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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
Let me first start off by saying I don't want to offend anyone nor mean any harm by my question, but after reading all the previous posts I have come to realize that my line of thinking seems to be in the minority (which reflects to me the fault is in myself) I see all these great posts about women and men relating to and loving their female therapists and 'she is so great'...I just don't get it. I don't like women therapists and only see male therapists.
I have previously tried to work with female therapists but for numerous reasons it didn't work out--she talked too much about herself, it was blah blah blah oh I like your purse, cute lipstick, etc. I can definitely acknowledge the connection between my inability to trust women authority figures because of the emotional abandonment I went through growing up without a loving mother, but it makes me feel horrible to admit that I am actively discriminating against women in a professional field (especially because I myself am a medical professional)
Is this something problematic about myself that I should possibly try to change in the future? Or is it normal/ok for a person to have a preference of gender and just stick with whats comfortable for them? I just think maybe because I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a close caring relationship with my mother, that opening up and talking to another woman seems impossible for me to trust. I know therapy is supposed to be pushing me out of my comfort zone but I don't like the thought about trying to start a new therapy relationship with a woman therapist and telling her upfront that I already don't like her because of all these reasons!
Posted by BayLeaf on October 11, 2009, at 7:31:04
In reply to i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
your post hits so close to home, i had to laugh at the last night. i so want to hear the outcome of that meeting, "Hello, I hate you already".
it hits so close to home, that i have no answers for you, just understanding. b
Posted by Dinah on October 11, 2009, at 8:39:33
In reply to i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
It's a personal relationship, so I think it's perfectly ok to choose a therapist based on who you think will be able to help you most. There are enough people who prefer women therapists that it balances out. I think I've come to the realization that while I prefer female doctors, I prefer male therapists. Although with the right person I can see myself with a female therapist and a male doctor (at least in most specialties).
On the other hand, a very strong feeling about women might suggest that someday there might be benefit in seeing a woman therapist. At least if you find that your issues interfere with other areas of your life. For me, I don't really think they do, so I think I'm fine picking the best person I can find for *me*.
(I'm sure however that any experienced therapist has heard these things before. After all, therapy is around for just that reason. The right therapist would be able to understand and tolerate those feelings in order to better help you.)
Posted by antigua3 on October 12, 2009, at 12:25:49
In reply to i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
I've thought about this for a couple days before posting.
Yes, I do think you should try a female T. I told my male psychiatrist right off the bat, even before I knew him, that I didn't work well with male authority figures, I didn't like him already, etc. It helped me to let him know.
But I went to him because I'd been working with a female T for years and hadn't been able to really deal with my male issues w/her. She agreed that I needed a male T to work through issues I had with my father. So my situation is maybe the reverse of yours.
IMO, you may be over generalizing about female Ts. Mine is friendly, but it's certainly not girl chat for 60 minutes. She is the good mother I never had, and she has taught me how to be a good mother, too.
I worry, too, that if you don't get this kind of help, it may affect how you treat your own female patients, and that would be... I don't know what, but it may be a problem. Female patients deserve equal treatment.
I say all this kindly. I can't remember if it's left brain or right brain! but I am more male-oriented in my thinking. That's another reason why I'm so grateful to have my female T. She brings something very special to the therapy, and you may be surprised at what you might discover about yourself if you had a good female T who gave you a chance to explore that part of yourself.
antigua
Posted by blahblahblah on October 12, 2009, at 16:39:04
In reply to Re: i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by antigua3 on October 12, 2009, at 12:25:49
Yeah. i have been thinking bout this post too before i wrote. firstly, just because you have a preference does not mean there is anything wrong with you. i prefer female T's as i have trouble talking to men. it's all subjective.
i have been with my T (female) for bout a year and a half. never have we spoken about lipstick or clothes or anything like that. i can imagine the only time someone would in therapy would be to use it as an ice breaker. and she doesn't talk bout herself either. it sounds like you have been unlucky in the female t's you have experienced. such as with males, they are all dif, and it's really luck of the draw and finding one that is suited to you.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on October 13, 2009, at 11:23:41
In reply to i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
> .... I know therapy is supposed to be pushing me out of my comfort zone but I don't like the thought about trying to start a new therapy relationship with a woman therapist and telling her upfront that I already don't like her because of all these reasons!
>----flutterby:----- venturing out of the comfort zone often results in growth.... I've been told by every therapist I've ever seen -- "if it's not uncomfortable then progress isn't being made". Of course you don't like the idea-- it's out of your comfort zone. I think not much progress is made when one just stays within their comfort zone.
so the question is-- Do you struggle in your outside world(away from therapy) with female relationships? and if so-- do you want to change that? then I'd think having a female therapist would be the first step to getting beyond such a prejudice stance..... just my 2-cents :o)
that ol' saying comes to mind-- "nothing ventured, nothing gained"
flutterby
Posted by jane d on October 14, 2009, at 3:03:09
In reply to i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with me?, posted by elizabeth31 on October 10, 2009, at 23:08:35
Would you refuse to hire a woman or recommend one to someone else on the grounds that you think all women just talk about lipstick? If not then I don't think it's discriminating. You are entitled to someone you are comfortable with as a therapist - whatever your reasons.
I'm also not convinced you should force yourself to see a woman unless you think that dealing with women is your biggest problem. I'm the opposite of you. I wouldn't be happy with a male therapist. Is this an "issue"? Sure. Is it anywhere close to being one of my most important "issues"? Absolutely not. Maybe if I had everything else under control I might decide to work on that with a male therapist. Until then I want to work on uncomfortable things such as life and work with someone whose very presence doesn't make me uncomfortable.
Actually I can't see working on being comfortable with a male therapist either on the assumption that it would generalize to other men. I'm not sure I believe that your relationship with your therapist necessarily reflects any greater reality than your relationship with your therapist. And relating to a therapist is only supposed to be a means to an end. Blasphemy, I know.
Jane,
who would call the paramedics if her female therapist ever started talking about purses and lipstick.
Posted by elizabeth31 on October 14, 2009, at 18:10:48
In reply to Re: i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with, posted by jane d on October 14, 2009, at 3:03:09
Great feedback and it definitely helped me think through different opinions and sort through my thoughts-thanks! I did want to make a quick clarification as in my post it wasn't clear but it was ME the one saying "cute purse, nice lipstick....blah blah blah" and getting off topic in that direction, the woman therapist Im sure was simply being polite and trying to get to know me so Im sure it wasn't her fault--but, what I have noticed is that the female therapists I talk to allow ME to more easily manipulate them and get things off topic (just ask a mother about her children)
My main point wasn't that women therapists weren't qualified because I'm sure they are- it was trying to figure out how to deal with my thoughts when I've noticed this pattern and preference. I think as Jane and others helped put it best into perspective for me when pointing out how limited the reality of this entire therapy relationship is...sure putting yourself into uncomfortable situations allows you to work through these feelings but the application towards real life within these settings is not likely to ever occur nor problematic in my life in anyway. I think most people gravitate towards finding a therapist similar to the parent they grew up loving *most* and while that in itself creates attachment problems worthy of another post, I actually have come to terms with the fact that since I never had a mother figure growing up and have accepted this as the hands of cards I was dealt in life-Im not seeking that out now. I think therapists do tend to become a "parent figure" we long for and want the nurturing environment--I don't really think its the women therapists but more I can't be comfortable with a woman in a motherly position and thats probably a significant limitation to my personal circumstances that would indicate sticking with male therapists who I feel more comfortable around naturally would be the better option for me. Maybe its just me being financially aware but therapy is an additional expense and I would not want to waste my money on a male or female therapist who I didnt connect with and feel comfortable with being myselfbut thats just me!
Posted by antigua3 on October 15, 2009, at 10:45:26
In reply to Re: i don't like women therapists-whats wrong with » jane d, posted by elizabeth31 on October 14, 2009, at 18:10:48
I believe that therapy is what you are willing to put into it. If you happily accept and recognize the limitations that you see working with a female therapist, and you don't see any benefit in pursuing the mother issues, then I agree. Stick with the male therapists because they fit within your safety zone of what you want to work on. I think that's perfectly fine.
I was just suggesting that if you wanted to specifically work on the female issues, you might want to try a female T.
Also, call me a pollyanna, but I do think change happens in therapy--life changes in how we can better view ourselves and the world around us. I accept what happened to me, but I'm not willing to live with the damage it has done. I know I can't "fix" it, but I want to find the best way possible to live so it doesn't haunt me all the time. I'd like to use the word "resolve," but that implies fixing. I think it's a balance of accepting and resolving, really.
Good luck.
antigua
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