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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:39:25
Even though sessions aren't nearly as upsetting as they used to be.
Last session we talked about the fact that for the first time ever, I was maybe thinking that Dinah was me. Maybe me with time to think, reflect and edit. Or me without social anxiety. But still me. He was so delighted he made me repeat it. Without all the qualifiers. Hard to do without qualifiers.
It really wasn't all that emotionally loaded.
We touched briefly on the fact that I'd never told him that I'd shopped for guns while we were evacuated for Katrina. I *know* I told him I was having suicidal thoughts, and probably considered that that covered it. He wanted to know if that was before or after he told me he could no longer be my therapist. I wasn't sure. Now that I think of it, it must have been after, but not a direct result. I just think I would have had less confidence in my ability to get through what was happening without my therapist.
But again, it wasn't all that emotionally charged. We both talked about the fact that a heck of a lot of people probably felt suicidal then.
I love my morning appointments, but maybe I ought to think about changing them to later in the day, since I'm often worthless for the day after therapy.
Posted by Phillipa on May 9, 2009, at 11:57:57
In reply to Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:39:25
Dinah have been thinking of you all weeks with this horrible weather across the nation. I'm sorry you felt that way. Does you doc call it PTSD now? Love Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 17:32:26
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 9, 2009, at 11:57:57
It was traumatic. But I think it's like childbirth. Memory fades, and we forget, or else how could we choose to give birth again? Or live in a hurricane zone? Or trust a therapist not to leave us?
Although that was the point, I think. I don't trust him not to leave me anymore, because he did leave me. And knowing that somehow frees me from worrying about whether he'll leave me.
Which really makes no sense, when you think about it.
Posted by Phillipa on May 9, 2009, at 20:29:30
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 17:32:26
Oh it makes a lot of sense to me. To me it says it happened you survived and if it happens again you've now experienced it so you know you will survive. Love Phillipa
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 10, 2009, at 8:10:26
In reply to Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:39:25
I suspect that anytime you discuss when he left you, that something very deep in you is triggered, even if it doesn't seem all that emotionally charged at the time. But you know everything I read or hear these days is heavily filtered by the fact that my T is leaving me, so I'm probably totally off base.
At any rate, I'm very sorry about the migraines and hope that will stop soon.
(((((((((Dinah)))))))))))
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 9:21:14
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » Dinah, posted by Phillipa on May 9, 2009, at 20:29:30
That would make sense.
It might also be that in giving up the golden dream, I'm practicing radical acceptance. This is the way it is, no point in hoping for more.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 9:28:56
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 10, 2009, at 8:10:26
No, you probably aren't off base. I think talking to him about when he did leave me probably did push me back in time a bit to relive it. When I come to think about it, reliving that time is probably why I brought up the shopping. I certainly don't think about it on a regular basis.
But either migraines or an involuntary nap or both do seem like a nearly inevitable part of therapy. At least if I really am present at therapy. I theorize sometimes that opening the doors to the most vulnerable part of myself requires some self hypnosis that causes those things.
If I were a good girl, I'd change the appointments as late as possible. But I tend to like him better in the mornings, before he's all tired out.
Goodness. I think that means my therapist/mommy is a morning person. My father used to sing "Oh how I hate to get up in the morning!" in extra loud and cheerful tones as I dragged myself out of bed and shot daggers with my eyes and mumbled invective. I am NOT a morning person.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 10, 2009, at 13:40:58
In reply to Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:39:25
Hi Dinah!
So sorry about the migraines and the fact that you have to talk about him having ever left you at all.I think what Phillipa said is very interesting about knowing you could survive. Isn't there a book called "radical acceptance?" or something like it? I'm sure I'm not ready for anything like that. Too young in my attachment.
I know what you mean about timing throughout the day too. I like my Saturday mornings with my T better cause she's all bright-eyed and awake. But my evening appointments give me more private space to process before going to bed.
Hope you feel better soon,
FMD
Posted by seldomseen on May 10, 2009, at 16:44:20
In reply to Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by Dinah on May 9, 2009, at 8:39:25
I definately still get the therapy hangover. Unless I have been just bawling my eyes out though I don't get a migraine.
I wonder if the involuntary napping is a kind of dissociation?
I seem to hear a lot of sadness, worry and fear in your posts as of late. I may not always post, but you are definately in my thoughts.
I hear you when you say your therapist abandoned you post katrina, but do wonder if there is more to this breach than just the asparagus. ;)
Peace to you,
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 17:33:48
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by seldomseen on May 10, 2009, at 16:44:20
:)
We're actually getting along quite well. He's even been really *present* lately.
Maybe it's something cyclical and biological. I've been really anxious the past few weeks, and also haven't been feeling overly well. And having some of those thoughts I get when waking up that usually signal some depression. I don't *feel* particularly depressed though. Anxious yes. I'm trying to just wait it out. This too shall pass.
My therapist, for the most part, has been terrific.
Earlier today it occurred to me that I've been trying to go straight to work from therapy. I had been in the practice of going home and taking a short nap. And if I really really think about it, I think the migraines rarely happen if I take the nap. Maybe I'll make a twenty minute nap directly after therapy part of the whole therapy experience.
My therapist thinks the involuntary naps are dissociative in nature. My sleep doctor thinks they're evidence of a sleep disorder. But therapy hangover sounds right to me.
I wonder why that is? That even when we're not upset, the hangover still happens?
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 17:37:35
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 10, 2009, at 13:40:58
I try to practice radical acceptance.
I know I did survive his absence. I even remember that we had agreed to email while he was in Europe, but he was so awful at email that I told him to please quit emailing me, and that I wouldn't contact him by email anymore. I was much less upset when I didn't hear from him at all. I'd be just starting to slog along without crying all the time when I'd hear from him and it would start all over again.
But that whole period of time has such a negative space in my brain that I don't think I feel particularly confident of my ability to do without him.
But acceptance, yes. I'd just as well.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 11, 2009, at 23:37:23
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger » FindingMyDesire, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2009, at 17:37:35
Dinah, I ended up posting about me here (hope that's OK.)
I don't feel like I survived my T going out on maternity leave for three months. In some ways I don't think I'm truly over it. It's often something I think I should talk more to her about, but I'm not sure even what I would say. I can say that almost every session I try to size her up wondering if she is pregnant again. I'm not sure why I think knowing sooner rather than later would help, but I'm just trying to have a sense of control about it I guess. I told her angrily in a letter once that when she gets pregnant again I will have to say goodbye - not only because I couldn't take her leaving again but because I have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years and can't. I see her as NORMAL while I'm not normal I guess. (Her having a husband and me being a lesbian.) Of course I'm assuming she will have a second. I asked her and she said that was a personal question. Then she added vaguely and reluctantly that her family hadn't decided yet. I think she realized right there that she was totally going to lose me if she cut me off completely from asking this terrifying question. Anyway, I totally considered erasing myself when she left. So, I saw a temporary replacement while she was gone. All I did was cry. Seriously. I went to the appointment and most of the time I sobbed and expressed my incredible anger towards her for being gone and clearly not really caring about me. It was ridiculous. She was HAVING A BABY. I felt pity for the replacement T - an intern - who mostly looked helplessly at me. I mean, she was totally present and supportive, but could make no progress towards comforting me. Gosh, when I think about it now I'm just so embarrassed. But you know what? It would happen like that all over again. I just know it. And I don't care how long we have worked on the attachment and connection I'm supposed to learn how to hold onto in between sessions. I just don't think I could bare it. Really. I guess I still feel like she has my soul in her hands and could crush me at any second. I feel like she did crush me. I don't know how I ever returned to her. How did I do that? At least now I truly believe and somehow know that she would never do that to me on purpose - crush me that is. That's a step. But as a result of her simply needing to live her life? Definitely could happen. She could decide not to get her license or continue with this profession. She could move. She could retire someday. Haha. That's funny. (It would be awhile.) Something could happen to her or someone in her family. (Of course I worry about this one all the time. That would be so horrible for so many other reasons of course because I love her and never want anything bad to happen to her.) Therapy is just such a weird, weird relationship. It's super hard. I do wonder sometimes if it's worth it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a sensitive person who needed depth in my life or in my interactions with people. If I could just float through life oblivious to myself and my needs... wouldn't that be better?
That all just ended up being about me. Anyway, I think I kind of get the pain around feeling abandoned by a T and "surviving" it. I mean I know we have attachments of different kinds, and you have had yours for much longer. How long has it been? But anyway, guess I've been thinking a lot about your post.
Hope the migraines have subsided. Do you get them on one side? Do you have that hangover feeling the next day? Do you get sick from them too?
:-)
FMD> I try to practice radical acceptance.
>
> I know I did survive his absence. I even remember that we had agreed to email while he was in Europe, but he was so awful at email that I told him to please quit emailing me, and that I wouldn't contact him by email anymore. I was much less upset when I didn't hear from him at all. I'd be just starting to slog along without crying all the time when I'd hear from him and it would start all over again.
>
> But that whole period of time has such a negative space in my brain that I don't think I feel particularly confident of my ability to do without him.
>
> But acceptance, yes. I'd just as well.
>
>
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2009, at 8:03:53
In reply to Re: Still getting post session migraines and trigger, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 11, 2009, at 23:37:23
Fourteen years of therapy relationship.
My therapist always tries to reassure me about things by reminding him I will survive. I always remind *him* that that's the problem. It's the surviving I'm afraid of.
So I totally recognize and understand your feelings, and your fear that she will abandon you again. Even if she did come back, as mine did. It does occur to me that it would be easier for her if she managed to see a few clients earlier than three months. I know I was doing at least a few things within a week or two, the things that really couldn't be put off. And a friend of mine got calls in the labor room about work. But I suppose her job involves being sane, and not overly emotional, while mine didn't matter if I was sobbing while I worked.
I suppose there are two things that mitigate the fear a bit. My father died. Our relationship might not have been perfect, but he was interwoven into every aspect of my life. His loss hurts so much, yet it gets more bearable over time. And the other was that Katrina was soooo disruptive in general to people's lives. At the time all of us needed support most, we were surrounded with people who were just as screwed up and overwhelmed and traumatized as we were. Or worse. So part of the anger with him is displaced to the situation in general. Especially since it was clear he handled it worse than I did.
The pain of the migraines isn't so bad now that I have Frova. And I was fortunate that I never got the sort that landed me in the hospital. Every few years, I may get one bad enough to cry and suspect that this one will kill me. But in comparison with others, I'm lucky. Unfortunately, the frova only works on the headache. I still am left feeling heavy and mildly nauseous. They come in groups, though. A month or two ago I noticed I hadn't had any for a while. Then comes a period where every change in the barometer, flash of light, or emotional upset gives me one. In addition to those, I could swear I'm now getting them from my head position when I sleep, and I've had to remove all pillows except the very bottom of my sleep wedge.
I suppose I'm just surprised that therapy still counts as an emotional upset. Maybe dissociation is a trigger all by itself.
This is the end of the thread.
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