Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
I just need to vent a little bit:
Whenever something happens to disrupt a relationship, I just want to completely end it. I just want to be done with them. For example, if I have an argument with someone, no matter who is right/wrong or to blame it's almost like I would rather not have them in my life, than have them in my life and have a disruption. I have such a difficult time with ANYTHING that disrupts the connection that I have with people. This happens in all my intimate relationships (family, friends, boyfriend, T), but it makes things hard.
I know that the other person may not mean to hurt me, but it's so hard to deal with the hurt and the pain that I would rather not have known them at all. I also hate knowning that I have caused someone else pain.
I basically would rather not have anyone than to have someone and have them hurt me and me hurt them.
I know that sounds messed, but whatever I'm having a bad day.
Posted by lucie lu on October 12, 2008, at 8:38:15
In reply to Disconnected, posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
Jay,
I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. Do you know what prompted your response - was it something with a particular someone?
I had a few thoughts. The first was that you must have been hurt significantly before, that maybe you had a history of "unrepaired ruptures" with important people in your life. Did anyone, parents, friends, lovers, know how to repair ruptures in your relationship? If not, I could see why you'd be so sensitive to relational conflict and also why you'd rather avoid being hurt or hurting another than remain together. The second was do you (as I do) use avoidance as a defense? That is one of my biggies, and in relationships it tended to be manifest as a "walking away" (physically or emotionally) response, again trading loneliness and loss for safety. In retrospect, and ironically, I think the loss ultimately was more painful than its threat. My dysfunctional response was just the best I knew how to do. I had zero confidence that discord could be worked through or that, if handled well, could actually strengthen the relationship.
This whole problem is one that keeps reappearing in my therapy. I used to, or threatened to, use my "walk away" defense so many times in therapy, that it would have been funny if I hadn't been so upset at the time. I am still amazed that my T didn't simply roll his eyes (maybe he did internally) each time it happened. But he responded gravely and sensitively to each instance, and we would talk about it. Inwardly it would make me rejoice that someone would care enough to bring me back to the negotiating table instead of "terminating" me. That's how I became aware of how much my fears of abandonment were driving my behavior and assumptions. I know that in demonstrating care for me in the face of conflict, my T may have reinforced my behavior as "secondary gain." However, in responding as he did, my T not only kept me in the relationship but also modeled rupture and repair, a foreign concept to me, as well as the fact that his "regard" (still hate that word) for me was unbroken even during conflict. I only remember one time, when I was really angry and frustrated with him and got up to leave, that he snapped at me to sit down, that leaving would be totally non-productive. It was so rare a response from him, that I did sit back down, and we talked it out. Because of the high emotion evoked in both of us that time, it was a particularly powerful exchange and learning experience.
I'm interested to see that everything I've written so far has been phrased in the past tense because we still work on these issues on an ongoing basis, mostly in the context of my relationship with my DH. Do any of these thoughts and behaviors ring true for you? At any rate, sounds like the feelings you express are a rich area to work on with your T. They are concerns that seem particularly well suited for working out within a committed therapeutic relationship. So vent away, Jay! Copy your post and take it in with you to your next meeting. Could make for a very interesting conversation.
Anyway, I hope today is a better day for you :)
Hugs,
Lucie
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 12, 2008, at 12:16:48
In reply to Disconnected, posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
JayMac,
> I basically would rather not have anyone than to have someone and have them hurt me and me hurt them.
>This is exactly where I am living right now (and throughout my history I guess). I keep trying to pull myself out of that mental spin/loop, but I just slip back into it every time it seems. For me, the more I work on this with the T the closer I seem to get to being able to stay IN the relationship, but the DEEPER I slip away when I slip. But then I seem to be recovering more quickly after the crash. Is that progress or just a scarier roller-coaster ride?
Mentally I think of it more as removing myself from that person rather than "not having them" but I think it's coming from the same place.
Lucie Lu: Your sentence here, "I became aware of how much my fears of abandonment were driving my behavior and assumptions." really hit me hard. I keep reading that sentence over and over like I might actually believe that is a truth... I think that's what I need to GET.
What do you think JayMac?
(((((((JayMac)))))))
FMD
Posted by rskontos on October 12, 2008, at 15:17:40
In reply to Disconnected, posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
JayMac,
My p-doc who is my therapist pointed this out to me. I know I am a runner. Actually I think I look for reasons to ditch them. We have had discussion about why I don't want to let people care about me.
It is because due to childhood I decided early people were to be avoided. Yeah that attachment thing I was not going for!
Yeah that hurt thing. Gets messy. I am married for 20 years now and it is still messy.
rsk
Posted by JayMac on October 13, 2008, at 13:35:09
In reply to Disconnected, posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
Sorry this is be-lated. I've been trying to deal with a whole lot right now.
Thank you for all your responses. They are very helpful. It's nice to know that other people understand me. It's even better to know that other people care. Thanks.
This is the end of the thread.
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