![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
I just posted something but thought perhaps this question might sooner get to what I am facing. My wife urged me into counseling saying I would get "comforting and understanding". I have seen a psychologist 4x now and don't find him nurturing or comforting at all. He just listens. Is your therapist nurturing? Does a therapist have to be nurturing to help you? I am new at this and so have nothing to go by. What should one look for in a therapist? Nurturing, comforting? What? I went into it under those pretenses but that is not what I am experiencing. So am a bit confused. ps he isn't abusive, just isn't nurturing or comforting. Doesn't say things to ease the pain. Just listens as I pour my heart out. Sits there while I ramble on.
Posted by CharlieGrll on September 10, 2009, at 6:28:21
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
Hi Rick
My 2 cents worth... Welcome to therapy! Talking and listening is what it is all about... not alot of comfort I'm guessing... I am working with a new T. Seen her twice. Last time I said when are we going to start working??? Which of course got the response what do you mean by working??? this helped me tell her what I was expecting and let her tell me what she was offering. I still do wonder at the value of all this talking... T assures me that as our relationship develops ~ I learn how to trust her and she learns how to read me ~ then the therapy side of things will kick off. Hmmm I'm waiting.
I don't expect an answer but what do you mean by nurturing?
Posted by annierose on September 10, 2009, at 6:52:04
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
Therapy is a different sort of a relationship --- with different boundaries, rules, language. And keep in mind, each therapist is schooled in varying orientations, combined with their own personal style.
Like any relationship, it develops over time. Although my therapist is psychodynamic (which is more blank slate approach as compared with a humanist approach) in her calm exterior (and interior) I can feel her warmth and comfort across the room with her words, her manner and her tone.
I guess your question is a good question to ask your therapist. What does "nurturing" mean to you? Some therapist (certainly not all) will hug a client. Mine would never touch me. Think of a therapist as a person who is there to understand you - - - to uncover all those layers to get to your truth. Think about the reason that brought you to therapy. For me, I was having difficulty in intimate relationships. So in my sessions, we are trying to understand what gets in the way, how my brain works when a,b and c happens.
Some sessions I'm angry - at her, at my life, at the world. Others I'm sad - and have compassion for myself and people in my life. And others I'm full of life. I bring all of myself to therapy and I'm often surprise how the session unfolds.
"Just listens as I pour my heart out" --- to me, that sounds like a wonderful quality to have in a therapist ... that is a comforting gesture ... not judging, accepting you and your story, listening with an open heart. Although it might appear like he is "just" listening, therapist listen differently than you or I. They are listening for understanding the difficulties you are facing --- your personality patterns.
The relationship is rich and rewarding. But it takes time.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on September 10, 2009, at 10:14:24
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
> ... My wife urged me into counseling saying I would get "comforting and understanding". I have seen a psychologist 4x now and don't find him nurturing or comforting at all. He just listens. Is your therapist nurturing? Does a therapist have to be nurturing to help you? I am new at this and so have nothing to go by. What should one look for in a therapist? Nurturing, comforting? What? I went into it under those pretenses but that is not what I am experiencing. So am a bit confused. ps he isn't abusive, just isn't nurturing or comforting. Doesn't say things to ease the pain. Just listens as I pour my heart out. Sits there while I ramble on.<<
---flutterby: You ask good questions, ones that I believe only you can answer. What do you need? What will make you feel more like sharing the "difficult stuff"?
I venture to guess that you are male?.... I bet it's more important to have a T. that is a bit warmer and validating for males, as they rarely get that out with friends, neighbors and family. "Suck it up", "don't complain" are some things they might encounter when trying to share with friends and/or family. So I can see where it might be very helpful to get that from somewhere else--- heck, almost everyone needs a warm shoulder sometime.
I never had any nurturing as a child, and was not allowed to show any feelings except happy, was not comforted after traumas and told to never talk about any of it. To me 'just listening'(I posted a part of an article about it on this forum) does as much damage as someone laughing at me or saying to 'suck it up'.... it's no help at all, for where I'm coming from. I haven't a single friend- IRL-(extreme schizotypal and PTSD complex) so I don't have a warm shoulder to lean on out there... I think the T. I see is being that warm shoulder I've so needed my whole life.
For some they don't need that-- but for others they have none of it anywhere else.
I had a T. like yours-- struggled with him for more than three years -- the T. I have now(she's warm and understanding) has me feeling better in less than two years time.... something I think would have taken 10 years, if ever, with the 'just listening' T. I used to see.(I so never trusted him and his quietness--I always felt so invisible.... just like when I was a child)We are all different, there is no "one size fits all" for therapy. I think what's important for you is to look inside yourself and realize what feels best to you.
wishing you luck,
flutterby
Posted by Nadezda on September 10, 2009, at 15:23:06
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
There's a range of overt, spoken "comfortingness" across therapists, Rickjen, as many here will tell you.
But there are also people who have a comforting presence-- whether they say clearly comforting things or not. Simply, they're comforting by the type of presence and attention they bring. Other people don't have this kind of presence, but seem more analytic, or remote. And different people have a need and preference for different degrees of closeness and distance.
Possibly this therapist is more comforting or can be more comforting than you realize; or perhaps you and he simply don't relate that way. if it's very important to you, talk with him about it, and see his response. It's entirely reasonable to expect a kind of comfort in therapy, and to look for that in the T you choose.
Nadezda
Posted by softheprairie on September 12, 2009, at 4:44:11
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
Nope, mine does not give much in the way of nurturing or comforting, and I really wish he would.
Posted by Garnet71 on September 12, 2009, at 7:00:24
In reply to Is your therapist nurturing?, posted by rickjen on September 9, 2009, at 19:22:18
I wouldn't say my T is "nurturing", but he talks a lot and acknowledges my feelings, and through his talking I can clearly see his empathy and desire to help; he also gives me reassurance about my fears-he said "if you want reassurance, I'll give you reassurance" when I was indirectly asking for reassurance. I also told him I don't want someone to "tell me what I want to hear", that I always wanted to hear the truth, and he doesn't sugar coat anything but that is his style anyway, he told me. Most previous Ts did that type of nurturing, validating me and being agreeable all the time, and I didn't like it. I'd rather have someone confront me and challenge me than nuture me.
Some people need or want nuturing in therapy, others don't. If nurturing would be helpful to you, you could bring this up to your T. I am comfortable with a less-nuturing T-as long as the T showed empathy, was talkative, and provided some kind of feedback on a regular basis. It's annoying to me when Ts say nothing. Even if a T is not warm and fuzzy, one that provides a lot of feedback and interpretations can enable a patient feel cared for. The latter is what I prefer.
Being silent just doesn't seem helpful. But it could be your T is trying to learn your core issues before making interpretations, and will later be more active. Decide if nuturing is what you need - or is it just a T being active and talkative what you need?
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.