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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
I know is related to something really hurtful that caused all my issues, all my dissociative states and my anxiety. I dropped my son of and out of the blue it happened. I was so anxious, I hurt, I wanted to hide, I hurt, I knew someone hurt me, I knew in my head I was currently being hurt but I tingled in places I can't name, I wasn't me I was someone little that didn't like what was happening but couldn't stop it. I am not sure what caused this reaction. I did not flashback visually just physically. It lasted for about most of the ride home, 15 minutes, and I tried to get a grip, not to lose the connection. I guess I was partly there and partly not.
It really hurt. I then tried to come back.
So I focused on coming here to see if anyone had posted to me, and many had so that helped. I watched my DD's video again. Anything to remember me of a happier time.
And now if I focus on what triggered it, I think it was thinking about what caused so much hurt that might have caused me to be the way I am. And that is focus on my lost memory I guess triggered the physical memories. I don't know.
I have been upset most of the day but had to hide it from DS. Who was in such a good mood. He got excellent grades on his tests he had these past few days and then past his driving test and is now a licensed driver (oh now, more worries) so I couldn't upset him.
this hiding stuff sure is the toughest work sometimes.
anyway thanks for listening. I am going to take a xanax. My nerves are shot.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 22:22:46
In reply to (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
It is so hard to let them go. My DH is sleeping and I am crying.
First the thing this am. Then I had a run in with the damn insurance people and when I am already in a heightened emotional state, I just can't deal with people on the phone that act like "you are bothering me". So I cry. On the phone. To those people that are making me mad but instead of yelling I cry. So maddening.And now I am bigger mess. DS has just left on his first drive of his life alone. My baby is gone. Both of my babies gone.
I should have known today was going to be one of those days. It started highly emotionally and triggery (is that a word) and ended the same.
Maybe I was set off by DS's adventure because of the incident this morning.
I should go to bed but I can't do that either.
I am sad now.
Sorry to be a downer. I thought pouring my heart out would help but now I said like I am whiny to myself.
Sorry.
I will go back to lurking. because i can't stand myself right now.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on December 13, 2008, at 0:15:07
In reply to Re: and now DS drives off and I am a mess..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 22:22:46
Rsk I heard you and hear your worries and distress. Life episodes seem to happen in clusters. Just when things going better they backslide. Did the xanax help? After that lovely video of Daughter last night can you focus on what a great Mom you are? Love Phillipa
Posted by raisinb on December 13, 2008, at 1:04:25
In reply to (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
Rsk, this is one of my biggest struggles--that I don't know where my sadness comes from--it seems too big and too diffuse to come from a specific incident.
That you are feeling this way, though, tells me that you are doing good work in therapy--that the memories are close (as hard and awful as that may be).
I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a teenage child driving! I teach teenagers and even that (relatively superficial, in comparison) relationship makes me worried about them so much. But I see that good parenting makes all the difference. If you have connected with your son, made him value himself, then really, not too many things can shake that security.
Take care. (((((rsk))))
Posted by LadyBug on December 13, 2008, at 12:40:54
In reply to (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
(((((((rsk))))))) I hope you are feeling better by now. I know I can go from being fine to crying in a short time. I believe certain things trigger it.
You are awesome and I don't want to see you be in pain................you have my support and well wishes for a turn around.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by rskontos on December 13, 2008, at 14:25:08
In reply to Re: and now DS drives off and I am a mess... » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on December 13, 2008, at 0:15:07
Thanks Phillipa,
You are right. No, the xanax just made me sleepy. I will be better. Thanks for the pep talk.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 13, 2008, at 14:27:41
In reply to Re: (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that » rskontos, posted by raisinb on December 13, 2008, at 1:04:25
Thanks Raisinb,
I got so upset, that he said, "mom I will be so careful knowing how upset you are," he did call me when he got to his destination. He is a kind and caring son.
I do try to be a good parent enough though I had no models.
It is a struggle. Both of my children seem to grow up too fast.
But, they are both more solid and stable than I am and for that I am grateful.
I hope you are right that this is a sign of good progress in therapy. Maybe something is going right.
thanks so much
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 13, 2008, at 14:29:57
In reply to Re: (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ... » rskontos, posted by LadyBug on December 13, 2008, at 12:40:54
I felt better this am. I slept until 11.40. that is late for me but I did not go to bed until 2:00. Anyway,
you are so right it is so easy now for me to go from dry-eyed to cry-baby state in zero to full out in nano-seconds. That is why I feel like a mess and even when I am calm I know that it is a lie because I can unravel quickly these days.
Thanks for the pep talk and the kind words. I 'd appreciate it so much.
(((((((Ladybug)))))))--back at you!
rsk
Posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 8:29:27
In reply to (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
Dear (((((((((((((RSK)))))))))))))))))
so sorry you had to go through that. i know there have been a few times where i got so freaked from flashbacks while driving i've had to pull over.
and i think the physical flashbacks are so frightening (at least for me).
so i think considering what you experienced you are doing well and need to be good to yourself for a bit. can you do something soft and enjoyable for yourself. i know it sounds stupid but sometimes i like to color.and REMEMBER that song. its like a safety song for me sometimes. although i dont have anyones (real) arms to be safe in, i wrap myself up in the song.
its good that you look back at what triggered it, but please use caution. have you mentioned this to your T yet? can you get an 'emergency' appt with him?
and yes dear one...hiding this stuff is tough, and disappointing and can make you (me) feel lonely sometimes. so i'm SO glad you came here!
*************
hopefully by the time you read my response you are feeling much better.
Posted by B2chica on December 18, 2008, at 8:40:06
In reply to Re: (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that » LadyBug, posted by rskontos on December 13, 2008, at 14:29:57
> you are so right it is so easy now for me to go from dry-eyed to cry-baby state in zero to full out in nano-seconds. That is why I feel like a mess and even when I am calm I know that it is a lie because I can unravel quickly these days.
this might sound bad but what you describe above is Actually a GREAT sign of progress in your therapy! i've been there and for someone like me who has NEVER been a crier..it was REALLY hard to get used to or accept or deal with. but my T has worked with me and made her 'space' such a safe place for me that now i'm able to do 'most' of my breakdowns (if you will) in her office.
i think that's the next step for you.
right now things are going to seem like they are out of control and you might feel like an emotional wreck! but when things have been bottled up for SOOOO many years when they come out they sort of explode...once it starts to flow though, now you can start to shape where its safe to do it and when...(this may take a long time to accomplish) for me it was probably d@mn near a year.
well the first year i dealt with my memories and flashbacks, and once i met my 'now' T. i had a year to 'get to know her', then since i had already delt with the initial memories, i could focus more on dealing with the emotions.but since you dont have to worry about switching T's inbetween it could be sooner for you.
********************
remember dear one this took many years to happen to you so it can't just be done with a few months in therapy. it all takes its sweet (slow) time. kinda like molasses at times :~)BUT again this is Great Progress. which proves you are moving FORWARD ok? this is all good.
just remember to be kind of gentle to yourself while you are going through all of this.
and PLEASE don't leave. keep posting. even if it's not about 'topic'. it can be about weather for all it matters. just keep giving voice to yourself.
ly dearly
b2c.
Posted by antigua3 on December 19, 2008, at 22:05:31
In reply to (trigger) out of nowhere comes a sadness that ..., posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:29
I'm sorry you're being triggered. It's an awful thing, but pls remember, you will get through it. It's horrible to have to go through it to get to the other side, but you will make it, and the other side can be peaceful. Please take good care of yourself.
antigua
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