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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 22:56:34
I was describing to T some extremely damaging behavior on the part of my mother. T is aware of a couple of diagnoses my mother has. So when describing my mother's behavior I was rather shocked when T said, "we'll never know why your mother has acted that way...let's focus on you in the here and now and what you can do to help yourself". I considered her statement, "we'll never know why your mother..." to be something one might say to someone who may not listen very well. I listen to every word and the truth is I think we can very clearly see and understand why my mother was engaging in the behavior at hand..mental illness. I felt brushed off with a statement such as "we'll never know...about your mother" as if she didn't want to listen to me talk any more about my mother's behavior and was trying to manipulate me into changing the subject. I needed to talk about my mother's unusual ways and as someone with a PhD in clinical psychology I think it is pretty clear it was mental illness I was describing, not something "we'll never know about" concerning my mother. I take what I was saying about my mother very seriously. And I take what the T says literally. Do you think that statement was a kind of way of saying, "Let's move on, I have heard enough about your mother"? I think when a T knows a person's mother has a severe mental illness that was never treated and the client (me) is describing some of the behavior, the T knows darn well why the person (my mother in this case) was acting that way! And I don't like a glib remark as if I am talking too much about a subject she isn't interested in hearing about. Feedback please. Thank you.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 15, 2009, at 0:02:16
In reply to 'we'll never know why your mother,,,', posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 22:56:34
What is your goal for therapy? Is it to undertand your mother or to understand yourself? If it is the latter, then I would agree with your T that the goal is to focus on the here and now. Your mother had problems. Resurrecting those problems is useful only up to the point where they, rather than you, become the object of therapy.
Posted by workinprogress on December 15, 2009, at 0:19:43
In reply to 'we'll never know why your mother,,,', posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 22:56:34
Rnny-
I think this is a tried and true example of an often repeated phrase here at babble. Sounds like something you should talk to you T about. Often these discussions are so helpful to not only clarify what is going on "in the room" but also, if the T is good- helpful practice for conversations outside of the room.
It's likely your T had only good intentions and didn't mean to be hurtful or dismissive, but the fact is that she was. You FEEL hurt and dismissed. She didn't do that on purpose (I'm guessing" and unless you share, she won't know. I don't know exactly what her intentions were or what she meant by what she said... and a great way to find out is to ask.
Regardless, I'm sorry you felt dismissed by your T, that must have hurt quite a bit, especially when discussing something so painful and clearly impactful in your life. I hope that you get some resolution...
xo
WIP> I was describing to T some extremely damaging behavior on the part of my mother. T is aware of a couple of diagnoses my mother has. So when describing my mother's behavior I was rather shocked when T said, "we'll never know why your mother has acted that way...let's focus on you in the here and now and what you can do to help yourself". I considered her statement, "we'll never know why your mother..." to be something one might say to someone who may not listen very well. I listen to every word and the truth is I think we can very clearly see and understand why my mother was engaging in the behavior at hand..mental illness. I felt brushed off with a statement such as "we'll never know...about your mother" as if she didn't want to listen to me talk any more about my mother's behavior and was trying to manipulate me into changing the subject. I needed to talk about my mother's unusual ways and as someone with a PhD in clinical psychology I think it is pretty clear it was mental illness I was describing, not something "we'll never know about" concerning my mother. I take what I was saying about my mother very seriously. And I take what the T says literally. Do you think that statement was a kind of way of saying, "Let's move on, I have heard enough about your mother"? I think when a T knows a person's mother has a severe mental illness that was never treated and the client (me) is describing some of the behavior, the T knows darn well why the person (my mother in this case) was acting that way! And I don't like a glib remark as if I am talking too much about a subject she isn't interested in hearing about. Feedback please. Thank you.
Posted by pegasus on December 15, 2009, at 9:38:20
In reply to 'we'll never know why your mother,,,', posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 22:56:34
I would have felt dismissed by that as well. In fact, I've experienced similar moments in therapy, and I *did* feel dismissed, or reprimanded for being boring, or something along those lines. It sure shut me up, anyway.
That said, there is a school of thought that says that the best therapy focuses on the here and now, versus the client's history. Not that the client's history is irrelevant, but that if you continually draw attention to the relationship in the room, everything you need to work on will come up anyway, and in a way that the T and the client can experience directly, right in that moment. Versus remembering what it was like in the past. So some Ts frequently try to call attention to what you are experiencing now. This is the type of thing that Irvin Yalom talks about a lot in his books. Maybe this was an unskillful way of trying bring up that notion?
And then there is also a related line of thought in therapy (and parenting and probably elsewhere) that says that because we cannot actually make anyone *else* do something, it is more effective to focus on what *we ourselves* can do. This is the type of thing Harriet Lerner talks about in "the Dance of Anger" and other books. It's a bit different than saying it's tiresome to talk about what the other person did. It's more about focusing on what is effective to address the problems that you are experiencing, regardless of the other person.
It also seems like she probably wasn't really meaning to say that she doesn't understand why your mother behaved the way she did. It may just be that she thought it might be more helpful for you if she could redirect you to focus on the present, and how to empower you for the future. However poorly she might have presented that idea.
peg
Posted by rnny on December 16, 2009, at 16:03:07
In reply to Re: 'we'll never know why your mother,,,', posted by pegasus on December 15, 2009, at 9:38:20
Thank you for that helpful answer Peg
Posted by obsidian on December 18, 2009, at 21:57:21
In reply to 'we'll never know why your mother,,,', posted by rnny on December 14, 2009, at 22:56:34
I would think that an understanding of what was going on with your mother might offer you a clear picture of who you were in the situation and what you were struggling with.
It can change things...to think of one's mother as a relatively "normal" individual vs. someone who is "ill" and perhaps has seriously impaired judgment.
I think it's understandable to explore the whys of the situation, and to try and make sense of what may have been terribly chaotic.
I think that would have bothered me quite a bit too.
This is the end of the thread.
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