![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
What is wrong with parents who abuse their kids?
Why do people kill and hurt others?
Why do people in positions of authority abuse those they should protect?
Okay I know we are humans and we make mistakes, but abuse just seems not a mistake but an intention to hurt? Why must some people do this?
But then I see someone who did such a beautiful thing at my internship. The agency couldn't help the lady because she didn't meet the income qualifications. Then the lady I was job shadowing, wrote out a check for the lady (but the lady didn't know). A secret donation all because she cared. We need so much more people like this.
I guess I am just angry at the world. I keep trying to trust, but it is so hard when so many people in my life has let me down.Will I ever be able to get over the hurt from my first T? EMDR didn't take the pain away, nor talking about it for hours. Even sabotaging any future of a relationship, didn't help. I even quit the gym, even though he already did, it hurts to be there with those memories.
How do I let go? As much as I feel he was such a jerk what he did, why did I fall in love with him? Why do I still feel that part of him inside of me from day 1. I want to hate him but I can't even when he has hurt me so badly. Why can't I let go? I keep trying. I feel so foolish for falling for him, I knew our relational was wrong, but I didn't care, I wanted him in my life. Now I still miss the jerk. I want to write a letter to say I am sorry for what I did on the internet with his name. But yet, I know I probably won't hear from him. My lady T asked me last week if I knew that I probably won't ever be able to meet with him to wrap things up for myself. Will I feel this way about him forever? The loss I have felt because of him goes so deep inside of me, it hurts so much, it damaged me, truly. I am beginning to wonder if this is just one of those things I just have to live with.
Posted by seldomseen on October 21, 2008, at 6:46:18
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
We humans are such odd creatures. Sometimes I marvel at the things we are capable of - horrible, horrible things. Yet, we can also be so achingly loving and tender.
I guess, and this is the way I've reasoned it out for myself, nothing is ever all good or all bad. It certainly summarizes the human condition pretty well I think.
It sounds as though you are beginning to realize that about T1 as well. Obviously there were some good qualities in him or you wouldn't have loved him. You didn't fall in love with an unethical bastard, you fell in love with a man. Obviously there was some value in that relationship or you wouldn't grieve it the way you are.
As far as letting it go. Well, it's been my experience with heartbreak and loss that we really don't let it go. The pain, anger and loss will get less intense, but these kind of experiences change us forever.
That's not necessarily a bad thing. As adults I think we really do have some choices as to how things affect us and what meaning events will bring to our lives.
I also think it's important to realize that there is no "right" choice. It's all your path.
Of course, I've also found that gluing a picture of someone (or even just their name) to the bottom of my shoe and walking around all day on it helps a lot. ;)
Seldom
Posted by sassyfrancesca on October 21, 2008, at 8:44:55
In reply to Re: unanswerable questions, posted by seldomseen on October 21, 2008, at 6:46:18
Sweet twin: There is something called "The Question of Evil"----It is something that philosophers, etc...have wrestled with for centuries.
I think some people are cruel, because someone was cruel to them.
Some of us (abused) recognize what happened and vow to never abuse another human being.
Perhaps for your sanity (since I don't think your feelings for your old t will go away), you could meet with him and say what you need to. Could it be worse than what you are going thru and suffering now?
Restorative Justice: This is what you did, this is how it made me feel.
The most valuable words I ever learned in my life (from my t).
Love n Hugs, Sassy-twin
Posted by rskontos on October 21, 2008, at 10:38:56
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
HF,
In pondering your question, I am thinking about the bitter divorce my middle sister is going through. Her husband is Borderline Personality but he is cruel and twice held a gun to her head and her youngest son. Now was he born this way? He was adopted as an infant and far as we know no mistreatment by his adopted parents. Is this genetics or environment? Who the heck knows. I think like Seldom there is good and evil. I believe it exits within everyone in degrees. We all can have evil or bad thoughts but do we act upon them no. we learn to modify our behaviors. But when I say evil or bad, I mean like wanting to bump into a car in front of you that is going slow when you are in a hurry. Not like my BIL soon to be ex. Not like your mother or mine. Not like so many families that have one or both parents who just don't seem to care about the children they brought into the world. Or those people that go out and hurt others that are strangers. Or those that go out and rob, steal or kill. It just makes no sense.
If you believe in God you would say it is Free Will. If you don't, you say it is Human Nature. It is something that is pervasive throughout our human history though.
Your oldT hurt you. That is hard to understand. Especially when you when to him for therapy. To heal from already being traumatized from your childhood. He added insult to injury. I agree with Seldom you won't forget it. You may not ever forgive it. You will eventually move on but it has changed you because it was an experience you had. All experiences good and bad changes us. It is up to us how. Good luck sweetie in getting some peace. Unfortunately sometimes (well most times)getting that peace is up to us. Hard as it might seem to be to reach.
rsk
Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 11:46:01
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
Well maybe who know for sure, but yeah, now I have a cold. He had a cold when he hugged me on our last session, he was still contagious.
Posted by Phillipa on October 21, 2008, at 13:04:11
In reply to My old man T gave me something today, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 11:46:01
Sorry but that last post of yours was a bit funny. My thoughts is you just have to put one foot in front of the other and move onwards. You may not forget but like a death it will recede and someday not impact you as badly hopefully just be a bad memory. My thoughts are with you. Lots of sociopaths out there in the world. Stay safe. Love Phillipa
Posted by JouezMoi on October 21, 2008, at 18:35:33
In reply to My old man T gave me something today, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 11:46:01
Wow ... I wish my T or my pdoc would give me hugs .. whether they come with the flu or not. :)
Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 21:11:04
In reply to Re: My old man T gave me something today » happyflower, posted by JouezMoi on October 21, 2008, at 18:35:33
Mine never did, but since it was termination and my last appointment, he did. A lot of T's are like that.
Posted by healing928 on October 21, 2008, at 21:54:27
In reply to Re: My old man T gave me something today, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 21:11:04
My t gave me hug a few times, once when i went to rehab and I think there was one other time, just can't remember why. I terminated therapy when it was getting painful, he suggested a wrap up session, he was hesitant to hug me, so I asked if i could have a hug. I rehired him and haven't had a hug since then.
Posted by JoniS on October 22, 2008, at 0:45:48
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
HF
I'm sorry you're still hurting over old t. I can imagine having the same lingering feelings if I'd been in your situation. When you love someone, it's so damn hard to move on from the pain. I know that you are strong enough to overcome, in time, the feelings wont be so intense. I hope that new relationships in your future will generate such emotion, and happy-healthy interaction that old t pain will fade away.
take care
Joni
Posted by antigua3 on October 22, 2008, at 10:47:32
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
hi happyflower, who's not so happy... I feel badly for you and wish I could wave a magic wand to make all our troubles go away. But I can't.
For me, these feelings you describe are all too familiar; feelings I've had for different people in my life. They still come up for one of them when I'm wrestling with the underlying issue that triggers them.
Do you know what triggers you? Is it the new T? and talking about it again? Is there a core issue under these feelings that come from childhood that your new T can help you heal? It isn't just your T, IMO; there's something underneath it and everytime the feelings erupt for me, I know now to search underneath. I haven't solved this yet, and sadly may never, but I get stronger each time I deal w/it and the feelings lessen. Mine all derive from the insane love I had for my father as a little girl, despite what he did.
I hope your new T can help you. I think she can. You try so hard, you make my heart ache for you, for all of us.
antigu
Posted by raisinb on October 22, 2008, at 13:09:43
In reply to unanswerable questions, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2008, at 1:33:58
Hi Happyflower--
(Like the fact that you've gotten back to your old name btw).I am sorry you're hurting so much. It is hard to have so many intense feelings and not be able to work through them with the person involved. Not just "hard," actually--almost impossible. Just try to remember that despite that, people do it every single day. Otherwise, nobody would overcome CSA or any other terrible trauma inflicted by someone else. And you certainly have the "fight in you," as my mom would say, to do it.
Try not to generalize from what your old T did to questions about people in general. It's hard not to, I know, but eventually, maybe you can put him in his place--just one guy with his own issues who f**cked up your therapy. Other therapists--and other people--are going to be truly different from him. They can't help it; they're different people.
I don't know if this is true for you or not, but I realized late in my therapy that it wasn't really that I believed all people were like my parents. It was that I believed I carried something in me--some disease, or flaw--that *made* everyone do the same things to me that they did. It was this core belief, not necessarily what they did (though that caused it) that caused me a lot of terrible pain. I guess what I'm saying is, with your new therapist, try to work on that feeling of being "damaged," because that is a belief about you, not him, and that is something you can absolutely change.
Take care, I am sending you good thoughts.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.