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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 8, 2009, at 0:48:56
The topic of web surfing for our Ts is an old one. I'm not trying to start that one up again (unless others want to take it there which would be fine, of course.) I just saw her today and I'm not going to see her for a week and I REALLY NEEDED MORE THAN 50 MINUTES. It just wasn't enough. She left me a message for me to listen to this week, but it's REALLY, REALLY not enough. I am trying to just acknowledge the feeling, let it pass through, know this is all a "process" and try not to judge myself. But I ACHE. I was too comfortable in the last two sessions! I didn't talk enough about my attachment to her and now I feel like I NEED that discussion in order to feel attached! Does that make sense to anyone?
I so desperately want to see her Twitter account, Facebook account, ANYTHING. (I assume she has such things all protected, btw. It was just that one crazy night when I was miscarrying and she was ON VACATION that I did a hardcore search for her and found stuff. The only thing I have done since then is steal her Twitter profile pic - what is it? 2x4 pixels - haha - for my iPod.)
Anyway, I told her no more surfing. Not cause she was telling me not to, but just cause I actually don't want to find "stuff" out about her that way. I just want more connection. I need a hug really. From her. A really Super Tight Hug that tells me she trusts me, is here for me, and that she cares. No, that says she LOVES me.
She said she cares about me on the message. It means SO much to me that she says that. But now I want her to tell me she loves me. Why can't "cares about me" be enough? Why can't that carry me till next week? Man, even my palms hurt. I just WANT her and I don't even knows what that means. *sigh*
FindingMyDesire
Posted by Phillipa on May 8, 2009, at 12:35:56
In reply to Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 8, 2009, at 0:48:56
Sounds very difficult. I kind of envy this sort of attachment to another as never have had it. Wouldn't an I love you be crossing boundaries or is it allowed professionally? I truly don't know. Love Phillipa
Posted by workinprogress on May 8, 2009, at 13:01:48
In reply to Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 8, 2009, at 0:48:56
Oh sweetie... I am so sorry you are aching so much. I so understand where you are coming from, because I've felt it too. That yearning.. the worm in your head, the constant longing and wanting and ACHING. I thought it would NEVER go away and that I was sort of crazy for feeling it in the first place. I so get it and I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.
(((((((FMD)))))))))
You're right of course, it's good to talk to your T about it. And it's good to let yourself FEEL it. That's how I moved through that space. Here's my list of coping mechanisms (all of which my T knows about and says are fine):
1) calling her every night just to leave a message so she won't forget me (she says I'm always in her heart, out of sight isn't out of mind- but that isn't what I felt growing up, so this helps)
2) transitional object (a little bear that goes everywhere with me)
3) occasional voice mails from her when I need them
4) sometimes driving by her house (I was super ashamed to tell her that one, but she said, if that's what you need to do to feel comforted or connected, that's ok- so long as you aren't hurting me)- I don't do it often, but I've done it
5)talking to her about my connection/attachment of course, what she means to me
6) I'm away from home for work for 2 months (home every other weekend and will try to see her) and I asked her for a T care package- a little bit of T to have on the road. She agreed.And, I have googled her. I haven't told her that, not sure why exactly. Probably initially it felt like an invasion of privacy and now I just know she'd be fine so it seems weird to bring up.
Anyway, all that is to say... you're so not alone. And it isn't abnormal that you feel the way you do. It took me quite some time to feel ok- probably about a year and a half. And it was the daily phone calls that finally did it. I finally felt connected enough through them. I finally knew she couldn't forget me.
I think we all have to find what works for us. And it's important to ask for what you need of course. And of course Ts can't always give us what we want, but I bet you can get to something that feels good eventually. Have you seen those "Table Topic" cards they sell in gift stores? Well, they are these cards that have conversational questions on them. I pulled out "who in the world would you most like to trade places with?" and I said my T's 12 year old (not the 18 year old- too independent) daughter. She can't do that for me of course, but she can understand that desire in me. She's still my mom in lots of ways though and that's changed me and my life. Once I stopped fighting those feelings and desires it got easier... and way more comfortable.
My T calls it "settling in".
For you, I look forward to you "settling in".
WIP
> The topic of web surfing for our Ts is an old one. I'm not trying to start that one up again (unless others want to take it there which would be fine, of course.) I just saw her today and I'm not going to see her for a week and I REALLY NEEDED MORE THAN 50 MINUTES. It just wasn't enough. She left me a message for me to listen to this week, but it's REALLY, REALLY not enough. I am trying to just acknowledge the feeling, let it pass through, know this is all a "process" and try not to judge myself. But I ACHE. I was too comfortable in the last two sessions! I didn't talk enough about my attachment to her and now I feel like I NEED that discussion in order to feel attached! Does that make sense to anyone?
>
> I so desperately want to see her Twitter account, Facebook account, ANYTHING. (I assume she has such things all protected, btw. It was just that one crazy night when I was miscarrying and she was ON VACATION that I did a hardcore search for her and found stuff. The only thing I have done since then is steal her Twitter profile pic - what is it? 2x4 pixels - haha - for my iPod.)
>
> Anyway, I told her no more surfing. Not cause she was telling me not to, but just cause I actually don't want to find "stuff" out about her that way. I just want more connection. I need a hug really. From her. A really Super Tight Hug that tells me she trusts me, is here for me, and that she cares. No, that says she LOVES me.
>
> She said she cares about me on the message. It means SO much to me that she says that. But now I want her to tell me she loves me. Why can't "cares about me" be enough? Why can't that carry me till next week? Man, even my palms hurt. I just WANT her and I don't even knows what that means. *sigh*
>
> FindingMyDesire
Posted by workinprogress on May 11, 2009, at 1:04:39
In reply to Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 8, 2009, at 0:48:56
Wondering how you're feeling about all this? I saw you posted elsewhere today, does that mean you're doing better about it? Or were we somehow not helpful? I really do relate to what you're talking about here and so get the pain you're experiencing, so I want to be helpful if I can....
xo
WIP> The topic of web surfing for our Ts is an old one. I'm not trying to start that one up again (unless others want to take it there which would be fine, of course.) I just saw her today and I'm not going to see her for a week and I REALLY NEEDED MORE THAN 50 MINUTES. It just wasn't enough. She left me a message for me to listen to this week, but it's REALLY, REALLY not enough. I am trying to just acknowledge the feeling, let it pass through, know this is all a "process" and try not to judge myself. But I ACHE. I was too comfortable in the last two sessions! I didn't talk enough about my attachment to her and now I feel like I NEED that discussion in order to feel attached! Does that make sense to anyone?
>
> I so desperately want to see her Twitter account, Facebook account, ANYTHING. (I assume she has such things all protected, btw. It was just that one crazy night when I was miscarrying and she was ON VACATION that I did a hardcore search for her and found stuff. The only thing I have done since then is steal her Twitter profile pic - what is it? 2x4 pixels - haha - for my iPod.)
>
> Anyway, I told her no more surfing. Not cause she was telling me not to, but just cause I actually don't want to find "stuff" out about her that way. I just want more connection. I need a hug really. From her. A really Super Tight Hug that tells me she trusts me, is here for me, and that she cares. No, that says she LOVES me.
>
> She said she cares about me on the message. It means SO much to me that she says that. But now I want her to tell me she loves me. Why can't "cares about me" be enough? Why can't that carry me till next week? Man, even my palms hurt. I just WANT her and I don't even knows what that means. *sigh*
>
> FindingMyDesire
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 11, 2009, at 3:04:37
In reply to Re: Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web » FindingMyDesire, posted by workinprogress on May 8, 2009, at 13:01:48
Hi WIP!
Thanks SO much for both of your posts. Actually I think I experienced that hesitation-due-to-fear-of-intimacy in reaction to your post. Sorry about that. :-) Now that it's been a couple of days and it's the middle of the night and I'm tired - I can write you back.ACTually, your post was just what I needed and it REALLY helped. It was great not to feel alone and to get your list of coping mechanisms you use. I have been calling her. I feel silly for being so needy, but it sure helps.
Tonight I'm working late and my mind drifts... here I am online and I think about surfing for her again. For what? I'm coming into the next phase of the cycle again, that's for sure.
First I'm distant and afraid. She proves herself to be loving, consistent, and present for me. I come out of my (turtle) shell a bit. Then I really come out. I mean, I share and share and really take up space. This happens over the course of a few weeks. Then my love, attraction, and attachment intensifies. I feel so good. Then I start to ache and feel need and want. That starts to hurt. Then I go and totally express my love for her. (I'm about to be at this point of action - I predict by Thursday I will have some sort of love letter in hand.) Then I feel like the other shoe will drop, the sh*t will hit the fan, the rug will come out from under me - all of those sayings will work here. In other words, I'll be TOO MUCH and of course THIS TIME she will LEAVE ME in some way. So then I freak out, pull away, and probably blame her in some way for just not understanding me - or being too straight - or for being inadequate in some way - or whatever. Then I will be hurt and angry and afraid.
And then it all starts over again. Of course, she comforts me in this insanity by explaining how it's all a process and more of a spiral than a loop and how it circles around but is different each time. I guess that's the path towards eventually "settling in."
Yeah, I can see that. But mostly I just feel like, "Oh here I go again."
So, here I go again.
Anyway, WorkInProgress, you are so great to check on me! Thanks so much. It really, really helps.
FMD
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