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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 8, 2009, at 19:46:58
I'm going to at least try to find a new T. I haven't done this in nearly 25 years and I had a referral the last time.
Obviously, I need a T that will accept my insurance. I also think I want a T who does some kind of cognitive behavioral stuff instead of psychodynamic. I'm not planning on another long-term T relationship. I really just don't have it in me.
So suggestions on how to start, what to ask, etc.?
Thanks.
Posted by pegasus on December 9, 2009, at 9:20:30
In reply to Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by TherapyGirl on December 8, 2009, at 19:46:58
I'm so sorry you are having to do this yourself. In my experience, therapists could never give me referrals to anyone covered by my insurance, anyway. It seems that, at least around here, only the Ts who are new or otherwise struggling sign up for insurance programs. I gather that it's usually a bad deal for them. But, maybe you'll have better luck, or maybe things are different in your area.
I did find plenty of Ts, though, who were willing to work on a sliding scale, especially if I didn't have insurance that would pay part of the cost. So, if you decide to venture out of the boundaries of what your insurance covers, that would be the first question to ask.
Aside from that, I used to use a list of recommended questions when interviewing Ts, but honestly, the way I found a good T was always just by seeing how we clicked, and how I felt after the intro session. If you are looking to avoid a long or very attached relationship (which I can totally understand), then CBT seems like a good options. I also found that I got less attached when doing art therapy, because a lot of my energy for that went into the art (if you can call what I did "art") instead of into the relationship.
Good luck with the process. I'm glad that you're looking. I know that when my T left, I had a T for a while, who I eventually left because I was just really mad at her for not being my ex-T. Then later I found a good longer term T, when I was really ready. But I think I needed that intermediate person to listen to me cry, and support me through that acute grieving phase, and to be mad at in proxy.
Peg
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2009, at 9:54:48
In reply to Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by TherapyGirl on December 8, 2009, at 19:46:58
LOL, I like my title line!!!
Cuz it IS a hunt.
I goto run run run today.
But I will come back when I have a moment to try and find some links for you.
I am so happy you are moving ahead on this!
You were stuck for a bit, and thats OK, but now you have broken free and are moving.
I am proud of you and happy for you TG.M
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 9, 2009, at 12:20:47
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by pegasus on December 9, 2009, at 9:20:30
This is very helpful, Peg. Thank you so much for the information and the reminder that it is possible I could find another T that I could work with longer term later if the need arises. After 25 years, it's been very easy to convince myself that no one else could connect with me.
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 9, 2009, at 12:21:11
In reply to The T HUNT!!!, posted by muffled on December 9, 2009, at 9:54:48
Thanks, Muffly. Love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by annierose on December 9, 2009, at 14:30:45
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts? » pegasus, posted by TherapyGirl on December 9, 2009, at 12:20:47
you say that but it sounds that in the end, your t couldn't connect with you well enough to say "good-bye". the problems are not with you, but her. you might surprise yourself and find a more satisfying therapeutic relationship in the future. and i hope you do.
you have worked very hard for this relationship. the therapist should be working hard too!
Posted by Dinah on December 10, 2009, at 8:39:43
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by pegasus on December 9, 2009, at 9:20:30
> Good luck with the process. I'm glad that you're looking. I know that when my T left, I had a T for a while, who I eventually left because I was just really mad at her for not being my ex-T. Then later I found a good longer term T, when I was really ready. But I think I needed that intermediate person to listen to me cry, and support me through that acute grieving phase, and to be mad at in proxy.
If, God forbid, this ever happens to me, I suspect that's how I will feel. I'll need at least one therapist who will never be *my* therapist. Someone who, by every difference, will remind me what I've lost and not what I've gained. Someone who knows me just a few hours not years, and can accustom me to that strange feeling.
I know not everyone feels that way. And of course if my next therapist was one of the rare ones I actually could see myself seeing, I might feel differently. But what you said struck a chord with me.
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 10, 2009, at 18:59:54
In reply to Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by TherapyGirl on December 8, 2009, at 19:46:58
If you want a CBT therapist, I would start with your insurance company's website. Generally they have databases that let you search by specialty.
Find 20 or so, call and ask if they are taking new patients. Talk to the 7 or 8 who call back on the phone. If you like their phone manner, make an appointment with 3 or 4.That's how I found my psychiatrist (also my T) and my DBT therapist.
I wouldn't even bother with a referral from your current T. T's work alone. They don't do referral networks the way primary care docs do. It's likely she has few names and no way of telling if you would hit it off with those few names. Insurance companies are the best way to go.
Posted by pegasus on December 11, 2009, at 9:11:41
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts? » pegasus, posted by Dinah on December 10, 2009, at 8:39:43
I'm glad it makes sense to you, Dinah. In restrospect it makes a lot of sense to me, too. At the time, I was trying to work with her as my next long term therapist. I think anyone that I worked with at that point would have become a temporary T, though. I had to have *somewhere* to dump all that anger that I wasn't allowing myself to dump on my ex-T. Although, I did dump a fair bit of it on him as well. But there was a lot of overflow. ;)
It was a bit unfortunate, the way it worked out. I ended up leaving T2 after she said some things that annoyed me. So, I think she probably feels like she screwed up. But if it hadn't been that, it would have been something else. She was in a no-win situation. I couldn't live with my reaction to being left by T1, so when I moved on a tiny bit, I had to leave her.
If it happened to me again now, I'd go looking for a temporary T on purpose for that, and be up front about it. Although, I suppose if I was more evolved, I'd be able to work through the anger with the T I do the original dumping on. But I agree that right now it feels like two separate phases that need two separate Ts: the acute uncontrollable anger/grief, and the later work-through-able anger/grief.
peg
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 11, 2009, at 18:21:01
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts? » Dinah, posted by pegasus on December 11, 2009, at 9:11:41
It is really helpful for me to read what both of you have written about this, Peg & Dinah.
I ended up going to my session last night, but taking my dog as a barrier. There was lots of anger and silence at first and she still doesn't think she should have had a referral ready for me, but about halfway through (I was sitting on the floor with Bayleigh at that point), she said, "I'm sorry we keep missing each other. And I hate it when you're mad at me." I said, "Not as much as I do." She said, "Forgive me?" And I said, "I keep trying, but you keep pissing me off." She laughed and said, "I know. I don't mean to." So things were slightly better after that.
She is thinking about the referral along the same lines I was -- that DBT is the next place for me to go (and we haven't actually had that conversation before). She explained a little more about why she had ruled out everyone in her practice, so that was a little easier to swallow as well.
She wants me to think about the last two sessions. She suggested that instead of meeting at the office, we go out to dinner or walk our dogs together or something like that. Part of me prefers that -- it seems safer. And part of me is terrified that I will barf up all of these feelings in a public place.
This is really, really hard.
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2009, at 21:56:38
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by TherapyGirl on December 11, 2009, at 18:21:01
WOW!!! Cool session! Thanks for sharing that. I am starting to see why you have stayed w/that T for so long, she sounds nice :)
And what a COOL idea to meet outside the office. It can be kinda transitional for you.
If you are worried about getting upset, can you walk somewhewre where there are not at ton of people? Then if you need to sit and cry some, then you can.
This IS a transitional time for you.
The relationship is changing.
I really like the idea of outside the office sessions to mark that.
I hope you can be clearly told as to what T thinks suitable contact might be? I mean specific. Like 1x/mo? or 1x/wk? What sort of response will she give? Very brief? Will she respond always right away, or may there sometimes be delays cuz she is away and you don't know it? It save ALOT of grief if you can be ultra clear about it.
It is hard. Really hard. But you will be OK.
I have taken a DBT module(mindfulness?) and a part one on anxiety or something(got the boot...). But they seemed very good. Not allus easy to find DBT programs. Usu you can just take a module here and there. Or a T can work thru the book w/you. Its good stuff.
Sorry I haven't had time to look up T sites, but perhaps you can try and source some DBT programs and find a T that way. CBT oriented T's are good. Mine is kinda more psychodynamic.
My oldT was warm'n'fuzzy, my present T is not.
I have had asst T's over the years, all different.
Ya pretty much just goto sort thru and find the best fit for you.
Take care,
M
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 14, 2009, at 9:53:54
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by muffled on December 11, 2009, at 21:56:38
Thanks, Muffly. I'm still thinking about WHERE we would meet. I think you are right -- it can't be where there are hundreds of people around.
At first, I will have contact with her about once every three weeks -- either visits, phone calls or email. She wants to do something with me on my birthday, which is about 3 weeks after she leaves. She will be moving in February.
I really appreciate your support through this -- you are a good friend. There are so many good people here, even with all the uproar.
(((((((((Babblers))))))))))))
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2009, at 12:10:35
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts? » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on December 14, 2009, at 9:53:54
> Thanks, Muffly. I'm still thinking about WHERE we would meet. I think you are right -- it can't be where there are hundreds of people around.
Maybe a park? Is there water around? A lake, ocean, fountain? I like water.
> At first, I will have contact with her about once every three weeks -- either visits, phone calls or email. She wants to do something with me on my birthday, which is about 3 weeks after she leaves. She will be moving in February.*Thats sounds way cool that she will be w/you on B-day :)!!
Can you arrange to do a short email in btwn the three weeks, as long as there are limits on it? Eg, they have to be kinda 'aquaintance' type mails. Like not therapy stuff. But just enuf that T will reapond and say she is fine and things are going OK. Keeping it LOW key, but enuf for you to know she 'exists'. I dunno if thats an issue for you, but it was for me w/my oldT. So I initially did 1x/wk, very short mails, and she usu replied w/in a week or so. So that kinda helped me break the connection more slowly.
I think you said she wasn't moving TOOOOOO far away. So mayhap you could visit from time to time, she would proly like that.
Its gonna be hard :(
But just try and keep in your mind that T is Ok, and she not rejecting you, she moving away, but yopu can still contact her now and again.
And you got a whole new T journey to look forward to.> I really appreciate your support through this -- you are a good friend. There are so many good people here, even with all the uproar.
>
> (((((((((Babblers))))))))))))yup, I agree ((((babblers))))
There's good people out there. Not just on babble.
They out there.
We just got to be brave and find and connect(HAH! I am talking to MYSELF here!!!).
Take care,
M
Posted by workinprogress on December 15, 2009, at 0:30:31
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts? » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on December 14, 2009, at 9:53:54
Hey there TG!
I've been following, but haven't had the time to post and haven't always known what to say. I so feel for you during this time. I pretty much just can't imagine what it must be like for you. ((((((TG)))))))
I do think you all have had some nice moments, despite the pain. I was so happy to hear about the dialog between you- honest dialog- about her wanting to do the right thing and you honestly telling her that she keeps not doing it right. Seems like great practice for figuring out and asking for exactly what you need/want- as much as you can figure out. It sounds like you've figured out something in terms of contact- that's great. Muffled's right, it's important to have things as clear as possible.
And, for as much as she's gotten it wrong, her saying she wanted to do something for your birthday rang as pretty special to me. Of course, you totally deserve special!
FWIW- my T and I have done an annual (on our 1st and 2nd year anniversary) out of the office journey. It's in the summer luckily (and I don't know where you are and what the weather's like) so we're able to go to the park and have a picnic. It felt weird to me that we hadn't ever shared food- such an important thing to a relationship I think. But, much more private than a restaurant. Is there anyplace special you'd like to show her? Is there something you'd like to experience with her?
Also- ask for whatever you want/need and if you feel like she might need a heads up beforehand or that you need to paint her the picture, do so. My guess is that if you don't do that and she doesn't do what you need her to do, it isn't because she doesn't care, but just that she's not in your head. Those last two picnics, I so wanted to hold my T's hand as we walked to our spot. I'm 99% sure she would have let me (she hugs and isn't afraid of physical contact), but that 1% made me afraid to ask. I promised myself next year I would...
She clearly cares about you... and like someone said- you all are just both trying to figure out how to do something neither of you know how to do.
Sending love your way...
WIP
> Thanks, Muffly. I'm still thinking about WHERE we would meet. I think you are right -- it can't be where there are hundreds of people around.
>
> At first, I will have contact with her about once every three weeks -- either visits, phone calls or email. She wants to do something with me on my birthday, which is about 3 weeks after she leaves. She will be moving in February.
>
> I really appreciate your support through this -- you are a good friend. There are so many good people here, even with all the uproar.
>
> (((((((((Babblers))))))))))))
Posted by TherapyGirl on December 15, 2009, at 19:27:14
In reply to Re: Help with Screening New Ts?, posted by workinprogress on December 15, 2009, at 0:30:31
Thanks so much, WIP. I know it's hard for people to know what to say. I appreciate you posting and you are right. I just have to remember all this stuff when things go south again.
For now, I'm depressed but not angry at T. That's an improvement over last week, I guess.
I really appreciate your support.
This is the end of the thread.
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