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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by floatingbridge on September 7, 2009, at 13:58:45
I'd like some recommendations, please.
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Posted by onceupon on September 7, 2009, at 15:23:16
In reply to Any good books on parenting?, posted by floatingbridge on September 7, 2009, at 13:58:45
Are you looking for anything in particular?
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott is one my favorite general books about the parent-child relationship. I'm sure there are others, but I'm blanking at the moment.
(P.S. I tried the double quote thingy, but didn't come up with a match. Not sure I was doing it right.)
Posted by Daisym on September 8, 2009, at 1:23:06
In reply to Any good books on parenting?, posted by floatingbridge on September 7, 2009, at 13:58:45
I love "Parenting from the Inside Out" and "Touchpoints". These are for young kids. If you are looking for something for teens, let me know.
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2009, at 8:58:56
In reply to Any good books on parenting?, posted by floatingbridge on September 7, 2009, at 13:58:45
I like "How to Talk so Your Child will Listen and Listen so Your Child will Talk" by Adele Faber. Also "Positive Discipline" by Jane Nelson.
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Posted by floatingbridge on September 8, 2009, at 10:43:51
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting?, posted by Daisym on September 8, 2009, at 1:23:06
Hi, and thanks for the responses. Could my initial post have been any more cryptic?!
My son is five. I'm currently experiencing many triggers. I didn't have good parenting models (not so unique around here, I imagine).
I do have parenting from the inside out--very helpful!
Also how to talk so kids will listen...--also excellent.
I haven't seen the book "Between Parent and Child" will look it up.
Someone suggested this book: http://amzn.com/0977704009.
My son is neither traumatized or disturbed--I am! But said person said it might help. Anyone heard of it?
Thanks for all the suggestions,
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Posted by onceupon on September 8, 2009, at 22:20:44
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting? » Daisym, posted by floatingbridge on September 8, 2009, at 10:43:51
Sorry to hear that you're struggling, fb. I haven't heard of the book you posted. Two other possibilities that came to mind (which I haven't yet read, but have been recommended to me) are Becoming the Parent You Want to Be and Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting.
Are there any local parenting groups near you? ECFE? I do wish that I had more outlets to talk about some of the more difficult parts of parenting - perhaps you could say more about your struggles here?
Posted by floatingbridge on September 8, 2009, at 23:47:45
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting?, posted by onceupon on September 8, 2009, at 22:20:44
Hi Onceuponatime,
Thanks for asking about some of the issues I am dealing with.
I was raised by a depressed, narcissistic (not NPD) mother and a raging, illogical, though not alcoholic father. Both my parents loved me, but not in the ways I needed. I do not, I think, abuse my child--he seems happy, outgoing, energetic, curious, smart, confident. My terror is that I sometimes I don't know how to deal with his feelings (feelings I was never allowed to express). I do not feel competent as a mother. Today was a very good day--we have many good days and good times. But I am haunted by my mother and of not being a 'good enough' parent. My husband, my therapist, and others say that I am a good-enough mother. But I cannot believe them. I have too much fear from my own traumas. What seems to come more naturally from other parents, I have to learn by myself. I am a bundle of triggers.
I found this book on Amazon that sounds like what I might be looking for as far as guidance:
thanks for asking and listening,
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Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2009, at 9:29:16
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting? » onceupon, posted by floatingbridge on September 8, 2009, at 23:47:45
I also felt, and still feel, that I lack the easy naturalness of a parent that others seem to experience. I love my son a lot, but I think I'm careful around him. My husband said he could see me mentally scanning all the books I read, then concluding "Ahhhh, page 423. That would be appropriate."
That being said, my most helpful resource was reading about the Montessori method, and talking to my son's preschool teachers. The discipline methods follow natural consequences. So punishment was generally not time outs unless a cooling down period was needed. Consequences flowed naturally from poor choices.
Still, all approaches likely have the end result of giving our kids plenty to talk about in therapy. Being a good enough parent is all we can really expect of ourselves.
Posted by onceupon on September 10, 2009, at 22:57:17
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting? » onceupon, posted by floatingbridge on September 8, 2009, at 23:47:45
Looks like an intriguing book. I added it to my list of "want to reads" - which is way too long, but oh well.
FWIW, knowing that you're mindful of your son's emotional life tells me that you're probably well on your way toward, if not already, acting as a 'good enough' parent.
And oh, how I get not knowing how to deal with feelings and feeling incompetent as a mother. My son is 2 1/2, and some days I honestly get by on fantasizing about living *by myself* in an apartment somewhere, where I don't have to deal with the whiny, screamy, hair-trigger tantrumy behavior one more minute. Or with the accompanying behaviors of my husband which irritate me to no end.
The triggers are so hard too. My parents (my mother especially) dealt with feeling overwhelmed and angry by lashing out at us kids. A chill runs down my spine when I hear myself yelling, or even speaking abruptly with my son because it is so my mother's voice. When we go through bad periods (like you, I totally have the good interspersed with the bad), I live in terror that some day my anger will erupt and I'll just snap and hit him, even though I've sworn up and down that I will *never* hit my child, having experienced the short end of the stick on that one as a kid.
I hate feeling like I'm parenting out of fear. Most days I'm not. I can feel level-headed and patient. And then some days I need to leave the room because I get so terrified by what feels like out of control anger. My therapist tells me that, even though I experience the impulse to lash out, the fact that I keep myself from acting on it over and over again, is what's really important. I try my best to believe her. My husband, his parents, heck, even my parents tell me I'm a "good mom" - whatever that might mean. But, like you, I just don't buy it. For me, that's partially because I think to myself, "If they only knew..." and fill it in with whatever horrifying thought or feeling I've recently had.
It's really freaking hard, isn't it? I wish I had some girlfriends IRL that I trusted enough to talk with about this stuff. For now, though, thanks so much for sharing your own struggles and for giving me the courage to write a little bit about my own. If you ever want to talk further, just let me know. I'll be sending good thoughts your way.
Posted by floatingbridge on September 13, 2009, at 17:43:52
In reply to Any good books on parenting?, posted by floatingbridge on September 7, 2009, at 13:58:45
Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. I know I'm not the only parent on the board, so I appreciate being able to share and be understood and encouraged.
School started up last week--my son is in his second year of kindergarten at a Waldorf School. (He's not old enough to move on to first grade yet.) I've been watching him interact with his friends, peers, adults and children of variuos ages. I have to say, I have been really impressed with him--amazed really. So confident, out-going, and developing, what seems to me, a real (not false) empathy for others and the world. So I realize I haven't 'broken' him somehow. The more I've realized in therapy how enmeshed I am with my mother, I have also realized, wow, that I overly identify with my son. I've been working on giving him 'space' and practicing see him--and maybe, to the best of my abilities, I had been attempting to do this all along. Doesn't this sound optimistic? (Ha!) I'm sure triggers will come and go around and around this issue.
Thank you all for your kindness,
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Posted by floatingbridge on September 13, 2009, at 17:47:43
In reply to Re: Any good books on parenting? » floatingbridge, posted by onceupon on September 10, 2009, at 22:57:17
Hi Onceupon,
Your post meant a great deal to me--thank you so much. If you'd ever care to babble, I'd love to hear from you.
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