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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
This is my first time posting here. I have been reading the messages for awhile, but was never motivated to write until now.
I have been seeing my current T for about 8 years. In the last few years, my feelings of love (= transference) have really grown intense. I cannot stop thinking about her. It feels like an obsession. I recently told her that I googled her and she said that it was an invasion of her privacy and she wanted to know all the things that I found out about her. So I told her.
The reality is that I want to know more info about her even still. At the same time, I feel terrible... and am afraid that she will be angry with me. On one hand she wants complete honesty and on the other I think it ticks her off that I have done this.
Do I continue to be honest with her?
Thanks.
Posted by Kath on December 2, 2008, at 21:09:14
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
> This is my first time posting here. I have been reading the messages for awhile, but was never motivated to write until now.
~ ~ ~ Welcome! ~ ~ ~
>
> I have been seeing my current T for about 8 years. In the last few years, my feelings of love (= transference) have really grown intense. I cannot stop thinking about her. It feels like an obsession. I recently told her that I googled her and she said that it was an invasion of her privacy and she wanted to know all the things that I found out about her. So I told her.
>
> The reality is that I want to know more info about her even still. At the same time, I feel terrible... and am afraid that she will be angry with me. On one hand she wants complete honesty and on the other I think it ticks her off that I have done this.
>
> Do I continue to be honest with her?
>
> Thanks.~ ~ ~ Jeez - that's a hard situation to be in!! I've never had anything like this happen, but I know lots of people here have, so hopefully you'll get good input.
You know, I find it sort of odd that she'd call it an invasion of privacy. I mean whatever can be found on the internet is the WHOLE WORLD's information! And I find it sort of strange that she wanted you to tell her everything that you found out.
I don't understand WHY??? It seems really weird to me. Any comments anyone else?
It almost seems like she was dealing with HER feelings/issues!!!Ya know, if you do find out more & decide to tell her & if she asks you to tell her what you learned, I'd be tempted to ask her why she wants to know! I also think that if she asks you for details or whatever, I might be tempted to ask her to help you deal with your surfacing feelings - to actually deal with the FEELINGS part of it!!
I hope others give you some input.
Warm thoughts, Kath
Posted by onceupon on December 2, 2008, at 22:10:12
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Welcome, OneGoodRoad. I'm glad you posted. Even though I'm not a very frequent poster, I've found this place to be quite supportive.
I agree with Kath that your therapist's response seems a little extreme. I imagine you've read others' posts about having googled their therapists. While therapists' responses seem to lie on a continuum (that's probably connected with the degree to which they are "internet savvy"), one would hope that most if not all therapists in this day and age are aware of the potential for being googled by clients and checking up themselves as to what information about them is available online.
Given that you've seen this therapist for 8 years, I imagine that you've been through quite a lot together. How has she handled previous conflicts in your relationship? How have you handled them? Have you shared with her the source of your desire to know more about her? Since you're asking whether you should continue to be honest with her, what negative consequences do you imagine might come up as a result of being honest? Do you feel like you could share your perception that she's angry with you?
Posted by LadyBug on December 2, 2008, at 22:11:40
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Welcome to Babble! It's a wonderful place to hang out!
I feel that doing a search on Google for your T is pretty normal. I've done it. Years ago I told my T that I found her house on the internet when she had it listed to sell. She said, "well, it is the internet and whatever is on there is public so I can't stop anyone from searching".
Your T must have been worried that you found some "dirt" or something.
You have to decide what feels ok to you.I've been seeing my same T for over 11 years now and I've always been curious of her in many ways. I've asked questions and some of them she's answered and some she kept private just for that reason.
Honesty is the best way to be. She must understand that this stuff happens! And T's are aware that it does.
LadyBug
Posted by Recently on December 2, 2008, at 22:31:55
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Hi OneGoodRoad,
Welcome, I'm a newbie here too. In fact the first topic I posted on (only a few days ago) was this very one. I think Googling your therapist is normal, and you shouldn't feel bad. As others have said, the net is public knowledge and I think your therapist responded harshly and too defensively. In any case, I must commend you for you bravery in admitting your Googling. I myself don't have that bravery yet. I hope your T will be able to work through her feelings about this (since she seemed to have a strong reaction). She should want to work through this with you - not shut you down or make you feel bad.
Recently
Posted by FindingMyDesire on December 2, 2008, at 23:58:23
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Hi OneGoodRoad,
Welcome! I like your username. :-)I just got back from my therapy session where I brought up a past incidence where I had Googled my T. I still have guilt about it. But it has been a very good stimulator for meaningful work about my intense feelings for my T, my desire to know and love her, but at the same time (for me) not *really* wanting to know these facts. My T used it as an opportunity to talk about how much more able I am to imagine anything about her (while deep in my transference I guess) the less I actually know about the facts of her life. She also emphasized how much I already know of her in relation to me.
When you think about how much you know of your T from your 8 year relationship with her, what does that feel like? How well do you feel you know her?
I'm really, really hoping (as others have said) that your T just had a reaction for some reason and she will be able to come back and meet you for further discussion and an opportunity for connection on this. It is totally normal to Google your T. AND maybe it would be good to talk about why you want to know more while being very, very kind to yourself. I'm not so good at remembering the being kind to myself part so I'm just passing that along. Be gentle with yourself while you are feeling such intensity around your attachment.
I've been seeing my T for 2 years now and I am thick in what feels like obsession too. It is a really, really tough place to be in. AND it seems to be teaching me a lot about myself which is pretty cool.
I'd go for honesty. It's all about the connection and even if there is conflict and it is hard, hopefully it will move past that and further deepen your relationship.
FMD
Posted by jouezmoi on December 3, 2008, at 4:33:32
In reply to Re: Intense Tranference with my T, posted by FindingMyDesire on December 2, 2008, at 23:58:23
Welcome onegoodroad. I love this board. The people here are great! I hope you benefit from it and share and feel accepted here.
I think it took you a long time to reach to this stage. Some people get there in months.
Maybe your Ts reaction was to find out what you were thinking or feeling about what you saw, rather than what you actually saw. If not, then her reaction is not normal. Most Ts expect you to do this and take it in stride.
Posted by OneGoodRoad on December 3, 2008, at 18:48:43
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Thanks everyone for your responses. To my surprise and delight, just having this support helped a great deal.
I had another session today and we discussed the issue further and it seems she has calmed down quite a bit.. though she still sees a google search as an invasion of her privacy. I don't think she is gonna change on this one.
She thinks I will do anything to not have to focus on my pain, which includes googling her!
While I am here feeling that I am in love with her she contends that it is just me trying to cope with my pain. I know she is right. It is hard to let it go. So hard that I think it's impossible and how many times can I just bring up the same old stuff with my T?
Confession: I have BPD and have gone off my meds. I told my T that I am not taking my meds and she is very concerned and says I am out of control right now. I will start my meds again tomorrow.
Thanks All.
OGR
Posted by OneGoodRoad on December 3, 2008, at 18:49:19
In reply to Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 2, 2008, at 19:32:04
Thanks everyone for your responses. To my surprise and delight, just having this support helped a great deal.
I had another session today and we discussed the issue further and it seems she has calmed down quite a bit.. though she still sees a google search as an invasion of her privacy. I don't think she is gonna change on this one.
She thinks I will do anything to not have to focus on my pain, which includes googling her!
While I am here feeling that I am in love with her she contends that it is just me trying to cope with my pain. I know she is right. It is hard to let it go. So hard that I think it's impossible and how many times can I just bring up the same old stuff with my T?
Confession: I have BPD and have gone off my meds. I told my T that I am not taking my meds and she is very concerned and says I am out of control right now. I will start my meds again tomorrow.
Thanks All.
OGR
Posted by lucie lu on December 4, 2008, at 17:23:41
In reply to Re: Intense Tranference with my T, posted by OneGoodRoad on December 3, 2008, at 18:49:19
Welcome, One Good Road. I find it hard to call you OGR, because you seem anything but (an ogre). How about something like Good Road? Or just Good? My problem only - a rose by any other name should smell as sweet ;)
> Thanks everyone for your responses. To my surprise and delight, just having this support helped a great deal.
>
> I had another session today and we discussed the issue further and it seems she has calmed down quite a bit.. though she still sees a google search as an invasion of her privacy. I don't think she is gonna change on this one.
>
> She thinks I will do anything to not have to focus on my pain, which includes googling her!
>
> While I am here feeling that I am in love with her she contends that it is just me trying to cope with my pain. I know she is right. It is hard to let it go. So hard that I think it's impossible and how many times can I just bring up the same old stuff with my T?
>
> Confession: I have BPD and have gone off my meds. I told my T that I am not taking my meds and she is very concerned and says I am out of control right now. I will start my meds again tomorrow.Without knowing what meds you are on, I can say from experience that people in our lives often do feel uncomfortable if they know we've unilaterally stopped taking our regular meds. The problem is that it tends to make our actions and thoughts somewhat suspect - is it just the meds change talking? Your T does seem to be wanting to address some of these issues, which are significant ones to begin with - privacy, love, desires to merge, and pain, all within the context of your therapeutic relationship. And of course she will want to make sure that the meds are not a factor. You might do well to hold off on addressing the more sensitive issues until you are stabilized on the meds that you are supposed to be taking (or if you don't want these, deal with your pdoc about them, but don't ignore it). Then your T will probably feel more comfortable that she is talking to the you who is "you" and not an artifact of the med changes.
This is not to say that I don't believe that any of the things you have said are created by the medications! You must know from reading on this board how ubiquitous these issues are. It's just that your T will probably feel more comfortable discussing them if she feels you are not in a fluctuating state of mind.
Good luck, Good Road!
Lucie
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