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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:02:09
As it's nearly the end of another year, I thought I would pose this question:
What were the most memorable moments between you and your therapist over the past year? What sticks in your mind (positive - or negative)?
Are there any milestones you feel you have reached and could share?
It's funny but I think my nicest moments with my T have been those of silence - those moments just after a revelation of some kind where we have shared a magical silence together, maybe held eye contact for a few seconds - where I've felt understood and cared for. No particular example comes to mind though, just that feeling it gave me. I hope to have many more of those moments in the future.
Of course coming round in hospital sticks in the mind too - the shock and thinking "what have I gone and done?!" - then my T being there and looking so uncomfortable, and my fear he wouldn't continue seeing me anymore.
One of my least productive sessions this last year was when I brought my dog with me (a chocolate labradoodle) (she was about 6 months old at the time) - we had painters working on our house so it wasn't possible to leave her at home. I let her free and she explored his office, stole tissues from his waste paper bin and jumped on the divan. He was surprisingly tolerant considering. I didn't get much deep talking done though.
I'm quite sure I've made progress although I feel at this moment that the state of the relationship between my T and I is not as strong or close as it was some months ago. I still feel my S attempt at the end of the summer has caused some irreparable damage - but I don't know to what extent that is just my feeling. I am rather hard on myself.
I feel less enmeshed in my past, I still have a lot to work on but I've surprised myself by managing and enjoying studying again - once again motivated toward a goal, not nearly as terrified of 'other people' as I was some months ago. So I guess my self-esteem is that little bit better. I've been seeing my T for 20 months now there abouts.
Ok, this was long enough. I'd love to read how others are reflecting on their year...
Witti
Posted by seldomseen on December 22, 2008, at 11:21:15
In reply to Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:02:09
Witti,
I'm really glad to hear that you feel excited by your coursework again. Having a goal can be so beneficial, and it really helps (obviously) if you enjoy the steps in achieving that goal.
It sounds as though 2009 will be a good year.For me, I had the usual therapy issues coming up and then down again. Of course there was also the word "bipolar" mentioned and the infamous (at least in my mind) locked door incident.
My most pleasant therapy session was one in which I laid down on the couch and just about went to sleep. My T asked me if I was sleepy and I said "yeah a little" It was one of those warm moments.
On the other hand, my best therapy session was also my worst. It's funny how a locked door can open up so many things.
I've had an up and down year at work, although science is very much like that. You run into amazing success, followed by abject failure all within a week sometimes. As long as the trend continues upward, no matter how small the slope of the line, it's worth it though.
I also celebrated the year anniversary of my head injury this past october. I think I've finally fully recovered from that. Since most of my problems after the injury were cognitive though, the good thing is - I'll never know if I'm still impaired! I certainly left a few IQ points in the dirt of that horse pasture, and that, coupled, well, with the billion or so brain cells I killed in college, it's a wonder I can still remember where I live!
Seldom.
Posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 11:56:54
In reply to Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:02:09
Great question! I'm going to think about it before I post. There's so much to think about; I don't know if I can actually separate it out.
But I'll think about it...
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on December 22, 2008, at 12:28:57
In reply to Re: Reflections (could be **triggering**) » Wittgensteinz, posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 11:56:54
Unfortunately none went through two and neither a good fit. Love Phillipa
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 16:09:37
In reply to Re: Reflections (could be **triggering**) » Wittgensteinz, posted by seldomseen on December 22, 2008, at 11:21:15
Seldom,
I hope 2009 will be a good year too. I'm applying to study medicine - I'm a foreigner in the country where I'm living and will be studying in Dutch, so have to pass some language exams first. Even then it's no certainty I'll get a place. If I do get in then I'll be doing what I've wanted to do for many years, which in a way would put my life back on track again.
I can understand why the locked door left a lasting impression - I don't know what I'd do if my therapist didn't come to the door. I'm sure I'd soon think the worst. It's interesting and fortuitous that such a negative experience turned into something so positive therapy-wise.
I've had the fantasy of just lying down on the divan and falling asleep - what a lovely sign of trust and comfort in the company of another person. Do you often lie down for your sessions? I'm going to try lying down for my sessions when I start again in January, so who knows - maybe I will drift off one time. Until now I have always sat (except briefly over a year ago for a couple of sessions but it was quickly apparent I wasn't ready).
I didn't know you had had a head injury - but I'm glad to hear you have made a full recovery.
Thanks for sharing,
Witti
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 16:10:30
In reply to Re: Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by Phillipa on December 22, 2008, at 12:28:57
Phillipa, do you think you will be trying therapy again next year? If so, good luck.
Witti
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 16:13:07
In reply to Re: Reflections (could be **triggering**) » Wittgensteinz, posted by antigua3 on December 22, 2008, at 11:56:54
Yes, when I came to think about it, I had the same problem - certainly for the very nice moments. I'm sure I absorbed the particular content but it's more about the feeling it gave me at that time - such as an intense feeling of trust, of being hear or understood or marveling at having put together a puzzle and seeing it for the first time - soon afterwards it becomes incorporated into ones thinking. Hard to explain but it's those special moments that for me make it possible for me to keep returning there for my sessions.
Witti
Posted by onceupon on December 23, 2008, at 9:47:25
In reply to Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 22, 2008, at 10:02:09
Great topic, Witti. Mostly it got me thinking about memory, and how mine works (or doesn't work as the case may be). I seem to have a very poor memory for things that happen in my therapy. I suspect it's because I'm usually hyperaroused (in the anxiety sense) while I'm there. Makes it hard to focus and remember. Knowing that people who are depressed tend to have a negative bias to their memories also makes me wonder just how accurate my negative memories of therapy are.
At any rate, one of the most memorable things from the past year was trying to talk for the first time with my therapist about feeling suicidal. I've always felt the need to present myself as well put together, and thoughts about suicide, well, they contrast with that persona. So I might have been my minimizing my distress, but I most remember feeling "dropped" by my therapist in response to bringing up the thoughts. She asked minimal follow-up questions and then seemed to change the topic. I brought it up again in subsequent sessions, but never talked with her about how I perceived her response.
And that brings me to milestones. Just last week I was able to tell my therapist that I felt angry in response to something that she suggested. (I plan to start a separate thread about this.) Up until then, I mostly idealized her and figured she could do no wrong. So telling her I felt angry felt important.
Witti, the moments of silence you describe sound wonderfully rich and full. I'm glad you've had the chance to share these with your therapist.And I'm glad to hear that you've become more engaged in studying again. If you could pass some of that my way, I'd appreciate it :)
I have also attempted suicide in the past, twice. I was seeing a different therapist at the time, and I had the distinct feeling that she was angry with me for a long time. Whether that was my own perception, or the truth, or a little bit of both, I'll never know. I regret having not talked with her about the effect of my attempts on our relationship. She was a pretty strict CBT therapist, though, and I'm not sure how open to that kind of conversation she might have been. I hope that you have the chance to revisit this with your therapist if you continue to have uncertainties about it.
Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 24, 2008, at 4:46:33
In reply to Re: Reflections (could be **triggering**), posted by onceupon on December 23, 2008, at 9:47:25
Onceupon,
I think your perceptions on memory are accurate. Certainly anxiety affects my memory too. My memory for what goes on in my sessions is good but as you said, I tend to look back placing a negative spin on things. I can let more or less anything flip into the negative if I think about it long enough.
I think suicide (as a topic) is something a lot of therapists shy away from - perhaps they feel that by talking about it one is opening a box or taking one step closer to doing something about it. I think this is wrong though. Things left unspoken, in my experience, can cause the most harm. With my therapist too, this is a difficult topic. He wants me to talk about it but when I do he's even gone as far as to say something mildly condescending in response; "well you're the expert on suicide" - which irritated me, and I later brought him up on it. I think he's still angry about it, I don't know - but I imagine it is inevitable I will return to that nag at some point with him.I read your separate thread - I think that was a huge milestone to accomplish: showing your anger, dispelling the illusion that your therapist is perfect. I can see why repeatedly having to do that exercise (psychodrama?) would make one angry. It sounded like it was more something to satisfy her need/desire to sooth that younger part of you.
I don't know why the shift in motivation (maybe this time because I'm doing it for me and not doing something to try and please my mother) - while I was a student in Oxford I was as motivated to study as a mouse might be to abandon a cheese castle! Now I think of that book 'Who moved my cheese?'
Witti
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