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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on January 27, 2010, at 12:30:09
Recently I had an interesting experience with the non-diagnosed reacting to a mental health diagnosis, and I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.
I was recently told by a third party, after promising to keep everything in strict confidence, that a babysitter I use regularly has a mental health diagnosis. It was suggested that it might be Bipolar II or perhaps Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don't know for sure. Apparently, certain official people have told her that she shouldn't be babysitting. She may also have a criminal record having something to do with illegal drugs. I've been assured that it has nothing to do with kids.
Now, I'm not supposed to know this information, and I've been told that no one will tell me anything more than this. Plus, since I promised to keep it all secret, I can't talk to the babysitter directly, without pissing off the third party, and getting them into trouble.
My experience of the babysitter (over the past 2 years) is that she's wonderful with kids, and always responsible and attentive. Much more so than any other babysitter I've ever used. The kids absolutely love her. I've seen no signs of drug use, or of mental instability, or any red flags at all.
As a person with a diagnosis myself, I tend to be less concerned about mental health diagnoses than the third party. And I figure I might know her better than the officials that are saying she shouldn't be babysitting. My guess is that they're using some kind of protocol (versus real knowledge of her as a person) when recommending that she shouldn't babysit.
But . . . it's my daughter I'm potentially putting at risk. What do you guys think? If the drug charge turns out to be something minor (like possession of a small amount of pot, which doesn't bother me as long as it's not around my kids), would you continue to have her babysit? Or is it irresponsible of me to even consider it?
peg
Posted by obsidian on January 27, 2010, at 12:58:37
In reply to babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis', posted by pegasus on January 27, 2010, at 12:30:09
I'd trust your experience.
the rest sounds like gossip to me...
-sid
Posted by pegasus on January 28, 2010, at 10:33:56
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis' » pegasus, posted by obsidian on January 27, 2010, at 12:58:37
Dang it! I thought I posted a reply, but then I don't see it there.
Anyway, what I said was thanks so much, sid, for your feedback. I'm inclined to go with my gut, as you say.
I should clarify, though, that it's not just gossip. The third party illegally (it's a long story) got access to her official records. Unfortunately, that person doesn't remember or won't pass along any additional details to me. So, she definitely has some drug conviction in her recent history, and she definitely has some kind of a diagnosis.
But then, I've used illegal drugs, and I have a diagnosis. I don't think my daughter needs protection from me. On the other hand, I'm second guessing my gut feeling on this, and seeking a reality check, because my daughter's safety is so important.
thanks again
Peg
Posted by Verloren on January 28, 2010, at 11:29:16
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis' » obsidian, posted by pegasus on January 28, 2010, at 10:33:56
That's a sticky situation Pegasus.
Do you feel comfortable enough to trust her behaviors?
Do you get a nanny-cam to monitor her? Concealed tape-recorder?
Do you question your daughter about her behavior?
If you did finally become too uncomfortable with her being there, who would be her replacement?
And would that replacement have more or less issues for you to worry about. Then would you be able to find out about those issues?
Could you talk to the babysitter's parents about your concerns (generally without specifics)?
I know I ask a lot of questions on this but I'm hoping to give you some food for thought. Maybe you should trust your gut, but these are certainly questions I would ask myself along the way.
You've used illegals and have a diagnosis, but then again it is your daughter. Of course she wouldn't need protection from you, it's sort of built in you to protect her.
Please keep us updated.
-Verloren
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 28, 2010, at 17:10:07
In reply to babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis', posted by pegasus on January 27, 2010, at 12:30:09
> I was recently told by a third party, after promising to keep everything in strict confidence, that a babysitter I use regularly has a mental health diagnosis. It was suggested that it might be Bipolar II or perhaps Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don't know for sure.<<
----flutterby: First I must say-- this triggers me beyond trigger!!! YIPES! but feel I must say something in order to perhaps keep your daughter from any harm. Ok-- now, just because someone has a diagnosis doens't mean squat-- what really matters is their behavior and thinking, when caring for other's children. I don't think it's fair to condemn a person over a diagnosis(akin to "witch hunts" to me)
>Apparently, certain official people have told her that she shouldn't be babysitting.<<
---flutterby:-- THIS^^^ is of concern though. I wonder on what grounds have "official" people said she shouldn't be babysitting..??..
> Now, I'm not supposed to know this information, and I've been told that no one will tell me anything more than this. Plus, since I promised to keep it all secret, I can't talk to the babysitter directly, without pissing off the third party, and getting them into trouble.<<flutterby: I like Verloren's suggestions-- nanny-cam, talking with your daughter, tape recorder... and talk to the other parents...
> My experience of the babysitter (over the past 2 years) is that she's wonderful with kids, and always responsible and attentive. Much more so than any other babysitter I've ever used. The kids absolutely love her.<<--flutterby: Oh boy-- here are my triggers!! :o(
All the parents thought my mom was some special magician with kids. and the kids all acted like they loved her too. but once the parents left and the doors closed.... it was a whole other world.... :o( .... especially in the morning and early afternoon(and mostly with those 2 years and younger).... later she would get the kids all cheered up about an hour or so before their parents came... and tada--- happy kids, ignorant parents..... My mom would choose the most sensitive/introverted child to be the most abused-- since they tend to be more quiet and don't usually fight back...... Maybe you could ask your daughter if she notices any one kid crying a lot, ask her how she thinks the babysitter feels about each kid...> As a person with a diagnosis myself, I tend to be less concerned about mental health diagnoses than the third party. And I figure I might know her better than the officials that are saying she shouldn't be babysitting. My guess is that they're using some kind of protocol (versus real knowledge of her as a person) when recommending that she shouldn't babysit. <<
----flutterby-- I so hope and wish that you are correct and the officials are just being overly cautious. I hope I hope.... for your duaghter's sake.
> would you continue to have her babysit? Or is it irresponsible of me to even consider it?
>
> peg----flutterby: due to my trauma I NEVER had a babysitter for my kids... Never..... but you are not me and you have different experiences and different comfort levels.
phew-- this was very difficult for me to be on this post.... but, i so want to keep your daughter safe. Please-- let her be safe.
You are a great mom to be seeking answers for this-- I wish you the best.flutterby.... gotta go.... breathe.... breathe.... ........
Posted by BayLeaf on January 28, 2010, at 18:48:37
In reply to babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis', posted by pegasus on January 27, 2010, at 12:30:09
if "certain official people have told her that she shouldn't be babysitting", I would not let her babysit....completely regardless of all the other info.
There are a lot of reasons that recommendation could have been made. One that comes to mind is that she has cps involvement of some kind.....or she could have an anger mgmt problem with DV issues....lots to speculate about.
I would take the "officials" recommendation when it comes to the safety of kids. If she has a probation or parole officer, you can call there, ask for her PO. They may tell you the scoop. They often don't care so much about privacy, esp in a situation like this.
Sure wish there was a way to talk to her about it. Maybe it could be sorted out.
bay
Posted by pegasus on January 29, 2010, at 9:24:14
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis' » pegasus, posted by fleeting flutterby on January 28, 2010, at 17:10:07
Oh, wow, flutterby, I'm so sorry to have triggered you so much. I completely understand how this could be alarming to you. And it gives me a whole different perspective on the situation.
If it makes you feel more safe, I'd like to explain some things about my daughter and myself and our relationship. I'm pretty savvy and alert (I like to think) to the possibility of abuse. I used to volunteer at an agency that helped families touched by child abuse, so I've been through lots of training in recognizing the signs. I have done some work myself with clients who have a history of abuse, so I appreciate how serious and ubiquitous and insidious the issue is.
My daughter is 5, and pretty communicative and opinionated. We discuss regularly how some people do things they should not do, and how I hope she will tell me if anyone does anything she doesn't like. She does often tell me about things she sees adults and kids do, and we talk it through. We talk about how sometimes people tell kids not to tell their parents things, but that no matter what anyone says, she should always feel safe to tell me anything she wants to tell me. And I check in on that with her regularly. I ask her whether anyone touches the private parts of her body (and we discuss clearly which parts those are), and reinforce that no one except her parents and her doctor should. And no one should ever hurt her or anyone else. We talk a lot about that, and she brings up often how kids at school push or hit sometimes (I *think* that's her only experience of being hurt). When we need a babysitter, I always ask her who she'd prefer (we have a couple), and she always chooses this one. I have talked to her about what she does with the babysitter. Her story matches the story of her best friend (and neighbor - the sitter often has the two of them at the same time) about what they do. I've come home quite early several times, and they always seem to be having fun. So, I really am pretty confident that nothing bad is happening with this sitter.
But, as you say, sometimes the parent would be the last one to guess. I know how sometimes people choose to be blind to signs of things that they couldn't stand to face.
And, then, anyway, last night the sitter was a no show. For the first time in two years. With everything else, we're definitely looking for new sitters. I am going to try to find her probation officer (if there is one - my guess is yes), and talk to them. I learned last night that the "officials" who said she shouldn't babysit are 1) a school administrator, and 2) some law enforcement-related person that has something to do with her drug charge. So, it's not CPS or DSS or anything related to kids. Whew!
Maybe this will be a learning experience for my whole family. Maybe there will be something we can do to help her, aside from hiring her to sit. She feels like a member of the family in some ways, and it's heartbreaking to think of her being so troubled. But, as you all point out, I need to make sure my daughter is safe, above all else.
Thanks so much for putting so much into your post, flutterby. I appreciate it from my heart.
PEg
Posted by pegasus on January 29, 2010, at 9:31:13
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis' » pegasus, posted by BayLeaf on January 28, 2010, at 18:48:37
I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to weigh in. As you can tell, it's a tough situation for us, and I do want to do right by the sitter, but most of all by my daughter. Your feedback has really enriched my thinking about this, and I will take everything that has been said very seriously.
I'll let you know if I find out more. For now, we're not going to have her babysit anymore. Fortunately, she gave us an easy out, by not showing up last night (it was just for an hour to cover a pilates class, and they were going to go over to the neighbor's house, so there would be additional adult eyes on the situation, since we were questioning whether to use her at all). We can tell her that not showing up is a deal breaker, and then not be in danger of getting the third party in trouble.
Peg
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 29, 2010, at 17:36:03
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis', posted by pegasus on January 29, 2010, at 9:24:14
> Oh, wow, flutterby, I'm so sorry to have triggered you so much.<<
-----flutterby: No need to apologize-- you had no idea-- not your fault. :o)
>>I completely understand how this could be alarming to you. And it gives me a whole different perspective on the situation.<<----flutterby: thank you.
>
> If it makes you feel more safe, I'd like to explain some things about my daughter and myself and our relationship.<<---flutterby: Yes, this would help-thank you.
>> I'm pretty savvy and alert (I like to think) to the possibility of abuse. I used to volunteer at an agency that helped families touched by child abuse, so I've been through lots of training in recognizing the signs. I have done some work myself with clients who have a history of abuse, so I appreciate how serious and ubiquitous and insidious the issue is.<<
-----flutterby: while training can sure be helpful... it's not always fool proof..... it was a social worker that came to our house that missed the "signs".(as a child I thought to myself, "Oh FINALLY, something is going to be done about this nightmare"... but nothing came of it) I'm not saying you have missed or do miss "signs"-- just things can get overlooked, is all.
> My daughter is 5, and pretty communicative and opinionated. We discuss regularly how some people do things they should not do, and how I hope she will tell me if anyone does anything she doesn't like. She does often tell me about things she sees adults and kids do, and we talk it through............ And no one should ever hurt her or anyone else. We talk a lot about that, ........When we need a babysitter, I always ask her who she'd prefer (we have a couple), and she always chooses this one. I have talked to her about what she does with the babysitter. Her story matches the story of her best friend (and neighbor - the sitter often has the two of them at the same time) about what they do. I've come home quite early several times, and they always seem to be having fun. So, I really am pretty confident that nothing bad is happening with this sitter.<<----flutterby: thank you for explaining. (hugs to you) You do have a very good communication station on with her-- good on your part! it does take some of my worry away for your daughter... phew...(I worry for every child ever--*blushing*)
> But, as you say, sometimes the parent would be the last one to guess. I know how sometimes people choose to be blind to signs of things that they couldn't stand to face.<---flutterby: Yes, sometimes it's just too beyond belief to believe......
> I am going to try to find her probation officer (if there is one - my guess is yes), and talk to them. I learned last night that the "officials" who said she shouldn't babysit are 1) a school administrator, and 2) some law enforcement-related person that has something to do with her drug charge. So, it's not CPS or DSS or anything related to kids. Whew!<<--- flutterby-- best to you in this!
> But, as you all point out, I need to make sure my daughter is safe, above all else.<<
---flutterby: YES, child's safety and well being should ALWAYS come first. thanks for realizing that-- you really are a great mom.
>
> Thanks so much for putting so much into your post, flutterby. I appreciate it from my heart.
>
> PEg---flutterby: You are welcome. Please promise you will keep that little one safe. As it's been said-- "the children are our future"-- kindness and compassion towards children creates kind, compassionate adults.(IMO)
Posted by pegasus on February 3, 2010, at 9:50:02
In reply to Re: babsitter with 'mental health diagnosis' » pegasus, posted by fleeting flutterby on January 29, 2010, at 17:36:03
Thanks again, flutterby and everyone else. Your posts really did help me rethink some things. And it reminded me to open those topics for discussion again with my daughter.
Last night we had a super sweet talk, after I reminded her that I'd like to hear about any time that anyone did anything that she didn't like, and I would never be angry if she wanted to tell me anything, no matter what anyone else told her. She told me about a friend at school who had interrupted a game, and about one time that her best friend said some angry words to her. It was a great chance to reconnect, and discuss concerns she had.
When we were feeling really close, I asked her if she could think of anything this babysitter had ever done that she didn't like. I tried to keep it casual. She thought for a minute, then said, "Well, the last time she was here, she didn't suggest any games! She always has games to play, but she didn't have any that time!" She sounded indignant. We talked about the kinds of games the two of them play, and it was all totally innocent stuff. I was so relieved that that was what came to her mind. :)
But as we look for new babysitters, I'm keeping everything you said in mind. I'm checking references, and asking questions, and staying home for the first visit. I'm actually considering some kind of nanny cam. Its scary for sure. I tend to be a trusting person, but when it comes to our kids, I shouldn't just believe in the goodness of humanity. I do know better than that.
Thank you so much again.
Peg
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