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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 38. Go back in thread:
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 22:35:00
In reply to Did you tell your T about the Sh*t List Thingy? » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 13, 2009, at 21:37:42
My T has read this sh*t list above, why do you ask?
She feels I am justified in defending myself.
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 14, 2009, at 5:29:40
In reply to Re: My T says he deserves a little humilation » wittgensteinz, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 18:20:31
Now that's much better :) - I hope you don't feel like you have to be happy but I don't get the feeling that calling yourself a 'slug' is being true to yourself (understatement) - just be yourself and be fair to yourself and leave those slugs behind.
Witti
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 14, 2009, at 5:34:52
In reply to Re: My T says he deserves a little humilation » wittgensteinz, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on February 13, 2009, at 18:17:30
I think the desire to be special, to be loved is very strong (innate?) - of course you were vulnerable in your relationship with that man and it's not your fault. It wouldn't have been your fault had you asked him to say those things even or if you'd done your very best to encourage him (please note, I'm not saying you did this) - it's his responsibility to keep boundaries and be professional. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully in time you will believe it and internalise it.
Witti
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 14, 2009, at 8:12:48
In reply to Re: My T says he deserves a little humilation » SlugSlimersSoSlided, posted by wittgensteinz on February 14, 2009, at 5:34:52
Thanks Witti,
I salted those slugs for now. lol I trying hard to believe everyone and my T that what my T did was his fault, his responsibility.
Some people ask me well didn't you need this to feel better about yourself, etc. I have heard it all, and it puts the responsibility on me, like I asked for it. When will the world stop blaming the victim in things? The thing is most victims do blame themselves so when people say comments like this, it just brings even more shame on the victims.
I just wish I didn't feel so much pain, maybe it felt good at the time, but the pain now is not worth it at all. That is why T's shouldn't do these things, there are no short term fixes, they need to be ethical.
Intellectually I get it, but emotionally I am struggling so much to believe it wasn't my fault. I feel we were both adults, blah blah blah, but we were not equal, he was my T.
Sorry for my rambling Witti....
Thank you for your support Witti
Posted by jammerlich on February 14, 2009, at 8:32:03
In reply to Re: Did you tell your T about the Sh*t List Thingy? » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 21:42:55
Is that the "humiliation" of which you spoke? For him and then some? Busy, busy it seems.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 14, 2009, at 9:30:26
In reply to Re: Did you tell your T about the Sh*t List Thingy? » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 14, 2009, at 8:32:03
Thanks for your support Jammer. Don't you remember the good times we had in Chicago, where you taught me to take shots of tequila at that Spanish restaurant and those banana desserts. lol At least "I" didn't feel you up.lol
I don't have a lot of time, but I will defend myself against the sh*tty people in the world who go around and hurt others and myself, I just won't roll over and play dead, and do the poor me thing. If people give me sh*t, I will give it right back to them, more quality sh*t in fact. If they don't like it, then they need to quit giving out servings. So yeah, my T is proud I am holding those accountable for the things they have done. We have talked extensively about this. We talked about unethical stuff T's do, and I am taking a stand against it.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 14, 2009, at 9:44:36
In reply to Re: Did you tell your T about the Sh*t List Thingy? » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 14, 2009, at 9:30:26
Kinda reminds me of an old friend who didn't like her roommate, and sent out a ton of magazines requests in her name. How she felt the pleasure of when her roommate was getting all those bills for magazines she didn't order. Tampering with the US mail and everything and it felt good to her. Yeah, a lot of people like to give people a good dose of their own medicine from time to time, it is those who pretend to be innocent are the ones to watch out for.
Posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 11:11:41
In reply to Re: Did you tell your T about the Sh*t List Thingy? » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 14, 2009, at 9:30:26
What I meant and what I think you may have inferred seem to be two different things.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 14:41:38
In reply to To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 11:11:41
I have no idea what you are talking about now or earlier. This thread was about my current T supporting me in seeing that what my 1st T did was wrong, anything other than this, I have no idea what you are talking about. Could you please explain what your post are asking me?
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 14:56:49
In reply to To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 11:11:41
Plus my postings are pretty direct in meaning,at least I thought they were. I don't think there are any inferment to be had. Your posts are the one's that don't make any sense to me pertaining to what the subject is. I am confused... So do you not support what my lady T says, that what my 1st T did to me was my fault? Do you not agree that he deserves any grief about the unethical stuff he did? I am trying to figure out if you are being supportive of me and my T or not, it is hard to tell. We don't post to each so much anymore and have lost touch so I have no idea what you are trying to convey to me.
I believe my first post in the thread tells what I am talking about pretty clearly, or doesn't it?
What don't you understand, maybe someone here can explain it better? Plus you know the story about my first T, you were here at Babble after me.
Posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 15:04:05
In reply to Re: To Clarify, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 14:41:38
I'd be more than happy to refresh your memory; however, doing so here would require posting links which, I'm quite sure, would be considered uncivil. As would babblemailing them to you, I think; though I'd need deputy input to be absolutely sure about that. If you'd like to send me an email address via babblemail, I could send you the links that way. Happy to help in any way I can!
Posted by no_rose_garden on February 15, 2009, at 15:06:30
In reply to His disosures--*triggers* I am so glad I fired him, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 13, 2009, at 21:28:11
He said all these things chai?
Some of them seem ok (depending on context, of course)...but some of them not so much :/I know i've said this before, but I'm glad you have new T :) I know you are too.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 15:41:04
In reply to Re: To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 15:04:05
So your posts have nothing to do with my old T and my T supporting me or you supporting me?
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 15:50:18
In reply to Re: His disosures » HappyChaiTea, posted by no_rose_garden on February 15, 2009, at 15:06:30
Thanks Norosegarden,
Yeah, I am happy to have my lady T, she really understands those who are suffering from PTSD due to past abuse and T abuse. The behaviors from PTSD are hard for those to understand who don't much about the disorder. I am so glad my current T keep tight boundaries because I need to feel safe. So some of the stuff my 1st T said would have been okay if it wasn't for all the others stuff, and his actions which I didn't post about lately.
It is kinda a whole picture kind of deal, my past childhood abuse, plus all that he did, he just repeated someone in power over me, taking advantage of me.
I am trying to move past it, it will take time my T said because it was abuse too, just like my childhood abuse, only a different type.
Posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 16:40:23
In reply to Re: To Clarify » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 15:41:04
Oh, they have very much to do with your old T and what your new T thinks of the WHOLE situation. ;)
I wish you all the best in exploring healthful ways of getting through your experience with him.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 21:27:26
In reply to Re: To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 16:40:23
> Oh, they have very much to do with your old T and what your new T thinks of the WHOLE situation. ;)
>
What does "they" have to do with my old unethical T? My T does know the whole situation, maybe it is you that is missing some of the story because your comments and words are confusing to me, Do you not believe what he did to me as being abuse? Maybe I am not handling the abuse the perfect way or something? My T hasn't said I am doing anything wrong, in fact she wants me to feel the hurt and anger and express it.> I wish you all the best in exploring healthful ways of getting through your experience with him.
Sorry you don't see my ways with dealing with abuse from my T as being healthy, but my T has validated me in what I did as being okay considering what he did to me and she does know the WHOLE story, more than any babbler on here. We are talking about taking him up in front of the licensing board. What little shame I might be causing him is NOTHING compared to what he did to me. I am going to stand up for myself and fight against him.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 21:33:58
In reply to Re: To Clarify » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 21:27:26
I think I will just go away to my cave where I can be safe. I am feeling very misunderstood and I am not strong enough to fight anymore. It is so hard to believe my T that it wasn't my fault, and now I just want to disappear. IT reminds me of my relatives that didn't believe my mom could ever burn and torture me, that is why I never told till now. I am sorry I ever posted again on here.
What my exT did was wrong, my T said, is she lying to me ? It is my fault then that he abused me? I don't even get to see her this week, and I just find myself sinking so deep now.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 22:24:53
In reply to Re: To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by jammerlich on February 15, 2009, at 16:40:23
I have never done anything you.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 22:49:34
In reply to Re: To Clarify » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 22:24:53
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 3:56:07
In reply to I am feeling really sad now, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 21:33:58
WEll actually I am not going to go anywhere, I haven't done anything wrong, I have been totally upfront with my T about everything and she supports me. What my T did was wrong and thank you to those who supported me on this thread and elsewhere.
Jammer, I am not sure what all this inferring is about, I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY CLEAR, on that I talked to my T about EVERYTHING. Plus the way I am handling my ex-T is FINE according to her, and hence my posting this in the first place.In fact she hopes I express myself even further.
I was looking for some support that agreed with my T, that the situation was NOT MY FAULT. This post was not to be a judge and jury on the perfect way of handling a unethical therapist, it was for support. Having I been through enough without having to also defend me and my T?
Inferring that I am not being honest with my T has me feeling put down, hurt and feeling unsupported. I tell my T everything, I have a good relationship with her, a healing one. Can anyone else imagine how this feels to be told this?
All I am looking for is some support, I have been trying really hard in therapy to overcome my obstacles,(we all have them, don't we)I just don't understand why you think I don't tell my T everything and that I am not handling my ex T in a healthy way, because my T tells me I am, and she knows everything. I have said this several times, so just what is your point in bringing this up again and again after I already said she knows everything?
I am not going to go anywhere, it is fine if you don't agree with my T or with me in the way I am handling what he did to me, I have heard you loud and clear that you don't, but I am here for support.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 4:05:14
In reply to Re: To Clarify » jammerlich, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 15, 2009, at 22:24:53
Well I would like to thank you Jammer for your comments, it has given me even more strength and more resolve for fighting against unethical T's. Seems like a calling for me. Using something bad that has happened to me, turning it into something positive for society and supporting those who have been victims is a good thing.
I have heard too many stories of those harmed by unethical T's, one's who do not follow the guidelines that they swear to uphold as an oath.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 4:06:01
In reply to Re: To Clarify » HappyChaiTea, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 4:05:14
Posted by wittgensteinz on February 16, 2009, at 13:33:57
In reply to Re: I am feeling really sad now, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 3:56:07
HappyCT,
I don't know what the messages from Jammer mean - they are not 'uncivil' in the psychobabble sense (I have no idea if they are in any other sense) but I sense that she is trying to convey something underlying - perhaps you know what it is, perhaps not - if not, then try not to worry. I'm sorry that some of the replies on this thread have started to upset you.
I think what you are doing with your current T is very important - now I have no idea how you plan to 'deal' with ex-ex-T and that's up to you and her really but whatever you choose, why shouldn't you ask for and receive understanding and support here?
There was a stage too when I posted something less than supportive about your reaction/feelings toward your ex-ex-T - this was some time ago and I think it would have made you feel belittled and I'm sorry. I had to think why I felt this way and maybe because this is a difficult topic - taboo even. I mean, many of us in some way crave 'special attention' from our Ts. We want to feel loved and special, and in a way it seems your ex-ex-T took advantage of a desire you had (maybe?) to be special to him. So maybe I reacted the way I did through jealousy or just at the discomfort that things like this even happen in therapy - where I would feel safer that they didn't? I'm not sure.
Anyway, I read your list again (I think the one you post on this thread is longer than the one I read before). I agree there is a context. You can lift some of those phrases and would make nothing of them but in the grand scheme of things what you experienced with this man seems to be something very far from therapeutic. I would like to feel loved and special by my T and that desire is fine - maybe I even am in some sense - but if he would treat me like a friend or confidante, he would ruin any chance of my improving. He would take the one opportunity for me to be really heard and turn it into something for HIM and I would later feel very used and worthless - of course in the first place I would like it/encourage it because I would believe I was getting the love and attention I never got - but later reality would set - as it did with you when he told you coldly that he didn't care and wouldn't attend your funeral. And from the perspective of a person who had a difficult childhood, feeling loved and special are the very cravings of unloved/abused children and we are blind to the warning signs when someone takes advantage of our vulnerabilities. If this man says things like this during therapy I don't think he should be practicing, and if you and your current T can find a way to help prevent this happening again then that is a positive thing in my opinion.
You might not get support from everyone. It's hard but try to hold on to those supporting words and let the less helpful ones pass you by.
Witti
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 22:55:37
In reply to Being heard and getting support, posted by wittgensteinz on February 16, 2009, at 13:33:57
Thanks WItti,
I am trying to keep my chin up, this week is hard for me, I don't have therapy either. I have a major paper I am procrastinating and a major speech to give on Monday.
So I might have to bear down and get busy with stuff that needs to get done, and stay away from the net this week.
I was just feeling good about therapy last week when she justified what my ex ex T did to me was so wrong and abusive on many levels she said. But I guess when I look at the subject it is probably upsetting to some, maybe those who have T's who are in their family, or married to, etc. Or just those who are trying to learn to trust their therapist.
What I really like about my T who I have been with for almost 5 months is that she knows all the stuff about me, the good, bad and ugly. I am in no way perfect, I am outspoken, and I do get hurt easily sometimes and become defensive. I do respond out of anger to protect myself when I feel threatened, this is part of the symptoms of PTSD and common for chronic torture and abuse survivors.It isn't pretty I know, but I really don't want to hurt anyone, but I will defend and fight back when I am being threatened or my kids or if someone is trying to take away something important from me. The instincts are strong and probably made me resilient as a child and an adult.
I guess I am seeing myself as the dog being backed into a corner, I will bite if threatened, but normally I am a happy go lucky mutt chasing after my tail. lol
This is the stuff I have been talking about in therapy, how I react to being threatened, when I don't feel safe. Some of my actions have been appropriate, but not all, but I am learning. My childhood has had some devastating effects on me, stuff I didn't even know about till I worked with this T of mine. But what is cool is that abuse and trauma survivors are her specialty, and she is really good.I am learning that some survivors use that anger against themselves like cutting, eating disorders(usually female) or do things under the radar to others, etc, and some of use respond outwardly when we feel threatened(usually male tendencies). Both are not good, but the 2nd way of cooping will get more negativity from others. I am somewhere in the middle.
Like other disorders, when others judge people harshly when they show symptoms,(some are not easily controllable, when it is instincts) it will not help them at all, usually understanding will go a long way and with support. But when people gang up on that person and treat them badly,( has happened all my life), it will only continue the abuse of that person, it will only make the situation worse for everyone. But unfortunately this happens more often than not, PSTD symptoms are not very well understood.
So I am trying to learn with my therapist to understand myself and why I act like I do. I can't change what I don't know. So I am getting better, baby steps, one at a time.
Posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 23:10:21
In reply to Re: Being heard and getting support » wittgensteinz, posted by HappyChaiTea on February 16, 2009, at 22:55:37
I also want to add that those with PTSD who have had a childhood of torture and abuse, like me might have very keen sense of safety triggers.
When I read Jammer's posts, and not understand what she is trying to say because it feel like it is written in code or something, my safety triggers flag me down big time. I am sure she is not meaning any harm or distress, but not knowing the unknown is frightening.
It reminds me of my mom when she used to tell I did something wrong, and I had no idea what she was talking about, I tried my hardest not to do whatever I was doing to make her stop abusing me. My T and I talked a great extent about the things I used to do just to avoid being tortured, and it did keep me safe some of the time, but not always. I feel most of the time, there were not justifiable reasons to hurt me, but the fear of not knowing, scares me, and triggers me. So when things are being spoke to me "in code" a code I don't understand, I feel fear and a sense of threatening safety. Usually, my fears are reasonable, since I am very instinctual, I can read my environment very well.
This is the end of the thread.
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