Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 19:57:11
In reply to Re: Hard time again, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 5, 2010, at 14:20:40
Sorry to write so much on here, but this weekend is really not good. I don't know how I can last until my next session, which is less than 3 days away. I already feel the hourly countdown in my head-- about 68 hours now. Sometimes I wonder if I should sleep before now and then; but I will probably take doses of Nyquil to do so. It is just so hard to concentrate, and I have a lot of stress/work to do now.
I just wanted to share on here. I am always online researching bpd; I've done this since last March-- usually about 30 min a day, give or take (less on good days and more on bad days). Today is a terrible day, and I was researching while eating dinner alone with my books and laptop at a sandwich shop. Sitting there, I felt a sensation that I feel a lot. Anger-- in general, at being alone, at feeling like a child. When I look around me at all of these couples, I feel so angry that I am alone and single. I have never dated anyone and have never even kissed anyone. I don't know if this is weird or not, but it makes me feel like I am condemned to loneliness the rest of my life. I don't know why this is-- I think I "look" "normal" and all. But I came across a website about someone with bpd who had posted a blog that I could have basically written myself. He told my story back to me. He told about being in high school and being liked well enough in general by everyone and being close to no one; about immersing himself in his work so as to create an identity for himself. About the same thing happening in college, and spending great amounts of time alone. Things don't get better.
I have always thought that I wanted this label "bpd" but now I don't. I think it fits, but I don't want it. It feels like a condemnation to me to be forever a social failure and a failure in life. I look back over the years of my life and see them as largely wasted. I think the same patterns are going to continue into the future, and in many ways feel as though I am not really fully a real human with a valid place of existence to continue. I just feel so scared.
I think that my therapist thinks that I have created symptoms-- I will give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he intends this to be unconsciously rather than consciously. I worry that he thinks I am being a kind of bpd hypochondriac and do not really have it but just think I do. At worst, I worry that he will just think I am wanting attention. He has never even hinted at that-- but I worry about that.
I have been attracted to the label bpd because I think it fits-- my concern is only for the truth, and I have taken the steps on my own to find that. It is all a mess. I need to just make it until Wednesday, but don't know if I can. I am supposed to doing so much work, but can't focus. I feel like there is no way out. I hate being alone. I think that if I kill myself it will have to be before I leave my university in May. I can't function when I leave everything that is safe here, including my therapist. I need KCN and am looking for it with some success online; but doing that scares me. There are other ways too, I know. I am just confused and want this all to stop. Have I talked myself into all of this? I don't know what is happening.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:972263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/972636.html