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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
the final week of the semester. I had 5 papers due today and a final exam to write. It's done with though. All finito.
Unfortunately, my mind has slowly been cracking up. I gave a presentation yesterday morning that gave me 15 minutes of shaking in the car in the parking lot afterwards. A classmate gave me a hug. It was a presentation about suicide.
I just keep having these odd thoughts, and things like seeing my cat's face in the car with me. I do a double-take and of course she's not in the car with me. I must be losing my marble. just one. singular. that's all i ever had...
and I can't find words. things like "definitely" or "excitement". Writing all those papers must have damaged my language areas. I feel broken.
Worst of all is that I wrote a very self-disclosing analysis about myself and abuse history and therapy-work and all that stuff as part of the psychoanalysis course I was taking. It was gut wrenching. I dunno if I've ever told my T some of the stuff I was talking about in that paper. It was pretty heavy stuff to process. Mostly the disturbing stuff was the way in which the therapeutic process has changed the way I think about myself in this world. I think of the before and after.
I decided to go back on Abilify, low dose. Since I'm not sleeping well, and I seem to be prone to "sensory disturbances" hm. and racing thoughts, and and and. yeah. not good stuff.
Had a huge moodswing yesterday. EPIC proportions. felt like a true "bipolar moment" ahhh. well, not really, but it certainly wasn't in the realm of "adaptive emotional response".
Okay, I go to bed now. Maybe Santa will come while I'm sleeping.
Oh, and reckless behavior. Saying odd and provocative things in class. Some of them quite hilarious, but I was appalled that *I* was saying them. strange thing, to have a disconnect between mouthg and brain.
nght
ll
Posted by muffled on December 10, 2008, at 21:55:34
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
Major stress is hard.
You've had ALOT.
Take special care and be good to yourself.
(((((((((LL))))))))))
M
Posted by Recently on December 10, 2008, at 22:14:59
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
Hi LL -
Finals are the worst. But congratulations for getting everything done! That's a major accomplishment - Be proud of yourself. Hopefully now you can take it a bit easier, and things will be a bit more calm.
Take care,
Recently
Posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 7:34:56
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by Recently on December 10, 2008, at 22:14:59
Llurpsie,It really has been a tough week, hasn't it?
(((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))
(cyber hugs = safe hugs and warm thoughts)
Lucie
Posted by B2chica on December 11, 2008, at 8:14:52
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
i would be likely to guess describing your class it's been more like a tough semester!
wow, what incredible progress you've made.
sounds like you did some Incredible work. and you are now in need of a Major brain drain!
you were shaky cuz you just served your soul on a platter to strangers...VERY understandable. but wow, what you did was incredible. SOOOO proud of you.i think you should
1.sleep for a week
2.get some physical exercise
3.watch 3 movies in a row
4.take a hot bubble bath and drink chocolate shake at same time!and deary i will guarantee Santa will be there for you this year!
you been a good girl!**********
understand totally your 'sesory disturbances'. does the abilify seem to work for you?
i've been considering that instead of my old standby zyprexa.Take Care You.
b2c.
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:23:40
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
LL,
It is so understandable how you felt. It is what I called to my t getting caught in the mall with no clothes on, or caught in the bathroom with your pants down. It is just plain uncomfortable.
You bared your soul and that is tough. But I think in the end you will find some solace in all that work. Tough as it were.
I too am proud of you!!!
take B2c advice and just relax. Your mind and body deserve some respite.
rsk
Posted by Phillipa on December 11, 2008, at 13:01:45
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:23:40
LL hope you're better today and got good sleep and abilify worked well. Your progress is incredible so many stresses this past two years. Congrats on the semester being over. Love Phillipa
Posted by Nadezda on December 11, 2008, at 15:35:11
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
It's good to take the abilify. that should help considerably. And, as others have said, relax, do the things that you know take you away from the world, and give you some release from it all.
How has therapy changed the way you see yourself? You mean by bringing up and focusing your thoughts on the bad memories, experiences, feelings? Or giving you an idea of yourself that somehow contradicts the idea you had for all these years?
(Don't answer if it's not a good day for that-- or not a good month or year. I just wondered. )
Finishing up is hard-- working yourself into the crescendo of activity required for the realization of the thing-- or maybe facing the ultimate moment when it all should-- or you imagine it should-- culminate in some grand or dispiriting way. Maybe?
and besides, you haven't lost control, maybe you felt yourself veer a bit-- but -- you 've taken steps to keep your racing thoughts and leaping marble from shooting too fast and too far off-track. That's a very good thing.
I still say being a bit extreme isn't a bad thing-- as long as you know when, and have the means, to step away from it. Which you;re learning. It's really okay. And you've started on a new path, and made your way down it, which I do think is a really significant thing.
Nadezda
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:21:07
In reply to tough week, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 10, 2008, at 21:43:23
You guys are very kind, and gentle with me
I will try to find some time to respond to each of you in turn.
Thank you for being proud of me. My suicide presentation included a friend, a professor, an uncle. I referred to them as 3 "cases" and did not elaborate on my specific relation to them. I wonder what these folks would have thought, hearing me talking about their crescendo of despair with a classroom of complete strangers. Maybe they were there. It was the kind of class where "anything goes" collective unconscious etc.
speaking of which. my book on Jung is missing, and overdue at the library. H is giving me hell about it. At this very moment I am supposed to be looking for it. HA! but the truth is that I've already turned over everything in the house, and I'm about 97% certain that the book never left the house.
So thank you for being proud of me.
I don't think most people understand how important it was to me that I could do well with a full course-load, a job, and a long commute to both. But I survived. Albeit with less marble.
I took the abilify 5mg last night. Still having the sensory disturbances, but possibly? the thoughts aren't so racing?
Shoot, I have to go, h is asking about the book again.
later darlings,
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:26:53
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by muffled on December 10, 2008, at 21:55:34
hi muffled,
I will try to take care of myself. I have a quite busy week next week, at work, preparing to take a week off for Xmas.I think the best I can do is try to get 9 hours of sleep and maybe listen to some relaxing meditations.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:29:32
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by Recently on December 10, 2008, at 22:14:59
Hi Recently, I hope things will get calm soon.
I'm not sure if I've posted to you before, also, keep in mind that my marble is dislocated. It's nice to meet you at any rate.
I'm glad that you see it as an accomplishment. For my peers, it's all in a day's work, and they don't really "get" it.
I was basically non-functional for some time. I think my brain is functional at this point.
((((brain and mind))))
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:31:03
In reply to Re: tough week » Recently, posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 7:34:56
>
> Llurpsie,
>
> It really has been a tough week, hasn't it?Ja, for sure...
>
> (((((((((((((LL)))))))))))))))
>
> (cyber hugs = safe hugs and warm thoughts)
>
> LucieThanks Lucie- are you sending me some eggnog? I luv me some nog. Safe hugs are good too. thanks,
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:38:49
In reply to Re: tough semester!!, posted by B2chica on December 11, 2008, at 8:14:52
> i would be likely to guess describing your class it's been more like a tough semester!
> wow, what incredible progress you've made.
((((b2chica)))) thank you- I've missed you, and so happy to see you again.
> sounds like you did some Incredible work. and you are now in need of a Major brain drain!hmmm, like some Gray's Anatomy?
> you were shaky cuz you just served your soul on a platter to strangers...VERY understandable. but wow, what you did was incredible. SOOOO proud of you.
>
> i think you should
> 1.sleep for a weekI have to work :(
> 2.get some physical exercise
Weather-depending... but yes, this is a wonderful concept... ;)
> 3.watch 3 movies in a row
Llurpsie's not much of a movie person. I got out of the habit when I was super PTSD and triggery, and I never really felt that it was missing from my life. HOwEVER, I *will* take this opportunity to read some trashy novels and stuff like that.
> 4.take a hot bubble bath and drink chocolate shake at same time!
oooh! fun! this sounds like the right kind of "sensory disturbance" good idea!
>
> and deary i will guarantee Santa will be there for you this year!
> you been a good girl!
>
> **********
> understand totally your 'sesory disturbances'. does the abilify seem to work for you?Well, it has worked in the past. I've been off of abilify for about 4 months now, but gradually things have been getting more intolerable. Stress-exacerbated, most likely. I cannot take zyprexa. I have some emergency PRN zyprexa 10mg that I take when I feel like my one marble is falling through space. It gives me a horrible hangover, makes me comatose for at least 12 hours, and lowers my IQ by about 50-70 pts. Also gives me munchies. I give you kudos if you can handle zyprexa. most impressive! You may find abilify to agitate you. Some find it activating. I have always taken 5-10 mg, but people taking smaller doses frequently report a very different side-effect profile.
I'm sure /medication/ will have some interesting info there.
> i've been considering that instead of my old standby zyprexa.
>
> Take Care You.
> b2c.and you too!
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:44:56
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 11:23:40
hi rsk,
It's funny-- when I told my professor my idea, he was rather intrigued, and concerned. He thought it was a really interesting topic, but when he heard that I was writing about my own personal experiences, he gave me the option of not presenting, and writing a paper instead. Well, I did both, so I'm feeling a little smug. The paper is more like a journal, with clippings from newspapers and other tidbits. Personal reflections. not so much academic gunk.I was really scared to present this stuff. Prof told me to use my best judgment, and not to talk about more than I was ready to talk about. I was amused when he said "We don't want to have to carry you out on a stretcher". Well, I probably could have used a stretcher. But a few tears and a panic attack, in the privacy of my car was okay, I suppose. Being in a haze sure makes a long drive go faster. hmmm
I'm glad I went through with it. I might have wondered, otherwise. My classmates got a lot out of it, I believe. They were riveted, and a lot of discussion followed. As for solace-- perhaps? maybe on the horizon?
((((respite))))
_ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:45:56
In reply to Re: tough week, posted by Phillipa on December 11, 2008, at 13:01:45
Thanks Phillipa for your kindness. I hope abilify works for me too.
-Ll
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:55:10
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by Nadezda on December 11, 2008, at 15:35:11
> It's good to take the abilify. that should help considerably. And, as others have said, relax, do the things that you know take you away from the world, and give you some release from it all.
>
> How has therapy changed the way you see yourself? You mean by bringing up and focusing your thoughts on the bad memories, experiences, feelings? Or giving you an idea of yourself that somehow contradicts the idea you had for all these years?
>NAd! my brain is dead, woman! I will try my best to respond, but please keep your hopes down :)
My T has always been optimistic and is good at pointing out my strengths. I think he's working on helping me experience men in a different way. Giving me some space to kind of relax and very very gradually let my guard down. Sometimes he makes me mad, like with that joke last week. I brought it up right away at the beginning of last session.
He said-- I bet I know what's coming.
I reminded him of the joke, and told him that it didn't make me feel comfortable, and that it was insulting.
He got kind of serious, quite serious even. abruptly. It was alarming
"Well llurp, this is just one of those things that you're going to have to accept, because I didn't mean to offend you. Sometimes I'm going to say the wrong thing"At this precise moment, his cat walked in, pushing a closed door open. magical! Of course I had to oooh and aahh over the cat, who I haven't seen since he was a tiny kitten. etc etc.
And I didn't really have any desire to continue to seek an apology, when it wasn't apparent that I was going to get one. I did sense a distinct regret and guilt from him-- that he wished he had never said that. But he never actually said "I'm sorry..."
strange.
> (Don't answer if it's not a good day for that-- or not a good month or year. I just wondered. )
>
> Finishing up is hard-- working yourself into the crescendo of activity required for the realization of the thing-- or maybe facing the ultimate moment when it all should-- or you imagine it should-- culminate in some grand or dispiriting way. Maybe?Maybe. I really pushed my mind to the brink, working nearly constantly since Thanksgiving on very thinky stuff. writing paragraphs in the evening, etc. books. articles. procrastination on pbabble...
>
> and besides, you haven't lost control, maybe you felt yourself veer a bit-- but -- you 've taken steps to keep your racing thoughts and leaping marble from shooting too fast and too far off-track. That's a very good thing.
>
> I still say being a bit extreme isn't a bad thing-- as long as you know when, and have the means, to step away from it. Which you;re learning. It's really okay. And you've started on a new path, and made your way down it, which I do think is a really significant thing.
>
> Nadezda
>
>Awww, thank you Nad. I'm still amazed that you and others are noticing and remarking on my progress. It's really encouraging. Thank you :)
I will talk more about therapy soonish. for now I have to watch TopChef.
-Ll
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 19:03:07
In reply to Re: tough week » rskontos, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 11, 2008, at 18:44:56
Well,
it may take a while for your mind and soul to catch up with you but I think in the end it might be so much more than you realized to help you with healing.I mean you are an inspiration to me. I have a problem with disclosure and you, LL took it to an new level.
I am so proud of you!!!
You give me hope.
rsk
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 12, 2008, at 18:47:20
In reply to Re: tough week » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 19:03:07
I had therapy this morning. I was all over the place. Talking miles a minute, and jumping from one topic to another, midsentence.
Well, if free-associating is healing, I did a LOT of it today.
T had a scratch on his finger from playing with his cat this am. It kept on bleeding. At one point I looked at him and said- you're bleeding- and then went right on with my story.
He was nice and supportive about my bad week. we explored why it is that I always seem to put myself in psychologically dangerous territory. I still have no answers for that.
Still his finger is bleeding. He said he was on plavix, and sometimes his blood doesn't clot right away. oh. so, don't attack the cat! but he can't help it! He has a lot of scratches, typically. Especially when the cat was a kitten. But this was the first bleeder.
I keep talking. he tries to stop the blood with a kleenex. then he finds a band-aid in his desk drawer. I remark that he's performing triage- bleeders first, psychos second. haha
we got around to scheduling. He reminded me that I'll see him 2x next week. Then he said something interesting - "Don't worry, you'll be cared for next week". I thought that was nice. He's never really referred to caring for me, or therapy as a caring relationship. Or even therapy as healthcare. Care has so many meanings... But I thought that was illuminating. (((((T)))))
I think maybe? I'm starting to feel a little slower. Maybe my mind is starting to return to normal speed limits.
Well, I hope your Fridays are nice. Thanks for reading. :)
This is the end of the thread.
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