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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 21:21:41
I haven't posted much about it, because it is still very raw. But my two year old dog, who some of you may remember my getting as a puppy, is dying of kidney failure. They think it was something that she was born with. She took a serious turn for the worse lately, and I learned shortly before my therapy appointment today that she is in acute kidney failure.
I was not only sad, but feeling really guilty. About being angry when she was diagnosed, about not following my instinct and bringing her in earlier this week even though I was in contact with my vet about her, and he didn't say to bring her in and even though my vet swears that it wouldn't change the outcome. For things that my therapist thinks are irrational to feel guilty about, like the Fates. He kept concentrating on helping me correct my illogical thoughts, and I kept getting more upset because that really wasn't the point. Then I managed to express that what I needed right then wasn't a cognitive correction. What I needed was absolution perhaps, or spiritual guidance. And he just happens to have training in both.
He rose to the challenge, and reminded me of many things I may have already known, but had been unable to apply to myself. He helped me figure out how to pray about it in a way that felt comfortable to me. He reminded me that forgiveness is readily available where there is regret and remorse and repair. And he pointed out that providence was also at work in the unusual scheduling of our appointment today, which was after I got the phone call while ordinarily it would have been in the morning.
He quit trying to convince me to not feel guilty (which was his preferred path), and instead helped me put the guilt, however irrational he considered it, at peace. And I've stayed at peace, and have been able to feel sadness and grief unmarred by guilt.
There's still a chance for her to have extra time with us, depending on what happens in the next few days. I'd appreciate any prayers and good wishes that could come her way. She was, and is, so full of joy and life that it's almost impossible to realize that all that life won't be with us very long at all.
Posted by Daisym on May 25, 2010, at 21:32:42
In reply to My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 21:21:41
My prayers and lots of white light are with her and you. I'm so glad you found a path that puts guilt aside, however much sadness grows to fill the space.
It is interesting that you posted this today. Last night in group I was trying to explain the perspective of "evil" - and how while I often grapple with deeply held self-belief about being evil, I do believe that confession and a deep felt regret, coupled with profound attempts at repair, earn forgiveness and peace. Starting with self-to-self. So I'm glad your therapist understood your need for this spiritual discussion and connection and was able to support you.
Take good care.
Daisy
Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 22:05:00
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by Daisym on May 25, 2010, at 21:32:42
Thank you, Daisy.
I was thinking, as I left today, that there was probably a wider applicability to what happened today. Not that there isn't value to challenging our irrational beliefs about ourselves. But sometimes, no matter how much we try to reason with ourselves, and no matter how much we try to be good, there is a part of us that feels shame and guilt about all the things that only we know about ourselves. Maybe the answer isn't to try to talk ourselves out of our beliefs but to go through the steps to forgive ourselves for all the areas where we fall short of who we think we should be, no matter how very human falling short may be. It doesn't hurt to feel forgiven either.
It made me think briefly how powerful a tool interdiction must have been in the middle ages.
But maybe that's just me who feels that way.
Posted by Annierose on May 25, 2010, at 22:29:56
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 22:05:00
I read your post with great sadness. I do remember how happy you were when you got your new puppy and the love that filled your heart.
I will definitely put you and your puppy in my prayers tonight.
It is providence that your appointment was right after receiving the phone call. I'm glad he pointed that out. The universe works in special ways. It's always nice to know that our therapist know the inner "us" and what we need most to get through.
thinking of you ...
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 1:50:15
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by Annierose on May 25, 2010, at 22:29:56
Thanks Annierose. I appreciate it.
She's been such a friend to me.
One of his greatest strengths is his flexibility and openness to different ways of thinking.
Posted by workinprogress on May 26, 2010, at 1:59:21
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 22:05:00
Dinah,
First... you have such an amazingly loving spirit- it came through so much in this post and your original, I wanted to make sure I shared that feeling.
As for the subject, I'll have both you and your pup in my thoughts. I know how much a part of the family they become... and early loss hurts so much more. You're handling it all with so much grace... though I'm not at all surprised.
And yes, acceptance is a big word for me this week. I just got through a seminar where I think acceptance was the most important lesson learned. I was able to accept me "not doing it right" "beating myself up about not doing it right" and on and on. In the end, just noticing and accepting my thoughts and knowing that those were "my thoughts" and accepting them didn't make them become me... well, that was huge. Acceptance seems to take the sting away. Fighting it keeps hard stuff lingering. Acceptance sets it free. It's been an amazing lesson for me and it seems you're executing it at such an important time.
My thoughts are with you. Take extra special care of yourself through this.
(((((((Dinah))))))))
xo
WIP> Thank you, Daisy.
>
> I was thinking, as I left today, that there was probably a wider applicability to what happened today. Not that there isn't value to challenging our irrational beliefs about ourselves. But sometimes, no matter how much we try to reason with ourselves, and no matter how much we try to be good, there is a part of us that feels shame and guilt about all the things that only we know about ourselves. Maybe the answer isn't to try to talk ourselves out of our beliefs but to go through the steps to forgive ourselves for all the areas where we fall short of who we think we should be, no matter how very human falling short may be. It doesn't hurt to feel forgiven either.
>
> It made me think briefly how powerful a tool interdiction must have been in the middle ages.
>
> But maybe that's just me who feels that way.
Posted by softheprairie on May 26, 2010, at 4:56:12
In reply to My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 21:21:41
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 7:35:33
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by workinprogress on May 26, 2010, at 1:59:21
Thank you.
I can't say I always handled this with grace. I've never had much experience with health problems of this magnitude in young dogs. And this is the second in such a very short period of time. I felt overwhelmed at being faced with the fear and uncertainty that comes with an ultimately fatal illness again so soon. And angry at being faced with losing a pal.
I'm not feeling angry right now. I think I'd rather deal with the fear and uncertainty than lose a friend even sooner. She doesn't appear to be sick at all. Sunday she was gamboling at my feet as if nothing was wrong, and yesterday her eyes might have been a shade less bright to a mother's eye, but she still danced after a leaf across the parking lot, and the vet didn't notice any outward signs of illness at all.
While I'm mentioning extraordinary, I should add my husband. He's not really a dog person, but when I told him (at the time when I was facing chronic rather than acute liver failure) that it was going to be different with her now, he said that of course it would. That we would no longer be on equal footing. That to some extent, I'd be her caretaker rather than her friend.
I think it was pretty remarkable of a nondog person to refer to "equals" without hesitating or batting an eyelash.
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 7:36:28
In reply to praying for you (nm) » Dinah, posted by softheprairie on May 26, 2010, at 4:56:12
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 8:18:17
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 7:35:33
That's kidney of course. For some reason my mind mixes kidney and liver on the way to my mouth.
Posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 8:37:14
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by Annierose on May 25, 2010, at 22:29:56
My therapist reminded me of this photo, which I think I've shared here before.
http://i712.photobucket.com/albums/ww125/DinahMarie_Photos/Joy.jpg
She still looks the same, more or less. It's hard to think of her as sick.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2010, at 18:56:51
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Daisym, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2010, at 22:05:00
I'm so sorry about your puppy, Dinah, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please keep us posted. You know I'm still relatively new to the whole doggy mama thing, but I know I would be devastated. She is so beautiful -- I do remember you sharing that picture a while back.
I'm also impressed that a) you were able to "correct" your T mid-stream -- it would have taken me at least a week to figure out how to say that and b) he was able to take your feedback and then give you what you needed. That is so fabulous.
I also love what you have to say in response to Daisy's post:
**Maybe the answer isn't to try to talk ourselves out of our beliefs but to go through the steps to forgive ourselves for all the areas where we fall short of who we think we should be, no matter how very human falling short may be. It doesn't hurt to feel forgiven either.**
I'm going to print that out and put it on the refrigerator.
((((((Dinah))))))
Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 6:42:34
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 26, 2010, at 18:56:51
> I'm so sorry about your puppy, Dinah, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please keep us posted. You know I'm still relatively new to the whole doggy mama thing, but I know I would be devastated. She is so beautiful -- I do remember you sharing that picture a while back.
The house is so quiet without her in it. It is hard to bear. I know she's not my only, but she's the one full of life and fun. My therapist admits I need someone like that in my life. I incorporate some of who I am with them into who I am, and am the better for it. Thinking of losing her is thinking of ripping out one of the better parts of myself.
She made it through the first hurdle of being able to tolerate the treatment. If she responds well to it, she'll be able to go home with subcutaneous fluids, probably frequent trips to the vets, and of course the special diet she hates. When I involuntarily smiled with relief at the news, my vet brought me down from my momentary optimism and reminded me that if she doesn't respond (which doesn't sound unlikely) then there is absolutely nothing we can do for her.
> I'm also impressed that a) you were able to "correct" your T mid-stream -- it would have taken me at least a week to figure out how to say that and b) he was able to take your feedback and then give you what you needed. That is so fabulous.
That's something we've really worked on, and it's the thing I think I'm proudest of in our relationship. I don't think it comes naturally for either of us. :)
> I also love what you have to say in response to Daisy's post:
>
> **Maybe the answer isn't to try to talk ourselves out of our beliefs but to go through the steps to forgive ourselves for all the areas where we fall short of who we think we should be, no matter how very human falling short may be. It doesn't hurt to feel forgiven either.**I'm glad if it helped you. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea, and how it applies to me. I've always largely rejected the idea of man as being evil or sinful, because I think more of it as man being full of the potential for either good or bad. But feeling shame is surely a part of my life.
Did you keep the second dog you thought you might keep? How are they getting along?
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 27, 2010, at 9:30:40
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2010, at 6:42:34
I have adopted two dogs and was thinking about fostering a new one. It turns out my house and neighborhood (hilly with lots of steps) were not the best fit for the potential foster, so they found another foster home.
Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2010, at 6:26:29
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 27, 2010, at 9:30:40
Hilly with lots of steps sounds like such a wonderful place to live.
Sadly, there never seems to be a shortage of dogs who need fostering.
I'm visiting her every day, and try to make her visit as normal as I can. It's not like she's acting as if she's feeling bad, though I know she must be.
I miss her so much. Dogs are like therapists in that they aren't like washing machines. I can't just move down to the next one when this one isn't around. My therapist acknowledges that I've done better since I have had her. I told him that when I have one of those very special dogs, part of who I am becomes part of who I am with her. Losing her will be like yanking out a part of myself. I don't think he understands. Maybe.
I've no talent for joy, I think. I have to borrow it from someone like her.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 28, 2010, at 6:56:49
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2010, at 6:26:29
It makes total sense to me. I see that happening with my own two dogs. I get different things from each of them, but they both make me a better person.
I hope she will get to come home to you soon.
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 28, 2010, at 17:25:56
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes, posted by Dinah on May 26, 2010, at 8:37:14
> My therapist reminded me of this photo, which I think I've shared here before.
>
> http://i712.photobucket.com/albums/ww125/DinahMarie_Photos/Joy.jpg
>
> She still looks the same, more or less. It's hard to think of her as sick.I'm sorry about your puppy. She provided you with the opportunity to do some good work in therapy! Would it be OK with you if I used her photo here?
Bob
Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2010, at 20:29:02
In reply to Re: extraordinary » Dinah, posted by Dr. Bob on May 28, 2010, at 17:25:56
Sure, Dr. Bob.
And thank you.
But I sure wish it had been a different opportunity to do that work.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2010, at 9:16:07
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 28, 2010, at 6:56:49
The vet called yesterday and she's not responding as well as they hoped. In my visit to her yesterday she looked sick for the first time since this started. And stumbled a bit when we went for a walk.
When the vet called, I felt numb and my hands started tingling. I called my therapist and told him briefly what happened, and what was happening with me, and asked him if he got a chance to please call me. Apparently he hasn't yet learned to interpret Dinah-speak and took me too literally, because he didn't call at all. I took a couple of risperdal and went into a forgetting sleep. Sometimes my therapist is not at all extraordinary.
I hurt. It feels like the hurt is burning my breath and making it hurt to exhale. I want her home. But I don't think she's going to come home.
It isn't fair.
Posted by Deneb on May 29, 2010, at 19:11:00
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2010, at 9:16:07
Dinah, sorry about your puppy.
((((((((((Dinah)))))))))))
It really isn't fair.
Sorry your therapist didn't call. Maybe you should just tell him to call you back.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 29, 2010, at 20:25:19
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2010, at 9:16:07
No, it isn't fair. I'm so sorry. I've been thinking a lot about you and your pup and wishing I could do something to *really* help.
I'm also sorry your T didn't call you back. In some of those ways, our Ts are very much alike. I can tell you though that when I was sure I had been clear that calling back wasn't optional or a luxury, my T completely misunderstood. So, though I know it's hard I think you have to force yourself to be very, very clear, as in: I really need to talk to you as soon as possible.
((((((((((((Dinah))))))))))))))))))
Posted by brokenpuppet on May 30, 2010, at 5:29:37
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2010, at 9:16:07
Thank you for posting to help others when you're in a bad place yourself... I hope both you and your pup feel better soon
Posted by Annierose on May 30, 2010, at 8:21:27
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 29, 2010, at 9:16:07
It's a long holiday weekend too. Is it possible that your therapist went away for the weekend? It is hard to bear knowing that someone we love is in pain and we can't make it all better.
So sorry you have to go through this right now.
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2010, at 21:22:23
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by Deneb on May 29, 2010, at 19:11:00
Thanks, Deneb.
I'd have probably asked him more directly to call back if I hadn't felt better after I'd taken some meds and went to sleep. In any case, drugs and sleep probably helped more than he would have.
Depressing thought, but true.
Posted by Dinah on May 30, 2010, at 21:31:11
In reply to Re: My therapist is extraordinary sometimes » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 29, 2010, at 20:25:19
Your therapist often reminds me of mine. :)
I embarrassed my family today by starting to cry in church. I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks, and mucus running down my nose. (Thank heavens for the emergency kleenex I keep in my purse.)
I had been thinking about something I had said earlier. That she was like a comet streaking through my life, full of energy but too quickly gone. All of a sudden, my view of the situation changed. I realized that the only thing worse than losing her from my life would have been to never have had her in my life.
I remembered that my husband hadn't been too crazy about my getting her. But that I'd told him there was a hole in my life that I needed to fill. That I wasn't as happy as I could be.
I remembered that she didn't have an accident or get sick. This was something she was born with. She was destined to live a short life, no matter what.
I thought how lucky I was that she lived that short life providing me with something I needed desperately. I hoped that I had also provided her, in that short life, with what she needed.
I sort of came to from my reveries just as the minister was saying something about God not sending us more truth than we could tolerate. And that made me cry some more. Because if anyone would have told me even yesterday that I was lucky, I'd have snapped their heads off. Yet when I was ready, it was so clear how very lucky and privileged I was.
I hope that's not too mushy.
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