Posted by Cal on October 16, 2008, at 9:55:00
I realised today that I'm in that place again where I have lost T. I can think about her but its as if she is a distant memory. I can hear T saying "perhaps thats where you need me to be?" but no dam it, its not, I want her so close, I don't know what I want. I know she cannot be objective enought and be of any real use to me if it were any different. Now I Hear her saying, this is how it felt with your mother? and the expected answer is supposed to be, Yes, but NO dam it!, what about her and me? Why do I want this to be about T and not about my mother? I don't know, I guess because the hope of getting T to give into me in some way by showing her my pain would be lost if were just about my mother? Theres no possible chance of ever getting what I missed from "her" but from T? I guess I sense there is something there to be had? but I am too afraid to really accept it, let it be, allow it in. Perhaps the way I use to have to defend myself against harbouring any hopes of getting something better from "her" is repeating itself again. I am terrified of actually getting something more from T and seem to be stuck in a fantasy of wanting it but never getting it, but this time there is someone there that can give me more. I feel I am sabotaging myself, stuck in this supid fantasy, but its so scary, what if T gives me more and I then........what it is? what do I fear will happen? that she will then take it back? and then she will become just like "her", I'm afraid my wanting something from her will change her, will make her become angry and detest that she has to give me something? I cannot comprehend that she gives freely and has something to give and wants to give it and there would be no consequences for such a natural thing? I am terrified of the consequences. She may realise she doesn't like me after all and oh the pain would be unbearable.
poster:Cal
thread:857711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857711.html