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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by workinprogress on July 24, 2009, at 0:59:03
Hey there all. So, I've had "re-entry", back from my two month stint away from home, more importantly T. I saw her twice during that time and we did two videoconferences. I got to the point while I was away that I felt really secure in our relationship, I knew she was there for me no matter what. I knew she would be there when I got back...
But when I got back, it sucked. I felt so small and needy. I felt like I had backtracked a thousand miles. I felt like I would NEVER EVER be able to let her go. AND I WAS SURE SHE WAS PULLING AWAY!!! I asked her if she was, if there was some therapeutic reason she was moving me on... pushing me... She said no, that she wasn't any different, the same as when I left. We finally figured out, after a couple of weeks, that it was me (holding back because for a while it was possible that I'd have to leave again), not her...
But, I did grow while I was away... A LOT. I was on that precipice of growth before I left. Now I'm here. The reality is that I need my T's "training wheels" less. I can figure out a lot on my own now, I don't need her as much. That scares the sh*t out of me. I feel caught in this adolescent place of wanting to grow and learn, but not wanting to leave the comfort and safety of what I have with my T... I don't want it to change. I want to still be able to be "small" with her. I still might need her lap...
In my house, I had to grow up fast (like many here I'm sure)... and there was no going back to anyone's lap... So, finally, we've figured out that the change has been me (holding back for fear of leaving again) and resisting being me and growing, because I'm afraid to lose her "lap". Has anyone had that experience, struggled with growth, not wanting to "grow up". What happened? How did you move through it? How has your relationship grown and changed with your T as you've passed through developmental milestones? Have you been able to go back to being "small"? even after "growing up"?
Does this make sense to anyone? I'm really afraid to lose what we have...
WIP
Posted by Dinah on July 25, 2009, at 8:41:13
In reply to Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'?, posted by workinprogress on July 24, 2009, at 0:59:03
I totally understand the fear.
So much so that I'm too scared to think about the topic.
I will say that sometimes it seems that will I or nill I, I'm growing against my will. I hate that. It scares me, and if I could stop it I would.
But when my life is unstable or something awful happens, he's the first person I think to call, even if I know he won't call back promptly (or at all if I don't specifically ask him to). Then my images flicker to crawling up on his lap and curling up like a tiny kitten. And I tend to cling and start at his slightest move.
Posted by rskontos on July 26, 2009, at 13:43:48
In reply to Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'?, posted by workinprogress on July 24, 2009, at 0:59:03
WIP,
I understand too. I have told my therapist/p-doc that I don't want to grow up and I especially resent having to parent myself too.
I don't still think of myself as growing up but I do feel stronger at times, fleeting but still there, and in those times I would say if asked I was growing up.
But I have found, at least, for me, that it isn't linear as Antigua says sometimes, that progress isn't linear. I take two maybe three steps forward in growing up and then sometimes 4-5 back to the point I think a hospital is what I need that i am just too FU to get well.
It sounds like your further in your progress than is safe to admit. I think it is ok to want to know you can depend on T to be a safe haven. I guess eventually the point is to believe in ourselves as the safe haven. That's a tough one.
rsk
Posted by workinprogress on July 26, 2009, at 14:26:42
In reply to Re: Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'? » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on July 25, 2009, at 8:41:13
Dinah-
It's interesting, I didn't realize the subject would be so scary for others as well. Particularly interesting when, isn't it the point of therapy, in the end, to grow? I guess it is because we've found these incredibly healing relationships and don't want to lose them. Growing up means that relationship changes, even if you don't lose it.
I feel really lucky that my T sees therapy as a life long process, not something where you "get better" and then stop. I see it that way too, I feel like I'll always find it helpful to go in (sometimes more or less frequently) and bounce ideas and thoughts and struggles off of her. So, for me losing her isn't a reality (except for retirement or death- though she's hinted she'd stay in touch in retirement), but the fear is still very real.
Old stuff I suppose. I feel like it'll be a while before I'm not afraid of that anymore.
Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2009, at 14:33:48
In reply to Re: Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'? » Dinah, posted by workinprogress on July 26, 2009, at 14:26:42
For me, growing up means a lot more than that. In fact, I'm not actually afraid I'll lose my therapist if I grow up.
I can't even articulate it.
It's wrapped up in a lot of stuff. Responsibility and aloneness and sex.
Too scary to contemplate.
Posted by workinprogress on July 26, 2009, at 14:33:49
In reply to Re: Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'? » workinprogress, posted by rskontos on July 26, 2009, at 13:43:48
Rsk-
I think that's exactly it. It doesn't feel safe to say I am where I am, because I feel like my T will change, be different, and that I'll "lose" her. Maybe not physically, but the loving mother connection that I have.
I find myself unconsciously "regressing" back to past places of more intense need in order to find that loving mother feeling again. My T always says to ask for what I need. I wonder how to do that, how to ask for that without, as she says, "amping it up" to make it happen. What would I ask for? I guess it would be something like... "I feel small and could use a safe space and some nurturing". Maybe to make it a question I could say "Can I come have a seat in your lap?" And she'd know what I meant.
And yes, Antigua is so right, even though I forget it ever time, growing is so not linear.
Posted by rskontos on July 28, 2009, at 11:31:23
In reply to Re: Growing up... Dinah, other 'veterans'? » rskontos, posted by workinprogress on July 26, 2009, at 14:33:49
Yes definitely, a phrase that allows you to let her know how small and unsafe you feel and one you can use on yourself might really be helpful.
Lately, when I feel like my other parts are so upset and chattering to the point where I think my head will explode I sssshhhhh myself like you would soothe a baby to help the fragmented selves of me to calm down and the chatter to subside and it is working. I told my t this and he was very encouraging and happy I was finally using some self-calming techniques. I just had to find one that worked for me.
Maybe your T can help you find that phrase that will help the two of you understand your feelings without verbalizing it and maybe eventually you can use that phrase on yourself to help.
take care and peace
rsk
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