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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Their purpose is to shake you up, drive you out of a situation that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."
- Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
"Its not settling; its knowing yourself. If you are a relatively healthy, well-adjusted person, its important to listen to your gut."
Posted by SLS on March 5, 2009, at 6:42:23
In reply to soul mates, posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
That's an interesting take on things.
It does not reflect the bliss I felt when I had found a soul mate. The relationship brought out the best in me and helped me to grow without much pain. That was me. On her part, it is very likely that she did experience some of the things that are described in the piece you cited. I think that is why she could not commit. She had, in her mind, lost control of herself. She was so deeply in love, the emotional experience was beyond her comfort level. I think another part of it was that her mother had been active in the feminist movement in the 1960's. She was taught by her mother never to give up her independence. Approach-avoidance. At some point, I decided that I would no longer be part of her emotional roller-coaster. I left her, even though I was still in love with her. I knew I would get over it. I did. It was the healthy thing for me to do.
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 7:46:36
In reply to soul mates, posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
I'm not sure I believe in soul mates. I've never experienced such a thing. Well, except maybe with a little 2.75 pound dog with big eyes and a fierce determination to love me from the time she tottered away from her mother's side.
I'm not sure I've ever seen it either. Maybe my grandma and grandpa. Their courtship story was beautiful, and grandpa always looked at grandma like she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen (she actually looked like me, more or less). But I don't know that I saw Grandma looking at Grandpa that way. Maybe I missed it.
My husband and I joked we were going to do our wedding dance to Weird Al's song.
"Oh I couldnt live a single day without you,
Actually on second thought, well I suppose I could.
Anyway, what I'm tryin' to say is honey you're the greatest,
Well at any rate, I guess you're pretty good.
Now it seems to me, I'm really deeply lucky,
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more,
I honestly can say you're an above average lady,
You're almost just what I've been looking for.[Chorus]
You're sort of everything I ever wanted,
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow.
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of,
Well not really, but you're good enough for now.You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for,
That's why my love for you is fairly strong,
And I swear, I'm never gonna leave you darlin',
At least 'till something better comes along.Cuz you're sort of everything I ever wanted,
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow.
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of,
Well not really, but you're good enough for now."If it hadn't said the "for now" part, we likely would have. He may be essential to my life and happiness now, but it's because of what we've been through together and built together, not because of any mystic connection, I don't think.
Not to say we aren't a good match. We are. We have complementary strengths and weaknesses, and even the things that drive me nuts are the things I like most about him, in a different situation.
I'd probably say the same thing about my therapist.
My son is different of course. Children are.
The little dog? The love of my life? My happiness? That was a bit mystic in my experience of her. But since if she had never picked me and bonded to me and made me feel like no one in the world had ever loved me like she did, I would likely haven't have felt any special connection beyond that she was cute as a bug.
The most romantic scene I've ever seen in a movie was in "Punchline". Sally Field comes home with the worst perm ever, and she knew it. She looked miserable and about to cry. Dan Goodman looked at her, and you could see that he thought so too and would likely have said something to her, if she hadn't looked so upset. But instead he, then their kids, swept in on her telling her how beautiful she looked, and looking like in a way, in their eyes, she was.
Makes me cry everytime. Seems so much nicer than a soulmate to me.
But perhaps it's something lacking in me. I'm the least romantic person alive.
Posted by SLS on March 5, 2009, at 8:02:04
In reply to Re: soul mates » garnet71, posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 7:46:36
Perhaps I use the term "soul mates" too loosely. I believe that there is another and another and another, etc. It is just rare that two hook-up and nurture the relationship to be such a thing. There is a certain chemistry between two people that can emerge as the relationship blossoms. Perhaps soul mates are made and not found. Still, I feel that there is a compatability that exists between two people before they ever meet.
Dinah, I will have to take you at your word that you are the least romantic person you know of. If anything, I am plagued by my romantacism. It seems to know no bounds.
What was pretty cool about the relationship that I had with my "former soul mate", is that we were equally in love with each other. In a restaurant, it was obvious to others that this was true. We would get people looking over, giving us warm smiles. There is no doubt that they could see the way we constantly stared into each other's eyes that the magic was there.
- Scott
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 8:13:52
In reply to Re: soul mates, posted by SLS on March 5, 2009, at 8:02:04
> What was pretty cool about the relationship that I had with my "former soul mate", is that we were equally in love with each other. In a restaurant, it was obvious to others that this was true. We would get people looking over, giving us warm smiles. There is no doubt that they could see the way we constantly stared into each other's eyes that the magic was there.
>
>
> - ScottThat I will never know. I think I'm incapable of it.
But instead I get the happiness that comes smiling (or giggling) and totally understanding when one of us says "There's more than asparagus here." or "Can I help you with that Koolaid? Please?" or "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought she knew."
I think it's probably similar in the end. A bonding experience that brings us together while shutting the rest of the world out. But if he gazed into my eyes, I'd probably ask if I had a sty. I think I flunked personal chemistry. :)
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 9:29:52
In reply to Re: soul mates » SLS, posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 8:13:52
Although I suppose that's all part of finding the right person. And maybe it's at least partly a question of semantics.
Posted by Poet on March 5, 2009, at 9:38:14
In reply to soul mates, posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
Hi Garnet,
Thanks for the quote. I read that book thinking I would hate it and absolutely loved it. I found her journey very meaningful and I agree about soul mates.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 9:39:29
In reply to Re: soul mates, posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 9:29:52
Because I suppose it could be argued that if you find someone else who considers "Good Enough for Now" to be a perfect love song, then you have indeed found a soulmate.
Posted by Phillipa on March 5, 2009, at 13:04:54
In reply to Re: soul mates, posted by Dinah on March 5, 2009, at 9:39:29
The beginning year of two of all my relationships was blissful and soulmate then it disappeared and became shall we say familiar and friendly and not so friendly at time. Don't they say chemical for six months to a year and then they for lack of better word dissapate? Relationship either lasts or ends. Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on March 5, 2009, at 13:53:13
In reply to soul mates, posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
I can identify very strongly with that quote.
I've had four or five "soulmates" in my life (one of them my therapist). By that I mean something deep and intense and often uncontrollable and scary gets generated between us. Sometimes they're lovers, sometimes just friends. I suppose a psychoanalytic writer would label all of it "transference" and that's not completely inaccurate--but there is something profound and magical (and painful, sometimes) that happened with all of these people.
My therapist has stated that she thinks it's special, too--I remember her stating, "there's some kind of ...phenomenon that happens between us," and that she felt we were "meant to be together" (as therapist and client of course). Of course, she believes in fate. I'm not sure I do, but I guess as I get older, I start to. All I know is, I'm wired this way, and there are a few people in my life I've gotten instantly "wired to." You can label it chemistry, transference, soulmates, or fate. I guess it doesn't matter to me. There are some experiences that go beyond any explanation of them. And my relationships with a few people certainly have.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 5, 2009, at 14:10:45
In reply to Re: soul mates » garnet71, posted by raisinb on March 5, 2009, at 13:53:13
I agree a million percent I have only had chemistry with a few men....1 of them, my t; we are alike in over 30 different ways; it is just phenomenal.
I call it chemistry and LOVE....
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by seldomseen on March 5, 2009, at 16:35:19
In reply to soul mates, posted by garnet71 on March 5, 2009, at 2:21:46
Soul mate? As in a mate for my soul?
Nope haven't found one. Probably never will. I've been in love - it's nice to have a companion that you love. But i've never felt that "mated" kind of feeling.
The tigers I work with at the sanctuary are probably the closet things that i have ever found. I'm so inexplicably drawn to them.
I sort of feel mated to the ocean I guess too. It's the same kind of feeling.I guess my kindred are wild.
Seldom
Posted by Garnet71 on March 8, 2009, at 14:19:37
In reply to Re: soul mates » garnet71, posted by seldomseen on March 5, 2009, at 16:35:19
Seldomseen,
That's so interesting you work with tigers. I'm jealous. If I could only go back 10 years, I would have chosen a career working with animals, preferably sea creatures. I'm afraid it's too late to go back with my level of debt and no retirement savings..lol.
I'm with you on the soul mate thing. My soul mate is nature.
This is the end of the thread.
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