![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:31:06
I am feeling less morbid, but still depressed
things aren't working out so well
so, as I am less interested in morbid things at the moment, I am letting my attention move to other things
I don't know what I want
I do want people to care about me though
so what is the point of therapy?
well it has done a lot, but what now?
I can't detach from my therapist right now unless I am forced to do so, and I really hope I am not I just can't go solo yet, so I hope he does not banish me.
but if one is going to go to therapy, then I guess they better be making some type of progress or attempt at progress
I figured I'd just start with what I'd like to change in my life, and see where it goes from there.
Functioning is a necessity, and not throwing myself down into some dark pit might help. I could fall into one anyway, no need to go looking for them.
I've got an outline started
it's lame, but it's something
Posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
In reply to it seems I may need to restructure myself..., posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:31:06
pick one...make up one...whatever you like
I'd love to hear it!1) What are you working on in therapy?
2) What led you into therapy?
3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?
4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
6) What have you gained from therapy?
7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 24, 2008, at 6:51:09
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> pick one...make up one...whatever you like
> I'd love to hear it!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?self-esteem, and terror of older men>
>
> 2) What led you into therapy?I was utterly non-functional and suicidally depressed. not eating, sleeping, or working. just thought about dying all the time
>> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
problems? huh? nah, not ME!
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?
>
>when it's regular and scheduled part of my life
> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
yes, but probably because I have had 3 T's in 3 years.
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
>self-esteem
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
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>
better control over my moods. not to get freaked out so much by my own inner states. just to "surf through" the negative crap going on upstairs, not to become too attached to my neurotic/psychotic stuff.> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
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I think so.> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
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I dunno.> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
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probably the present me>
> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
>"do you care about me?"
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>and a question for you- why does my kitten adore eating cookies?
Sid,
Things sound so rough for you right now. I hope that you can get some relief soon. Please remember that you are a very special babbler, and that we care lots about you. I still remember when we were seroquel buddies :) zzzZZZzzztake good care today, k?
-Ll
Posted by Dinah on November 24, 2008, at 8:06:21
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> I do want people to care about me though
I care about you. I think lots of people at Babble do, and I find it hard to believe lots of people not at Babble don't care for you as well.
> so what is the point of therapy?
Well, I rather hate to be so pragmatic, because I know it annoys me when I am, but I guess I see it as to improve our day to day functioning. Whatever other benefits I get are secondary.
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?When no other crisis takes precedence, my current goal is to develop lovingkindness and generosity of spirit. For purely selfish reasons. (Well not purely, but that's the *therapy* purpose.)
> 2) What led you into therapy?
Panic attacks resulting from OCD fears. They were getting worse since I'd gotten married and become something resembling an adult in the real world.
> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
Depends on the client and therapist, I'd guess. For me it was becoming attached to someone who was not particularly attached to me. And fighting that out.
> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?
Fighting to relationship. Discovering my emotional side. Learning CBT skills. I suppose on his part, I found his steady evenkeeled presence the most helpful thing to do all that. That he learned not to push. And that when I push, he generally steps nimbly aside and lets me fall towards growth.
> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
Oh yes. Bound to in all this time.
> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?Yes. As I've grown older, and perhaps partly because of psych meds or perhaps because of my health, I find it harder and harder to stay motivated, stay awake, etc. I don't think I'm as smart as I used to be, and that makes me feel bad about myself. Oh, and I can't seem to shake my social anxiety.
> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
A lot really. I think mainly a sort of centeredness. Which is relative of course. I'm not a terribly centered person.
> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?In that office, he cares very much. Outside the office, he cares, but I understand the level of his caring.
> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
What is the old saw? I can't regret anything that happened, because it all brought me to where I am today.
> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
My emotional self. Not from the past, no.
> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
Well, the questions I do ask tend to be "Am I a good girl?" "Is everything going to be ok?" "Can I call you if I need to?" "Am I special to you?"
The stuff I should ask is all secondary.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on November 24, 2008, at 8:17:04
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> pick one...make up one...whatever you like
> I'd love to hear it!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?Nothing specific.....he's my support (after being married to an abuser for 31 years and divorced.
>
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> 2) What led you into therapy?
My reason for going to therapy is probably different from everyone else's: He is a pastor as well, and expert in spiritual abuse. I went to him, because unless I agreed to "reconcile" my church was going to vote me out of membership; my t journeyed with me for the 18 months in which I fought the system.
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> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
Falling in love. This is what happened to me.
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful? No
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy? Yes
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
cant make myself NOT love him.
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
Even though I love someone I cannot have, he will always be part of my soul. He was the 1st person to ever stand up for me in my life.
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
No question.....he said years ago, "Isn't it enough that I love you."
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
No.
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?Not really; I feel in the now (of course there's always the subconscious working)
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?None.....
Perhaps the question I should ask him is why has he led me on? I just can't right now. I deserve that answer.
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Posted by onceupon on November 24, 2008, at 12:38:48
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
Great questions!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?On the surface, figuring out my relationship with my husband, reducing symptoms of depression, etc. Below that, learning to deeply trust, be more present with others, and allow myself to be vulnerable. Among other things.
> 2) What led you into therapy?This go around, it was postpartum depression. Things kind of branched out from there :)
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> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?For me, large gaps (2-3 weeks) between sessions leads to much less continuity (obviously). Frustration at wanting more from my therapist than she can realistically provide, and working through the shame associated with that over and over and over again.
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?Presence means a lot to me. I'm not sure if I can explain it adequately, but feeling as if my therapist is *with* me and is willing to stick with me through my confusion and agitation.
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?Yes. But I'm not sure I could outline the different stages very clearly.
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?Feeling disconnected from my life, as if I'm going through the motions.
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?An opportunity to look at myself through someone else's (much less judgmental) eyes. The support to speak my truth, as it were, even if it seems insignificant at times.
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?Yes, though I often wonder about the extent/boundaries of that caring.
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?I wish I had stuck with a previous therapist, but I moved away, so no such luck :) That aside, I'm not sure that I could have done anything differently. The process has unfolded in the way that it has unfolded.
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?There are two competing sides of me that show up in therapy - the competent professional and the vulnerable, scared sh*tl*ss child. They do constant battle for air time.
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?What is the purpose of my life? How do I find meaning? What role do relationships play in my life? Is it possible to feel deeply connected after years of being disconnected?
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Posted by Phillipa on November 24, 2008, at 13:26:22
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
I stopped mine she didn't care about me and always forgot homework she assigned and that hurt cause to me meant she forgot and didn't care and yes brought up to her and she acted like she hadn't assigned things changed the topic. it hurt. so left. Phillipa
Posted by lucie lu on November 24, 2008, at 16:59:38
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
Sid, I just want to say that when you are feeling bad, I always wish I could do more for you. But I do care, and always hope better things will be right around the corner for you :)
> pick one...make up one...whatever you like
> I'd love to hear it!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?Therapy is indeed a spiral. So we still revisit some of the same things that first brought me into therapy. Although now there's more emphasis on real-life issues, but therapy returns to old stuff when it needs to. Less work now on things like emotional regulation and tolerance of affect. (Got B+ on those already :)
> 2) What led you into therapy?
A pretty desperate sense that things really needed to change, that they couldn't go on as they had been. I was in too much pain, and I couldn't help my family deal with theirs.
> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
I found the whole attachment process both scary and painful. And therapy has probably encouraged more introspection in me than might be optimal. It certainly does give you a lot to think about.
And of course the money.> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?
Learning to make attachments, and the sense of being completely accepted for myself that my T offers me. Learning to trust has been hard-won but feels great.
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
>
Definitely.> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
Separation anxiety. In one form or another, just can't shake it. Probably never will. Best I can do is watch out for it so it doesn't catch me off-guard and keep remembering it is not catastrophic.
> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
>
Wow. Too many things to enumerate. Personal stability, coherent identity, interpersonal trust, and rejoining the human race. Emotional regulation. Family stability. Being able to help my kids.> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
Yes.
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?Yes, but nothing that was under my control at the time. Unfortunately.
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
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The need to integrate different parts of me has been central in my therapy. When I started, I very much felt like a "Raggedy Ann," a patchwork doll made up of clumsily sewed-together, mis-matched pieces. Now I really have a center - bit ragged around the edges maybe but solid and continuous. Sort of like Pinocchio becoming a real boy :)
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
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Who am I? Who are you? Am I fixed yet? (lol)
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Posted by twinleaf on November 24, 2008, at 18:48:01
In reply to Re: a therapy survey- anything you might want to share » obsidian, posted by lucie lu on November 24, 2008, at 16:59:38
That was a wonderful description of what therapy has done for you, lucie. You may have posted this somewhere, but how long have you been with your present therapist? I'm curious also, if you want to say, what things came first- was it attachment, trust, or dealing with painful affect and getting better regulated? Actually, I'm sure they were all happening at once, but was there a particular thing that happened early on that made you realize you were with the right person and going to get better?
Posted by turtle on November 24, 2008, at 20:44:21
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
Good questions! I have so enjoyed hearing what everyone is working on.
When I read your posts there are many ways that I identify with you. Many here are working to form a relationship with their therapist (as am I), but what I hear in you is the same struggle that I have to form a relationship with myself - both hating (and loving) being numb but not really knowing how to wake up and live either. It can really be painful to be fully self aware. All I can say is that I hope you don't give up trying.
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?Allowing the same compassion for myself that I give to others. Convincing myself to take the terrifying risk to attach. Being present and mindful. Not ignoring my emotions and pain. Remembering. Struggling to shift from wanting to not exist to wanting to live.
> 2) What led you into therapy?
Overwhelming depression and despair, which I blamed on someone else.
> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?Wanting more (time, connection, progress, relief) and not getting it. (Learning to ask, know what I need, and overcoming the fear of rejection is part of this for me.)
> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?Human connection and attention. Being seen by a real person.
> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?Year 1 - waking up from a lifetime of being in a completely unaware of myself (I might as well have been drooling on myself.) Year 2 - looking around (internally) and saying, "what kind of nightmare is this?! Wow, did I really dream this?" Year 3 - real work.
> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
Defining something as "can't get rid of" would mean losing hope I'm not there yet. I very much want to grow and change and I'm still making progress. It's all still up for grabs.
> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
Self awareness, even if compassion for myself isn't completely there yet.
> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
The concept still seems strange to me. Maybe it would scare me if she cared
> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
Fire my first therapist after the first year instead of suffering through a mismatched second year just to be terminated painfully.
> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
?
the scared part!
> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?Learning how to live in my own skin.
Posted by wishingstar on November 24, 2008, at 21:02:26
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
I just terminated with T today, so this is a little odd, but I'll do it anyway. Most questions still apply.
1) What are you working on in therapy?
I terminated today, but previously... mostly stress management related to work and relationship skills/coping with relationship issues.
2) What led you into therapy?
Severe recurrent depression... self-injury and suicidal thoughts.
3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?
Dependence and attachment. While valuable, they can also be very painful. Plus, money! It adds up... Oh, and doubting yourself and struggling to trust your own instincts.. when theyre good and when theyre not. Therapy sometimes confused that for me.
4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?
Feeling heard and validated. Absolutely the biggest thing for me.
4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?
I think so. And I've done very different work with different stages (parts?) of my life with different therapists.5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
The need to feel cared for and taken care of. A normal desire of course, but I'm so desperate for it.6) What have you gained from therapy?
I really dont know. I've come a long ways but I dont know if I could put a finger on what exactly has changed. I trust my instincts more and I'm stronger and more confident.7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
Yes, I do.8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?
There sure is, but I'm not sure exactly what.9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
The intellectual part. The part that is friendly, easy to get along with, and a thinker.10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
I'm not sure. Perhaps "am I good enough? what do I really deserve?" Something like that.
Posted by onceupon on November 24, 2008, at 22:01:34
In reply to Re: a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by turtle on November 24, 2008, at 20:44:21
Wow, turtle, just wanted to say that I feel like I could have written the first part of this verbatim - about the struggle to form a relationship with oneself, not knowing how to wake up and live, and everything you wrote about what you're working on in therapy. Even though I don't know you, it's kind of nice to think that I might have a fellow traveler on this strange trip :)
Posted by lucie lu on November 24, 2008, at 22:14:33
In reply to Re: a therapy survey- » lucie lu, posted by twinleaf on November 24, 2008, at 18:48:01
> That was a wonderful description of what therapy has done for you, lucie. You may have posted this somewhere, but how long have you been with your present therapist? I'm curious also, if you want to say, what things came first- was it attachment, trust, or dealing with painful affect and getting better regulated? Actually, I'm sure they were all happening at once, but was there a particular thing that happened early on that made you realize you were with the right person and going to get better?
>
Thanks, twinleaf. Those are good questions. I've been seeing him for 6 years. I liked him from the start because he seemed so gentle and quietly respectful, and very calm. That was good for me since I was anything but calm. (I'd be so agitated sometimes, I would literally pace in his office during our sessions, couldn't sit still.) So that was the first positive factor, that his demeanor calmed me down. The second was that early on he established a pattern of encouraging me to call him whenever I felt I needed to, and he'd always call back reasonably promptly. This started to establish a sense of safety for me since I was really emotionally unregulated and frequently seemed to be having one crisis after another. So this started the attachment process but it was really insecure. Another problem was that between my dissociating and lack of internal order, I had trouble achieving any sort of continuity between sessions. I couldn't hold onto our connection between sessions either. We went from once to twice a week, which helped enormously. I think that's when the real therapy began (it was year 3 by then). One of the first things we worked on was developing my boundaries, e.g. I was feeling other family member's pain far too much to be of use to anyone. We continued doing therapy around a lot of issues, e.g. object constancy, but my emotional dysregulation and mood lability (bipolar 2) was still a very big problem, especially given my themes of loss. My T finally suggested that my pdoc add a mood stabilizer, and that ended up making a huge difference. Then we really could work on mood regulation and affect toleration. With that piece in place, therapy was no longer quite so acutely activating/painful and I could start learning to take risks, including to really try trusting him. You wouldn't believe how much work that took... We then worked a lot on my fragmented sense of self and trauma issues - this definitely followed the mood stabilization and better life functioning in general, which had to be done first. We worked through some very painful issues around loss, but I was able to tolerate it. Gradually my trust and sense of self grew enough that my inner world started to comfortably include other people. My inner world had long been populated with shadowy figures who milled around in my head, never seeing me or making any contact; I was really pretty people-phobic. I remember so clearly when that changed in my head. I started having all these "revelations" about what "normal" life might feel like, about rejoining the human race (now the figures in my head at least say hi :) There were other milestones, too - realizing that I no longer felt like a donut, that I finally had a solid emotional center. And that I could be upset and not capsize, and I could tolerate intense feelings without panic and worrying that it would never end. I feel different inside, steadier, calmer, more integrated. I have been a much better parent and partner - we spent a lot of time working on that too, particularly when my kids really needed me a lot. We're still working on new areas but it's so different now - more like "regular" therapy, where you have a problem, you go talk to someone, and you solve it and go home :) Nothing like the early days. But we are now very close and there's a lot of mutual trust and caring. Something funny - I felt like a teen-ager inside when I started therapy. Now I feel like a woman my chronological age (mid-fifties). So I really did grow up in therapy. I find that remarkable.I don't remember there ever being a point when I knew I was going to make it, be healed. I still have some important issues remaining to work through. But I guess I do now have that confidence in him and me, that whatever needs to be worked on, we'll somehow get through it.
Sorry to give such a long-winded reply :)
Loquacious Lucie
Posted by workinprogress on November 24, 2008, at 22:26:58
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> pick one...make up one...whatever you like
> I'd love to hear it!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?Authenticity. Differentiation. Being ok with my needs and getting them met. Not flooding... "thinking about my feelings and feeling about my thoughts". Just good old sense of self, that gets worked on by just showing up and working on a healthy relationship with T.
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> 2) What led you into therapy?A really painful breakup that kinda knocked me on my a**.
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> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?Not a problem, but it is HARD work. It takes a lot of space/time. It sometimes gets worse before it gets better. It can be darned confusing...
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?My T.. her love. The relationship. Building that trust.
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?Yes. There's been the "just fix me stage", the "oh wow I had no idea there was so much to look at stage", the "I'm in the pit and a big sloppy mess stage", the "I'm totally crushed out on you- go away, no please don't leave me stage" and now the "settling in stage- I love you, you know it, you show me your love, we work on stuff".
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?feeling confident at work, not getting defensive
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?My life. I feel like T saved my life. I can be me, I know who that is, I'm not chasing approval, or trying to say/do "the right" thing, bc I'm ok with me. I know she's always in my corner and loves me regardless, so I can go out into the world and feel good about myself no matter how people respond.
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
>I know she does. It took me forever to get there, but I feel her love and I know it's real.
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?I think it's all part of the journey. I made her work really hard the last year and a half to get where we've gotten... but we both think it's worth it.
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?
The daughter wanting a mom...>
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?
How do I find, become, and celebrate me?>
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Posted by obsidian on November 25, 2008, at 9:55:59
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> pick one...make up one...whatever you like
> I'd love to hear it!
>
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?figuring out what I want from therapy
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> 2) What led you into therapy?being flooded by emotion, crying spells, anxiety, difficulty relating
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> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?attachment
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?being understood, having a space to talk about things and understand myself, being able to deal with fears
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?yes
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?sensitivity to judgment, fear of rejection/abandonment, the way I deal with anger
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?
a greater ability to deal with my emotions, a greater ability to communicate, a greater ability to form and maintain relationships, and with the medication- an increased ability to deal with anxiety and less depression
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?yes, but sometimes I don't think so.
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?I wish I could have said more in the beginning
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?yeah, I seem to be about 7 or 8
the part that is incredibly alone, afraid, confused
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?Do I matter?
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Posted by muffled on November 26, 2008, at 13:31:57
In reply to for my part......., posted by obsidian on November 25, 2008, at 9:55:59
we all ahve an impact on this world
we all have the capacity to help another
Posted by FindingMyDesire on November 26, 2008, at 18:54:49
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
> 1) What are you working on in therapy?
Gender and sexuality issues, relationship problems, major anxiety, shame, myfatherscriticalvoicethatsstillinmyhead
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> 2) What led you into therapy?It was a recommendation from our couple's therapist that I pursue individual therapy.
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> 3) What are some of the problems that may be associated with therapy?I have incredibly intense feelings of love and sexual attraction for my T, which makes sense because of the work I'm doing (and if you saw her...) but it also gets in the way of me taking up space with my whole self which is what I'm trying to do outside the office... but I'm sure all of that is a "problem" that will eventually prove important to the work...
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> 4) Is there some part of therapy or characteristic of therapy that you find especially helpful?My T is an incredible listener with an amazing memory. She keeps super boundaries which I need desperately. She is strong and consistent and caring. This all allows me to come in and talk about parts of me I feel are shameful or deserve to be squelched and because she remains caring, reflective, consistent, and encouraging, I leave feeling like I might possibly survive getting to know the various parts of myself that I repress.
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?Oh let's see. First I was totally crushed out. Then I was just crushed (hurt) about everything. Then she left me to go on maternity leave and that was a whole stage in and of itself. That was the sobbing stage - for three months. Then she came back. And then the trust grew stage - is growing - and I fight her quite a bit. But it's also the love stage. I'm just so in love with her. I'm in that stage right now. How long will that one last?
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?
Anxiety and a sense of shame for simply existing.
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?Some relief from anxiety and some sense that being me doesn't have to be shameful (see above).
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
>Yes. I finally do.
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> 8) Is there anything related to therapy that you wish you had done differently?I wished I had asked her about her sexual orientation on the first visit. She might have told me without fighting me so much on it months later...
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> 9) What part of you do you think is most active and/or present in therapy? is it a particular part of you from the past?I have a confusing mix of me stimulated in there - the adult who wants to be seen for where I sit on the gender/sexuality continuums, and the little child who is seeking a parental, unconditional connection without criticism.
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> 10) What is "the question" you might be asking in the therapy process?Can I relax enough, and trust in my connection to people enough, to just be all of me without self destructing from the shame and fear of it?
>Thanks for taking this survey!
FMD
Posted by Racer on November 26, 2008, at 20:10:13
In reply to a therapy survey- anything you might want to share, posted by obsidian on November 24, 2008, at 1:42:47
Well, since I am too wordy, I'll just take a couple...
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> 7) Do you think your therapist cares about you?
>I'll take this one first, as it's the easiest for me:
I believe absolutely that my therapist cares about me. I trust that she feels a great deal of affection for me. She certainly shows it, and I think she's too authentic to fake it.
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> 4) Do you feel like you have been through different stages in therapy?Absolutely. Too many too count, but the big stage-shift I went through involves transference. My T and I joke about that, because it was so hard for me -- I kept telling her, "no, I know too much about this process, it's just not going to happen." And, of course, I was slow to open myself up enough to experience that transference. When I did, it was a mistake she made, and I left a long voice mail for her saying, among other things, "...and on top of that, this is that d--ned transference that I said I wouldn't have." Since then, periodically something will come up, and I'll say, "Oh, F-you, if not for you, I wouldn't have had that lousy T-word!" and we'll both laugh.
Not only was opening up enough to feel it an accomplishment, so was the recognition that it took a long time because of trust issues I didn't even know I had.
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> 5) What's one problem that you can't seem to get rid of or something you have a hard time changing?Only one? ;-)
One would be my ingrained belief that 'recovery' will mean I've gotten rid of all the psychological screwiness -- and that I'll be THIN! I know, logically, that I won't be thin -- that's part of what recovery has to mean. I still don't actually accept that, though.
A corollary to that is my continuing need to be perfect. That's developing some signs of health, though.
I still have an almost overwhelming craving for physical affection from a man -- physical, not necessarily sexual. (I also want the sex, by the way.) That, and an almost overwhelming need to feel safe, protected, loved. (Gee, I wonder where that comes from, eh?)
Perhaps most difficult of all is developing a sense of self-efficacy. That's certainly a work in progress...
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> 6) What have you gained from therapy?I've learned to take pride in my accomplishments more openly. I even volunteered to someone one day that I'd made the top I was wearing, it was my own design, and I was very pleased with the way it turned out. That's something I'd never have managed even a year ago. Then, I might have mentioned that I had made my top if someone had asked about it; I might even have volunteered that I'd made it if someone complimented it. And then I would have proceeded to devalue its importance. "Oh, it's easy -- knitting is the easiest thing, anyone could have done it, etc."
Now I can say, "You know what? I'm proud of this top. And sure, anyone could have done it -- but I *did* do it, and I'm proud of the outcome." I've always felt that pride, but never been able to express it before. "Be modest, dear..."
Ah, the socialization of women, huh?
And I've learned to contradict my therapist -- which no doubt frustrates her at times. "No, that's not what I said -- and I meant what I said!" That's one hell of an accomplishment for someone as petrified of disapproval from an authority figure!
OK, enough from me.
Good survey question.
This is the end of the thread.
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