Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 2, 2010, at 22:49:22
I am having a hard time again-- back the same stuff.
I had a session again today. I have been waiting so long for this, as I was out of town last week, and when I get there, I feel so detached, non-present and strange. There were some things that I literally needed to talk about, but when I sit there in front of him, it is like the words literally get stuck on my tongue. This feels like hell. Last night I had a very broken, light, and disturbed sleep-- because I knew this was coming up. I already don't know how I can make it/sleep until next week. But I have about 25 pp to write before then for my final exams, etc.
It really is literally making through each single day, sometimes hour. I often feel like we have no hope as humans. I know that when I personally look to the future, it looks so bleak and I wonder why I keep living. I feel like a 3-year old somtimes, and the very idea of leaving where I am now, with secure people around where I know I can always find them, feels like death. And as we get older, things get worse. My parents are going to get old and die, just like my grandparents did. I will probably get into financial trouble, and blow every interview I ever have, because I usually-- 90% of the time-- communicate like a stuttering idiot, which may be what I really am. I feel like I want to kill myself; I actually feel ambivalent. I know that there have been times where life seems so full, and there are things that I want to do. I want to live; but I can't. I want a way out.
There is something unresolved when I leave each session. As time nears an end, I feel a deep sadness, and then something that feels like death comes. It is like I die every week, and then I live for every session. I feel so afraid that something will happen in between our session, so that we will never meet again. Sometimes I feel afraid that I will get killed by someone-- like when I walk back to my place alone at night, I feel so afraid of being shot or killed. Death feels so scary because of this unresolved sense.
This feels like an unnamable demon.
Today, we talked about the possibility of the label borderline personality disorder. My therapist said that it seems like I really want a label, and this one in particualar. Yes, because I want something to help me get my hands on this, get a grip. He said that it seems like more symptoms have emerged since we were talking about this in March. At that time, he told me he didn't think it fit. He didn't say he thought it did today, but I don't know that he would deny it either. I don't know. I just know it feels like hell and chaos. All the time-- when things are fine, when they are bad, and the usual position of when they are swinging back and forth in between.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:972263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/972263.html