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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 2, 2010, at 22:49:22
I am having a hard time again-- back the same stuff.
I had a session again today. I have been waiting so long for this, as I was out of town last week, and when I get there, I feel so detached, non-present and strange. There were some things that I literally needed to talk about, but when I sit there in front of him, it is like the words literally get stuck on my tongue. This feels like hell. Last night I had a very broken, light, and disturbed sleep-- because I knew this was coming up. I already don't know how I can make it/sleep until next week. But I have about 25 pp to write before then for my final exams, etc.
It really is literally making through each single day, sometimes hour. I often feel like we have no hope as humans. I know that when I personally look to the future, it looks so bleak and I wonder why I keep living. I feel like a 3-year old somtimes, and the very idea of leaving where I am now, with secure people around where I know I can always find them, feels like death. And as we get older, things get worse. My parents are going to get old and die, just like my grandparents did. I will probably get into financial trouble, and blow every interview I ever have, because I usually-- 90% of the time-- communicate like a stuttering idiot, which may be what I really am. I feel like I want to kill myself; I actually feel ambivalent. I know that there have been times where life seems so full, and there are things that I want to do. I want to live; but I can't. I want a way out.
There is something unresolved when I leave each session. As time nears an end, I feel a deep sadness, and then something that feels like death comes. It is like I die every week, and then I live for every session. I feel so afraid that something will happen in between our session, so that we will never meet again. Sometimes I feel afraid that I will get killed by someone-- like when I walk back to my place alone at night, I feel so afraid of being shot or killed. Death feels so scary because of this unresolved sense.
This feels like an unnamable demon.
Today, we talked about the possibility of the label borderline personality disorder. My therapist said that it seems like I really want a label, and this one in particualar. Yes, because I want something to help me get my hands on this, get a grip. He said that it seems like more symptoms have emerged since we were talking about this in March. At that time, he told me he didn't think it fit. He didn't say he thought it did today, but I don't know that he would deny it either. I don't know. I just know it feels like hell and chaos. All the time-- when things are fine, when they are bad, and the usual position of when they are swinging back and forth in between.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on December 3, 2010, at 10:52:33
In reply to Hard time again, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 2, 2010, at 22:49:22
((Annabelle): SO sorry you have those feelings. There is a psych. term for what you are describing: "Awfulizing." Meaning everything feels awful to you.
Would it help to write down your thoughts, fears, feelings, emotions and just hand it to your t?
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 3, 2010, at 20:00:20
In reply to Re: Hard time again » Annabelle Smith, posted by sassyfrancesca on December 3, 2010, at 10:52:33
Maybe you could bring your post to pb in and read it to him or give it to him to read. That might open up the conversation.
Being diagnosed with BPD is no picnic. A lot of T's don't want to deal with BPD -- too much angst and, as my T put it, "boundary-less anger" Does a diagnosis really matter? You feel how you feel. Your T reacts to you as an individual. That's what really matters. The DSM-V is getting rid of a lot of personality disorders, since most people don't fall neatly into one category or the other.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 14:20:40
In reply to Re: Hard time again, posted by emmanuel98 on December 3, 2010, at 20:00:20
Thank you for your responses.
Maybe my therapist and I can look at this post together in the next session.
I am having a really hard time with food, body image/weight, and binging now. It is so much worse under stress. Each time, I think that oh, it won't hurt this one time; but each one time becomes many times. And after I do it, I feel terrible. It's not like I am currently binging a lot, quantity-wise. However, it is more in the intention behind the food/eating. I think about it all the time, and feel huge. "Reality"-speaking, I don't think I'm that fat-- probably "normal" (like 135 lbs and 5'4'' ish) But all I can think about is needing to lose weight-- like 25-30 lbs-- and then I would feel so much more in control. Last semester I felt so depressed, I lost my appetite and lost about 10 lbs without trying. Now, the chaos and anxiety/stress are having the opposite effect. I try to restrict sometimes and then lose control and binge, to varying degrees. I struggled with this while I was home over Thanksgiving break. I wanted to tell my therapist so badly about it in the session we had a couple days ago. But I when I tried to talk about some of this, I felt like I was going to cry, and so couldn't speak the words. I just need his help, but I feel like I will lose control and am ashamed and embarrassed about this.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 19:57:11
In reply to Re: Hard time again, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 14:20:40
Sorry to write so much on here, but this weekend is really not good. I don't know how I can last until my next session, which is less than 3 days away. I already feel the hourly countdown in my head-- about 68 hours now. Sometimes I wonder if I should sleep before now and then; but I will probably take doses of Nyquil to do so. It is just so hard to concentrate, and I have a lot of stress/work to do now.
I just wanted to share on here. I am always online researching bpd; I've done this since last March-- usually about 30 min a day, give or take (less on good days and more on bad days). Today is a terrible day, and I was researching while eating dinner alone with my books and laptop at a sandwich shop. Sitting there, I felt a sensation that I feel a lot. Anger-- in general, at being alone, at feeling like a child. When I look around me at all of these couples, I feel so angry that I am alone and single. I have never dated anyone and have never even kissed anyone. I don't know if this is weird or not, but it makes me feel like I am condemned to loneliness the rest of my life. I don't know why this is-- I think I "look" "normal" and all. But I came across a website about someone with bpd who had posted a blog that I could have basically written myself. He told my story back to me. He told about being in high school and being liked well enough in general by everyone and being close to no one; about immersing himself in his work so as to create an identity for himself. About the same thing happening in college, and spending great amounts of time alone. Things don't get better.
I have always thought that I wanted this label "bpd" but now I don't. I think it fits, but I don't want it. It feels like a condemnation to me to be forever a social failure and a failure in life. I look back over the years of my life and see them as largely wasted. I think the same patterns are going to continue into the future, and in many ways feel as though I am not really fully a real human with a valid place of existence to continue. I just feel so scared.
I think that my therapist thinks that I have created symptoms-- I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he intends this to be unconsciously rather than consciously. I worry that he thinks I am being a kind of bpd hypochondriac and do not really have it but just think I do. At worst, I worry that he will just think I am wanting attention. He has never even hinted at that-- but I worry about that.
I have been attracted to the label bpd because I think it fits-- my concern is only for the truth, and I have taken the steps on my own to find that. It is all a mess. I need to just make it until Wednesday, but don't know if I can. I am supposed to doing so much work, but can't focus. I feel like there is no way out. I hate being alone. I think that if I kill myself it will have to be before I leave my university in May. I can't function when I leave everything that is safe here, including my therapist. I need KCN and am looking for it with some success online; but doing that scares me. There are other ways too, I know. I am just confused and want this all to stop. Have I talked myself into all of this? I don't know what is happening.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 5, 2010, at 20:13:44
In reply to Re: Hard time again, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 14:20:40
Losing control and crying and being barely able to speak is part of therapy. Most therapists will sit quietly with you while you try to get enough control to speak. My t tells me to breathe deeply and talks me through breathing until the lump in my throat has passed enough that I can speak. I worried about losing control and crying at the beginning, but have discovered that it's okay. T's don't hate you for this or think you're a loser or get mad. This is what they do. They are accustomed to dealing with clients' sadness and shame and diffuculty speaking. Trust your T to stick with you on this. Developing trust in your T is the name of the game, the whole point of therapy.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 5, 2010, at 20:18:58
In reply to Re: Hard time again, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 19:57:11
Please tell your T how you are feeling. Maybe you need to be in a hospital for a while until you feel stronger. Maybe once exams are over. Or maybe, if you can't make it that long, you can take incompletes or get profs. to waive the finals.
BPD is not a death sentence either, whether or not you meet the criteria. Therapy is very effective for BPD sufferers. Glen Gabbard, who wrote the definitive textbook for dynamic psychotherapy, says BPD is very responsive to therapy and generally gets better as people get older anyway.
This is the end of the thread.
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