Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 11, 2009, at 3:04:37
In reply to Re: Posting Here So I Don't Start Surfing the Web » FindingMyDesire, posted by workinprogress on May 8, 2009, at 13:01:48
Hi WIP!
Thanks SO much for both of your posts. Actually I think I experienced that hesitation-due-to-fear-of-intimacy in reaction to your post. Sorry about that. :-) Now that it's been a couple of days and it's the middle of the night and I'm tired - I can write you back.ACTually, your post was just what I needed and it REALLY helped. It was great not to feel alone and to get your list of coping mechanisms you use. I have been calling her. I feel silly for being so needy, but it sure helps.
Tonight I'm working late and my mind drifts... here I am online and I think about surfing for her again. For what? I'm coming into the next phase of the cycle again, that's for sure.
First I'm distant and afraid. She proves herself to be loving, consistent, and present for me. I come out of my (turtle) shell a bit. Then I really come out. I mean, I share and share and really take up space. This happens over the course of a few weeks. Then my love, attraction, and attachment intensifies. I feel so good. Then I start to ache and feel need and want. That starts to hurt. Then I go and totally express my love for her. (I'm about to be at this point of action - I predict by Thursday I will have some sort of love letter in hand.) Then I feel like the other shoe will drop, the sh*t will hit the fan, the rug will come out from under me - all of those sayings will work here. In other words, I'll be TOO MUCH and of course THIS TIME she will LEAVE ME in some way. So then I freak out, pull away, and probably blame her in some way for just not understanding me - or being too straight - or for being inadequate in some way - or whatever. Then I will be hurt and angry and afraid.
And then it all starts over again. Of course, she comforts me in this insanity by explaining how it's all a process and more of a spiral than a loop and how it circles around but is different each time. I guess that's the path towards eventually "settling in."
Yeah, I can see that. But mostly I just feel like, "Oh here I go again."
So, here I go again.
Anyway, WorkInProgress, you are so great to check on me! Thanks so much. It really, really helps.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:894732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895150.html