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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cal on October 16, 2008, at 9:55:00
I realised today that I'm in that place again where I have lost T. I can think about her but its as if she is a distant memory. I can hear T saying "perhaps thats where you need me to be?" but no dam it, its not, I want her so close, I don't know what I want. I know she cannot be objective enought and be of any real use to me if it were any different. Now I Hear her saying, this is how it felt with your mother? and the expected answer is supposed to be, Yes, but NO dam it!, what about her and me? Why do I want this to be about T and not about my mother? I don't know, I guess because the hope of getting T to give into me in some way by showing her my pain would be lost if were just about my mother? Theres no possible chance of ever getting what I missed from "her" but from T? I guess I sense there is something there to be had? but I am too afraid to really accept it, let it be, allow it in. Perhaps the way I use to have to defend myself against harbouring any hopes of getting something better from "her" is repeating itself again. I am terrified of actually getting something more from T and seem to be stuck in a fantasy of wanting it but never getting it, but this time there is someone there that can give me more. I feel I am sabotaging myself, stuck in this supid fantasy, but its so scary, what if T gives me more and I then........what it is? what do I fear will happen? that she will then take it back? and then she will become just like "her", I'm afraid my wanting something from her will change her, will make her become angry and detest that she has to give me something? I cannot comprehend that she gives freely and has something to give and wants to give it and there would be no consequences for such a natural thing? I am terrified of the consequences. She may realise she doesn't like me after all and oh the pain would be unbearable.
Posted by lucie lu on October 16, 2008, at 16:20:08
In reply to Bleeding., posted by Cal on October 16, 2008, at 9:55:00
Cal,
I had trouble following some of your story, although the pain in your words comes through loud and clear. It sounds as though you want from your T the same things you wanted from your mother, is that right? And if so, then you are feeling the painful longings that have been discussed on recent threads? And it's hard for you to risk showing your real self in case you get rejected, which would reinforce your negative views about yourself? Please clarify, I would love to respond to you but want to make sure I'm responding appropriately.
Lucie
Posted by Cal on October 17, 2008, at 11:08:03
In reply to Re: Bleeding., posted by lucie lu on October 16, 2008, at 16:20:08
Hi Lucie lu, I thought I Had replied before now but it appears the cyber monkeys run off with my post :-(
I just want to thank you for taking the time to read through my stream of thoughts and trying to understand. Yes I think you have a good understanding of what I was saying. I saw T today and she said that I am pushing her out of my mind so as to protect myself from being hurt. I guess I knew that intellectually, but emotionally its like not so clear. I think the 2 extreme parts of me are coming together and then when they meet they split of again and one part sits on the cloud of hurt and the invinciple part of me is on the other cloud and the bit inbetween, the rational bit gets clouded out *sigh but today I feel more inbetween so less chaos.
Thank you.
Posted by muffled on October 17, 2008, at 12:30:25
In reply to Bleeding., posted by Cal on October 16, 2008, at 9:55:00
Hi, I completely and fully understand your post.
I dunno what the magic answer is.
For me it was just time.
It took time for me to trust and beleive in my T.
To be able to hold her internally w/o fear.
To get rid of all the false messaages I had inside about myself.
So be patient, it DOES get better.
Good luck.
M
Posted by lucie lu on October 18, 2008, at 17:17:20
In reply to Re: Bleeding., posted by Cal on October 17, 2008, at 11:08:03
> Hi Lucie lu, I thought I Had replied before now but it appears the cyber monkeys run off with my post :-(
>
> I just want to thank you for taking the time to read through my stream of thoughts and trying to understand. Yes I think you have a good understanding of what I was saying. I saw T today and she said that I am pushing her out of my mind so as to protect myself from being hurt. I guess I knew that intellectually, but emotionally its like not so clear. I think the 2 extreme parts of me are coming together and then when they meet they split of again and one part sits on the cloud of hurt and the invinciple part of me is on the other cloud and the bit inbetween, the rational bit gets clouded out *sigh but today I feel more inbetween so less chaos.
> Thank you.Cal,
Cyber monkeys! I like that. Certainly explains all my board "issues" - names I forget to put on, posts I forget to post. I used to think it was gremlins. But I like cyber monkeys better.
Muffled certainly seems to have understood where you are right now and I agree with her, there are no easy answers. There are a lot of threads recently talking about the same things: how hard it is to trust, to form deep attachments, balanced against how much we want to love and trust. How painful it can all be. But how rich and valuable it is when you manage to stick it out and work through the issues that brought you into therapy. We hear you, Cal, and empathize with you. Hang in there!
Best,
Lucie
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