Posted by lucie lu on October 12, 2008, at 8:38:15
In reply to Disconnected, posted by JayMac on October 11, 2008, at 18:25:52
Jay,
I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday. Do you know what prompted your response - was it something with a particular someone?
I had a few thoughts. The first was that you must have been hurt significantly before, that maybe you had a history of "unrepaired ruptures" with important people in your life. Did anyone, parents, friends, lovers, know how to repair ruptures in your relationship? If not, I could see why you'd be so sensitive to relational conflict and also why you'd rather avoid being hurt or hurting another than remain together. The second was do you (as I do) use avoidance as a defense? That is one of my biggies, and in relationships it tended to be manifest as a "walking away" (physically or emotionally) response, again trading loneliness and loss for safety. In retrospect, and ironically, I think the loss ultimately was more painful than its threat. My dysfunctional response was just the best I knew how to do. I had zero confidence that discord could be worked through or that, if handled well, could actually strengthen the relationship.
This whole problem is one that keeps reappearing in my therapy. I used to, or threatened to, use my "walk away" defense so many times in therapy, that it would have been funny if I hadn't been so upset at the time. I am still amazed that my T didn't simply roll his eyes (maybe he did internally) each time it happened. But he responded gravely and sensitively to each instance, and we would talk about it. Inwardly it would make me rejoice that someone would care enough to bring me back to the negotiating table instead of "terminating" me. That's how I became aware of how much my fears of abandonment were driving my behavior and assumptions. I know that in demonstrating care for me in the face of conflict, my T may have reinforced my behavior as "secondary gain." However, in responding as he did, my T not only kept me in the relationship but also modeled rupture and repair, a foreign concept to me, as well as the fact that his "regard" (still hate that word) for me was unbroken even during conflict. I only remember one time, when I was really angry and frustrated with him and got up to leave, that he snapped at me to sit down, that leaving would be totally non-productive. It was so rare a response from him, that I did sit back down, and we talked it out. Because of the high emotion evoked in both of us that time, it was a particularly powerful exchange and learning experience.
I'm interested to see that everything I've written so far has been phrased in the past tense because we still work on these issues on an ongoing basis, mostly in the context of my relationship with my DH. Do any of these thoughts and behaviors ring true for you? At any rate, sounds like the feelings you express are a rich area to work on with your T. They are concerns that seem particularly well suited for working out within a committed therapeutic relationship. So vent away, Jay! Copy your post and take it in with you to your next meeting. Could make for a very interesting conversation.
Anyway, I hope today is a better day for you :)
Hugs,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:856969
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857033.html