides, suddenly. Really suddenly.
I am more stunned by this abrupt change of stance than I even was when he terminated me by email, out of the blue, originally.
But my metaphor falls apart, as someone with no insides couldn't ache this much.
Posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 12:16:23
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but...., posted by Helana on December 20, 2010, at 10:23:22
Helana, thanks so much. I know you're right. I have so much be be thankful for...it's just so hard not to narrow my focus in on this relationship.
He's so important to me and cannot even have the decency to wish me Merry Christmas, but instead says oh, BTW, no more contact from me and I will not explain.
Yeah...and Happy New Year to you, too :-(
My thread is NOT one to read at the holidays. Sorry.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 20, 2010, at 13:00:23
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but.... » Helana, posted by 10derheart on December 20, 2010, at 12:16:23
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you, my friend.
gg
Posted by obsidian on December 20, 2010, at 21:33:31
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
Anytime
((((((10derHeart))))))
Sorry about the pain you are in :(
Posted by PartlyCloudy on December 20, 2010, at 21:39:16
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
unconditionally
Posted by Daisym on December 21, 2010, at 0:41:41
In reply to I try to never do this, but...., posted by 10derheart on December 19, 2010, at 21:52:28
((((Tender))))
I am so sorry for your pain and I truly do understand both the empty feelings as well as the intense loneliness that comes with all of this. When you get divorced or lose a loved one, you usually have some social support or can grieve more openly. This is such private pain - like you said, no one really understands the depth of the connection unless you've been there. I'm glad you reached out here.
I'm struggling myself right now with a very big rupture and I too have not really wanted to write about it. It is complicated but a lot of my hesitation to find support around this has to do with my therapy being really deep (though not trouble free, of course) for so long - and my therapist being so good, that I'm mortified and devasted that this happened. I can't believe that "I've" screwed this up.I didn't mean to make this about me - I am just trying to let you know you aren't alone. And I really like what Dinah said - we can't control anyone but ourselves, as frustrating as that is. And like all relatioships, change happens. And therapists are human, as much as we wish they weren't, and therefore influenced by the world's ill winds. If I had to guess, I'd say he is struggling with his own feelings about the unusual boundaries of this relationship and perhaps the energy it takes to maintain it. We rarely cut things off with someone to hurt them but rather, we usually do it to protect ourselves or when we can't face the hurt we know we are causing. It is a sign of too much caring, not none at all.
Keep writing. I hope it helps
Posted by 10derheart on December 21, 2010, at 1:06:14
In reply to ((((10derheart)))) » 10derheart, posted by gardenergirl on December 20, 2010, at 13:00:23
Thank you so much, gg. It matters a lot to me.
I got an extra therapy session with my "new-ish" (can 9 months with a T still make them *newT*?) T for Wednesday. She is really good. But she is not MY former beloved-T and she so far is at a bit of a loss to help me cope with much of his behavior this past year, which has sometimes been at least strange and unhelpful, and at worst bordering on unethical and harmful. She is determined to see me through this unusual situation and to be there, though. I was so relieved when she offered a cancellation slot. It's like she knew I was about to break down and say a whole week - over Christmas, no less - when this man just suddenly cut off communicating with me (uh...again) - was waaay too long to wait to come in again.
Well, that was TMI. Do I have stuff bottled up, or what?
Posted by 10derheart on December 21, 2010, at 1:07:48
In reply to Re: I try to never do this, but.... » 10derheart, posted by obsidian on December 20, 2010, at 21:33:31
Posted by 10derheart on December 21, 2010, at 1:10:12
In reply to ((((10derHeart)))) » 10derheart, posted by PartlyCloudy on December 20, 2010, at 21:39:16
How concisely perfect.
That made me tear up in a good way for the first time in two days. Bless you for that, PC.
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