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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
I don't post often, but I'm just freaking out tonight. My stomach is burning and for the last few days I can't stop thinking about her.
My T went on vacation - a perfectly respectable thing to do. I love her so much that of course I want her to enjoy time off with her family. But, it also has me crazy.
While she has been gone I have had to face the fact that my second pregnancy will most likely end in miscarriage (I just went through this in June) and I got legally married to my partner (our third wedding in 8 years). Two REALLY huge things - very bad and very good while she has been gone. Away. Not available.
She asked if I could stay connected to her while she was gone (meaning in my mind I guess). Well... yes. I thought. Instead what has happened is that I started having sexual fantasies about her - two days before my last appointment with her. It so freaked me out that I didn't even talk in our last appointment - which is really rare.The timing is all weird - with the miscarriage and the wedding...
But, I'm not surprised by my feelings for her on the one hand - I have talked about feeling aroused by her before and a pretty intense, somewhat sexualized story I wrote about her (well, really me) that I even shared with her.
But this is different. I just feel *so* much for her now. I have been seeing her for two years now - pretty much to the day. And these are the first real sexual fantasies I have had about her.
They make sense in a way - I am expressing my love in some where I am just sweeping her off her feet with my love-making. Others she is "doing" me in ways that would show how much she knows about me - the real private stuff I have shared.
But, it's too much. I'm too much. My attachment is too much. I feel so much love for her my palms hurt. On the other hand I'm hurting that she is not here and I just feel like I can't face any of this in front of her - my feelings of sorrow, my love and attraction to her, my anger that she is not here for me now. I'm all messed up about it.
Posted by JayJ on October 3, 2008, at 10:04:06
In reply to T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
Wow! You have a lot on your plate right now. I feel freaked-out for you. I'm suprised you are as coherent as you are - I would be a complete basket case. If you just had one miscarriage and are likely to have another, those losses must be causing enormous ructions inside. The temporary loss of your T just adds to that. I'm not meaning to be at all negative, but your relationship with your partner sounds as if it may not always have been as supportive as it might. I can understand you having an intense yearning for someone who knows you completely and can care for you at all levels. I hope she is back soon and that you can find someway to address some of these issues with her. I know from my own experience it's really difficult to talk about these things when sex is involved (in my case virtually impossible). I'm sure they fully understand the significance of the sex issues and the symbolism that can be involved. I also know it is impossible for me to get the words out except in the most round about terms, but hopefully you will be better at it. I know I will need to get there eventually myself.I hope things start to improve for you soon. Be as self-caring as you can. Look after you.
JayJ
Posted by Phillipa on October 3, 2008, at 12:55:56
In reply to Re: T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by JayJ on October 3, 2008, at 10:04:06
I'm sorry I must be not reading correctly but married to the same partner multiple times. Did you divorce inbetween? Not that it's any of my business. Hang in There. Love Phillipa
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 3, 2008, at 13:04:27
In reply to T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
Wow, I totally didn't realize how that was going to be perceived! :-)
I am a lesbian. My partner (whom I love very much and have a really good relationship with) and I had a huge wedding years ago. That is what I consider our real marriage. In 2004 we got married in San Francisco while it was briefly allowed. I live in California. Now that marriage has become legalized, we decided to have another wedding celebration - that was just this past weekend.
Hope that clears that up!
:-)
Posted by JayJ on October 3, 2008, at 13:30:53
In reply to Clarification on 3 weddings!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 3, 2008, at 13:04:27
Whew! I didn't want to tread in that area too much, but I was wondering about the multiple marriages. OK, so that's one less problem, and apparently it's a good relationship, so that's really good. (Incidentally, congratulations 3 times). Nevertheless, your losses must be a terrible burden on you, and your Ts absence is really unfortunate timing.
Keep well,
JayJ
Posted by JayMac on October 3, 2008, at 14:39:06
In reply to T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
Omg I can relate like no other! Gosh, it's so difficult not having them "available." We just want them available. Saying that one is "on vacation" makes it sound like we are totally out of mind. Knowing when my T is away with family, forces me to realize that she has her own life, outside the office.
Posted by lucie lu on October 3, 2008, at 16:25:37
In reply to T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
FMD,
I'm really sorry to hear that your T is gone when you have so much going on in your life. It's great that you have a successful and loving relationship with your partner. And congrats on your marriage! But no matter how good any real-life partnership is, it is between RL peers, each with their own needs, wants, etc. The thing about your T is that she is there for you, and you alone. I can certainly see why you'd be in such need for her now, because she could see what all these things mean to you without having any stake of her own in the outcomes other than your happiness. I would want her too, very much, under the circumstances.
About the sexual desire for her (I think I can extrapolate since I am straight and my T is a man), I'm wondering if your recent increase in desire for her isn't really more about love than sex. Your fantasies - you are so honest and candid, you must be a great client! - say more about love and intimacy than sex as such. Passion can arise from intense emotion as much as physical need. What I hear is your strong desire to be as close as one can be to another person, one who knows you and cares about you in a profound way. We all need that, and sometimes more than others. Although we may experience such a desire as sexual, probably because of its emotional intensity, that may be because sex is one of the principal ways our culture finds it acceptable to express intimacy. So I think that your longings for her may reflect your heightened need for her to be there with you, emotionally and intimately, at very stressful time in your life.
It's a poor substitute but...
(((((((((((((Finding My Desire)))))))))))))))
Love, Lucie
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 3, 2008, at 16:49:49
In reply to T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
Thanks to everyone for your comments and writing back!
I'm heading to the doctor right now to get a final opinion on the miscarriage...
:-(Lucie Lu: your post was so helpful! What you said and how you said it just had an immediate effect of relief on me! Really. Thank you so much. I don't feel as much like a freak. I hope I can hold that until she returns - the end of next week.
Thanks again.
Posted by DAisym on October 3, 2008, at 19:37:19
In reply to Re: T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment!, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 3, 2008, at 16:49:49
I'm sorry the pregnancy is so difficult. I hope you're doing OK.
As everyone else said, I think all those feelings intensify when you have really emotional things going on in your life. And I think adult loving feelings are often converted to sexual feelings (it is basic biology) and one of the ways we can express and also take in, feelings. As hard as it is to talk about, I think talking about them takes the power out of the secret and will help you get unstuck and begin talking again.
Nice to see another West Coast face here! SF is so beautiful. I hope you find some peace this weekend.
Posted by lemonaide on October 4, 2008, at 19:59:01
In reply to Re: T's on vacation and I'm hating my attachment! » FindingMyDesire, posted by DAisym on October 3, 2008, at 19:37:19
((((Finding my Desire)))
Hope everything is okay with your baby. It sounds like you need your T now more than ever. Is there any kind of contact with her? You can post here as much as you like and we can try to support you while you wait for your T to come back. We call it camp comfort, I'll bring the cookies and ice cream.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 5, 2008, at 3:50:56
In reply to Calling on Camp Comfort!, posted by lemonaide on October 4, 2008, at 19:59:01
Lemonaide, thank you so much. I do really need someone right now. I got up to start a new thread...
This is the end of the thread.
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